Tom Cruise saved firefighters video quotes

January 18th, 2008 // 147 Comments

The media’s been buzzing this morning with reports of the Tom Cruise Scientology video that boasts how the actor came to the aid of New York City firefighters after 9/11. Since the intergalactic federation of Thetans has been suing every YouTube user in sight that hosts the supposedly stolen videos, here’s a rundown about what the church of Scientology recruitment video claims Tom did for firefighters, according to Page Six:

In the promotional tape, the star states, with a scary gleam in his eye: “A Scientologist is someone who can look at the world and really see what it is . . . and be effective and do something about it and someone who’s not asking permission to do that. Why ask permission? We are the authorities!”

Next, the video cuts to news footage of the devastation at Ground Zero as cheap action music plays and a cheesy narrator boasts: “And nothing says that better than the Mr. Cruise response [sic] to the wake-up call in the aftermath of 9/11 . . . If he takes a stand, it’s pedal to the metal till the finish line, as in helping New York firemen. He first saw the dust and heard the cough when descending to the ruins, where he bolstered morale among firemen. The devastation had spread an unprecedented combination of toxins through the air – and it was lethal.”

Cruise’s voice kicks back in: “The EPA came out and said the air was clean. Of course, as a Scientologist, you go, ‘That’s a lie, [an] out[right] lie . . .’ You know, you just go, ‘Liar. Fine.’ ”

The narrator then returns to brag how Cruise “personally saw to the establishment of a first New York-covered detox project. And, no, he did not ask permission.”

The article goes on to state the project was widely trashed by medical professionals and Mayor Michael Bloomberg. So I guess Tom Cruise’s detox center is apparently no more reputable than my “Boobie Inspection Center.” Which is surprising considering he had a state-of- the-art facility with exercise bikes and oxygen masks whereas I had my garage and a lab coat I bought at the thrift store. Though to be professional I wrote “Dr. Sexypants” on the chest pocket with magic marker.

NOTE: Gawker has a copy of the video here. If you haven’t seen any of these yet, they are hilarious. And by hilarious I mean Holy shit Tom Cruise is going to kill us all.

Photos: Getty Images

  1. Anze

    ENOUGH of the mystic tans. Oh Katie, you are so pale and covered with stretch marks and moles and scars…….*gets spray-on tan*……oh wow Katie, you look so fit and pretty. Nuh-uh. STill ugly.

    And most asymmetric knees ever. Goes with her ugly feet.

  2. El-COyote

    And that is why I don’t watch movies if the person involved is a Scientologist…

    Since we cannot shoot them the only thing to do is ignore them and hope they go away….

  3. Xenuology

    Proud Scientologist -

    I’m a follower of Xenu, and while we’re a small group, we’re growing, and we’re FUCKING TIRED of you Hubbard pussies blaming the great leader of the Milky Way for your fucking problems.

    Xenu is coming back my friend, and when he arrives, your ass will be heading for a volcano! HA HA HA HA HA!!!

  4. whatever

    I bet Proud Scientologist is shitting his pants now. That’s right bitch…we all know you believe in Xenu…and now he’s coming for your ass. Look, up in the sky, is that a DC-8?!? OH FUCK!

    Hey, I’ll come to a free screening if I can stand on the desk and piss all over your e-meter. Think it will register the tremendous power of my cock?

    Oh, I’m sorry, am I a “SP”? I’m going to start referring to all scientologists as FI’s…FUCKING IDIOTS. Make that BFI…BRAINWASHED FUCKING IDIOTS.

  5. Um Yeah

    They’re both fucking nuts.

  6. Angry Scientologist

    In all honesty I cannot believe how insensitive you characters are here. There are unseen forces that we have tapped and I doubt that you are either aware on the outside or are ready to be exposed to such. Please do not anger me further for I cannot be held accountable for what may happen.
    Please mature before this nagging gnawing energy inside me is on the outside coming towards YOU.

  7. who cares, exactly?

    who fucking cares about Tom Cruise anyways? Katie Holmes is sweet, but ever since her thing with Tom, she is a total freak. Tom Cruise….OMFG he’s annoying.

  8. RedCrossGuy

    I was at Ground Zero for the recovery effort. This asshole had nothing to do with it.

  9. Puritan Assmilk

    holy Xenu, you idiots are ready for the flying spaghetti monster. it’s the next great thing…create your own reality, spend loads of money to move up, etc. plus, there is spaghetti.

  10. Puritan Assmilk

    oh, and TCLTC

  11. Love both of them!!!!!!!!!!!!! I find their more information on seekamillionarie!!!!!!!! I’m very curious about them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  12. 3rd pic: You think they broke anything to get her pelvis bone to do that?

    @46, 85, 88 and 95

    Here are good places to look for alternative wisdom:
    Church of the Subgenius (I heard the date for “The Rupture” had a TRIPLE YOUR MONEY BACK GAURANTEE! Now that’s quality you can trust!)

    I’d like to see some Spockology too, though.

    I’m guessing 46 was a joke, because any trace of cynicism or skepticism is going to cut Scientology or pretty much any cult to ribbons instantly, so why come to a black hole of cynicism to defend it? Cults/Religions with no solid evidence to back them up (ie ALL OF THEM) are only for those who hopelessly WANT TO BE FOOLED.

    Scientology has like three notable ARTISTIC talents (and their notability is debatable, Cruise is a ham/performer), a bunch of washed up b-lister ARTISTS who are mostly helpless fucked up addicts, and the rest are nobodies. NO INTELLIGENT MEMBERS, no one who contributes anything noteworthy to society. Fucked up artists and nobodies.
    Other nails in the coffin: >>>IT ISN”T FREE< <<, and no ones allowed to question it (like all successful cults). I saw some fool parroting emotionally charged horseshit to try and defend Scientology on CNN last night. It was embarrassing. They're their own worst enemies.
    Also, L. Ron's books were SHIT.

    I don't know if this is a joke or not; a parody of a parody?:

    @103 Can I get on that crazy train? I’ve been reading about this Xenu guy and his ideas make a lot of sense. His attempted execution of these ideas makes him one of the most incompetent dimwits in the history of forever; I think as far as practical planning and efficiency goes he’s almost as stupid as any of the Semitic deities, but otherwise I think he has a good heart.

  13. Tchoupi

    11 – “Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day”

    I love how 2000 americans or so dying makes the world “stop turning”, but 200,000 irakis doesn’t…

  14. El-COyote

    Put on your tin foil hat and do your best Angry Scientologist.
    You psycho LRH cocksuckers need to be shot in the dead.

  15. El-COyote

    Almost forgot… LRH was a known homosexual.
    Probably why TC loves him (and the cock) so much….


  16. Dee

    Looks like the scientologists have been ordered to fill these blogs. If they weren’t such a nasty bunch picking on the meekest of the meek this would be hilariously entertaining. And yes little Maypother IV you’re just a meek little dude with a huge amount of baggage who has never delt with his childhood issues. You’re actually the perfect front for these losers and you’re not even smart enough to see that you are only being used and abused.

  17. EuroNeckPain

    Tom Cruise looks gorgeous at 45. Maybe he is a bit crazy but he definitely looks very healthy and you’d think he is in his early thirties.

  18. Scientology the Glory

    I am really losing my patience. Have you persons ever thought that maybe you do not know of what you say? The accusations made against Mr. Hubble are ALL false. Every single one of them. He was honored by the military for distinquised service and has done more to assist mankind in his further development than any other man this or last century.
    I have had it with your kind. Live in ignorance. Die in sin. I am looking for the baby and all babies so that they do not turn into monsters like you and all the other men and women of previous recorded history. Or shall we say the history that was taught to you in error.

  19. Thetans

    I clealy meant the honorable ‘Ron L. Hubbard not Hubble. A darkness has found my mind. At least I know how and where to cleanse mine.

  20. El-COyote

    Wow. Psycho to the max. You are looking for babies? His further development of what? A pyramid money grabbing scheme that defrauds morons such as yourself and is based in utter horse shit? LRH was a psycho homosexual who did too many drugs and started a cult for the feebleminded.

    Go somewhere and eat a bullet. You would be doing the world a service.

  21. Caring Scientologist

    120 you sound so angry. In our organization there is not anger but rather love. This talk of bullets. So sad. Dear Mr. Hubbard was not homosexual. Where does this emanate from in your confused mind. Clearing could really help with all the engrams you have accumulated. The answer is there for you and you will not accept the truth. Why?

  22. El-COyote

    Here is some of the steaming pile of Scientology…. HORSE SHIT.

    Scientologists believe that Seventy-five million years ago, Xenu was the ruler of a Galactic Confederacy which consisted of 26 stars and 76 planets including Earth, which was then known as Teegeeack. The planets were overpopulated, each having an average population of 178 billion.[1][2][3] The Galactic Confederacy’s civilization was comparable to our own, with aliens “walking around in clothes which looked very remarkably like the clothes they wear this very minute” and using cars, trains and boats looking exactly the same as those “circa 1950, 1960″ on Earth. Xenu was about to be deposed from power, so he devised a plot to eliminate the excess population from his dominions. With the assistance of “renegades”, he defeated the populace and the “Loyal Officers”, a force for good that was opposed to Xenu. Then, with the assistance of psychiatrists, he summoned billions[1] of his citizens together to paralyze them with injections of alcohol and glycol, under the pretense that they were being called for “income tax inspections”. The kidnapped populace was loaded into spacecraft for transport to the site of extermination, the planet of Teegeeack (Earth). The spacecraft were identical to the Douglas DC-8 with the exception of having different engines.

  23. Petite

    All you fake Scientoligst posting here are *cracking* me up!

    The lingo sounds almost right…

  24. Petite

    Oh hell, there’s no fucking doubt about it, that shit is NO RELIGION, it’s a CULT for damn sure!

    (I tried to get one more cuss word in there, but it wouldn’t fit)

  25. heather

    Stand up straight lady.

  26. I checked a her sexy photo at the STD dating

  27. Lowlands

    Whatching this video i expected to rain any moment frogs.But it didn’t,maybe some spit.You’d have to ask the interviewer.

  28. Sauron

    Spit or frogs,they’re both slimy anyway.

  29. Billy Reno

    Where the fuck is Rosie O’Donnell to defend her cutie patootie?!

  30. El-COyote

    Almost forgot…. LRH was also a Satanist. Fact.

  31. El-COyote

    A little light reading about how someone got duped by $cientology

  32. mamadough

    so people 75 million years ago people were paying income taxes and driving around in studebakers (spelling?). im sure that alien life is so fucking NOT advanced to be wearing aprons and corduroy pants. i wonder how the dinosaurs felt about that? xenu sounds like a real dick. i bet he could have combined powers with khan. and im sure that psychiatrists are sitting around trying to lure people into volcanoes. i wonder if chuck norris is the prophet they are waiting for to kick xenu’s ass? i don’t understand how someone can be told this shit and take it seriously.

  33. ashley

    mike, worthily this site is attractively…….and more more information

  34. NoName
    This is a drug detox center founded by Ron L Hubbard. One of my very close friends went to it and when she came back she had told me all about it. Including the having to sit in a group of people with her eyes closed while the rest of the room stared at her for 2 hours at a time. The center also had a mandatory detoxing time which you are put into a low temperature sauna for 8 hours, you are only allowed out for 10 mins every hour to get some kind of “vitamin” shot. Anyway chick came back drug free but bitch is crazy with all of her “new” thinking about the world.

  35. TC Should Not Be Allowed to Reproduce

    How could anyone let a Scientology idiot like TC fuck, and even worse, impregnate her? Even a vagina can deliver a better speech than this imbecile.

  36. Xenu is not someting to joke about...

    …you can believe this much. Do not rant on when you do not know the whole story. And all you do is read about these things not experience them directly.


  37. kily

    hi, guys, nice discussion, I am Sue. A hot white girl with perfect sexy stature. I’m seeking for a good man, especial who loves sports. All can view my hot photos and videos at by searching “peggysue”. No matter who you are and where you come from…

  38. belowitall

    Clem, have you asked yourself, “What exactly is Tom Cruise doing to help?” Helping whom, or with what? Oh, I get it! He is spending thousands of dollars on clothes, hair, make-up, etc. in an effort to create a “new” scientologist-ized Katie Holmes — one who looks “doable” now. And, I guess he brought that beautiful little Suri into the world to save it while in her Burberry frocks..however, she will not have learned anything about perseverance by staying up as late as “she wants”. Sad not scary, when someone with so much, is so “lost” and truly detached from “reality”. Positivity means jack, when you are that far gone.

  39. Lisa

    They are well match each other. He is very hot, she is very beautiful and sexy. It is said that they met on celeb Is it true?

  40. Katy

    What is he talking about??

  41. Xenu is not someting to joke about...

    Xenu face fucks L Ron Hubbard’s thetan every night. And L Ron LOVES it!

    Joke about that you scientologist pussy.

  42. Accolyte of Xenu

    141 you know what you say and do here sir. Are you aware that your thoughts can attract like aspects of the energies manifested in those primordial Thatanic urges laden in spirit. Please refrain from further invocations for your own good and for those around you. I would highly reccomend you visit one of our churches to cleanse these highly charged engrammatic cross-talkings. You are in danger sir.

  43. Xenu is my home boy...

    142 – ROTFLMAO! Are you for real? No, seriously, are you for fucking real? Do you really believe this shit? This is great!

    Xenu’s not going to come after me because Xenu is my home boy! In fact, I’m going to call him up right now and have him make a visit to YOUR house! That’s right bitch, Xenu is turning his DC-8 around to visit you RIGHT NOW. He’s going to bend you over and make you his personal BITCH. But since I’m a nice guy, I asked him to use lube. Though you should know that your pal L Ron never wanted lube. He took it from Xenu like a man!

    Uh oh! Am I in danger now? Ohhhh…I’m SOOO scared! How dare I mock bad science FICTION and the retards who treat it like fact.

    Shit, I would be in more danger if I made fun of Spock you asshat.

    Better go hide in your basement little man…XENU IS COMING!

  44. Scietologist bears a Torch...and the Light

    143 Sir, it is good that you have humor. You are going to need it one day. Some cry some ignore some laugh. That is your way to deal with stress. But it is not polite to ridicule the belief systems of others particularly when they are based on scientific fact and not fiction.
    It is easy…let’s try Freud or Christ of the president for that matter. Go ahead. But none of these rants disprove facts. Opinions are not facts. We are as a fact, thriving and helping others to become the best persons possible. Tom Cruise did a really fine job in his recruitment video and it was laid open as a joke.
    Change your ways. The time is coming sir.

  45. Bad Mother Fucker SP

    “143 Sir, it is good that you have humor. You are going to need it one day.”

    blah blah blah

    “Some cry some ignore some laugh. That is your way to deal with stress.”

    blah blah blah

    “But it is not polite to ridicule the belief systems of others particularly when they are based on scientific fact and not fiction.”

    Oh my…I…I just…I just pissed my pants man! That’s how hard I’m laughing! You actually believe that cult of scientology SHIT?!? Oh man…I’m…I’m CRYING I’m laughing so hard!!!

    So you think Xenu is fact? DC-8 spaceships? Aliens killed by nukes around Earth’s volcanoes? (Hmmm…where’s the leftover radiation signature?)

    Oh, and the best part, 136 billion people per planet, all of whom dressed and acted like modern humans. Science fact, or shitty science fiction by a fat bastard too lazy to flesh out a story? You decide!

    That fat bastard L Ron said that anyone who read OTIII and wasn’t prepared would DIE! But plenty of people read it, and laugh their asses off about it every day on the Internet. I thought your dear drug hazed leader was stating fact? Looks like fiction to me.

    What happened to the threats and warnings about bad energy or some shit? “You’re in danger sir.” Nothing bad has happened to me. Oh…looks like more fiction from the looney bin.

    “Opinions are not facts. We are as a fact, thriving and helping others to become the best persons possible. Tom Cruise did a really fine job in his recruitment video and it was laid open as a joke.”

    Because it IS a joke. That’s apparent to anyone not brain washed. I know you’re brain washed, but if you would survey some people who are not brain washed, you might start to realize how fucking stupid Tom looked.

    “Change your ways. The time is coming sir.”

    Suck my cock and I’ll ask Xenu to turn his DC-8 around and not go to your house to ass fuck you. The time is coming!

  46. Xenu, Lord of the Milky Way

    I AM XENU!

    I want every scientologist to know that for smearing my good name I will fuck you in the ass!


    The time is coming!!!

  47. Xenu, King of the Milky Way

    I am Xenu, and here I have revealed the truth for all to read!

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