What Do You Mean, The Teen Choice Awards Were A Dumpster Fire?

Fox’s Teen Choice Awards went down last night around the same time as Game of Thrones, Twin Peaks, Rick and Morty, and one or two other shows that showcased the program’s sheer scheduling incompetence. Maybe anyone tuning into the TCA’s is a little young for GoT, but I doubt that – kids are on pornhub at 12 these days, they’ve seen some shit. On top of that, the shummy shrim guy from Rae Sremmurd was performing and all he talks about is getting blowjobs from teenagers so saying something is “for kids” holds no weight anymore.

The biggest news was the fact that Miley Cyrus (who has sucked down glitter farts on stage in years prior) bailed on her performance a few hours prior to the show. According to her Instagram, she overbooked herself because she’s releasing a new music video on Friday or something? I guess Miley is really pushing till the 11th hour to do the color correction herself or something (joking, it’s a bullshit excuse).

The rest of the show was a hodgepodge of buzz kids pandering for Instagram likes while Hollywood producers bought themselves crappy surf boards. Beauty and the Beast won an award for best kiss because beastiality is really making a comeback right now.

Of course, you can’t have a hodgepodge of buzz kids without having everyone’s favorite future republican, Jake Paul. After Miley dropped out at the last minute, someone probably saw Jake Paul walking around in the parking lot with his selfie stick and asked him to perform his hit (yourself in the face) single, “Everyday Bro”. He delivered probably the most cringeworthy performance I’ve seen since… the last Teen Whatever Awards show a few months back. Wanna watch the whole thing? Of course you don’t but here it is…

Choice moments include…

0:50 – Someone throws a water bottle at Jake Paul and gets bounced out by security.
2:13 – He admits they only spent 3 hours making this piece of shit song.
3:25 – This guy has the most genuine “WTF am I doing here” performance of them all.
4:00 – Dude should have ended his verse, but who cares- give him 18 bars of horrible.