Tom Cruise stabs Katie Holmes in the head. Maybe.

December 19th, 2005 // 38 Comments

tom_cruise_katie_hold.jpgI’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for this picture, but I prefer to jump to conclusions so I’ll just go ahead and assume that Tom Cruise is stabbing Katie Holmes in the head. Or – and this one’s a lot less believable – he’s forcing her to perform oral sex on him. Sure, there will be naysayers out there who claim he’s just holding her hair out of the birthday candles as she blows them out, but let’s be realistic here. Katie Holmes? Having a birthday? Wouldn’t it make more sense if Tom Cruise just happened to decide that stabbing her in the back of the head would be an awesome thing to do? I think it would, my friends. I think it would.


  1. Leslie

    Wow, her boobs are huge now.

  2. MortyFishbein

    I prefer to think of this as his reprimanding her for taking Xenu’s name in vain.

    C’mon, people! When are going to shun people, famous or not, who believe in a space alien-based faith. That’s right “faith.” They can get TAX DOLLARS, people.

    Xenu Christ!!

  3. Why didn’t Tom personally — personally! — blow out the candles for her?

  4. I hope the celebration was silent. No one wants to traumatize that unborn child.

  5. sammygirl

    Giromide, I think he’s holding her head back so he himself CAN blow out the candles for her.

  6. spamnews

    Her boobs are huge in comparison to what she started with which were boobs more appropriately-sized for an ant or a small dog. Pam Anderson, Carmen Electra, Britney SPears. Those are some huge boobs. Katie’s? Not so much. Which is fine. But let’s maintain a little perspective here, people.

  7. allioson

    k hes holding back her hair….bummmer i really wish that sick relationship will end somehow…..asap

  8. About friggin’ time someone did it….

  9. Snazzfu

    C’mon people. Those aren’t boobs. . . that is her new Anti-Xenubafoo ultrasound machine. Giving her boobs would be as valuable as giving Tom Cruise a penis. Which again raises the question of how she ever got pregnant in the first place. Ew.

  10. Thanks for the pic, Sammygirl. I must ask the obvious: CUPCAKES?

  11. derekd

    Beat me to the punch Leslie. That’s exactly what I was gonna point out. That and Katie is one of those few women whos looks actually improve with pregnancy. Sorry ladies, hate to let the cat out of the bag but your husbands/baby’s father was lying to you, you really look like shit when your prego.

  12. Haley

    Does anyone else not look at this and see Katie being amazed by a copy machine?

  13. theyareidiots

    How thoughtful of Tom to help her out. After all, he probably has far more experience blowing things than she does.

  14. nikki

    there is something very disturbing about this guy. and whatever it is, he is becoming less and less able to keep it under wraps. why would anyone have a biological child for this nutcase? and how much time do the other kids spend with Nicole? Tom seems to dominate their time too.

  15. MacMac

    “But with so many cupcakes, the pregnant Holmes (whose birthday is Sunday) needs a little extra blowing power from Cruise.”

    Hee hee!

  16. jka

    I seriously doubt it’s the biological child of that homunculus. Prosthetic belly is more likely.

  17. courtney

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Comic gold. Ive seen this picture a thousand times and I havent laughed until I read your interpretation. I love it.

  18. snark

    besides the death grip that he has on her hair, this is the most normal, natural picture of them i have seen. that looks like something a non-pretend couple might do.

  19. SpiderMomma

    I think Tommyboy is just biding his time until he can join the mothership with Emperor Crazypants Michael Jackson.

  20. Haley, I just snorted out loud with laffter at your “copy machine” comment. klassik!

    U guys see the LA Times expose on tom/scientology? check it!

  21. Tom Cruise knows about blowing out candles. Tom Cruise has studied blowing, you haven’t.

  22. BadassFred

    Exactly, Jewbacca. Tom Cruise knows the history or candle blowing. We don’t.

  23. SpiderMomma

    He’s been practicing blowing something that’s for sure.

  24. hafaball

    I was laughing about the stabbing thing, then about the blow job thing, knowing perfectly well he was just holding her hair up….until I saw how far away the cake was from the two. So, I’m gonna say he’s about to slam her head on the table for not making a wish about scientology.

  25. noooo….i think the only logical explanation here is that she wanted to perform oral sex on him, but he got angry at the very thought of it and is pulling her away from his crotch by her hair.

  26. HollyJ

    OK first of all, he’s gripping her hair like an SPCA officer pulling a cat out of a hole. It looks like a sterile clench, not a sweet hair-holding. Is it possible that he could look more uncomfortable touching her? It’s like watching Nathan Lane try to make love to a woman. NOT NATURAL

    Secondly, he’s got his other hand on her left forearm, as if he’s trying to steady her before she tumbles over. How many non-alcoholic beers has she had?

    Thirdly, he’s not even LOOKING at her as he’s manhandling her. He’s lustily eyeballing whatever it is she’s about to blow on the table. (Rob perhaps ???)

    And lastly – geezuz christ – did she unhinge her mandible for this shot? She could give head to a Javan Rhino with that mouth. =0

  27. slinkhard

    Ugh, what a control freak.

  28. BadGoat

    That is an ugly picture. Look at the way he’s grabbing her hair, it’s not loving or kind in any way. He IS a control freak.

  29. tess

    As they say, an image is worth a thousand words. This picture shows that Tom is a control freak. I mean, the way he holds her hair shows that he has absolutely no respect for this woman. He treats her like some accessory or some doll. Poor Katie. I wonder if she realizes the type of mess she got into by getting pregnant with this midget. Her life is officially ruined for ever now. Let’s just hope she won’t have to deal with baby blues… The poor woman won’t even be able to drink alcohol for the rest of her life (thanks to Tom’s so-called religion)…

  30. xd

    Awww it’s so cute, he’s holding her hair while she blows the candles so it won’t get burnt or on the cake!!:)

  31. rose13

    Hey everyone. I found this website with pics of Tom, Katie and the new baby on planet Xenu. Check them out.

  32. prideofchucky

    “Alright Kate, blow out your candles and make ah- WAIT! NOT NOW!!! DID I SAY TO BLOW THEM OUT NOW?!?!? WELL DID I?! NO, THAT’S RIGHT I DIDN’T SAY TO BLOW THEM OUT NOW! HOW….MANY….TIMES…..DO ….I….HAVE…TO…TELL…-”

  33. sweet as sugar

    Why is everyone always picking on them? They are a totally normal couple who happen to worship an alien named Xenu and have conceived a child using a turkey baster. What’s wrong with that?

  34. minxy

    I thought pregnant women were supposed to have a glow (?) Katie Holmes used to be so cute, and ever since she’s been with tom cruise, she just seems to be getting less and less attractive. And I don’t think it’s becuase she’s pregnant. Usually pregnant women have beautiful skin and look really healthy and womanly-she looks almost kind of sickly and pale, and just…bad.

  35. Superman

    You guys are a bunch of bottom-feeding, lowlife idiots.



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