Track Palin Arrested For Domestic Violence, Has Impeccable Timing

“When ma ‘comes president, I’mma hit me whole bunches of women.”
“Aww, who’s a cute little baby I’m supposed to believe is my brother? Aww, yes…”

Because it’s going to be a while until Bristol gets knocked up again while cheating on a Medal of Honor recipient, Sarah Palin endorsed Donald Trump for president this afternoon and was rewarded not even an hour later by news that her son Track Palin was arrested for domestic violence after punching his girlfriend in the face and drunkenly wielding a firearm. So at least he did it in the most Real America™ way possible. Gawker reports:

In a press release, Wasilla Police say they responded to a disturbance at around 10 p.m. last night, and that “an investigation revealed Track Palin had committed a domestic violence assault on a female, interfered with her ability to report a crime of domestic violence, and possessed a firearm while intoxicated.” All three charges are misdemeanors.

Now, you’re probably thinking, “Track’s a grown man. What does this have to do with his mother?” and I’m glad you asked. You see, Sarah Palin belongs to a very special group of evangelical snake oil salesman who try to lure in people, and more importantly their money, by promising them all kinds of awesome goodies:

You’ll be richer!
Your family will be happier!
Your kids will behave!
Your spouse will do whatever it is you want them to do that they’re not doing, and yes, we’re totally talking about sex stuff!

And the list goes on because Jesus’ magic is whatever you need to pretend it is at any given moment. (Sprinkle it on desserts!) So when Sarah Palin steps onto a national stage and says, “Listen here, varmints, Donald Trump’s the best rootin’ tootin’ candidate for president!” it’s probably a good idea to take a step back and look at what’s happened to literally everything she’s touched and/or raised. From the violent domestic abuser son – Who may or may not have joined the military after being caught cutting brakes on a school bus. Just throwing that out there. – to the Abstinence Ambassador daughter who, as of this post, has shit out two kids with different dads all while blogging about the evils of secular living. I mean, Jesus Christ, there are 19 Duggar kids to the Palin’s five, and so far only one of them has managed to step in as much shit as the Palins. These idiots are defying math now. Basic math.

Adding… Me as soon as I heard about all of this:

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Photo: Getty