Weston Cage‘s wife of only four months Nikki Williams has huge breasts so you’d just assume he’d be doing everything in his power to have sex with them as much as possible. Things like, I dunno, not doing karate on the sidewalk every time the paparazzi go, “Hey, look, it’s Nicolas Cage’s batshit son!” Then again, Weston is a proud warrior who’s last two opponents humiliated him in battle, and has now become a man obsessed with finally winning in combat even if it includes fighting himself which apparently they’ll arrest your ass right up for. *presses intercom* Yeah, need you to cancel an appointment. Get a hold of me and tell me not to punch me in the face at 12:30. I’ll probably get testy with you, so be firm, but don’t be afraid to touch me freely about the genitals until I curl into the fetal position. It’s the only way I’ll learn. TMZ reports:
Law enforcement sources tell TMZ, Weston was arrested at 5AM in Hollywood — and then taken to a nearby hospital to be treated for cuts … and we’re told, cops believe the injuries were self-inflicted.
TMZ spoke with the mother of Weston’s wife Nikki Williams — who tells us, “Nikki is safe and away from him.”
WESTON: Teach me the ways of the UFC, so I can prove I’m not crazy and become a Jedi Knight like my father.
TRAINER: To become a true fighter, you must first win a battle against your greatest opponent: you. Only then-
WESTON: Done! *wheel kicks self into coffee table*
(How that probably happened.)