There’s A $10,000 Reward For This Douche

While I try to make it a point not to write posts that give Chris Brown an erection, MMA fighter War Machine is currently on the run after allegedly beating and attempting to rape porn star Christy Mack. TMZ reports:

Porn star Christy Mack says War Machine broke up with her in May but for some reason showed up at her house at 2 AM Friday. She says he walked in, didn’t say a word but unleashed a beating on her friend.
War Machine threw the friend out of the house and then she says he allegedly made her strip and shower in front of him. Then she says the beating began … resulting in 18 broken bones around her eyes, a broken nose, missing teeth, a fractured rib and ruptured liver.
Mack says War Machine also “sawed much of my hair off with [a] dull knife.”
She says he threatened to rape her but was unable to perform.

Except if you ask War Machine this was all just a simple romantic proposal that had a little hiccup he can easily explain. After he flees the country:

I’m not a bad guy, I went to surprise my gf, help her set up her show and to give her an engagement ring and ended up fighting for my life.
The cops will never give me fair play, never believe me. Still deciding what to do but at the end of the day it’s all just heart breaking.
I only wish that man hadn’t been there and that Christy & I would behappily engaged.I don’t know y I’m so cursed.One day truth will come out

Okay, so say you really had to fight some dude for your life. How did that involve pummeling a woman until you broke her eye, nose, ribs and ruptured her liver? Was the knife haircut because she’s Samson? Was she being mind-controlled? Is this guy Doctor Strange and had Christy been alone she would’ve accepted your marriage proposal without his demon influence forcing her to reject your love? Tell me more believable, sensitive man who does alpha male shit. Your logic is sound.

In the meantime, here are Christy’s injuries along with her side of the story which apparently War Machine feels is the stuff of romantic comedies. I hear Gerard Butler was even looking to option, but backed out when they couldn’t work a Porta-potty into the plot. Hollywood, right?

For real though, if anyone sees this guy, stand your fucking ground in the most George Zimmerman sense of the term.

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