Vacation Mode

May 2nd, 2011 // 16 Comments
Han Solo Chewbacca Bikes

Khloe and I go for a bike ride, May 1, 2011

Dearly Beloved,

After my last attempt epically failed in a pile of perpetual rain, joybuzzer MacBook tingles and still needing to post – *dabs tears away from weepy vagina* – I’m giving this vacation thing another shot for the next five days. Except this time around Photo Boy will be handling the daily posting duties, so try to not completely forge his heart into a blackened husk such as my own with your hate and wanton lust for butt sex.

In the meantime, upon my return, we’ll be working on numerous improvements to the site starting with a better photo gallery experience. I’ve heard your cries, and we’ve been busy in the lab figuring out the best way to serve you celebrity breasts and more importantly Peter Dinklage photos. (I want him to live in my glovebox.) Also, the comments are going to get a little love, and I’m personally working on a feature that allows you to reach into your monitor and squeeze Kim Kardashian‘s butt. I’d show you my prototype, but the two waterbed mattresses I used for asscheeks started leaking. It’s all very scientific.

Anyway, enjoy your non-interrupted gossip this week while I escape to the South which, granted, I make a lot of cracks about, but the hospitality truly is legendary. Right down to the Bluetooth-wearing lesbian grandma busboy who told me about her daughter’s new baby yesterday while using the term “motternt technology.” She was a mystery wrapped in an enigma…

See you Monday,

- The Superficial

P.S. I know what you’re thinking, I suddenly go on “vacation,” and Bin Laden winds up dead? I’m not taking credit, but I did eat a Krispy Kreme donut yesterday causing a red, white and blue beam of light to fire directly into Pakistan. I’m sure it was nothing.

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Photo: Chris McVeigh/Pacific Coast News

superficial

  1. Frankly we should all have the fuckin day off, with free alcohol!

    Wanna see photos tho before getting too carried away believing what the govt says.. but enjoy the day whatever you’re doing.

    Allahou akbar!!!

  2. julie

    “a mystery wrapped in an enigma” (aka the Daodejing) is what my final is on tomorrow. thanks for reminding me….

  3. How come Khloe’s bike hasn’t got punctures?

  4. UY

    Wear a helmet!

  5. the captain

    pssst: EVERY DAY IS THE SAME WITH AMERICANS.
    …….just ask them!!

  6. Man, what I wouldn’t give to be Kloe’s bike seat.

    • Mike Walker

      You can easily simulate that.
      1) Get a garbage bag full of jelly beans.
      2) Coat it with a sauce made from fermented cabbage, baloney grease and Gruyère cheese,
      3) Lie on the floor and drop it on your face.
      4) Death

  7. The story of this Whorey

    Have fun vacationing Fish!

  8. Enjoy all the gravy, Fish!!!!

  9. Holland

    Wishing you a great&sunny holiday Fish!

  10. Safe and happy travels Fishmang!
    Bring me one of those scorpion-in-an-ice-cube thingies.

  11. Katie

    Have a great vacation! If you come to Florida, I can tell you about a place where you can get ten Disney t-shirts for 12 cents.

  12. Superficial Bitch

    Have an excellent time in Vacationland as it is well deserved!

    Big thanks for taking care of that OBL thing before you were off. Really appreciate it dude.

    xoxoxo

  13. Scottlanta

    See you @ JazzFest?

  14. Blech

    Love your writing style SO much, Fish. You bring me lots of laughter.

    Have a blast.

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