Eight Ways to Write Kevin Spacey Off of ‘House of Cards’

Netflix made an official announcement that they will be resuming production on the final season of House of Cards in 2018 with Robin Wright as the lead character. Since Kevin Spacey apparently hasn’t been able to keep his hands off of other guys’ packages throughout his professional career, Frank Underwood will be paying the ultimate price. We won’t know how the writers will do it until next year, but I’ve put together the following list of possible ways to make Kevin Spacey’s exit from the show as seamless as possible…

1. Tiger Shark Attack. Tiger sharks don’t give a shit whose penis you’ve grabbed, they’ll gobble you up all the same. With a couple lines of expository dialogue, Robin Wright’s character could easily reveal that Frank Underwood was eaten by a tiger shark somewhere off the coast of St. Barts and now has a new reason to push her anti-climate change agenda to keep those pesky sharks from migrating to warmer water.

2. White House Junk Mail. Even 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is susceptible to receiving 10% off coupons from Bed Bath & Beyond. In one quick scene, the HOC writers can take a goldenrod page directly out of Kevin Can Wait and have Claire Underwood express how tired she is of receiving mail addressed to her late husband. Her new husband can exit the room saying he’s finally going to call the post office and let them know that Frank Underwood died over a year ago.

3. Fuckin’ Fire. All bodies look the same after they’ve been burnt to a crisp. The first scene in the new season could be Claire at the morgue, identifying the remains of her husband after an IED attack or a grease fire at that BBQ joint he was obsessed with.

4. Aliens. This one’s a stretch, but don’t act like it wouldn’t be sweet. If the final season was nothing but trying to figure out what dimension Frank Underwood was transported to by aliens, I’d probably actually take time to watch it. In the final episode, Claire will make contact with the aliens and they’ll look like her dad.

5. The Ya-Ya Effect. By implementing the plot of Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, Robin Wright’s character can spend the season taking a trip down memory lane in a rural South Carolina town. There she will learn that the most important thing in life is family and get married to a simple guy named Connor whom she met on Bumble. This is a happily ever after scenario with a strong message about Jeffersonian government principles.

6. A Good Coma. Send Kevin Spacey’s character into a coma and have the props department make a life-like mannequin to take his place. This way the crew that Spacey terrorized for years can have endless fun pranking each other on set with the creepiest sex doll ever made.

7. Just Don’t Mention It. What if the show just carries on like there never was a Frank Underwood to begin with? Maybe the first five seasons were just a dream and Claire has been coping with the stress of running a country by creating complicated and flawed imaginary friends. Episode 1 of the new season can just be her waking up and saying, “I just had the strangest dream…”

8. Replace Him With Christopher Plummer. Most likely scenario. If it worked on the Getty movie, it’ll probably work here.

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