Vacation Mode

Khloe and I go for a bike ride, May 1, 2011

Dearly Beloved,

After my last attempt epically failed in a pile of perpetual rain, joybuzzer MacBook tingles and still needing to post – *dabs tears away from weepy vagina* – I’m giving this vacation thing another shot for the next five days. Except this time around Photo Boy will be handling the daily posting duties, so try to not completely forge his heart into a blackened husk such as my own with your hate and wanton lust for butt sex.

In the meantime, upon my return, we’ll be working on numerous improvements to the site starting with a better photo gallery experience. I’ve heard your cries, and we’ve been busy in the lab figuring out the best way to serve you celebrity breasts and more importantly Peter Dinklage photos. (I want him to live in my glovebox.) Also, the comments are going to get a little love, and I’m personally working on a feature that allows you to reach into your monitor and squeeze Kim Kardashian’s butt. I’d show you my prototype, but the two waterbed mattresses I used for asscheeks started leaking. It’s all very scientific.

Anyway, enjoy your non-interrupted gossip this week while I escape to the South which, granted, I make a lot of cracks about, but the hospitality truly is legendary. Right down to the Bluetooth-wearing lesbian grandma busboy who told me about her daughter’s new baby yesterday while using the term “motternt technology.” She was a mystery wrapped in an enigma…

See you Monday,

- The Superficial

P.S. I know what you’re thinking, I suddenly go on “vacation,” and Bin Laden winds up dead? I’m not taking credit, but I did eat a Krispy Kreme donut yesterday causing a red, white and blue beam of light to fire directly into Pakistan. I’m sure it was nothing.

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Photo: Chris McVeigh/Pacific Coast News