Want to Never Get Laid? Try These Dating Tips From Khloé Kardashian

Khloé Kardashian, whose name apparently is not pronounced like a Yiddish woman with a hairball, gave her fans some dating advice via her app. If you have the emotional depth of a toaster and want to bang guys/girls who do too, it’s actually great advice. If you’re a normal person with feelings, hobbies, and ~98 degree blood flow, then it kind of reads like a robot trying to explain how to make friends.

From US Weekly:

“There’s nothing worse than an awkward-ass first date,” Kardashian began. “Just thinking about it makes me cringe! That’s why I’ve created a little survival guide to navigate you through the critical points in a conversation, so you’re not trying to bail out of the bathroom window midway through, lol.”

OMG LOL.

“When you first show up, commenting on your surroundings (like the menu or décor— or if you live in LA, the hellish traffic getting there!) is always a solid icebreaker,” Kardashian wrote.

The last thing I want to hear when I take someone on a date to TGI Friday’s is them complaining about the traffic. It’s half-price-apps, lady. Use that money that we’re saving to get a Lyft or some shit and for god’s sake don’t mention how much you love the décor. We both have eyes and can see that it looks like a Cracker Barrel gift shop in here, so just relax.

“If you’ve found yourself pulling teeth, why not at least try to salvage the convo with some imaginative questions,” the 33-year-old added, including question ideas like “What’s on your bucket list?”

Khloé crunched the numbers and found out that humans enjoy imagination.

“Hopefully, you’ve offered him a bite of your meal by now and maybe even offered to split the check. (I’m not 100 percent into that, but you do you!) Now, it’s all about sealing the deal, honey,” Kardashian said.

If I wanted to try the jalapeño poppers, I would have fucking ordered them. Keep your diabetes to yourself and bet your ass we’d be going halfzies. And if I do take a bite of your food, that doesn’t mean that you own me or something. My body, my cheeseburger quesadilla.

“All talk should be geared towards making future plans,” she continued. “Keep slipping in those subtle hint-hints. Or, if you really like them, a flat-out invitation! I hope your night ends with a kiss!”

Remember, ladies… keep it subtle. We’re not about you inviting us to your hotel room to watch you take a shower or trade massages in bathrobes. It’s 2017 and guys don’t play dat no more.

Two ways to ask for a second date, according to Kardashian, is to ask your date what their week looks like or invite them to a party. The Good American designer suggested saying something like, “My BFF is having her annual s—tshow of a house party next week. It’s usually the most fun I have all year. You should come, too!” (from US Weekly)

What better way to seal the deal than inviting your date to come watch you get obliterated on angry orchard and jello shots with a bunch of people they don’t know. If the highlight of your year is getting hammered at your girlfriend’s house and atonally screaming the lyrics to Backstreet Boys songs, your life sucks (I do this about once a week).

Overall, this is really riveting dating advice from Khloé Kardashian, a woman who was once married to a man who almost died from outside vagina intake. I think I’d be more inclined to masturbate in front of my Amazon Alexa (with her consent, of course) before I went on a second date with someone who talked like this.

Randy Cappuccino’s dating advice: If you’re going on a first date to a TGI Friday’s, don’t bring up bucket list aspirations or try and eat their food. You’re both sad and horny. That should be enough in common to float a six-month relationship at least. See you all at happy hour.

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