Uh Oh, Alex Rodriguez’s Side Chick Wants Money

Alex Rodriguez is probably being publicly blackmailed by one of his long-term booty calls. She’s claiming they have been seeing each other on-and-off since 2011 and has the text messages to prove that A-Rod has a giant penis and is into threesomes. The National Enquirer says that the woman is Lauren Hunter, a fitness model that had a baby with (then married) Marcus Allen after they met on the best website in history for exchanging nudes and glitter graphics… MySpace.

Of course, National Enquirer, being the heap of bullshit gossip that they are, released a full testimonial from Hunter that goes into detail about how A-Rod gets down and she doesn’t sound like a psychopath at all when she says things like:

“I don’t think he’s sexually attracted to her [Jennifer Lopez]. In bed with J.Lo, he’s probably picturing me…
He likes me to always wear heels and lingerie and outfits, dress up as a schoolgirl. All the things I would do with him I wouldn’t do with anyone else.”

How to make people think you are a dime-store fame-whore:
1) Have sex with multiple athletes. (bonus points if they impregnate you)
2) Go to tabloids like the National Enquirer and slag about how good the sex was.
3) Repeat steps 1 and 2 until your boobs fall off.
4) Change your name to something that rhymes with “Dinner” or “BarCashian” and throw rappers in the mix.

The report comes out after an anonymous person tried to extort $600,000 out of A-Rod to keep their old sexts off of the internet. Class.