Tom Cruise understands cars

May 11th, 2006 // 153 Comments

It’s hard to ruin an entrance when you’re driving in in a $1.3 million Bugatti Veyron, but leave it to Tom Cruise to accomplish the impossible. And leave it to me to come up with these delicious puns. Or should I say, these mission impossibles? No wait, that’s not a pun. That’s genius.

Thanks to Gretchen for the tip.


  1. Italian Stallion

    I bet if there was a naked man in that car he would have had no problem………….

  2. jenny4a20

    Please someone just punch him in the face!!!

  3. ummm… I actually find this disturbing because I can just imagine what’s going to happen to ‘Kate’ when they get home… I heard that the assigned punishment for causing 2 minutes of emberassment to Tom is a two hour session wearing a gorilla suit and strap on combo while spanking Cruise and changing his diapers… it’s true… I read it in my ‘Scientology for Dummies’ book… poor Katie

  4. Jacq

    #21 – He had to undo his car seat. He’s so short he still needs one, he’s just *barely* tall enough to even ride in the front seat.

  5. Italian Stallion

    Come to think of it, I’m surprised there wasn’t, nevermind, he keeps them in the trunk………..

  6. Jacq

    #28 – I bet he took out the normal gear shifter and replaced it with a dildo. It’s like when people get cool ones with skulls and shit, but with a homo-erotic twist.

  7. pinky_nip

    #31: Fucking ‘A. Classic. Me love you.

  8. Geno

    If he can’t drive, how is he going to play Iron man?

  9. Remember “Kitt” from Knight Rider? That Bugatti’s his grandson.

    Tom: Bugatti, open the door.
    Bugatti: No, Tom.
    Tom: Bugatti, open the door. You’re embarrassing me.
    Bugatti: No, Tom. Kate doesn’t want to go out there.
    Tom: Excuse me? You open that door! Tell Kate I want her to come out!
    Bugatti: I’ve told her. She says you have to say you want her to come out there.
    Tom: What? This makes no-
    Bugatti: Say it bitch!
    (door opens)

  10. snookyookums

    She was just listening to the end of Brooke Shield’s CDbook about postpartum depression called “Down Came the Rain” Oh that Brooke! So funny!

  11. Spacedog

    To paraphrase the drill sergeant in Platoon:
    “Open that door, you maggot! You know if there was some veiny cock in there you’d be in the car already!”

  12. liya

    Ha wat a total dick.
    For those of you who are British would just like to say today i officially finished my training contract, whoa (sound of champagne being uncorked)

    For those of you who are not, i apologise. just wanted to share this great news with. peace and love to you all, yes even to you stallion, today noone can ruin my mood.

  13. Iambananas

    It’s just that they played the same clip like 4 times in a row to make it appear longer. and plus, it wasn’t his fault, it’s whoever he was opening the door for that locked it. Lame story. Tom rocks.

  14. bean_dip

    this guy is such a pant load.

  15. billabong021

    holy fuk that looked embarassing…

  16. Iambananas

    The stories (much like some of the haters) on this site are getting lame… they are ALWAYS about the same people. Tom Cruise, Linsdey Lohan and Jessica Simpson… with a little Paris every once in a while. It’s getting old… very old.

  17. Fisher55

    40, how does tom’s ass taste today? fruity?

  18. Iambananas


    IT WAS SOOOO GOOD! he’s a good actor

    FAVE TOM MOVIE: Ummm… probably Interview With a Vampire. Or maybe War of the Worlds. Okay, it was War.

  19. Iambananas


    IT WAS SOOOO GOOD! he’s a good actor

    FAVE TOM MOVIE: Ummm… probably Interview With a Vampire. Or maybe War of the Worlds. Okay, it was War.

  20. TOPAZ21

    lame-shit-banana’s, will you go away if we ignore you?

  21. Oh man, I love it!

    Thanks for turning my frown upside down, Tom!

  22. Italian Stallion

    Movie phrases that will never sound right coming out of Tom Cruise ever again……

    1. “I’m gonna pump you fulla lead!”
    2. “Give me a stiff one, barkeep!”
    3. “Don’t fret—I’ve been in tight spots before.”
    4. “You stay here while I sneak around from behind.”
    5. “Nice spread ya got there!”
    6. “He’s just a friend.”
    7. “I was in the movie cocktail”

    Feel free to add on, can’t think of anymore…….

    #43 I’m sure what you meant to say was… My comments on here have always been stupid and not funny at all, I shouldn’t come back here, It’s getting old, very old……

  23. LOL!! This is the event that that idiot Sherry was talking about the other day “Tom is great, he showed up in a BUGATI!” LOL!! Sherry, you forgot to mention that your cock loving idol could get the door open with his delicate little hands!

    I hope they used seat covers, I hear crazy can stain.

  24. Haha bananas, you said that Tom Cruise is mice.
    He’s probably tall enough to be one, and all of the scientific experimenting would explain why he’s so gonzo.
    Seriously, it’s too bad that he bought the rights to the Iron Man movie.
    I bet Favreau could’ve done a decent job with it.

  25. Jacq

    #49 – Did he say “I van to suck (your blood)” in Interview with a Vampire? I am sort of sad now because you can quote so much Tom.

    #51 – He’s more like a hamster. He stores nuts in his cheeks.

  26. Renegade Priest

    I might be stuck at work at 21:36… but I am not Tom “I will unite the world with hate for me” Cruise…

  27. Renegade Priest

    Sorry yeah… and he loves cock!

  28. TOMCRUISEluvsthecock

    I wish I was 5′ 6″ tall, insane, believe in Xenu, have huge horse-teeth and loved the cock. Maybe then I could be rich & famous like Tom Cruise.

  29. andrewthezeppo

    The question is how big is that car’s cock? Cause for 1.3 million, I’m sure Tom damanded a big one.

    Also, Katie is so much bigger and taller than him. Guess Tom is the bottom.

  30. Libraesque

    Oh hell, now I’ve gotta go home and changed, I just peed my pants I was laughing so hard. What a toooooooool

  31. Charlaurz McHall

    Check out this,

  32. It’s really one of those things where you’re not sure who’s the fucktard. Tommy boy, for not knowing the door was unlocked and turning a cool entrance into a farce. Katie – oops, sorry – Kate (she’s a child-bearing woman now) for not knowing how to unlock a fucking car door. Or (unfortunately most probable) the Bugatti designers, who make a 1.3 million dollar automobile which apparently requires an instruction manual in order to open a door from the inside.

  33. #33 – Jacq, if that were true, it would be Kate having a hard time getting Tom out of the car.

  34. Iambananas


    And I correct myself when i said mice instead of nice, you idiot.

  35. Jacq

    I laugh so hard at him, I SOM. Good thing I wore my brown pants today.

  36. Iambananas

    Italian Stallion, TOPAZ21, Praz, you are all members of the club C. O. O. B.!!! (Club of Obsessors Over Bananas!!!)

  37. Iambananas

    I want to see females here actually saying Tom Cruise isn’t attractive! That’s impossible because he’s really cute and sweet. If you don’t, I would be a little worried.

  38. tsarinaamanda


    Do you even realize the irony of saying “YOUR IGNORANT”, and misspelling “you’re”? And Tom Cruise is not MICE, he LIKES mice. Up his ass. In place of the gerbil that Richard Gere made famous. BTW, nobody is stalking you, we just love pointing out how fucking lame you are. It kind of worries me that you actually think anyone is interested in you beyond calling you out on your stupidity, celeb ass-licking, and your fucked up grammar and spelling.

  39. Jacq

    #60 – At this point, I’d be pleasantly surprised if she remembered what a dick looks like. She hasn’t seen one since… when did they hook-up?

  40. Iambananas

    Its like a game waiting for you all to obsess over me… and my comments are whitty and b-a-n-a-n-a-s.

  41. Iambananas

    All you haters that say he’s short better be taller than 5’7” or you are losers for making fun of someone like you.

  42. Dr.Rokter

    From the Bugatti manual (English translation)

    1. Making sure is ‘up’ internal position switch.
    2. Moving switch back make door close.
    3. Alternate movement ‘back’ will not open door.
    4. Finding external switch (on chain), use thumb pad positioning to ‘up’ for opening door.
    5. Internal passanger for security move ‘down’ switch to protection.
    6. Driver on outside pulling door not open. ‘Down’ position provide protection from driver.
    7. When satisfied for safety and driver are contained outside automobile, leaving switch ‘down’.

  43. Iambananas

    tsarinaamanda… I know, I know… you study every word I type in hopes of having something to say to be and furthering your obsession over everything I type. I type quickly and sometime don’t have time to spell check to get my interesting comments in to the idiots like you who can’t appreciate them.

    Do you realize the irony of saying someone is stupid and ignorant when you use ignorant language such as that? It shows no class and a lack of a good upbringing. Grow up, child… and


    STOP OBSESSING OVER ME! (I never mentioned stalking, so you’re a further idiot.)

  44. Getitstraight

    What the hell! I am the one who gave you the tip…who the fuc! is Gretchen???? So you see I was 1st. Give credit where credit is due. Below is what I sent in to the Linday Lohand comment area last night!!!!!!
    Check it out I was comment #39 or close to that.
    Posted by Getitstraight on May 11, 2006 10:56 AM

    I sent this in to the Superficial, but they seem to not want to go with it…..Nothing to do with LL, but watch TC make an even bigger fool of himself, What an a**hole!. Hilarious.

  45. Iambananas

    Don’t try to out smart, out class or out do me, you will not win! I am just a better breed of human than you are… deal with it, I’m better than you.

  46. Jacq

    Yes, Bugatti? I would like to order an auto with rock-my-penis steering. What? What the hell is rack-and-pinion?

  47. # 64 The Banana Dude, I just took a poll of women in my office and the result was pretty much this. (Why would I want to date a guy that I can pick up with one hand?)

    They all said he’s too tiny and weird. And also many said that they only date Hetrosexuals.

  48. Jacq

    #67 – I would LOVE to point out that you spelled witty incorrectly, for which I am sure you will call ME an idiot.
    Unless you were trying to spell shitty, in which case, you are correct.
    For posts like #70 – you fucking suck and ought to get banned for being obnoxious.

  49. Guess the car door is more complicated than his spaceship hatch

  50. TOMCRUISEluvsthecock

    Iambananas, you suck more than the 14 year-old male prostitute that Tom Cruise picked up last night.

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