Tom Cruise launches Tom Cruise.com: The Internet just got a whole lot more – impossibler!*

May 6th, 2008 // 71 Comments

Tom Cruise is in the “risky business” (Swish!) of trying to resell himself as the mega movie star of yore. Today, he launched his new website Tom Cruise.com that includes a special message from Tom. I’m not going to run it here because a.) goddamn thing won’t copy and paste and b.) I fell asleep after the first sentence. The website suspiciously makes no mention of Katie Holmes, Scientology or even little Suri. It’s all about Tom, which makes me think it’s more of a really, really expensive singles ad. In fact, I happen to have a rough draft of Tom’s open letter to his fans that he wrote himself unlike the current letter which was written by some kid who just got beaten with a copy of “Dianetics.” I now present to you, in its entirety, Tom Cruise’s original message to his fans:

Greetings!

First off, I’m a big boy and I sit in a big boy chair. Not many people recognize that fact about Tom Cruise, but they should. I also am allowed on many theme park rides with minimal to low bribing of the ride attendants. True story and you should handle that truth! Ha, see? Just like my movie. I’m fantastic.

I like to smile – A LOT. Right into the camera – with my face. You see, when Tom Cruise smiles he’s saying, “Hey, look at my mouth, teeth and lips area. There’s magic there. Thetan free magic!” I love my smile and so should you. It’s smiletastic.

Making movies is my dream come true about dreaming true dreams and movies. I make movies for guys who love movies. Guys who want to come over to another guy’s house after playing soccer and just take off their pants and watch guys in movies with guys. Guys are who I dream about when I dream about movies. I guess you can say, my dreams are guytastic.

I love Oprah. She’s magical and really connects to the common world. She may live in a castle with a moat and archers instructed to pierce the hearts of peasants but that’s because she’s every woman, you know? Like her theme song. Which is Oprahtastic. If I weren’t supposedly married to [insert wife's name on edit] I’d romantically pursue Oprah with my jet. And that’s something you can take to the bank. Then get a second mortgage and purchase an E-meter. I love giving financial advice. Money is the tastic of my dreams.

Now enjoy Tom Cruise.com. I included a spectacular video montage of my adventures on screen. It’s my way of saying, “Hey, look at me, Tom Cruise. I’m a tall guy who makes movies.” And, really, isn’t that what this country needs right now? Tom Cruise dreams so.

Excelsior!

Thomas J. Cruise

*Only words spoken by Ben Stiller that made me laugh – and I totally stole it. Please, don’t sue!

Photos: Splash News
superficial

  1. She is so beautiful. Her blog and photos were found at dating site —”W e a l t h y l o v I n g .c o m ” —- last week. I am wondering what kind of relationship she is seeking on that site.

  2. baahaha

    I love you!

  3. Mississippi

    Creepy!!! He looks like a wax figure in the 3rd shot.. *shivers*

    And he’s TOTALLY loving those steps hahahahaha.. He’s getting to see for the first time in his life, what it feel likes to not be so dang short.. It’s bringing a tear to my eye! haha..

  4. herbiefrog

    why would anyone worry so… ?

    [who said sh*rtarse?]

    it’s not short
    so much as
    vertically …
    … oh we already tried that
    … didnt work then

    still… keeping the discussion
    from our baby : )

    thanks for the photos )

    she certainly is bea, etc

    [thats all we've got]

    that’s the trouble with “enthusiasts”

    they never seem to know when to quit…

    did we tell you that story… ?

    literary agent…

    etc…

  5. Ted from LA

    Hi 42,
    This is my busy season. Thanks for asking.

  6. yeah,he is very handsome,I love him very much! Recently the hollywood man was found to appear on a millionaire$celebrity dating club “richloving.com” where Chairle sheen found some dates with hot girls.

  7. Sean C

    What about Legend?? He totally left that out of the movie list.

    what a full-of-himself tool.

  8. Anal Fistula

    i’m surprised so few people have mentioned this eternal truth:

    TCLTC

  9. lambman

    when he climbs the steps he was finally tall enough to clearly look down Katie’s top for the first time and recoiled in horror

  10. JOE

    Tom cruise is just a pathetic dwarf ! what a loser !!!

    oh and I hate katie, she is just a stupid girl moulded exactly into what Tom wanted ! that is to say : one submissive creep

  11. punkasspiratz

    Um…his site just crashed my FIREFOX on MAC about 3 times. That’s about 3 too many times my pathetic ass tried to view his video.
    Advice: running FIREFOX on MACs (usually infallible) ? Don’t even bother.

  12. Pat

    Geesus, give the guy some credit, yeah, none of us would want his lifestyle… no one is perfect… stop hatin, where’s all the rapper haters putting down their websites and the nasty things they do… Tom won’t show up at your door with a nine, so it’s easier to judge him.. Anyway people, don’t hate the player hate the game…

  13. C.L

    I love how he has Katie stand on the stairs below him so he is taller…

  14. I do love our fearless leader

  15. Shay

    Katie looks like a Posh-PinkettSmith mutant to me. Love that !pop! of blue shoe under that plastic orange dress.

  16. me

    okay.. i was bored and curious and took a peek and found it funny that he conveniently left out “EYES WIDE SHUT” and “LOSING IT” of his filmography. Strange. LOL. Do those movies betray his new “classic” movie star image???? Just a thought….

  17. me again

    my mistake… just found EYES WIDE SHUT on the list… but he still left out LOSING IT.. my point is still valid.

  18. not_a_tom_fan

    Ugh! How annoying!

    Katie is such a stepford wife…

  19. josefilia

    I love her dress and the color is amazing!…but there is something wrong with her high hills, dont you think ?

  20. granimal

    please,someone check her back for circuitry

Leave A Comment