The media’s been buzzing this morning with reports of the Tom Cruise Scientology video that boasts how the actor came to the aid of New York City firefighters after 9/11. Since the intergalactic federation of Thetans has been suing every YouTube user in sight that hosts the supposedly stolen videos, here’s a rundown about what the church of Scientology recruitment video claims Tom did for firefighters, according to Page Six:
In the promotional tape, the star states, with a scary gleam in his eye: “A Scientologist is someone who can look at the world and really see what it is . . . and be effective and do something about it and someone who’s not asking permission to do that. Why ask permission? We are the authorities!”
Next, the video cuts to news footage of the devastation at Ground Zero as cheap action music plays and a cheesy narrator boasts: “And nothing says that better than the Mr. Cruise response [sic] to the wake-up call in the aftermath of 9/11 . . . If he takes a stand, it’s pedal to the metal till the finish line, as in helping New York firemen. He first saw the dust and heard the cough when descending to the ruins, where he bolstered morale among firemen. The devastation had spread an unprecedented combination of toxins through the air – and it was lethal.”
Cruise’s voice kicks back in: “The EPA came out and said the air was clean. Of course, as a Scientologist, you go, ‘That’s a lie, [an] out[right] lie . . .’ You know, you just go, ‘Liar. Fine.’ ”
The narrator then returns to brag how Cruise “personally saw to the establishment of a first New York-covered detox project. And, no, he did not ask permission.”
The article goes on to state the project was widely trashed by medical professionals and Mayor Michael Bloomberg. So I guess Tom Cruise’s detox center is apparently no more reputable than my “Boobie Inspection Center.” Which is surprising considering he had a state-of- the-art facility with exercise bikes and oxygen masks whereas I had my garage and a lab coat I bought at the thrift store. Though to be professional I wrote “Dr. Sexypants” on the chest pocket with magic marker.
NOTE: Gawker has a copy of the video here. If you haven’t seen any of these yet, they are hilarious. And by hilarious I mean Holy shit Tom Cruise is going to kill us all.
pointandlaugh | January 18, 2008 at 11:46 am
FIRST!!!!
pointandlaugh | January 18, 2008 at 11:47 am
FIRST!!!!
pointandyawn | January 18, 2008 at 11:49 am
I guess Fish is doing some slow warmup exercises this morning, by rehashing some of yesterday’s stuff. I’m sure when he’s good and limber, he’ll post a genuinely new story.
MMB | January 18, 2008 at 11:49 am
He’s flippin crazy.
PoohEater | January 18, 2008 at 11:50 am
She is looking very doable here.
send noodz | January 18, 2008 at 11:50 am
Was he even a Scientologist then? Was he even there? I would love for someone to prove that he wasnt even in NY when this happened.
Zane | January 18, 2008 at 11:51 am
Can somebody cut and paste the comments from yesterday’s thread on this? I don’t want to bother to click and scroll.
Clem | January 18, 2008 at 11:57 am
Yea he’s a bit of a nut, and like any religion based purely on beliefs upheald by zero evidence but he’s a positive guy – and what’s wrong with that? If he wants to help someone and he’s equipped to do so then more power to him.
Giggles | January 18, 2008 at 11:58 am
Tom lost me at “Matt, you are glib.”
Anonymous | January 18, 2008 at 11:58 am
Tom Cruise is a piece of shit and so are all Scientologists. It’s a brainwashing cult that steals people’s money. It should be outlawed. They are nothing but a bunch of freaks.
I love how his robot wife scrunches down so she won’t look so much taller than her insane husband.
Vencia | January 18, 2008 at 11:59 am
Good point – was Cruise even in NY? Where was he, on 9/11? For that matter, where were any of us? Makes you think, doesn’t it? Almost makes you want to…sing…
Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day
Out in the yard with your wife and children
Working on some stage in LA
Did you stand there in shock at the site of
That black smoke rising against that blue sky
Did you shout out in anger
In fear for your neighbor
Or did you just sit down and cry
Did you weep for the children
Who lost their dear loved ones
And pray for the ones who don’t know
Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble
And sob for the ones left below
Did you burst out in pride
For the red white and blue
The heroes who died just doing what they do
Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer
And look at yourself to what really matters
I’m just a singer of simple songs
I’m not a real political man
I watch CNN but I’m not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
And the greatest is love
Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day
Teaching a class full of innocent children
Driving down some cold interstate
Did you feel guilty cause you’re a survivor
In a crowded room did you feel alone
Did you call up your mother and tell her you love her
Did you dust off that bible at home
Did you open your eyes and hope it never happened
Close your eyes and not go to sleep
Did you notice the sunset the first time in ages
Speak with some stranger on the street
Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow
Go out and buy you a gun
Did you turn off that violent old movie you’re watching
And turn on “I Love Lucy” reruns
Did you go to a church and hold hands with some stranger
Stand in line and give your own blood
Did you just stay home and cling tight to your family
Thank God you had somebody to love
I’m just a singer of simple songs
I’m not a real political man
I watch CNN but I’m not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
And the greatest is love
I’m just a singer of simple songs
I’m not a real political man
I watch CNN but I’m not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
And the greatest is love
The greatest is love
The greatest is love
Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day
howsitfeel@youreadopted.com | January 18, 2008 at 11:59 am
FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my comment | January 18, 2008 at 12:02 pm
11- use your inside voice please.
Shallow Val | January 18, 2008 at 12:06 pm
So I just had some sushi and although it was yummy, it wasn’t that satisfying. I could use a few more pieces. The top of the fish was decorated with three kinds of fish roe: red, orange (really tiny) and black.
I love how the little fish eggs explode in my mouth. They weren’t too salty either. Mmmmm, sushi and sashimi. That’s the reason I could never really go full vegetarian.
Oh, and I haven’t been able to watch Top Gun since I was 22 years old. I just hate that overacting hack, Tom Cruise. Oh and Kelly McGilis is so ugly, n’est pas?
The Office Whore | January 18, 2008 at 12:08 pm
@10- Yeah, but somehow, she manages to bend FORWARD at the waist..
Terrible dress..
FREE Joey Potter!!!!!!
D. Richards (Believer.) | January 18, 2008 at 12:11 pm
You fools, everything Tom Cruise says is truth. Tom is Lord; Tom is Jesus Christ. Watch! And learn.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=48_twUMgDkg
lg | January 18, 2008 at 12:13 pm
I’m surprised he lets her wear heels in public appearances together.
Gorilla Butthole | January 18, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Too bad Tom isn’t a rhesus monkey used for testing chemical inflammation somewhere.
Brasilmagic | January 18, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Katie is opening her legs wide so she can look shorter-it sucks having a shorter man, I know…And I am sure he is wearing elevator shoes.
Now, she looks very pretty with that new 20′s hairstyle, compliments her pretty face, but, even though she is very slim now, she has thick legs. Heavy legs that won’t go away even if she loses 20 lbs.
Shallow Val | January 18, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Hey, Richard Richards, how, ya doin? Wanna laugh, I was thinking of your name (Dick Richards) while on the PATH this morning and had to bite my lip to keep from laughint in front of all the commuters.
Funny the thoughts that pop into my head. I’m as crazy as Cruise. BTW, it’s fucking gorgeous outside. Anyone in the NY NJ vicinity, go outside, please.
veggi | January 18, 2008 at 12:16 pm
14- yuck Val!!
RichPort | January 18, 2008 at 12:16 pm
I apid to see The Last Samurai, and was disappointed that he wasn’t decapitated in the film.
TCLTC
yehoo | January 18, 2008 at 12:16 pm
HAR! I like that idea gorilla butthole. Let’s strap him to a table, drill a hole in his skull, insert electrical probes into his cerebral cortex to monitor pain responses, sew his anus shut, cut his left eyelid off with shears, seal his tear ducts with a cauterizing iron, and inject a concentrated mixture of cadmium chlorate directly into his exposed eyeball.”
Hank | January 18, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Gotta give it up for Gawker. Used to be great, then everybody left (sound familiar?), but at least they’re giving a big “fuck you” to TC and the crazies about pulling this stuff off their site.
veggi | January 18, 2008 at 12:19 pm
23- yuck yehoo!!
fearsarewishes | January 18, 2008 at 12:20 pm
#8
Clem, please go fuch yourself.
Thank you.
norton | January 18, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Not one but several screws loose. Maybe we should rename him Tom Screwloose.
Self obsessed, aggrandizing egomaniac.
Mike | January 18, 2008 at 12:20 pm
To read how Tom got so deep into Scientology go to http://www.WhyFame.com
fearsarewishes | January 18, 2008 at 12:21 pm
#8
Clem, please go fuck yourself.
Thank you.
fearsarewishes | January 18, 2008 at 12:21 pm
#8
Clem, please go fuck yourself.
Thank you.
steve | January 18, 2008 at 12:23 pm
let us mourn the happy Katie that was:
http://img34.imagevenue.com/img.php?image=44523_katie_holmes108_122_376lo.jpg
RIP.
D. Richards (Slut.) | January 18, 2008 at 12:25 pm
#23. That’s fantastical and all, but, why do we sew his ass shut?
That’s your job, knitting his rectum closed. And you can’t wear gloves.
fearsarewishes | January 18, 2008 at 12:25 pm
#8
Clem, just in case you missed it, please refer to posts 29 and 30.
Thank you.
yehoo | January 18, 2008 at 12:27 pm
we sew his anus shut because it’s so reamed out that we prefer to keep our lab floor poop free.
D. Richards | January 18, 2008 at 12:28 pm
#20. Yeah, Val, Dick Dicks. Two for the price of one! Oh, yeah. Ha!
Shallow Val | January 18, 2008 at 12:28 pm
veggiiiiii – you don-nah likea the sushi?
Shallow Val | January 18, 2008 at 12:30 pm
35 – (laughing very, very hard but silently so as not to disturb the other workers)
Iggy | January 18, 2008 at 12:34 pm
She bends forward at the waist because every night Tom hammers her in the butt, after hanging the picture of Clay Aiken on the headboard.
p0nk | January 18, 2008 at 12:43 pm
#22, i’ve been pretty much disappointed in every film that he isn’t decapitated, Risky Business, Cocktail, Color Of Money … did he ever do a film where he isn’t a self-aggrandizing asshole?
TCLTC
Nipolina | January 18, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Start with Napoleon complex. Add a learning disability (although he seems more generally retarded at times), and ADD. Mix it all together with the projected anger of a self-hating repressed homosexual. Ta-da: Tom Cruise.
Xenu is Watching | January 18, 2008 at 12:44 pm
You are all a disgrace to Teegeeack. We have your email addresses. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.
Katie | January 18, 2008 at 12:46 pm
LOL Iggy. And notice how she has to stand there with her legs spread out. I thought it was just because she is wanting to look shorter than him. I think it’s because she’s hurting from all that hot bum sex.
commish | January 18, 2008 at 12:48 pm
I watched those videos and I get it. I have my first “Purification Rundown” appointment right after lunch.
*stands up, throws on cape*
Gerhardt | January 18, 2008 at 12:48 pm
TOP GUN FOREVER!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHklGtW3rwU
missywissy | January 18, 2008 at 12:50 pm
That was some craziness… Is he being investigated by any chance??? Because he kind of scares me. He’s like a radical muslim “either you’re on board or you’re not”. So what about us that aren’t??? That is scary. Do scientologists even worship anyone?? Just wondering.
Proud Scientologist | January 18, 2008 at 12:52 pm
I take it none of you have spent the many years that I have in the pursuit of alternate wisdom that I have. I have been a scientologist now for 18 years and met my mate/wife their. We have raised our 6 children in strict accordance to the principles of our faith. Unless you truly now what you are talking about it why say anything at all unless you derive pleasure from mockery?
Our church is not what you think it to be and Mr. Cruise is regarded in a most high esteem by us. It would be appreciated if you could find something more productive to do with your spare time then criticise things that you are not educated about.
Thank you, respectfully
Men In Black | January 18, 2008 at 12:55 pm
# 11 – No …. it does’nt make me wanna sing at all. Don’t you haved a web site of some sort to post that crap on?
This is just another story about a “Batshit-Whack-0″ Hollyweird celeb acting batshit whack-0.
Where’s the story?
commish | January 18, 2008 at 1:00 pm
#46
Stop “Operating Thetan” and reread your post. You should have chosen the other “alternate wisdom”; higher education.
*throws cape on floor*
The Office Whore | January 18, 2008 at 1:02 pm
46- their, they’re, there.
how can people STILL make that mistake?
commish | January 18, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Before you pack up your bag o’ crazy and leave, #46, can I have your fancy OT bracelet?
*eyes glazed over*
It’s . . . so . . . shiny . . . so . . . pretty . . .