This Might Be Your Pretty New Batman

July 24th, 2013 // 32 Comments
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When Warner Bros. announced the Man of Steel sequel would feature Batman and be “inspired” by Frank Miller’s classic graphic novel The Dark Knight Returns everyone whose never touched a vagina just assumed this would entail an older, battle hardened Batman who would take Superman to task for totalling half of Metropolis just fighting one guy. Turns out inspired meant just that one part where Batman and Superman fight because, according to Cosmic Book News, they’re screen testing handsome, 25-year-old Teen Wolf star Tyler Hoechlin who will apparently defeat Henry Cavill‘s Superman in a butterfly kisses battle until they become total bros.

“Now that we’re buds, you thinking what I’m thinking?”
“We bang sluts from TV shows who are kind of famous, but not famous enough to turn down anal?”
“I was going to say we join forces and fight crime, but that actually sounds awesome. *touches earpiece* Alfred, tell that kid I got from the circus to cover for me tonight. No, no, wait. *winks at Superman* Tell him I said he has to wear green booty shorts for a costume. — He fucking did it?! Ohmygod! Alright, dude, we’re out. Peace.”

Photos: Getty


  1. Teen Wolf = MJF

    end. of. story.

    • Before I saw the show “Teen Wolf” I was of the same opinion as you are. I thought that there was no chance of it being on the level of MJF film. After losing a bet, I gave it a shot and was pleasantly surprised. Before watching it, you should know that the only thing that the two have in common are the names. Everything else in the show vs. the movies are completely different. The show is more of a cross between “Supernatural” and “Hemlock Grove”, than it is of the movies. The storylines are completely different, as is the level of the comedy.

  2. Bob

    I do not see Batman here, I see the poolboy from Desperate Housewives.

  3. Tyler Hoechlin Batman Superman
    Commented on this photo:

    What an ugly man

  4. Does he come with a hefty supply of unibrow wax?

  5. DC wants to be like Marvel but they keep failing because they keep rebooting their damned franchises. I figured they’d put Joseph Gordon-Levitt in the suit for it, so there would be a sliver of continuity, but now they’re thinking of casting this guy? Good luck with that.

    • Good luck with that? As if you comic book nerds won’t be lined up with dollar billz in hand when this shit bomb drops at the theater.

      • While I would usually agree with you, McBeef, as a comic book nerd I can assure that if they put this asshat in the batsuit they will get none of my mom’s hard earned dollar bills.

  6. Batu Khan

    Considering both Man of Steel and DKR sucked I have no interest in this. Also what’s the point? As much as I like superhero movies they can’t convince me Batman could take on a man who can lift an island and withstand gunfire to the eyeball.

  7. ace11

    Gyllenhaal fits the bill for Batman

  8. EricLR

    He meets all the modern requirements:

    Unknown enough that we can get him for pretty cheap, and spend all our budget on the real star: the CGI?


    Pretty and just famous enough to bring in the female demographic, and not just the ones who get dragged in by their boyfriends?


    Willing to do anything, no matter how humiliating, to promote the film?


    Gentlemen, I think we have our Batman!

  9. These guys give my reaction to this post

  10. DN

    Hey, he was the kid in Road to Perdition with Tom Hanks!

  11. Tyler Hoechlin Batman Superman
    Commented on this photo:

    25 ? Wow. Really has that been-through-a-lot-to-become-Batman ring to it ? Um, no. It certainly does not. A young Batman would have made sense with Joseph Gordon-Levitt in the role, since we’ve all seen how he got to this place, emotionally and in terms of experience.
    However, this may be better. JG-L was part of a brilliant trilogy, and NOTHING from that masterful set of art and work should have ANYTHING to do with this suitable-for-comics-only-but-we-want-to-because-Marvel-has-group-movies stooooopid idea of putting Superman and Batman in the same day and age.
    Even with the “realistic”, harder, darker approach of this Superman, it’s still Dummmmmmmb. Batman is the coolest and this is a shameless instance of using something excellent to try and milk more money out of it all. OK, they’re in the money business, that’s fine. So, yes, Good that it’s a new Batman, having nothing to do with the brillian trilogy. Let ‘em comics it up. Have fun. By the way — a pair of superheroes does not bring the “group thing” into play the way Marvel did. And THAT’s where it gets tough, doesn’t it ? WonderWoman ? Casting must be SUPERB to get that to work. Aquaman ? Well…,Big Bang Theory has said plenty about Aquaman. In order to bring some reason and semi-credibility to these characters they’ll wind up either having some be aliens…or some be mutants and then you’re copping on X-Men.
    It may be too late, anyway. Superman was terrific and it deserved its great success. But I think the public is staring to get sick of all the CGI, etc. Might be wrong.
    Bottom line — I’m all right with AS LONG AS IT HAS NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING to do with the Bale-Nolan Batman Brilliance !

  12. It really doesn’t matter who it is. As long as he can carry the Batman character well, it should be good. When am I gonna get my god damned Flash movie DC?

    • This right here. I thought Chris Evans was a terrible choice for Cap and then I went to see the movie. I was wrong. I’m always wrong about superhero casting choices, so if I think it’s a bad choice, it must be the right one. Although I still don’t like Renner as Hawkeye.

      Oh and double yes to a Flash movie.

      • I think Renner did a great job as Hawkeye. He’s great in action movies and he played off Scarlett’s Black Widow well.

        DC really doesn’t give the Flash the respect he deserves. He’s one of the most powerful heroes in the DC universe, he’s got a great personality and a great rogues gallery. I loved the old Flash TV series.

      • Yeah Don. I guess I just kind of don’t like Renner and that spills over into the Avengers.

        I gather you’re already reading the New 52 Flash comic, but if not, check it out. I really dig the artwork and it’s one of the only DC books I’m still buying.

      • No, Chris Evans fucking sucks ass.

  13. Man I liked this kid when he was Tom Hanks’ son in Road To Perdition. Now he’s your everyday duck-lips crinkled-forehead TV actor/model.

  14. I will go on record saying that this is a negotiation ploy to get somebody else’s price down. No way this dude is actually being considered, unless, for some reason, he crushes his audition. Let’s be honest…..that’s not happening.

  15. Wolverine maybe, sure as hell not Batman.

    Bale really needs to come back for this movie, I mean this might be one of the biggest movies of all time and he is the best Batman ever, it would be just wrong without him. However, as others have pointed out, if not him, then it should be Joseph Gordon Levitt.

  16. Jenn

    This child’s handsome face offends me with the artfully disheveled hair, and just enough stubble to highlight the manly cheekbones. Pshaw! I can see it now, “To the Batsalon, Alfred! I’ve gotta get my chest waxed!”

    Where the fuck is Swampthing? I’m quite sure he’d just go to Lowe’s for fertilizer and some hedge clippers.

  17. Cat

    I find him quite revolting looking to be honest, but I guess it’s nothing a batman mask or a light switch can’t fix! ;)

  18. HadEnough

    Enough fucking Batman movies!!! How many times does this franchise need to be replayed? Each one of these movies needs to start off with an announcer quietly saying “The part of Batman for tonight’s performance will be played by ______________”. HEY HOLLYWOOD, STOP REMAKING BATMAN (and Spiderman) MOVIES, ENOUGH ALREADY!!!! Can somebody please have an original thought?

  19. That wall-eyed freak?

  20. If they are going to do The Dark Knight Returns, quite possibly the best Batman story ever told, then call up Micheal Keaton and do it right. But no…. Snyder will interject piss poor Hollywood writing and turn this ino an abortion of a movie

  21. Yanez

    Jensen Ackles would be the best choice for Batman…..

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