Weston Cage Checked Into Rehab To Become An Action Star. Okay, Sure.

July 25th, 2011 // 116 Comments

“So what my film pre-supposes is, maybe getting your ass kicked means you’re not crazy.”

After finally winning/losing his first fight, albeit against himself, Weston Cage has checked back into rehab for reasons that reveal his mom Christina Fulton is just as fucking crazy as he is which raises serious questions about the transitive batshit properties of Nicolas Cage‘s gonads. E! News reports:

“Many fine opportunities await such a talented young man, including negotiations with a major production company utilizing his exceptional martial arts and acting skills,” Christina told us.
Added her spokesman: “Weston is getting the help and support that he needs during this time. We are all hoping that he will be able to do it respectfully, in peace.”

And because someone made the mistake of letting these people know they can issue statements to the media, Weston, of course, had some words of his own he’d like to add. Mostly about not being jealous of his wife’s music because she’s totally in a different genre than metal. I have no fucking clue:

“I would like to congratulate my multi-talented wife on her recent recording contract. I have always been supportive of her music. In no way would I ever be jealous of her successes, as I do not follow her preferred musical genre, and am personally working on a new solo album that I should have recorded a long time ago, ” he tells E! News.
“I am getting myself together, so I’m sorry about being mislabeled by people who don’t know me, or realize that I come from a long line of creative and successful artists.”

I’ve been trying to offer Weston helpful hints in his quest to not look like a mental patient, so here’s another free one: Don’t suggest people think you’re crazy because they don’t know your dad is Nicolas Cage. Also, you’re going to want to stop referring to him as a “creative and successful artist” which is something we normies like to reserve for people who don’t drunkenly drop small children or spend all their money on castles and dinosaur skulls. I know our customs may seem strange and even frightening to you at first, but over time you’ll grow to become one of us or perish in our underground fighting hexagon of truth. — Ha! I’m kidding, we don’t have one of those. You should’ve seen your face.

Photos: Pacific Coast News

superficial

  1. Weston Cage Karate
    amanda
    Commented on this photo:

    Move: crouching tiger, hidden toe jam

  2. Weston Cage Mom Christina Fulton Nicolas Cage Ex
    Commented on this photo:

    wow those are top 5 stupidest looking fake tits and lips

  3. Weston Cage Mom Christina Fulton Nicolas Cage Ex
    amanda
    Commented on this photo:

    Move: 40yr old teenager on the prowl

  4. Weston Cage Karate
    amanda
    Commented on this photo:

    Move: popped hernia in MC Hammer pants

  5. Weston Cage Mom Christina Fulton Nicolas Cage Ex
    amanda
    Commented on this photo:

    Move: mommy issues

  6. Weston Cage Karate
    amanda
    Commented on this photo:

    move: PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEEEEE

  7. Weston Cage Karate
    amanda
    Commented on this photo:

    move: too may whippets behind the restuarant sumpster

  8. Weston Cage Karate
    amanda
    Commented on this photo:

    move: smudged eyeliner of infinite sadness

  9. Weston Cage Karate
    amanda
    Commented on this photo:

    move: they like me, they really like me!

  10. Weston Cage Karate
    missbliss
    Commented on this photo:

    Anyone else notice that he has cutting scars?

  11. Weston Cage Karate
    Lydia I Emerson
    Commented on this photo:

    Move: rehab.

  12. Weston Cage Mom Christina Fulton Nicolas Cage Ex
    AnnaDraconida
    Commented on this photo:

    That is exactly the kind of mother I imagined he’d have. I bet Nic regrets banging her all those years ago.

  13. AnnaDraconida

    Whatever, I’m just here for the “Move” comments.

  14. guestspeaker

    tl;dr

  15. the one

    rehab?
    sure, when you’re a computer games freak!!

    (we in europe don’t have rehab centers, we let peope die in peace….AMEN)

  16. Weston Cage Mom Christina Fulton Nicolas Cage Ex
    yenjvoy
    Commented on this photo:

    Nick does not regret anything. He can eat a peach for hours, and that’s a peach if I ever saw one.

  17. Tinklepants Astronaut

    Catch-phrase for the rest of 2011: “WWWCD?” – What Would Weston Cage Do?

  18. Sin

    A 1st year Karate student could probably kick his ass.

  19. Weston Cage Karate
    barbosa
    Commented on this photo:

    move: white sinbad

  20. Weston Cage Mom Christina Fulton Nicolas Cage Ex
    Your Gynecologist
    Commented on this photo:

    I wore this EXACT outfit to a Dead Milkmen show in 1993. Later we hotboxed a joint in my Tercel and I let my date rip off my leggings in the loft at his parent’s house.

  21. Donald Trump

    Jesus H – Weston take a bath! You look like a stinking pile of dog crap. I bet your wife won’t go anywhere near your taint for fear of noxious fumes….and that bitch has seen a lot of taint in her life.

  22. General Disarray

    What? He doesn’t need rehab.
    On the other hand…if he’s in rehab his hot-ass wife is at home and possibly lonely. Hmmmmmm.
    My head is already shaved and I can act batshit crazy enough for one day just to get her moist.

  23. UJ

    Does he have a pussy growing on his elbow?

  24. Weston Cage Mom Christina Fulton Nicolas Cage Ex
    Commented on this photo:

    Looking at this picture makes me suddenly feel kind of ashamed for making fun of Westin…kind of like realizing a you’ve been ridiculing a retarded kid.

    I mean look at her…the poor bastard never really had a chance.

  25. GamerEdie

    Hate to also point out shit that in any way could be construed as supporting this douchola (which it isn’t), but he’s more than Nicholas Cage’s son. He’s also Sophia Copola’s cousin and Francis Ford Copollas’ grand nephew.

    Which kinda expands the whole crazy gonadal theory to Whopper size.

  26. Weston Cage Karate
    Eddie
    Commented on this photo:

    Move: Surprised Your Dad Won An Oscar For “Port of Call – New Orleans” Dramatic Stare

  27. Weston Cage Karate
    Donald Trump
    Commented on this photo:

    Just checking if he died yet?

  28. Weston Cage Mom Christina Fulton Nicolas Cage Ex
    Gary
    Commented on this photo:

    Did some one hit her in the mouth? I hope the catch and prosecute whoever harmed her.

  29. Weston Cage Karate
    Gary
    Commented on this photo:

    I see an Gold Bond Foot Powder endorsement deal coming.

  30. Paige

    I dont even think his wife is pregnant anymore hey, check it out she is skinny and supposed to be like 6 or 7 months with no baby bump. i wonder what happened there

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