Tom Cruise needs a lift

May 8th, 2006 // 104 Comments

cruise-wears-lifts.jpgReports are going around that Tom Cruise has started wearing lifts in his shoes so as not to appear so much shorter than Katie Holmes. He’s 5’7″ and Katie is between 5’8″ and 5’9″, but when they walked the red carpet for the premiere of Mission: Impossible III they were the same height, and Katie was wearing three inch heels.

Cruise’s spokesman, Paul Bloch, insisted that nothing was out of the ordinary: “He had normal shoes on.”

After viewing photos of TomKat at the L.A. opening, where their knees were at the same level and Cruise’s trousers were pooling around his ankles, Manhattan podiatrist Rock Positano said: “If the pants are all the way down to the ankle, you really can’t see how much heel the person has. There’s a lot of ways you can camouflage lifts,” said Positano. “Occasionally we will see people who put lifts in their shoes for height, but we don’t do it and we don’t recommend it. Someone could hurt their knees or throw their backs out.”

Considering how insane he is, I guess we should just be glad Tom Cruise isn’t running around on stilts.



  1. Tom

    First first!

  2. Tom

    (Wow! That was my first post and I was first!)

    Anyway, anybody seen that video of him trying to dance with a load of rappers?

  3. Sodomy_is_for_Girls


  4. meat-tulip

    What’s next, a fucking pogo stick?

  5. ellaminnowpea

    we already know he has ‘little man’s syndrome’….lifts or no lifts…he’s still a small man…..actually he’s looking rather ‘petite’ and ‘metro’ lately….

  6. meat-tulip

    She loooks like a burnt tortilla in that wrap-around dress.

  7. Tom

    I found the video. I feel silly now.

    Give it time and he’ll get these:

  8. diedl

    He’s such a little Napoleon. If only we could exile him to Elba as well . . .what a wonderful world it really would be.

  9. diedl

    btw, did it strike anyone else that Katie looks a lot like Catherine Zeta Jones in that pic above?

  10. Sodomy_is_for_Girls

    Now, why would you do that to the people of Elba?
    Italian or not, they’re people, too, you know.

  11. Italian Stallion

    Shouldn’t he be in a tree somewhere making cookies with the rest of the scientology elves, or at the horse track hanging out with family……..

  12. Hara

    mmm. Go ahead. Throw your back out Tom!

  13. Sodomy_is_for_Girls

    Seriously, what the fuck is she wearing?
    Whatever happened to the little girl I fantasized about being the English teacher for?

  14. ellaminnowpea

    ‘props to the peeps who shunned MI:3′
    the people have spoken — they’re done with this lunatic — he needs to go drink lots of purple kool-aid!

  15. krisdylee

    He should get those really cool lifts that have goldfish in the heels. If he did that, I would hate him a little less.

  16. krisdylee


    Tom Cruise loves creamy cock juice…

  17. maryaries

    At the end of M:I:3 (advance screening, no vitamin money from me!), you can see Tom wearing lifts in the scene where he’s walking on the bridge. So obvious and made me laugh out loud.

  18. Italian Stallion

    @14 I went to see MI3 this weekend and threw up like five times, not really from the movie but all the dudes in scientology shirts blowing each other in the theater. It’s a weird little cult they got going on there, and their leader Tom……He loves the cock too………

  19. ellaminnowpea

    you’re forgiven, Stallion….only because there was real entertainment going on IN the theater….

  20. delicious_dysfunktion

    We may have won the battle but we lost the war,people are still going to see it and line the pockets this sociopath so he can have his daily baths in cock-milk to retain his youthful glow.


  21. Libraesque

    krisdylee, I heard he bought Prince’s goldfish-heel-platforms off e-bay, but he only wears them when he fucks Chad Slater the porn star. Give Katie a few weeks, she’ll wonder out for coffee with them on, when he takes his next trip to Europe

  22. CruisingForCock

    I’m actually amazed that he hasn’t forbidden her from wearing heels at all.

  23. HollyJ

    SWF seeking
    closeted gay
    high school dropout
    cult fanatic
    control freak
    with no dancing ability
    in high heels

  24. Grphdesi23

    Tom Loves The Cock

    soooo much so that he is eventually going to ask doctors to attach a prosthetic penis to his back so that he can systematically insert it into his manhole every chance he gets!

  25. Tom Cruise = Cult Puppet

    I know this gay dude at work named Francisco who said he banged TC and was surprised how TC shrunk 2 – 3 inches after he took off his shoes. Fran says he’s a bear and TC loves bears so that just proves TC’s indiscriminate love of the cock in all its glorious shapes and sizes.

  26. tsarinaamanda


    LOL, SOM! That’s fucking hysterical, I’m sure there are many, many more guys out there that could claim the same thing, you know, fucking TC, after all, TCLTC. The important question is, who was pitching and who was catching?

  27. Jacq

    The doctor doesn’t see anything wrong with running around with a dick in his ass?
    He needs shoes like the ones Pee Wee wore during the tequila dance. They would be less obvious even though they were glaringly white. Plus, it would give him an excuse to dance around and point at his penis. Micropenis.

  28. tsarinaamanda

    Oh, I just realized something. “TCLTC” could ALSO mean “The Cock Loves Tom Cruise”. Isn’t that sad that I just thought of this?

  29. Jacq

    #26 – Pitch-n-catch isn’t nearly as important as the reach-around.

  30. Italian Stallion

    @19 for the record I would never go see that fucking movie, I won’t even watch that TURD FISHERMAN when it’s free on regular tv………..

  31. ellaminnowpea

    what happened to the old days when you didn’t dump your ‘newborn’ (I’m sure it’s 4 months old already-but I’m trying to go with the flow) and trot around town? WHO does that? Who CAN leave a ‘newborn’ when you’re nursing? Remember when it was all ‘traumatic’ because you were leaving your baby for the first time? Apparently they just don’t give a shit….you KNOW that kid is teething already….you KNOW IT!!

  32. ellaminnowpea

    Oh! I KNEW you were a good man, Stallion!!

  33. what a moron! wouldn’t it be easier for katie to not wear ANY heals, and just have flats on?

  34. redsonja1313

    #6 OMG too funny !!! My favorite Tom Cruise game, guess what way they hide his shortness on film !!! If you watch in places in War of the Worlds he comes up to Tim Robbins nipple. Now if he could just rest a beer on his head he would truly be the gay man his lifts hope to aspire to be !!!

  35. sweetcheeks

    “Lifts” my ass — more like “high heels for men.”

    After he dons his “high-heels-for-men,” he always swipes on some super-thickening mascara-for-men, adjusts his pale pink body-by-victoria-for-men bra, then lovingly coifs his curly, auburn Jessica-Simpson-hairpieces-for-men into a stunning updo.

    He then makes Katie watch as he masturbates in front of a mirror (while singing “I Feel Pretty” from West Side Story).

  36. ellaminnowpea

    hmmmm….boxers? briefs? thong? or boy-cut panties????

  37. suzy

    he’s always been short… remember him next to nicole kidman?

  38. colormeskanky

    Knowing Tom, he probably had Katie’s legs surgically shortened.

  39. BigJim

    Napolean died of syphilis. Maybe if we’re lucky, Tom will too.

  40. ImCurly

    The dialog is like this … a nice, cool evening in California. Katie is resting, craddling her baby and wanting to stay home for the evening in her PJ’s … She is the picture perfect mom relaxing with her new baby on a rocking chair softly singing, “Twinkle twinkle little star” … But wait … TOM BUSTS IN THE ROOM ….

    “WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PUT THAT THING DOWN AND GET F**KING DRESSED, How dare you disobey me, you will not embarrass me, as we NEED to be seen out together before the media” ….

    Katie responds, “But Tom, but Tom- Just this one night (Baby now crying) …. The nanny scurries in the room, scoops up the new baby and quickly leaves …

    Tom fires back: “Did you not hear me, get your clothes on, you look like a fat pig- If you don’t move your fat ass this candle stick will be part of your skull” ….

    I can’t stand that a$$ hole and I hope for Katie’s sake, he leaves for the next one soon … the next one will probably be a man ! Closet Queen ….

    One day, when he’s dead and gone, the “True Hollywood Story” will come out and we’ll all see … he was another ROCK HUDSON.

  41. Pearly

    He wears platform shoes and has his pants cut to cover em, shorty shorty short short…

  42. CruisingForCock

    38 This is exactly why Sherry-co’s “directive” is to monitor this site. Cock is the only thing on his brain – he needs fresh ideas.

  43. krisdylee

    Honestly, this shit NEVER gets boring… unlike Land-man’s ginormous dink.

  44. krisdylee

    Dink. hahaha that’s a funny word…

  45. Nik

    Dude. Back in the 60′s guys wore dress boots. Tom could bring them back in style.

    If he wasn’t so fixated on proving he wasn’t gay.

  46. sweetcheeks

    #39 — You know who else died of syphilis? George Washington. It’s the STD of choice for powerful white males world-wide.

  47. missmermaid


    Tom Cruise Loves The Clodhoppers!

    ha! Ladyfoot!

  48. missmermaid

    He probably uses the placenta for nice, squishy, comfortable insoles. Like two little cut-in-half waterbeds of blood and mucus.

  49. here

    When that ego goes up in smoke, dude, it’s not going to be pretty. That’s a huge huge ego. When it finally crashes, we’re going to witness the humorous annoyance of another famous rich dude, with all the advantages, in full pansy self-pity mode and w/an associated sense of entitlement for sympathy as big as his former sense of entitlement for fame. The rest of us will continue to consume beer and fuck what we can find.

  50. Jessica Simpson needs a lift.

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