Tom Cruise is in the “risky business” (Swish!) of trying to resell himself as the mega movie star of yore. Today, he launched his new website Tom Cruise.com that includes a special message from Tom. I’m not going to run it here because a.) goddamn thing won’t copy and paste and b.) I fell asleep after the first sentence. The website suspiciously makes no mention of Katie Holmes, Scientology or even little Suri. It’s all about Tom, which makes me think it’s more of a really, really expensive singles ad. In fact, I happen to have a rough draft of Tom’s open letter to his fans that he wrote himself unlike the current letter which was written by some kid who just got beaten with a copy of “Dianetics.” I now present to you, in its entirety, Tom Cruise’s original message to his fans:
Greetings!
First off, I’m a big boy and I sit in a big boy chair. Not many people recognize that fact about Tom Cruise, but they should. I also am allowed on many theme park rides with minimal to low bribing of the ride attendants. True story and you should handle that truth! Ha, see? Just like my movie. I’m fantastic.
I like to smile – A LOT. Right into the camera – with my face. You see, when Tom Cruise smiles he’s saying, “Hey, look at my mouth, teeth and lips area. There’s magic there. Thetan free magic!” I love my smile and so should you. It’s smiletastic.
Making movies is my dream come true about dreaming true dreams and movies. I make movies for guys who love movies. Guys who want to come over to another guy’s house after playing soccer and just take off their pants and watch guys in movies with guys. Guys are who I dream about when I dream about movies. I guess you can say, my dreams are guytastic.
I love Oprah. She’s magical and really connects to the common world. She may live in a castle with a moat and archers instructed to pierce the hearts of peasants but that’s because she’s every woman, you know? Like her theme song. Which is Oprahtastic. If I weren’t supposedly married to [insert wife's name on edit] I’d romantically pursue Oprah with my jet. And that’s something you can take to the bank. Then get a second mortgage and purchase an E-meter. I love giving financial advice. Money is the tastic of my dreams.
Now enjoy Tom Cruise.com. I included a spectacular video montage of my adventures on screen. It’s my way of saying, “Hey, look at me, Tom Cruise. I’m a tall guy who makes movies.” And, really, isn’t that what this country needs right now? Tom Cruise dreams so.
Excelsior!
Thomas J. Cruise
*Only words spoken by Ben Stiller that made me laugh – and I totally stole it. Please, don’t sue!
panties | May 6, 2008 at 12:05 pm
HE LOVES THOSE STEPS!
Babbler | May 6, 2008 at 12:08 pm
they both make me sick…get a life the pair of ya!
Amec | May 6, 2008 at 12:08 pm
His site will get thousands of hits from the curious and hackers. And maybe from the half-dozen fans he has left. Maybe.
Elliot_Spitz_On_Her | May 6, 2008 at 12:08 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Two steps! I mean, I know women are supposed to walk two steps behind, so I guess this just means, TCLTC!!!
Nice Momma with mixer in hand | May 6, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Typical little white guy you gotta use your options girls. There are more colors in the rainbow than white!
sherry | May 6, 2008 at 12:11 pm
the standing on the step was too funny
mixedmartialartvideos.com | May 6, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Wait a second.. how the hell did he get taller than her?
Bob | May 6, 2008 at 12:14 pm
It’s a blatantly obvious attempt to distance himself from Scientology, and try to reign his career back in. It started with his Oprah interview last week.
Hint, Tom: It ain’t gonna work. We still know you’re a whackjob.
Say “hi” to Xenu for me.
Gia | May 6, 2008 at 12:15 pm
I’m not a fan of Tom Cruise after he dumped his wife and kids and sent Nicole divorce papers without telling her first. He just wanted to start a new life but once a person has kids; the kids come first. If Tom did not have kids with Nicole then it would not be so bad. Angelina Jolee took Brad away from Jennifer, but he did not have kids so I will excuse Angelina. Tori Spelling slept with her co-star/husband the first day they met on the set. Tori knew he was married and just adopted a baby, so I hate Tori too.
SWAVE THE NUT | May 6, 2008 at 12:20 pm
ROFLLLLLLCOPTERZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
LOL(TOM)CATZZZZ!
lipper | May 6, 2008 at 12:31 pm
TCLTC!!! You all know it. And we love it.
Now, the dress isn’t so bad. But that accessory needs to GO!
*and no I’m not talking about the shoes*
gerard Vandenberg | May 6, 2008 at 12:36 pm
THE LITTLE ASSHOLE IS WEARING HIGH-HEELS?
Secially designed FOR and BY FAGGOTS, who are handicapped little like TOMMY!!
Anexio | May 6, 2008 at 12:36 pm
THat red girl is weird. first she tall an dthen shes short. who are theses people?
weird
veggi | May 6, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Is she trying to get “TO” Oz in her reverse Dorthy outfit??
Wonder what Pacey’s up to??
Sig | May 6, 2008 at 12:39 pm
He’s wearing the There’s Something About Mary hair gel.
ROY G BIV | May 6, 2008 at 12:42 pm
#5…there are more colors to the rainbow….there is no black though………I know, I know…there isn’t a white either
Oprah's Gorilla Butthole | May 6, 2008 at 12:44 pm
I can’t believe I just spent two minutes looking at his (overly) queer site.
In his personal letter, there’s at least two typo’s:
Occasion is spelled “Occasion”, not “Occassion” like tommy girl spells it.
And you don’t say “in to your seat”. You say “into your seat”. I wonder how many things have gone “in to” Tommy’s seat.
lipper | May 6, 2008 at 12:46 pm
For some reason I have the “Rainbow Connection” song stuck in my head. Odd!
SlyAndTheFamilyStallone | May 6, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Oh shit! Is that Simon Birch?
I was wondering what he’s been up to.
Elliot_Spitz_On_Her | May 6, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Katie Holmes wears more wigs than Lil Kim.
Lidiya | May 6, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Is he trying to get in as many photos as possible where he is standing a stair or several above Katie so he doesn’t look like a midget? Oh shit, he is! In the banner picture he is most likely shouting “I am a giant, who towers like a mighty oak over you! Tremble before me, waif! WAAUUUGHHH!”
pistola | May 6, 2008 at 12:53 pm
hahahahahah!!!!!!!!!! i love how he completely utilized those steps for this photo op!!! whispers in katie’s ear, “honey, just stay a few steps behind me when we get to the photogs… no time for questions, just do it!”
Go Packers | May 6, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Who’d a thunk. I see he dragged out those old kids of his. He thought he sold them on ebay years ago, don’tcha know.
hanshotfirst | May 6, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Look at her expression–she totally hates him. I bet she’s thinking, “Get off that fucking step, you stupid little man. Do you have to make a scene out of EVERYTHING?! Thank Xenu there’s not a couch around here.”
eh | May 6, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Nicole was way to good for him
FRIST!!! | May 6, 2008 at 1:07 pm
I didn’t read this..
Bobulo | May 6, 2008 at 1:17 pm
What is that weird grin on her face in every photo? She looks like a “mind-numbed robot”…
Han | May 6, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Gotta be the most unpredictable career ever. Early on, around the time of “Risky Business,” he seemed to be a likable lightweight young actor. Then he did some movies with Dustin Hoffman, Robert Duvall, etc. and held his own, surprisingly. Then he became the top action-blockbuster star. Then…absolutely batshit insane, torching every bridge in town while insisting he doesn’t belong to a cult, doesn’t fuck men, and loves his pod “Kate.” All because he should have followed up “Risky Business” with a very brave personal and professional choice to appear again in a movie in his underwear, but this time with another guy (“Reach-Around Business” maybe). This is why we need to let queers be queer. His huge secret stash of accumulated salty butt deposits clearly has damaged his brain.
Jacob | May 6, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Katie, honey. Lay off the bronzer. Or do yourself a bigger favor… take you kid and bolt.
EuroNeckPain | May 6, 2008 at 2:08 pm
#9, stupidest thing I’ve read in a long time.
woodhorse | May 6, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Using those neon blue shoes to distract people off the real issues (gay, short, gay, alien and gay) was a stroke of genius.
Boris Geiss | May 6, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Cruise is shilling for lifts now?
boo | May 6, 2008 at 2:25 pm
I just hate that there will be people who will be stupid enough to watch his PR stunt on Oprah and think he is a swell guy. HE’S NOT A SWELL GUY, HE THINKS YOU PEOPLE ARE GULLIBLE IDIOTS THAT WILL BUY ANYTHING HE’S SELLING JUST BECAUSE HE’S “MOVIE STAR” TOM CRUISE.
boo | May 6, 2008 at 2:29 pm
And by “you people” of course I mean present company excepted.
Auntie Kryst | May 6, 2008 at 2:39 pm
The Katie Holmes Thetan robot comes in new colors now?? Fucking awesome.
Megan | May 6, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Blue shoes? Weird. It is quite a distraction.
ella | May 6, 2008 at 2:45 pm
i’m sorry, but rip the bow off that dress and give her different shoes (blue with red??? ick!!!) and katie would look unbelievably gorgeous here. some of you people are just bitchy for bitchy’s sake. oh well, i guess i can respect that.
bonner | May 6, 2008 at 2:47 pm
tommy’s got new choppers? too plasticky, way too plasticky. i take amy’s tooths anytime. at least they have character.
blugardenia | May 6, 2008 at 2:47 pm
she looks horrible. her face looks like she’s in kabuki makeup, and those dayglow blue pumps? tom isn’t bad looking, but i swear. prom called and wants his shoes back. DO OVER!!!!
ToTellTheTruth | May 6, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Why does she look like doped up Ethopian n1g in these pics?
fashionpolice | May 6, 2008 at 2:52 pm
BLUE SHOES. WTF. I don’t care how much they cost, but blue shoes do not look good with a red dress. EVER.
Where? | May 6, 2008 at 3:20 pm
What ever happened to Ted from LA :(
Thomas Cruise | May 6, 2008 at 3:42 pm
KNEEL BEFORE ME PEASANTS !!
“It’s all about *ME* !!!!
ME-ME-ME-ME-ME !!!!!!!!
I wanna talk about *ME* !!!!
HG | May 6, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Is it just me or does Katie look a little like a Rihanna wannabe in these shots?
gotmilk? | May 6, 2008 at 4:03 pm
a little heavy on the tanning spray, don’t you think katie?
she’s suppose to look ridiculously dressed. it’s the Metropolitan Museum Costume Institute Gala, so you’re suppose to show up in something not so normal. so, in her case, she brought tom.
Jackie | May 6, 2008 at 4:47 pm
What a weirdo!
Nathiest | May 6, 2008 at 5:49 pm
SEE!!! Now dose she looked like some one whom have been brain washed? No. Dose Tom look like a crazy fatty? Uh no.
Stop with the blind hate.
Sparqi | May 6, 2008 at 6:10 pm
When did Katie turn into Christina Ricci? I might have missed that part.
Jamie's Uterus | May 6, 2008 at 6:11 pm
Love how most of the photos, he is one step above Katie, giving the appearance he is taller, but he is not. I believe he is about 5 foot 3 inches.
This guy sucks, he should go away too, and take that disgusting Lohan family and Kim Kardasha-piss-on-me.
herbiefrog | May 6, 2008 at 7:37 pm
careful fish… : ))
you might start psting the
day before
what?