Scientologists Voted For Trump, Of Course

L. Ron Hubbard founded the Church of Scientology for the singular purpose of creating a tax scam that would make him far wealthier than any of the shit he tried before that, like being a shitty author or a half-assed Hollywood player. Sound familiar? So, it’s no surprise that his followers — who also think their ancestors were ejaculated into a volcano by aliens — voted for the guy who built an empire on borrowed money and bankruptcy law manipulation. Yep, this a Donald Trump post. Deal with it. Via Jezebel.

Of the 1,700 precincts in the overwhelmingly liberal city of Los Angeles, only seven voted for Donald Trump. Obviously, the Church of Scientology’s “Big Blue” complex was in one of them. The Los Angeles Times reports that Trump won the neighborhood by three—347 to 344—and it’s the first time it went Republican since at least 2000. Of the approximately 1,100 voters registered in the precinct, around half live on Scientology property.

The church’s official statement is that they remain neutral on politics and that they “support this country’s electoral process and America’s representative form of government, and respect the right of parishioners, our staff and clergy to vote for the candidate of choice.” And that support is especially strong when they pick a guy who, like Hubbard, consistently traded in his wives for younger, more obedient versions. But I’m sure that’s just a coincidence, right? Anyway, here’s the part where I get to imagine Trump’s secretly been a Scientologist this whole time, which still wouldn’t even come close to explaining how in the batshit hell he became our President.

Donald Trump Melania Trump Dinner
“Donald, make waiter bring vodka. Looking at you sober is nightmare.”
“I’m trying, but my mind beams don’t work in here. Probably the magnetometers. Sad!”

Donald Trump Melania Trump Inauguration
“Melania is bored, Donald. Hurry up with stupid party.”
“Rude! I’m trying to decide when’s the best time during my speech to fly up to the rotunda.”

Donald Trump Melania Trump Obamas
“Hold up, did he just say ISIS is just Thetans and getting Tom Cruise to beat them was his secret plan the whole time? Oh, hell no, Michelle, we’re staying.”
“Barry, if I’m not shitfaced in Tortola in 48 hours, someone’s gonna die.”
“Obama out.”

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