Vin Diesel Loves The Rock Again Because Paul Walker Or Some Shit

“Describe this beautiful moment for me, Vin.”
“Well, I basically tried to pretend I love this baby as much as Pablo, and I have to say it’s pretty close. Like a solid 85%.”

A few weeks ago, The Rock called Vin Diesel out for being the unprofessional candy ass that he is. Then Vin Diesel promised a tell-all in a creepy fucking Instagram video where he rambled forever before getting to his point. And now that tell-all video is finally here, and just kidding, Vin Diesel loves The Rock now, and they’re probably going get married.

Fish forced me to watch this because his cruelty has no depth this Fast 8 feud is a defining cultural touchstone, so I’ll go ahead and break down the important points for you since I know there’s not a chance in hell any of you are watching that shit.

- The video starts with five minutes of wind chimes and Vin reading peoples screen names off of the livestream chat. (This is not an exaggeration, and I slowly fill with rage)

- Then he plugs movies coming out in 2017, and vaguely references an award Facebook sent him for ten minutes. (I open a new tab and Google “how much do garbage men make?”)

- 14 minutes in, he finally brings up Pablo, and I shit you not, their dream to “have a garage that has a little counter where you can order food, where people can also look at the cars from the films.” (I will kill everything where it stands)

- He shows off his Facebook award, which is their logo with an inscription congratulating him on 100 million fans, an honor he gushes over with the believable sincerity of driftwood. (*checks to see if life insurance policy covers suicide by police*)

- 22 minutes in, he talks about Fast 8 for 30 seconds and basically says what a great guy The Rock is. (Are you fucking kidding? Are you goddamn fucking kidding me? Seriously, what does a stroke feel like? Because I’m dizzy and the left side of this room just got dark allofasuddeacfaccccvvvvvfvvvvvvppppbbbbbbbb

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