Valderrama talks about sex

March 28th, 2006 // 143 Comments

*wilmer_valderramma_girls.jpgWilmer Valderrama talked about his Hollywood conquests during an appearance on Howard Stern yesterday. Among his revelations were that Lindsay Lohan was one of the best girl’s he’s ever had slept with, Ashlee Simpson was loud in bed and Jennifer Love Hewitt rated an “eight” out of ten when it came to sex. He also claimed that he’s been with two women at once and engaged in anal sex with a famous actress, who he refused to name. Valderrama claims his penis is “slightly bigger” than eight inches, and that he’s videotaped his sexual escapades on numerous occasions, but erased the tapes to keep them from being linked on the internet.

Reading about Wilmer Valderramma’s sex life is like murdering a clown – you don’t really want to do it, but in the end you can’t help yourself. I simply don’t understand how in God’s name this guy gets all this – oh wait, the eight inch penis. Yeah, that might explain it.


  1. popcornsuite


    Very few men don’t lie, even a little bit, about their sexual conquests. I wouldn’t believe half of what he said. And eight inches? My ass.

    And wasn’t it Joe Simpson who said that Ashlee was loud in bed?

  2. Kimberly

    #95- That was so hot, and so true!

  3. Grphdesi23

    #37–I faked orgasm with you.

  4. BEAM

    #37, in the spirit of fairness, you should make a list of things guys dont like about big, loose coochies.

  5. Ms Crackalackin

    My fantasy with Wilmer is now dead after reading what a egotistical and tacky slut he is. Some guys are sluts, and that’s okay. But to brag about your conquests and rate them is trashy and very unsexy. I highly doubt he has an 8″ cock. I’m sure one of his ex-conquests will come forward and rate him for all of us inquiring minds.

    Truth is, he’s got nothing left now. That 70s show is nothing to brag about so now he’s left with tales of anal sex with freckled teens. OTOH, Ashton Kutcher is cool, sexy, and monogamous AND has self-confidence, the sexiest thing of all. Wilmer, an insecure, immature twit and a good example of why machismo sucks.

  6. mamacita


    “This is because the highest concentration of nerve endings on a woman are in the vulva. The pleasure women get during sex comes from pressure of the penis, but mostly from the mans pelvis rubbing against the vulva.”

    Uh WRONG!!!! Ever heard of a clitoris?!!!!! Seriously, look that shit up. The highest concentration of nerve endings are in the vulva???!!! Oh God, that is hysterical!!! You’re one to talk about a woman not exploring her body enough to know how to get pleasure.

  7. bunnyhugger

    i like fez better than wilmer.

    and they both bragged about sex.

  8. open_mind


    Ummm…What’s the difference between a vulva and a clitoris?

    I thought they were both European cars.

  9. Dee

    what an asshole…class act all the way….prick, and who would even want to admit to banging those skanks anyway! thats the funniest part…

  10. BoardBetty

    Why are we so focused on the length of his penis?!?! Everyone knows it’s the GIRTH that counts!!! TUNA CAN!!!!

  11. URalllosers


    Bravo! Very funny!

  12. maggixial

    Howard should have asked if Lohan spray-tans down there.

  13. lysistrata11

    I’ve had bigger.

    And yes, the clitoris is what you meant to say, #95.

  14. Trisha-Dawn

    EW this guy is probably the ugliest in the celebrity world… how dare him talk about his experiences with those girls and rate them for public to hear. He should feel grateful to have had those girls look his way after they blinked at him the first glance. I dont even know what he is thinking…

  15. Rochford

    The female external genitals are collectively referred to as the vulva. The clitoris is part of the vulva. Freshman health class, folks.

  16. Browchay

    Can someone please explain to me how a guy named “Wilmer” evens gets any sex ? ! I mean please .. come on… there are limits !

  17. Tetsuo

    What the fuck? 8 inches is big? Holy shit… either American men are hung like baby carrots or I’m actually well hung, and to be honest I doubt it’s the latter.

  18. mamacita


    True dat. However, since the vulva refers to the labia majora, labia minora, clitoris, and entrance of the vagina, and none of those places EXCEPT the clitoris has an abnormally high concentration of nerve endings, I thought it was necessary to be more specific. Seriously, who gets off if you’re just fumbling around with their labia and their vaginal entrance?

  19. Damn Straight I’m the best he’s ever been with. I’m a sex-loving whore.

  20. Magus

    i can’t wait for one ( or all ) of this girls come out and say “8 inches ? yeah, right”

  21. Jewbacca

    I cant believe they let me post all 85 “penis facts”. If I upset people, I do not apologize, maybe I should’ve wait till a Tommy Lee/Pam Anderson story to appear before posting all that. I didn’t write that list but, some of its true, I noticed the ladies just picked out a few misguided “facts” and never addressed the facts basically saying women likes a big one over a small one, which we all know is true.

  22. BrendaPayne

    Well now we know who daddy’s little girl is…Papa Joe focused all his energies on his favorite daughter (more talented, beautiful and a virgin until marriage) and ran out of effort for his second daughter, who is fake-talented, looks like a mole and, as we all suspected, is not a virgin either.

    And if Lindsay was 17 when Wilmer banged her and now he has admitted it…how long until the cops are after him for statutory rape?

    PS-BoardBetty killed me with Tuna Can!

  23. Matthew

    I think that Stern should get all of these women on the show and then find out if he was telling the truth or not.

  24. boredatwurk

    I am with #124. That would be entertaining in the least, especially to hear their take on things.

    I wonder how many of them would say “I had to fake it. He was mediocre at best.”

    Honestly, if I were one of these girls, (doesn’t matter how good he was) I would LIE through my teeth and totally emasculate him in front of everyone. It wouldn’t matter how good he was, I would humiliate him for going public.

  25. Jonboy in SF

    I for one believe the guy but I bet it’s a thin 8″. You can see that he’s packing something on That 70s Show. A lot more than Ashton Kutcher, that’s for sure!

  26. jonweed

    um, 106, by the way, the clitoris is PART of the vulva. DUH.

    The vulva is the entire external part of the femal sex organs.

    I know that, and I’m a guy. IF you’re a chick and you don’t know that, you are an idiot.

  27. mags

    Every woman wants a big penis. This is because they enjoy having their cervixes thumped against.


    /Owns an average length, nicely thick one she would never give up. Mmmm.

  28. ppp

    I listened to the interview, IMO, it’s mostly howard stern putting words in his mouth.

  29. Bogart

    haha, when people doubt someone else’s size isn’t it because THEY are compensating for THEIR small size? lol give me a break you dummies.

  30. mamacita

    Um, #127, read post #119. DUH!!

  31. ctjade

    first of all he was on Howard Stern. did you expect him to discuss.. current events.. book clubs… come on.. cut him some slack. Every guy out ther has had the same conversation.. his is just on a differnt scale cause he is a celebrity. and as far as his endowment. HE”S LATINO!. They are more often than not better than averagely endowed.
    All u guys talking crap about him…. i have one question.. Jealous much?

  32. HughJorganthethird

    Big fucking deal, sooner or later we will all get the chance to fuck Hohan and my cock may be only three inches but it’s 5 inches around, kinda like a half beer can.

    So beat that Fez.

  33. cocoroo

    Well, if Ashlee was so loud, it was probably her butt that he probed. You’d be loud too with 8 inches in the pooper. He probably did her that way so that he wouldn’t have to look at her troll face and risk losing his boner.

    I think the whole story is fake though…only tagging ONE ass in Hollywood? C’MON!

  34. lysistrata11

    #127-”um, 106, by the way, the clitoris is PART of the vulva. DUH.
    The vulva is the entire external part of the femal sex organs.
    I know that, and I’m a guy. IF you’re a chick and you don’t know that, you are an idiot.”

    Yes but the clitoris is the main area of nerves as 119 said. Meaning, if you start going down on a woman’s labia…she’ll probably put her clothes on, call you a freak, and ask you to leave. That’s what you don’t learn in sex ed.

  35. Jasmine

    Uggg…imagining Wilmer and his 8 cm, I mean, 8 inch dick, probing Ashlee simpson in the pooper, while her loud, ugly man voice increases a decibal each thrust…..The Superfish has completely ruined sex for me for at least a week.

  36. kpatton

    Well I can’t testify to the size of his penis, but his ego certainly is huge, alas his brain is not. It should not take a rocket scientist to know that outing women you have slept with is like shooting up a flare to warn future conquests. But then again, that assumes the women in Hollywood have brains too. I can only assume the “famous” actress he visited through the back door, was older than he was, so he might have a lot of fertile furrows to plow in that age category. Since his career is pretty much one dimensional…playing a brainless hispanic immigrant, he might be working on a career alternative. Can anyone say gigilo? Or maybe porn? Nah, I think Ron Jeremy still has a better body and is certainly better hung. Wilmer may have an above average latin schlong, but he will never get past those girly shoulders and arms.

  37. PeteWentz'sGroupie

    Okay, I just have three words to comment on this. 6 syllables.

    Too. Much. Information.

    But really, what can you expect from a…what is he, 25?…25-year-old who’s currently unnatached? Isn’t that the same with every guy of that age? He just happens to be…um…famous. And not really that famous, if I may point that out. B-list at best.

  38. Mackie MacSpeed

    From now on, every guy who bangs Lindsey, Jennifer or Ashley has to be thinking “EEEEEEEW, FEZ’s leftovers”. Not to mention the embarrassment of dicking a girl that slept with a guy named Wilmer. The shame of it all….

  39. he’s lying through his teeth…

  40. me

    Wilmer Craporama is an insecure, talentless, entirely worthless waste of lying feces. He only had loho because she’ll do anyone. Loho is the only woman he’s ever been with in his meaningless pathetic life, you see, he’s in abject denial of his blatant homosexuality. There is no reason for this slanderous trash-mammal to exist as he adds nothing to the human race but nausea. To quote a phrase that wilmer can understand (since its from the 2nd grade) “go down to the river where the water is nice, dunk your head in three times, & pull it out twice.
    P.S. stop breathing wilmutt, you’re taking up oxygen that could be used by worthy life forms.

  41. Rajiv

    Well 8 or 4. Its the GIRTH that counts for women. He is definetly not lying about his size. As for the ass defenitly has to be lohan if what he is saying is true. Well who will now sleep with this talking motherfucker.

  42. hotdogDOWNaHALLWAY

    if a dude has to talk about the size of his junk – yeah, even on Howard Stern, beyond anything more than something like “I haven’t had any complaints…” or “It’s bigger than the average, let’s leave it there…” or something a little more tasteful (unless they’re in porn, or are responding to a defamatory statement made publicly by an ex) – there is a REAL message that they are broadcasting to the listening pub(l)ic… and that REAL message is “I am so insecure about my junk so if i can convince others I’m hung like a horse, then I will begin to believe it myself…I cant go through life knowing that I carry an acorn in my shorts!” –> if he’s so proud of himself, he should prove it. And to hell with anyone who goes with replies like “you wanna see his dick!?” No. I get plenty of pu$$y from my girl (and her friends when they come visit us…my bed is big enough for the crowd) and I have a very good, heterosexual life. My point is that he is from a part of the world that is known for having, well, having junk that can politely be called less than “big” … I don’t know if he ahs ever been told that he has a 3rd leg… But then again, those who seek fame are usually those who are the least secure about themselves to begin with. They need constant adulation and sexual debauchery so they can have self-confidence and feel like they are worth something…ask them to add 2+2 and you’ll see that both of their ‘heads’ are very inadequate…

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