Tom Cruise saved firefighters video quotes

January 18th, 2008 // 147 Comments

The media’s been buzzing this morning with reports of the Tom Cruise Scientology video that boasts how the actor came to the aid of New York City firefighters after 9/11. Since the intergalactic federation of Thetans has been suing every YouTube user in sight that hosts the supposedly stolen videos, here’s a rundown about what the church of Scientology recruitment video claims Tom did for firefighters, according to Page Six:

In the promotional tape, the star states, with a scary gleam in his eye: “A Scientologist is someone who can look at the world and really see what it is . . . and be effective and do something about it and someone who’s not asking permission to do that. Why ask permission? We are the authorities!”

Next, the video cuts to news footage of the devastation at Ground Zero as cheap action music plays and a cheesy narrator boasts: “And nothing says that better than the Mr. Cruise response [sic] to the wake-up call in the aftermath of 9/11 . . . If he takes a stand, it’s pedal to the metal till the finish line, as in helping New York firemen. He first saw the dust and heard the cough when descending to the ruins, where he bolstered morale among firemen. The devastation had spread an unprecedented combination of toxins through the air – and it was lethal.”

Cruise’s voice kicks back in: “The EPA came out and said the air was clean. Of course, as a Scientologist, you go, ‘That’s a lie, [an] out[right] lie . . .’ You know, you just go, ‘Liar. Fine.’ ”

The narrator then returns to brag how Cruise “personally saw to the establishment of a first New York-covered detox project. And, no, he did not ask permission.”

The article goes on to state the project was widely trashed by medical professionals and Mayor Michael Bloomberg. So I guess Tom Cruise’s detox center is apparently no more reputable than my “Boobie Inspection Center.” Which is surprising considering he had a state-of- the-art facility with exercise bikes and oxygen masks whereas I had my garage and a lab coat I bought at the thrift store. Though to be professional I wrote “Dr. Sexypants” on the chest pocket with magic marker.

NOTE: Gawker has a copy of the video here. If you haven’t seen any of these yet, they are hilarious. And by hilarious I mean Holy shit Tom Cruise is going to kill us all.

Photos: Getty Images
superficial

  1. steve

    proud scientologist…

    The right of all Americans to free expression, no matter how offensive that expression may seem to others, is the cornerstone of the liberties we as a nation hold as our highest principles . Nonetheless, I think we should fry that sick Tom Cruise bastard.

  2. Proud Scientologist

    I can always be emailed at batshitcrazy@yahoo.com

  3. Gats

    Doesn’t matter. The are facts he’ll never live down. Example: he signed up his fiance for “Buff Brides” fitness training for the wedding day, then had to get a GIRDLE sewn into his tux because his inner homo was freaking out and could only be silenced by gallons of Häagen-Dazs. It’s obvious what how he can be defeated if he tries to take over the world – just throw naked girls at him. He’ll scream like a bitch and go hide in the refrigerator (and he fits).

  4. Frank

    I would love to see Tom Cruise come over try to help and save Africa!! That could totally be made into a reality show! Shit I’d watch it – I don’t think he’d live through one episode though.

  5. hmm...

    like yesterday, #46 is likely a troll, enjoying a good laugh at all the responses.

  6. #39 – p0nk, the sad thing is, I actually enjoyed most of his movies. i just pretend he’s not TC. But I hadn’t heard of TV or movies until I was 33. DAMN YOU TIBETAN MONASTARIESI!!! I hear (ahem) Cock-tail had special resonance with him.

    Oh and TCLTC

  7. Kermit

    I totally figured this out: The only REAL Scientologist is Tom Cruise, while everyone else is doing it for the lulz, thinking the others are Scientologists for real.

  8. Dying Fetus, Daughter of Lust

    She squirms amidst the debris, jettisoned waste her cradle, a broken bottle her pillow. The defiance gleaming in her unformed eyes. She will try to live the life that was preceded by the wanton excesses of her predecessors. Pleasure without the regard of joy, merriment without happiness – the sins of lust. The unbaby little girl struggles to breathe the rancid fumes of decay, stinking elder roses and broken purfume bottles and worms and rats for siblings. Who will change her diaper? Alas, she is robed in unravelled tampons and an old toilet paper roll is lodged upon her head as a crown.
    A princess in a dumpster kingdom! Mighty castle walls of metal and lid open to infinity beneath the smog laden stars – barren worlds for Her Majesty’s domain. The unloved beauty of mother and father, prescient within the gloom of the truck that is to appear before her empire of waste. To take her away…

  9. mollymuff

    About the video link @ gawker…Reminds me exactly of Zoolander when Derek and Hansel are talking about their modeling career…except Tom Cruise isn’t funny…

  10. p0nk

    rich, I was the one in the monastery. you were just too busy boinking all the co-eds to have time for movies.

  11. D. Richards (Anti-Ron.)

    #46? That’s joke, right? If you were so proud, then how come you feel the need to defend yourself?

    And ‘mockery’?! You’re fucking right I enjoy mocking your dumbass ‘religion’. I mean, how absurd do you have to be in life to follow the the teachings of a science-fiction writer’s hysterical theory? You have to be pretty low-functioning.

    You actually said you have ‘faith’ in scientology? Whoa. Good for you.

    Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise..

  12. Ted from LA

    Is this “religion” responsible for the fact that his wife has two kneecaps in her left knee?

  13. Tommy Boy's left nut

    # 46 – I derive my pleasure in life via mockery and sarcasm of dumb asses, like yourself, who provide me with all the ammo I need to make me smile
    I thought the word “Scientology” was actually the study of some kind of Science at first. Now I recognize it for the Bat-Shit-Whack-0 cult it really is. When I saw Tommy Boy advertise for it, I knew all was not as face value made it seem. Scientology is a bigger scam than MEXIFORNIA – MEXAS – NEW(and old) MEXICO, combined !!!

  14. Johann

    #46 Get off my kool-aid muthafvcka!

  15. LL

    Scientologists (well, really all religious people, but we’re piling on the Scientologists this week) remind me of those assholes in high school and college (and there’s usually at least one in every workplace, too) who “know” the score and don’t trust the rest of us to do anything right, so they jump right out there and “fix” everything, whether it needs fixing or not (not that the NYC authorities had it all under control, either).

    Control freak religious nutjobs are not content to believe what they want, the rest of us have to fall in line, too, or it makes their little show look like what it is: a bunch of maladjusted, insecure children in grown-up bodies. If everyone else is as maladjusted and insecure as they are, they don’t stand out as much.

    Living with Tom Cruise must be a foretaste of hell for anyone unlucky enough to be trapped. Or weak-minded enough to think he’s anything like a visionary leader. He really should play Hitler in a movie. He seems enough like him, he’d probably be brilliant at it and win an Oscar.

    Scientology is like most other religions: nothing more than a cult of personality.

  16. #61 – Oh… that’s right… DAMN YOU WEED!!!

    #59 – That sounds delicious. Can I supersize that?

  17. Cindy

    Well put, #66. Scientology in particular is a cult of personality – L. Ron Hubbard, and now Tom Cruise. You’ve hit the nail right on the head, and your analysis is so perfect it make me want to…sing…

    Look into my eyes, what do you see?
    Cult of Personality
    I know your anger, I know your dreams
    I’ve been everything you want to be
    I’m the Cult of Personality
    Like Mussolini and Kennedy
    I’m the Cult of Personality
    Cult of Personality
    Cult of Personality

    Neon lights, A Nobel Price
    The mirror speaks, the reflection lies
    You don’t have to follow me
    Only you can set me free
    I sell the things you need to be
    I’m the smiling face on your T.V.
    I’m the Cult of Personality
    I exploit you still you love me

    I tell you one and one makes three
    I’m the Cult of Personality
    Like Joseph Stalin and Gandhi
    I’m the Cult of Personality
    Cult of Personality
    Cult of Personality

    Neon lights a Nobel Prize
    A leader speaks, that leader dies
    You don’t have to follow me
    Only you can set you free

    You gave me fortune
    You gave me fame
    You me power in your God’s name
    I’m every person you need to be
    I’m the Cult of …
    I’m the Cult of …
    I’m the Cult of…
    Personality

  18. YIKES

    i’m thinking the heels help pitch her forward. i bet Scarytology teaches this robot pose…remember Posh Spice tried it on for size before she and Becks’ app was rejected cuz he sounds too gay? L. Ron doesn’t mind if you’re in the closet, but he insists that you hide it.
    TCLTC!

  19. midge

    #46 – Maybe Scientology should invest in some grammar lessons for their (not there) members. That way, they wouldn’t sound so ignorant when defending themselves. I’m sure TC could afford to pay for them. By the way, it’s criticize.

  20. RAT

    tom cruise wears those shoes that make you 4 inches taller!
    He’s a pencil dick!

  21. God

    Dear Tom Cruise

    I hayt-choo!

    Love God

  22. I wonder if the L. Ron Hubbards will make Tommy Boy the Captain of the “Sea Org” when civilization comes to an end or will he have to wrestle Vinny Barbarino for that title.

    Funny how that video fails to mention the EXTREME MONETARY COSTS involved in becoming “Clear” and reaching the level of clarity that Cruise has…hmmmm.

  23. makemepuke

    #46

    In spite of your denial of reality, every intelligent person can see that Scientology is a devious totalitarian regime founded by a psychotic sociopath to control the masses and bleed millions from weak needy people like yourself. While I respect your right to exist and think and believe what you want, Scinetology is not education, its indoctrination and its courses teach people how not to think, the absolute converse of true education. Do you think we were all born yesterday? Wake up you silly space cadet.

  24. Auntie Kryst

    Fish more pictures of Katie Holmes instead of her with Tom Cruise. I don’t give a shit, the story can still be about her, just show her. Damn Katie is pretty. Oh yeah to the point of the thread, scientology is weird etc. etc. Also TCLLRH, he also sucks dick.

  25. Auntie Kryst

    “the story can still be about her” by “her” I mean him if I wasn’t drunk and could type better.

  26. sunshine

    If Tom is as sincere in his beliefs as he appears to be in this interview, he should not be afraid to air them publicly, he should be using this opportunity to spread the word to the next billion people and up his tote board total. This constant threat of lawsuits to those who dare to air this clip leave him suspect at best.

    I took one of the Scientology “Personality Tests” while a student at Arizona State University. They never identified themselves as a church or organization of any sort. After my test results were in, and they explained how I could move myself up their chart, I was asked how much money I had or I could get ahold of to purchase all the materials I needed to elevate myself. I didn’t have any money, I was a poor college student. Even at 18, I knew something stunk about this entire proposal and left their office, which was right across the street in a shopping center. At least the Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses identify themselves first when they knock on your door.

  27. L. Ron Is Dead

    L Ron Hubbard ….. failed at trying to be a “nuclear physicist” so he wrote his first book on the effects of radiation to humans.
    He was basically a fuck-up in life, and an author in the science FICTION and FANTASY genres in books. Nothing more – sorry to be the bearer of bad news #46
    Example:
    In WWII, they put him in charge of a submarine chaser. While taking it out on a shakedown cruise to San Diego, Hubbard attacked what he believed to be two Japanese submarines, ten miles off the coast of Oregon. The “battle” took TWO DAYS and L. Ron called in FOUR other US vessels plus two blimps for help ! After reviewing instrument data, battle reports, interviews with the various captains and taking into account the fact that Japanese submarines didn’t regularly operate there, an analysis of all reports cites that there was no submarine in the area. … S00000…..He then anchored the boat off Coronado Islands, in Mexican Territory, and had target practice. The Mexican Government raised hell with Washington. He disobeyed orders when told to return. He lost his command for that, and was put in a “non-authority” position.

    If you read his autobiography, you will understand Scientology as well as
    Tom Cruise – #46 – and the rest of this bastard cult.
    The list of ignoramus fuckups is 10 miles long. (as well as the list of pseudonym writers names to avoid being recognized) I mean come on …. I like to watch science FICTION as much as anyone else, but I don’t base my god damn life on it ! They were losers to begin with or they would’nt need a fuck-up of a science-FICTION writer to tell them what to do and how to act and what (Scientology) to spend their money on ……. Hmmm
    Kind of sounds like any other religon when you say it THAT way …. and just like real religons …. If a scientologist preaches to me, I’m going to enjoy streching his ass-hole up around his neck so it looks like a pink collar

  28. gotmilk?

    nice video, what is that mother fucker even talking about?? he acts like he’s out saving the world. this guy is in need of a serious ego check.

  29. Matthew

    freeeeeeeee Katie and TCLTC

  30. D. Richards

    #59? Are you mocking (s)cientology? You bitch!

  31. BunnyButt

    #46, Yes, we have, but it didn’t lead us to Scientology…

  32. G

    Anyone watched the training videos? They involve two people staring at each other for hours without fidgeting or moving.

    TCLTC

  33. toolboy

    #78 – well said.
    “We are slowly and carefully teaching the unholy a lesson. It is as follows: We are not a law enforcement agency. BUT we will become interested in the crimes of people who seek to stop us. If you oppose Scientology we promptly look up – and find and expose – your crimes. If you leave us alone we will leave you alone.
    It’s very simple. Even a fool can grasp that.
    And don’t underrate our ability to carry it out.”
    – L. Ron Hubbard

    The more I read about LRH, the more I think he might be Britney’s dada.

  34. mamadough

    i hope some Tom is taken out really soon by some crazy shit like “pink eye.” Death by pink eye seems suitable for him. im tired of his crazy-ass ranting and forcing his cult shit on people who are too fucking stupid to think for themselves. he’s targeting the dumb people to gain numbers and eventually have some uprising. i hope the government has a file on these nutty assholes. too bad they don’t go out swinging heaven’s gate style.

    p.s. i think a cult based on how fucking awesome Spock was would give Scientology a run for its money. Spockology. i’d love to see them argue how ridiculous that shit is.

  35. woodhorse

    Of course he didn’t ask permission. He and Mr. Phil don’t need permission to be mistaken. Did you ask permission the last time you were ignorant and proud of it? Did you ask permission the last time you stuck both feet in your mouth? No. And they are way better at being a menace than you are.

  36. woodhorse

    @11 I saw you in Monty Python and The Holy Grail years ago. You were pretty good until John Cleese threw you out of the tower.

  37. whatever

    You have to give Trekkies credit. As fucked up as they are, they never actually turned Star Trek into a religion and worshiped William Shatner.

  38. whatever

    Hey Tom Asshat, why don’t you go to Africa and create a “new and better reality”? Huh? Why don’t you go use your powers to free the people in North Korea? You know you’re the only one who can help. Don’t ask permission, go fucking do it asshole!

    Poll: what do you think the average IQ is of members of this fucking cult? I’m guessing -12. Anybody else?

  39. KickRocks

    Tom 4 Prez!!!

  40. no1justminda

    It looks like she’s slouching back so she doesn’t look 10 feet taller than him

  41. Proud Scientologist

    Funny thing is all you people ever talk about is YOUR version of reality and the lies told about Lord Hubbard. He was as great a man as your Jesus and his religion is GROWING!!! :) :) :)
    I am soooooo proud to be a part of these exciting times and offer all of you the chance for a free screening!!!
    Let me know if you are interested and what part of the country you live and I can set it up for you!!!
    Don’t be mislead by naysayers, Scientology is THE answer for our troubled times!!!!!!
    OH by the way, Mr. Cruise is nothing short of a hero!!!!!!

  42. Anonymous

    Proud Scientologist,

    Have you spoken to the aliens yet?

  43. Ript1&0

    God, I fucking HATE that bitch.

    No reason.

  44. BunnyButt

    #88, but they do worship Mr. Spock

  45. BunnyButt

    Oops, need to tip my hat to #85. Hadn’t worked my way back to your comment, and you brought up The Vulcanizer first.

  46. mamadough

    :) i would love to see a war of the scientologists vs. the trekkies. my money on the trekkies. they outnumber the scientologists what… 30 to 1?

    random thought. you know our country needs and hasn’t had for a while? a good old fashioned serial killer. a serial killer with a need for scientologists. give that slasher the medal of honor for ridding us of our crab infestation known as scientology.

  47. Crusty

    I personally think it’s great that Tom Cruise is trying to help the world. I respect celebrities who use their celebrity for good and Tom is definitely doing that by…well…okay maybe he doesn’t do it like the Angelina’s and Bono’s of this world. Raising millions for charity? Giving away his own millions to the needy? Cliche!! Adopting needy children? Come on! So last year!

    No, Tom knows what the world really needs! Terrible movies! Yay!! Tom’s contribution to society, for all his insane talk of “helping people” (because he says Scientologists are the only ones who can!) has been some sh*tacular movies… and yah… that’s about it. Oh yeah. He’s saving the world one crap movie at a time. Thanks Scientology. Dying children in Africa thank you for your contribution. Idiot.

  48. Donovin

    Best line of the month….

    “Holy shit Tom Cruise is going to kill us all.”

    LOL LOL LOL

  49. !00

    !00 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

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