Tom Cruise’s career is way more f-cked than anyone ever realized

December 9th, 2008 // 43 Comments

Tom Cruise probably spent last night crying in the strong, tender arms of David Beckham. Somehow, the former most powerful midget in Hollywood was roped into appearing on The Hills After Show and asked to give relationship advice to Spencer Pratt who recently eloped despite Heidi Montag’s dream of a big wedding:

“If the girl wants the wedding, you gotta do the wedding. It’s a special occasion, and she’ll remember it forever. Spencer, dude, you’ll realize this later.”

Spencer, of course, gave a response to Us Magazine who at this stage technically owns the custodial rights to his unborn children:

“You all know how I feel about big weddings, but if Tom Cruise says so, it must be true. If Tom’s the best man, we’ll have a big wedding!”

While I actually feel sorry for Tom Cruise, there’s a light at the end of this tunnel. And that light is Heidi and Spencer converting to Scientology just like Leah Remini. Who? Exactly.

Photos:, Video: E! Online

  1. Skeps

    Wow. That’s sad.

  2. Fernanado Narcos

    You’re mistaken,Fish.”The Littlest Wehrmacht Officer” is gonna bring little Tommy roaring right back!

  3. whitebear

    WB is FIrrrrsssssst ha!

  4. Sirus

    @1, by sad, I hope you mean pathetic.

  5. God

    SATAN! You did this!! We had an agreement!! Pratt and Cruise were to never cross paths! DAMN YOU!

  6. vic

    Tom knows all about wanting to be a beautiful bride.

  7. Jamie

    Tom is crazy person who is dangerous to the people.. Boycott his movies.. Some DJ out in Vegas had some really good points about the dangers of scientolgy.. here is a link to his page..

  8. Jamie

    Tom is crazy person who is dangerous to the people.. Boycott his movies.. Some DJ out in Vegas had some really good points about the dangers of scientolgy.. here is a link to his page..

  9. Smile

    Who is Tom Cruise?

  10. erika

    Damn, he’s starting to look OLD.

  11. Richard McBeef

    tom cruise is straight gay

  12. p0nk


  13. ummm...yeah

    Fish, is a fuckin fag…he can’t go one fuckin week without mentioning that assclown Pratt and that stupid cunt of his!
    Fuck you Fish!

  14. p0nk


  15. cj

    Fish….amazingly funny, as usual. That’s why I am shocked at your lapse in grammar. I expect anyone with a 3rd grade education to screw up, but you? It’s ‘more f-cked up THAN anyone realized’. You sound just like Britney. Are you just a hick on the DL?

  16. Zane

    I didn’t know grammar nazis were so easily amused.

  17. That Girl

    Oh God…so we have another Heidi/Spenser wedding to look forward to.

    With Tom Cruise as the best man.

    And the seven horseman of the apocalypse as the groomsman.

    Wonderful. Just. Freaking. Great.

  18. Just FYI – It should read “more f-cked THAN anyone” not “THEN”.

    I love the Superficial and read it most every day, but I have always been a lurker rather than a commentor. And will probably continue to do so, unless I notice a really annoying than/then error again.

  19. Leah remini Italian? i love when she acts tough!!!

  20. suzeeee

    it’s the loose/lose error that really gets me, then the your/you’re errrrr

  21. Tom Cruise

    Personally, I hate the loose ass error.

  22. havoc

    Nuttier than a shithouse rat……


  23. grobpilot

    He’s wearing that fucking Mary Tyler Moore coat again? Now all he needs is a little beret to throw in the air. Homo.

  24. el ces

    Chocolate Thunder was awesome.
    ’nuff said.

  25. Jamie's Uterus

    Cruise is so out of touch with reality, he has no idea where he is most of the time, or the irrelevance of Spencer the douchebag.

  26. Tom’s giving advice to Spencer now???

  27. Jacinto

    His movie may not make money, but he doesn’t care. Nazi cosplay is fun.

    “Mr. Zinger, ve regret to inform that as a gay and a Jew you have no place in the Reich. Your ass must be vhipped. It must be vhipped most forcefully.”

    “Please, no, Mr. Von Stauffenberg! ( whispering ) Yes, yes, yes.”

    “Oh yes. Vhipping will occur. RIGHT NOW. And then we send you to America where gay Jews have ze power. And then you vhip me back ja?”

  28. Captain Sloppy

    Poor little Tommy Mapother is starting to look old and, dare I say it? Fagged out. I mean that in a totally gay way.
    I though Scientology was supposed to cure gayness. In tiny Tom’s case it just seems to make it worse.

  29. Sgt. C. Foxtrot

    He’s still a damn cool actor.


  30. SandraB

    TCLTC… classic!

    Before I starting reading the post I was thinking “Yea, because I am watching him right now on ET Canada”

    But then I read further (farther?) (fa-ja?) and yes.. his press-whoring has gone off the deep end!

    FUK! She just gave him some Roots-wear. Worst-swag-ever!

  31. TCLTC

    You gotta hand it to Tom, he gets a lot of cock for a white guy. Almost as much as black boys in the locker rooms and showers after games and practice.

    And, no, that does not mean Spencer has a cock; Spencer has a vagina with a large clit.

  32. Jenna

    I just don’t understand why everyone is giving him a hard time? Tom was a great actor and in a lot of films, and now people look down on him just because he is into some weird religion. Move on people! It’s just as weird as some invisible guy in the sky who grants miracles and made the world.

  33. suburban terrorist

    #17 Think of it as a golden opportunity! Tom Cruise, Heidi and Spencer all in one location – add a well-placed brick of Semtex and a reliable detonator and the world will be back on its axis.

  34. Me

    Anyone posting after Me sucks on Tom Cruise’s impotent genitalia

  35. Hope so for this professional CHEATER & LOSER, folks!!

  36. cobe

    Love, like a single spark, can spread everywhere, conquer hunger, disease and poverty; make the world a better place to live. Love sprouts from affection, romance and marriage. Friend, join in for FREE and find your beloved at the world top on-line dating club @$@$@___Tallchat.com___@$@$@

  37. WOW

    You kidding right? Have you ever heard of typo? LOL.

  38. AndrewMacCloud

    Tom’s Career fucked? No way..

    His next Big Midget Porn movie will be the Bomb!

    Starring Tom cruise as.Lieutenant Pete ‘Maverick’ Midget

    Tower, this is Midget Rider requesting a flyby.

    That’s a negative Midget rider, the Bucket is full.

  39. Scuba

    ……. “the former most powerful midget”

    Hurm … Tom and I are the same height.



  40. tim b


  41. Mark Davis, M.D.

    Tom Cruise pvt life should remain pvt. A media that is hungry for news should report on something important such as its own demise. If Tom is impotent he joins millions of men who share the same fate. How about an article on impotency as related to these men. Katie Holmes was purchased by Tom and he continues to pay her off. But celeb marriages work to further careers not the people it consumes. Leave the couple alone.

  42. Paramount has revealed the release date for the next 4 Mission Impossible, Ethan Hunt has announced that (Tom Cruise) and his team will blow back on the big screen, December 16, 2011.

Leave A Comment