Weston Cage Checked Into Rehab To Become An Action Star. Okay, Sure.

“So what my film pre-supposes is, maybe getting your ass kicked means you’re not crazy.”

After finally winning/losing his first fight, albeit against himself, Weston Cage has checked back into rehab for reasons that reveal his mom Christina Fulton is just as fucking crazy as he is which raises serious questions about the transitive batshit properties of Nicolas Cage’s gonads. E! News reports:

“Many fine opportunities await such a talented young man, including negotiations with a major production company utilizing his exceptional martial arts and acting skills,” Christina told us.
Added her spokesman: “Weston is getting the help and support that he needs during this time. We are all hoping that he will be able to do it respectfully, in peace.”

And because someone made the mistake of letting these people know they can issue statements to the media, Weston, of course, had some words of his own he’d like to add. Mostly about not being jealous of his wife’s music because she’s totally in a different genre than metal. I have no fucking clue:

“I would like to congratulate my multi-talented wife on her recent recording contract. I have always been supportive of her music. In no way would I ever be jealous of her successes, as I do not follow her preferred musical genre, and am personally working on a new solo album that I should have recorded a long time ago, ” he tells E! News.
“I am getting myself together, so I’m sorry about being mislabeled by people who don’t know me, or realize that I come from a long line of creative and successful artists.”

I’ve been trying to offer Weston helpful hints in his quest to not look like a mental patient, so here’s another free one: Don’t suggest people think you’re crazy because they don’t know your dad is Nicolas Cage. Also, you’re going to want to stop referring to him as a “creative and successful artist” which is something we normies like to reserve for people who don’t drunkenly drop small children or spend all their money on castles and dinosaur skulls. I know our customs may seem strange and even frightening to you at first, but over time you’ll grow to become one of us or perish in our underground fighting hexagon of truth. — Ha! I’m kidding, we don’t have one of those. You should’ve seen your face.

Photos: Pacific Coast News