Tom Cruise saved firefighters video quotes

January 18th, 2008 // 147 Comments

The media’s been buzzing this morning with reports of the Tom Cruise Scientology video that boasts how the actor came to the aid of New York City firefighters after 9/11. Since the intergalactic federation of Thetans has been suing every YouTube user in sight that hosts the supposedly stolen videos, here’s a rundown about what the church of Scientology recruitment video claims Tom did for firefighters, according to Page Six:

In the promotional tape, the star states, with a scary gleam in his eye: “A Scientologist is someone who can look at the world and really see what it is . . . and be effective and do something about it and someone who’s not asking permission to do that. Why ask permission? We are the authorities!”

Next, the video cuts to news footage of the devastation at Ground Zero as cheap action music plays and a cheesy narrator boasts: “And nothing says that better than the Mr. Cruise response [sic] to the wake-up call in the aftermath of 9/11 . . . If he takes a stand, it’s pedal to the metal till the finish line, as in helping New York firemen. He first saw the dust and heard the cough when descending to the ruins, where he bolstered morale among firemen. The devastation had spread an unprecedented combination of toxins through the air – and it was lethal.”

Cruise’s voice kicks back in: “The EPA came out and said the air was clean. Of course, as a Scientologist, you go, ‘That’s a lie, [an] out[right] lie . . .’ You know, you just go, ‘Liar. Fine.’ ”

The narrator then returns to brag how Cruise “personally saw to the establishment of a first New York-covered detox project. And, no, he did not ask permission.”

The article goes on to state the project was widely trashed by medical professionals and Mayor Michael Bloomberg. So I guess Tom Cruise’s detox center is apparently no more reputable than my “Boobie Inspection Center.” Which is surprising considering he had a state-of- the-art facility with exercise bikes and oxygen masks whereas I had my garage and a lab coat I bought at the thrift store. Though to be professional I wrote “Dr. Sexypants” on the chest pocket with magic marker.

NOTE: Gawker has a copy of the video here. If you haven’t seen any of these yet, they are hilarious. And by hilarious I mean Holy shit Tom Cruise is going to kill us all.

Photos: Getty Images
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  1. pointandlaugh

    FIRST!!!!

  2. pointandlaugh

    FIRST!!!!

  3. pointandyawn

    I guess Fish is doing some slow warmup exercises this morning, by rehashing some of yesterday’s stuff. I’m sure when he’s good and limber, he’ll post a genuinely new story.

  4. MMB

    He’s flippin crazy.

  5. PoohEater

    She is looking very doable here.

  6. Was he even a Scientologist then? Was he even there? I would love for someone to prove that he wasnt even in NY when this happened.

  7. Zane

    Can somebody cut and paste the comments from yesterday’s thread on this? I don’t want to bother to click and scroll.

  8. Clem

    Yea he’s a bit of a nut, and like any religion based purely on beliefs upheald by zero evidence but he’s a positive guy – and what’s wrong with that? If he wants to help someone and he’s equipped to do so then more power to him.

  9. Tom lost me at “Matt, you are glib.”

  10. Anonymous

    Tom Cruise is a piece of shit and so are all Scientologists. It’s a brainwashing cult that steals people’s money. It should be outlawed. They are nothing but a bunch of freaks.

    I love how his robot wife scrunches down so she won’t look so much taller than her insane husband.

  11. Vencia

    Good point – was Cruise even in NY? Where was he, on 9/11? For that matter, where were any of us? Makes you think, doesn’t it? Almost makes you want to…sing…

    Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day
    Out in the yard with your wife and children
    Working on some stage in LA
    Did you stand there in shock at the site of
    That black smoke rising against that blue sky
    Did you shout out in anger
    In fear for your neighbor
    Or did you just sit down and cry

    Did you weep for the children
    Who lost their dear loved ones
    And pray for the ones who don’t know
    Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble
    And sob for the ones left below

    Did you burst out in pride
    For the red white and blue
    The heroes who died just doing what they do
    Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer
    And look at yourself to what really matters

    I’m just a singer of simple songs
    I’m not a real political man
    I watch CNN but I’m not sure I can tell you
    The difference in Iraq and Iran
    But I know Jesus and I talk to God
    And I remember this from when I was young
    Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
    And the greatest is love

    Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day
    Teaching a class full of innocent children
    Driving down some cold interstate
    Did you feel guilty cause you’re a survivor
    In a crowded room did you feel alone
    Did you call up your mother and tell her you love her
    Did you dust off that bible at home
    Did you open your eyes and hope it never happened
    Close your eyes and not go to sleep
    Did you notice the sunset the first time in ages
    Speak with some stranger on the street
    Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow
    Go out and buy you a gun
    Did you turn off that violent old movie you’re watching
    And turn on “I Love Lucy” reruns
    Did you go to a church and hold hands with some stranger
    Stand in line and give your own blood
    Did you just stay home and cling tight to your family
    Thank God you had somebody to love

    I’m just a singer of simple songs
    I’m not a real political man
    I watch CNN but I’m not sure I can tell you
    The difference in Iraq and Iran
    But I know Jesus and I talk to God
    And I remember this from when I was young
    Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
    And the greatest is love

    I’m just a singer of simple songs
    I’m not a real political man
    I watch CNN but I’m not sure I can tell you
    The difference in Iraq and Iran
    But I know Jesus and I talk to God
    And I remember this from when I was young
    Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
    And the greatest is love

    The greatest is love
    The greatest is love

    Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day

  12. howsitfeel@youreadopted.com

    FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  13. my comment

    11- use your inside voice please.

  14. Shallow Val

    So I just had some sushi and although it was yummy, it wasn’t that satisfying. I could use a few more pieces. The top of the fish was decorated with three kinds of fish roe: red, orange (really tiny) and black.

    I love how the little fish eggs explode in my mouth. They weren’t too salty either. Mmmmm, sushi and sashimi. That’s the reason I could never really go full vegetarian.

    Oh, and I haven’t been able to watch Top Gun since I was 22 years old. I just hate that overacting hack, Tom Cruise. Oh and Kelly McGilis is so ugly, n’est pas?

  15. The Office Whore

    @10- Yeah, but somehow, she manages to bend FORWARD at the waist..

    Terrible dress..

    FREE Joey Potter!!!!!!

  16. D. Richards (Believer.)

    You fools, everything Tom Cruise says is truth. Tom is Lord; Tom is Jesus Christ. Watch! And learn.

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=48_twUMgDkg

  17. lg

    I’m surprised he lets her wear heels in public appearances together.

  18. Gorilla Butthole

    Too bad Tom isn’t a rhesus monkey used for testing chemical inflammation somewhere.

  19. Brasilmagic

    Katie is opening her legs wide so she can look shorter-it sucks having a shorter man, I know…And I am sure he is wearing elevator shoes.

    Now, she looks very pretty with that new 20′s hairstyle, compliments her pretty face, but, even though she is very slim now, she has thick legs. Heavy legs that won’t go away even if she loses 20 lbs.

  20. Shallow Val

    Hey, Richard Richards, how, ya doin? Wanna laugh, I was thinking of your name (Dick Richards) while on the PATH this morning and had to bite my lip to keep from laughint in front of all the commuters.

    Funny the thoughts that pop into my head. I’m as crazy as Cruise. BTW, it’s fucking gorgeous outside. Anyone in the NY NJ vicinity, go outside, please.

  21. veggi

    14- yuck Val!!

  22. I apid to see The Last Samurai, and was disappointed that he wasn’t decapitated in the film.

    TCLTC

  23. yehoo

    HAR! I like that idea gorilla butthole. Let’s strap him to a table, drill a hole in his skull, insert electrical probes into his cerebral cortex to monitor pain responses, sew his anus shut, cut his left eyelid off with shears, seal his tear ducts with a cauterizing iron, and inject a concentrated mixture of cadmium chlorate directly into his exposed eyeball.”

  24. Hank

    Gotta give it up for Gawker. Used to be great, then everybody left (sound familiar?), but at least they’re giving a big “fuck you” to TC and the crazies about pulling this stuff off their site.

  25. veggi

    23- yuck yehoo!!

  26. fearsarewishes

    #8

    Clem, please go fuch yourself.

    Thank you.

  27. norton

    Not one but several screws loose. Maybe we should rename him Tom Screwloose.

    Self obsessed, aggrandizing egomaniac.

  28. Mike

    To read how Tom got so deep into Scientology go to http://www.WhyFame.com

  29. fearsarewishes

    #8

    Clem, please go fuck yourself.

    Thank you.

  30. fearsarewishes

    #8

    Clem, please go fuck yourself.

    Thank you.

  31. D. Richards (Slut.)

    #23. That’s fantastical and all, but, why do we sew his ass shut?

    That’s your job, knitting his rectum closed. And you can’t wear gloves.

  32. fearsarewishes

    #8

    Clem, just in case you missed it, please refer to posts 29 and 30.

    Thank you.

  33. yehoo

    we sew his anus shut because it’s so reamed out that we prefer to keep our lab floor poop free.

  34. D. Richards

    #20. Yeah, Val, Dick Dicks. Two for the price of one! Oh, yeah. Ha!

  35. Shallow Val

    veggiiiiii – you don-nah likea the sushi?

  36. Shallow Val

    35 – (laughing very, very hard but silently so as not to disturb the other workers)

  37. Iggy

    She bends forward at the waist because every night Tom hammers her in the butt, after hanging the picture of Clay Aiken on the headboard.

  38. p0nk

    #22, i’ve been pretty much disappointed in every film that he isn’t decapitated, Risky Business, Cocktail, Color Of Money … did he ever do a film where he isn’t a self-aggrandizing asshole?

    TCLTC

  39. Nipolina

    Start with Napoleon complex. Add a learning disability (although he seems more generally retarded at times), and ADD. Mix it all together with the projected anger of a self-hating repressed homosexual. Ta-da: Tom Cruise.

  40. Xenu is Watching

    You are all a disgrace to Teegeeack. We have your email addresses. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

  41. Katie

    LOL Iggy. And notice how she has to stand there with her legs spread out. I thought it was just because she is wanting to look shorter than him. I think it’s because she’s hurting from all that hot bum sex.

  42. commish

    I watched those videos and I get it. I have my first “Purification Rundown” appointment right after lunch.

    *stands up, throws on cape*

  43. missywissy

    That was some craziness… Is he being investigated by any chance??? Because he kind of scares me. He’s like a radical muslim “either you’re on board or you’re not”. So what about us that aren’t??? That is scary. Do scientologists even worship anyone?? Just wondering.

  44. Proud Scientologist

    I take it none of you have spent the many years that I have in the pursuit of alternate wisdom that I have. I have been a scientologist now for 18 years and met my mate/wife their. We have raised our 6 children in strict accordance to the principles of our faith. Unless you truly now what you are talking about it why say anything at all unless you derive pleasure from mockery?
    Our church is not what you think it to be and Mr. Cruise is regarded in a most high esteem by us. It would be appreciated if you could find something more productive to do with your spare time then criticise things that you are not educated about.
    Thank you, respectfully

  45. Men In Black

    # 11 – No …. it does’nt make me wanna sing at all. Don’t you haved a web site of some sort to post that crap on?

    This is just another story about a “Batshit-Whack-0″ Hollyweird celeb acting batshit whack-0.
    Where’s the story?

  46. commish

    #46

    Stop “Operating Thetan” and reread your post. You should have chosen the other “alternate wisdom”; higher education.

    *throws cape on floor*

  47. The Office Whore

    46- their, they’re, there.

    how can people STILL make that mistake?

  48. commish

    Before you pack up your bag o’ crazy and leave, #46, can I have your fancy OT bracelet?

    *eyes glazed over*

    It’s . . . so . . . shiny . . . so . . . pretty . . .

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