Tom Cruise launches Tom The Internet just got a whole lot more – impossibler!*

Tom Cruise is in the “risky business” (Swish!) of trying to resell himself as the mega movie star of yore. Today, he launched his new website Tom that includes a special message from Tom. I’m not going to run it here because a.) goddamn thing won’t copy and paste and b.) I fell asleep after the first sentence. The website suspiciously makes no mention of Katie Holmes, Scientology or even little Suri. It’s all about Tom, which makes me think it’s more of a really, really expensive singles ad. In fact, I happen to have a rough draft of Tom’s open letter to his fans that he wrote himself unlike the current letter which was written by some kid who just got beaten with a copy of “Dianetics.” I now present to you, in its entirety, Tom Cruise’s original message to his fans:


First off, I’m a big boy and I sit in a big boy chair. Not many people recognize that fact about Tom Cruise, but they should. I also am allowed on many theme park rides with minimal to low bribing of the ride attendants. True story and you should handle that truth! Ha, see? Just like my movie. I’m fantastic.

I like to smile – A LOT. Right into the camera – with my face. You see, when Tom Cruise smiles he’s saying, “Hey, look at my mouth, teeth and lips area. There’s magic there. Thetan free magic!” I love my smile and so should you. It’s smiletastic.

Making movies is my dream come true about dreaming true dreams and movies. I make movies for guys who love movies. Guys who want to come over to another guy’s house after playing soccer and just take off their pants and watch guys in movies with guys. Guys are who I dream about when I dream about movies. I guess you can say, my dreams are guytastic.

I love Oprah. She’s magical and really connects to the common world. She may live in a castle with a moat and archers instructed to pierce the hearts of peasants but that’s because she’s every woman, you know? Like her theme song. Which is Oprahtastic. If I weren’t supposedly married to [insert wife’s name on edit] I’d romantically pursue Oprah with my jet. And that’s something you can take to the bank. Then get a second mortgage and purchase an E-meter. I love giving financial advice. Money is the tastic of my dreams.

Now enjoy Tom I included a spectacular video montage of my adventures on screen. It’s my way of saying, “Hey, look at me, Tom Cruise. I’m a tall guy who makes movies.” And, really, isn’t that what this country needs right now? Tom Cruise dreams so.


Thomas J. Cruise

*Only words spoken by Ben Stiller that made me laugh – and I totally stole it. Please, don’t sue!

Photos: Splash News