War Machine Is Innocent Because War Machine Is A Fictional Character, Dummies

September 5th, 2014 // 16 Comments
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Last month, MMA fighter War Machine allegedly beat the holy living shit out of his ex-girlfriend porn star Christy Mack before attempting to rape her. He quickly went on the run only to be captured by police after a witness saw him allegedly beating another woman outside of a Simi Valley hotel. He’s now in court pleading innocent to all charges including a bunch of additional ones he’s apparently been wanted for which all sound about right. FOX Sports reports:

Sua said he and attorneys Matthew Terry and Brian Watkins intend to fight the charges that also include burglary, battery constituting domestic violence, sexually motivated coercion and witness tampering.
War Machine is accused of using a knife during some of the incidents that date to May 2013.

But before everyone gets carried away here, War Machine’s lawyer wants everyone to keep in mind that War Machine is a fictional character and you can’t arrest fictional characters. Which I’m pretty sure is where he’s going with this:

”I think the public will understand that War Machine’s a character,” War Machine’s lawyer Brandon Sua said outside court. ”He is controversial and people need to understand where to draw that line from his character as War Machine and a person as Jon Koppenhaver, because that’s who he is.”

“Yes, Jon Koppenhaver plays the character War Machine, but that’s only for TV and promotional purposes. As for this ‘War Machine’ who’s out there violently beating women, let the record show that a Mr. Don Cheadle has twice gone by that alias and also happens to be black. I can’t imagine the police wouldn’t be interested in that information. Pretty interested indeed…” *sticks thumbs in suspender straps, rocks back and forth*

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  1. JC

    Didn’t he legally change his name to “War Machine”? Maybe the defense will be that he no longer exists as a real person at all. Clever, lawyers, clever…

  2. Don Draper's Dad

    So, the person Jon Koppenhaver is the real violent bag of shit who plays the character War Machine the fictional violent bag of shit. Got it.

  3. Die In A Fire Machine.

  4. John

    Off topic, but does Fish know The Fappening now includes Hilary Duff? Check out TheFappening subreddit (/r/TheFappening).

  5. hamtime

    Yes, yes, it’s all about “drawing a line between fiction and reality”. It’s a shame that Mr. Koppenhaver hasn’t figured that out. Maybe a little play time in the big house will help with his distinction (or not).

  6. In other news, we’ve found the missing link: this mofo’s lawyer

  7. anonymous

    That lawyer should look up the word ‘alias’ because the statement he made makes him sound as hell.

  8. That last line is killer… although, technically speaking, Cheadle actually played the Iron Patriot in the third movie, not War Machine…

    Nerdist out.

  9. so is he trying to pull a ceelo green?
    since war machine is a fictional character, any destruction of a female skeletal system by war machine doesnt count?

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