Weston Cage Checked Into Rehab To Become An Action Star. Okay, Sure.

July 25th, 2011 // 116 Comments

“So what my film pre-supposes is, maybe getting your ass kicked means you’re not crazy.”

After finally winning/losing his first fight, albeit against himself, Weston Cage has checked back into rehab for reasons that reveal his mom Christina Fulton is just as fucking crazy as he is which raises serious questions about the transitive batshit properties of Nicolas Cage‘s gonads. E! News reports:

“Many fine opportunities await such a talented young man, including negotiations with a major production company utilizing his exceptional martial arts and acting skills,” Christina told us.
Added her spokesman: “Weston is getting the help and support that he needs during this time. We are all hoping that he will be able to do it respectfully, in peace.”

And because someone made the mistake of letting these people know they can issue statements to the media, Weston, of course, had some words of his own he’d like to add. Mostly about not being jealous of his wife’s music because she’s totally in a different genre than metal. I have no fucking clue:

“I would like to congratulate my multi-talented wife on her recent recording contract. I have always been supportive of her music. In no way would I ever be jealous of her successes, as I do not follow her preferred musical genre, and am personally working on a new solo album that I should have recorded a long time ago, ” he tells E! News.
“I am getting myself together, so I’m sorry about being mislabeled by people who don’t know me, or realize that I come from a long line of creative and successful artists.”

I’ve been trying to offer Weston helpful hints in his quest to not look like a mental patient, so here’s another free one: Don’t suggest people think you’re crazy because they don’t know your dad is Nicolas Cage. Also, you’re going to want to stop referring to him as a “creative and successful artist” which is something we normies like to reserve for people who don’t drunkenly drop small children or spend all their money on castles and dinosaur skulls. I know our customs may seem strange and even frightening to you at first, but over time you’ll grow to become one of us or perish in our underground fighting hexagon of truth. — Ha! I’m kidding, we don’t have one of those. You should’ve seen your face.

Photos: Pacific Coast News

superficial

  1. neo

    death cums in threes, first winehouse, your next weston,then lindsey will complete the trifecta

  2. neo

    oh, and i bet ten buxs hes banging his mom…..i would bang her

  3. Please tell me it’s Celebrity Rehab. I live up the street from the Pasadena Recovery Center and I cold use the entertainment!

    • you want to fuck him, don’t you? You little skank.

    • PoorMaryKelly

      Do you have bars on your windows cuz I sure as hell would!

    • Frank Burns

      I’m curious to know, how many times did you find Gary Busey asleep in your garage? Because if you are nearby PRC, it must have happened at least once.

      And, I have to disagree – the best show for this guy is “Dancing With The Stars” because then we get to see him fall down on national television.

  4. Bob

    Unfrozen caveman lawyer reference!!

  5. Bubba

    “I am getting myself together, so I’m sorry about being mislabeled by people who don’t know me, or realize that I am putting an end to a long line of creative and successful artists.”

  6. Weston Cage Mom Christina Fulton Nicolas Cage Ex
    Commented on this photo:

    Move: Aging MILF Guppy Mouth Two Prong Boob Attack

    also: barf…

    • Sodomy_Is_For_Girls

      On what fucking planet are those called “prongs” and not., I don’t know…”pontoons”?

  7. LJ

    Perhaps once he starts his regimen of meds the psychotic episodes will diminish.

  8. Weston Cage Mom Christina Fulton Nicolas Cage Ex
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks as if Ms Fulton’s *move* involves inflation of boobs.

    • LJ

      Reads like a fellow just this side of psychotic.

    • Jkaren

      What’s funny about an ambitious young actor(?) / UFC fighter (?) wanting to feed the world to his family? It’s the American Dream! Man, crazy is spreading around faster in Hollywood than geniwarts. Let’s put Sheen, Ga Ga, and him into a cage match and watch the magic (and winning) happen!

  9. Weston Cage Karate
    Commented on this photo:

    move : Dirty Feet of Shame with Fart of Fury

  10. Weston Cage Karate
    Commented on this photo:

    move : Torn Hemorrhoid of Douchebaggery

  11. Just to be fair to Shaved Head McScabby Elbow, I looked up a track his band “Eyes of Noctum” recorded called “Phantasma Nocturna” (I got the song name off his belt). As you might have guessed, it’s typical bone-in-the-throat death metal growling and screaming…devoid of any creativity.

  12. Weston Cage Mom Christina Fulton Nicolas Cage Ex
    Commented on this photo:

    move : Syphilis Mother-in-Law Bang in Trailer Park

  13. Weston Cage Karate
    Commented on this photo:

    …There is always the guy in the background saying it with his stifled chuckle.

  14. Megan

    Why does he always look so dirty?

  15. Karen

    This guy’s eyes scare the shit out of me.

  16. Weston Cage Karate
    Commented on this photo:

    move : Cheat Sheet of Taekwondouche

  17. Move: Homicidal Lohan

  18. Weston Cage Karate
    Commented on this photo:

    move : Cigar Burn of Hopelessness and Self-Loathing

  19. You had me at the Royal Tenenbaums reference.

  20. JJ

    Randy Jackson lurking in the background wearing a matching shirt always tells the story

  21. Bam

    ATTN SUPERFICIAL MAN:

    NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THIS DB. POST MORE BOOBS.

  22. Weston Cage Karate
    Commented on this photo:

    move : Blind Monk Rock Paper Scissors

  23. Weston Cage Karate
    JesusCan'tHitACurveball
    Commented on this photo:

    Move: Lazy Thumb Narcolepsy Punch

  24. Donald Trump

    Too bad God took Amy and left Weston here. What a complete ass douche.

  25. Realist

    Poll time…

    Is it the shaved piece out of his eyebrow or the scabbed up elbow that really makes one think he can really make this Martial Arts acting gig work?

    Vote now!

  26. Weston Cage Karate
    moop
    Commented on this photo:

    and theres randy jackson in the backround saying it all with his camera phone

  27. Weston Cage Karate
    Jill_Ess
    Commented on this photo:

    Hey Nun – Dreg already named these moves.

  28. Jill_Ess

    He looks so much like his father it’s freaking me out!!

  29. Deacon Jones

    His mom looks like she got facialed by a bunch of Ridley Scott’s Aliens.

  30. Weston Cage Mom Christina Fulton Nicolas Cage Ex
    Commented on this photo:

    So he’s related to Stifler?

  31. AJ Thompson

    Oh just stop posting this idiots photos.

  32. Glassman

    You know, I may have seriously misjudged this guy! Looking forward to hearing his wife’s album and his as well!

  33. PoorMaryKelly

    Not that I’m complaining but where has this weirdo come from? Has he been institutionalized up until the last year? He couldn’t have just woke up one day crazy as bat shit!

  34. JustAskin

    Does this asshat have another change of clothes? This set he’s had on for the past few weeks must be getting rank!

  35. AbigailElizabeth

    He’s like a real-life Mac, from It’s Always Sunny..

  36. Weston Cage Karate
    Commented on this photo:

    I didn’t know Randy Jackson worked for TMZ now…

  37. Weston Cage Karate
    Commented on this photo:

    Weston: Seriously…? They don’t make Cookie Crisp anymore?
    Randy Jackson: Naw dawg.
    Weston: FML.

  38. Weston Cage Karate
    Commented on this photo:

    Someone cut off the rubber soled footies off their pajamas and busted through the sofa cushion fort.

  39. kimmykimkim

    Fish, thank you so much for warning us about the impending “careers” of these crazy ass clowns. You’ve just saved countless lives.

    • kimmykimkim

      In completely unrelated news, it might be time for a new banner bitch, or slut or chick or whatever we like being called these days.

  40. Weston Cage Karate
    Aquiles Baeza
    Commented on this photo:

    Move: Athletes foot

  41. Randy Jackson’s gonna let his flipcam and youtube say it all for him.

  42. Weston Cage Mom Christina Fulton Nicolas Cage Ex
    Sodomy_Is_For_Girls
    Commented on this photo:

    Of course, in her case, working in “action” films involves DVDA.

  43. Weston Cage Karate
    Sodomy_Is_For_Girls
    Commented on this photo:

    I’d make a comment on this, but it’d just be scraping the Dregs of coolness.

  44. Weston Cage Mom Christina Fulton Nicolas Cage Ex
    Sodomy_Is_For_Girls
    Commented on this photo:

    Douche-whore-fun-bag-fail combo.
    That’s not a move: that’s a damn immovable object!

  45. Weston Cage Karate
    Sodomy_Is_For_Girls
    Commented on this photo:

    You remember when Ralph Wiggum thought everyone loved him because he had the key to all the locks in the prison and whatnot?
    You remember how all the other kids still thought he was an idiot, but pretended he was cool anyway, just to see if a fucking pig would fly?
    Yeah, I felt bad for Ralph that time; mostly just because he didn’t understand he was the butt of every joke.
    This dipshit?
    Not so much.

  46. Weston Cage Karate
    Commented on this photo:

    Move : The Hokie-Pokie

  47. Weston Cage Karate
    amanda
    Commented on this photo:

    Where Dreg wiih the Move series? damnit Dreg!

    Move: what do you mean Hot Topic sells Twilight merch?

  48. Weston Cage Mom Christina Fulton Nicolas Cage Ex
    amanda
    Commented on this photo:

    Move: Trout pout of doom

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