Vin Diesel Is Gonna Tell You Everything

It’s 1 a.m. Wednesday morning. The crew is tired, the cast is tried, but Vin Diesel is going to leave his last day on the set of Fast 8 with dignity as rumors of his ass candyness continue to spread. He’s a fighter, goddammit – with the best body in New York for decades to prove it – but he also knows these are his people. And his people need love now more than ever.

“Assa babba wabba duh,” he said after gathering everyone together. An interpreter would later tell them this means, “Daddy’s gone,” as a Dom Toretto sized hole was left in their hearts. But Vin had business to attend to. Personal business.

“Curba dubba dibba?” Where’s my favorite sweater? he asked as he arrived home. “Wit coo doo.” The softy one. He wrapped his glorious body in its decadence and laid down on the bed. As he looked down at his phone with his head gently cradled in his hand, Vin knew this would be his story. And his story would involve everything. Eventually. They only give you like a minute with these things.

“Labba deeba ba dow bow.” Always leave ‘em wanting more, he chuckled. “Clab flabble dabble dibba dong.” Alright, one more bone for doggy, he smiled. “Fwubba wibba doo.” This is gonna knock their socks off.

Never again would a king so love his subjects. Never again.

“Bong dibba dadda wow. Somma wong ga doo!” – Vin Diesel, 2016

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Photo: AKM-GSI