Tom Cruise is the master of language

April 20th, 2006 // 158 Comments

In the shocker of all shockers, Tom Cruise isn’t the linguistic expert he claims to be. Despite telling everybody Suri means “princess” in Hebrew, Hebrew linguists have confirmed that it doesn’t.

Suri has only two meanings – one is a person from Syria and the other “go away” when addressed to a female. Hebrew expert Jonathan Went says, “I think it’s fair to say they have made a mistake here. There are variations of the way the Hebrew name for princess is spelt but I have never seen it this way.” Suri can also be translated into a Hindi boy’s name, and it also means “pointy nose” in some Indian dialects and “pickpocket” in Japanese.

The crazy bastard named his daughter “pointy nosed pickpocket.” I take back whatever I said about Tom Cruise, because only a genius of maniacal proportions could come up with that. I just wonder how he’s gonna top it. He’s gonna have to name his next kid “degenerate puppy killer” or something.

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  1. krazyk

    Not that I love or even mildly like Tom Cruise, and I don’t mean to defend him, but I do feel a little bad for the poor baby who has a clearly psychotic father and a dangerously aloof mother who is pretty much inhuman in her flat affect. So just to set the record straight for the kid who already has enough problems…

    “Avshalom Koor, who has for years presented TV and radio spots on the intricacies of Hebrew, said Suri was a derivation of Sarah

  2. Hey, did anybody hear that Tom Cruise is gay? I just heard it. I can’t believe it!

    jk

  3. Libraesque

    sherry co you can defend Scientology all you want, although why you would choose to do so on this site is beyond me. Please humor us, enlighten us, tell us how you have been empowered by Scientology, I’m curious, really. Tell us in what way was your life fucked up and now it isn’t because of Scientology, and more importantly, how much has it cost you??? One more thing, can you explain why Scientology felt the need to drastically sway a poll a magazine TRIED to conduct regarding Tom Cruise and Scientology, by using 10 computers at the Celebrity Centere to cast 14,000 votes, hhhmmm, please, really, explain for us

  4. MissAppropriated

    Rough translations of “sherry-co”

    Persian: Stupid twat
    Hebrew: Stupid twat
    Iranian: Stupid twat

  5. Evangelia

    i thought suri meant “red rose with gay father” in persian as well? or perhaps i’m paraphrasing.

  6. Conductor71

    news just in…Tom Cruise has finally rejected Scientology after having extensive conversations with a rabbit called Steve, who has convinced him that the world was created by a secret society of poodles wearing bowler hats who communicate with each other using enchanted harps

  7. CervixAlot

    I thought Sarah or Sarai was hebrew for My princess >.< not SURI! lol. morons.

  8. Jacq

    Anyone see the story about the woman who was found in a landfill? That was Sherryco. I could have sworn that bitch was dead. I was sure if I didn’t do the trick that the bubonic plague would.
    Sherry-
    Did you run the computers that voted in the online poll? About whether Tom’s image problems are his fault or the media’s? See #103 if you’re fucking retarded.

  9. Salome

    The name

  10. St.Minutia

    #106 Conductor71, can I put that on a t-shirt?

    hahahahaha

  11. Star Maker Machinery

    What’s Hebrew for “manhole licking nutbag”?

  12. krisdylee

    krisdylee loves papa’s cock

  13. Haley

    FYI – L. Ron Hubbard is from SURI, ENGLAND. Freaking rediculous.

  14. scovy

    Hey, now…Syracuse was my brainchild, if your going to use it, at least give me the credit.

    Maybe SURI is for what TOm says when he eats the afterbirth. “MMM, that suris tasty!”

  15. Jacq

    I am watching that American Inventor show right now and that English guy is an asshole. Love it. They just crush, literally, CRUSH people’s long, hard road to creating these things and send them home to kill themselves.

  16. Trotter

    104 – I read that too!
    Were you on http://www.cuntswhoshoulddietranslated.com?
    Wierd coincidence.

  17. Chrystal03

    #112, Papa’s hot nuts are mine, Ive got the tickets!! woot woot.

  18. BoutrosBoutrosGhali

    So, Nicole Kidman has commented “I hope mother and baby are doing well”

    I read that as:
    1. She knows KH isn’t the mother
    2. She says nothing about TC because he is a TOOL

    http://socialitelife.com/2006/04/20/nicole_kidman_quote_of_the_day.php#comments

  19. BoutrosBoutrosGhali

    so, I wonder why Katie hasn’t been allowed a comment. Or her parents.

    I wonder what she will say when she is allowed to comment. Hmmm.

    “I am so excited.”

  20. BoutrosBoutrosGhali

    Someone needs to get a q-tip swab of DNA from that baby

  21. BoutrosBoutrosGhali

    inside the cheek

    or a lock of hair

    or a toenail clipping

    something

    KH’s parent’s will have something from KH — they can get something from TC

  22. BoutrosBoutrosGhali

    parents

  23. colormeskanky

    Does anyone else think it’s VERY strange that Katie’s parents were on vacation when she gave birth and they haven’t come to see her?? I bet Tom bought them a vacation and sent them away so they wouldn’t be there. He IS SO HIDING SOMETHING. And since he’s fameous you know it’ll eventually get out.

    When he was interviewed by Diane Sawyer he just denied everything that’s been reported about him, but let’s face it, Tom– 99% of all rumors are based on some truth. Fess up, already.

  24. junebug

    Cruise is a ticking time bomb. He’s living a lie, he’s the spokes man for a cult, and he’s mad. It’s only a matter of time before he explodes. I just hope his downfall involves Matt Stone and Trey Parker … causing it.

  25. Chrystal03

    #123 I totally agree with you..her parents are Catholics and they would be right there for her..its Tom’s idea to get them away because he didnt want them to experience a Scientology birth of their only daughter. What a pussy ass bloody rag clot ass hole to push her parents away. Fuckin jack ass of a man…

  26. nikki

    this is what happens when you have been able to successfully manipulate the media for YEARS. you lose all perspective and start believing that you will allways be able to fool all of the people all of the time. but the people are on to you Tom. you named the alien after yourself, using the letters of your own name. and then you float a lie in the media saying that the name is Hebrew. and of course you succeeded for 24 hours — even CNN repeated the rubbish. but thank goodness for bloggers. we don’t just believe what we are told — we look it up. it’s getting harder and harder to manipulate eh Tom? we’re on to you, you crazy bastard.

  27. sherry-co

    Good God!! You ppl need to get a LIFE..Thank goodness for bloggers?? that is so pathetic!! all you slimy slugs need to go crawl under your trailer homes…and leave the thinking to intelligent ppl. oh and BTW Jacq says he’s ready for another 12″..you wouldnt believe how reamed out he is..

  28. Trotter

    @121

    DNA sampling will be hard. Consider that TC was eating the placenta. I pitcure Tom eating every thing that comes off and out of that baby until it is weaned. Perhaps longer. Kind of like a mother cat licks her kittens, only nowhere near that cute.

    Constantly licking, preening, sucking. He’ll store her secretions in the fridge and put them on his Wheaties in the morning. And he’ll bite her nails and spread her poop on dry crackers.

    Sorry.

  29. chanel_bear

    he’s fucked, and katie has become an mindless piece of arm jewelery, ver much like the diamond cartier bracelet that he really wanted, but everybody would have thought he was gay….er more so than they do already.

    all i know is that it’s a good thing that kid has money coming to her, cause she’s going to need some SERIOUS therapy when she’s older. and what about his other adopted kids?????? do they like cease to exist now?

  30. Trotter

    Sherry-Co! I heard you were found in a landfill! So you’re ok?

  31. aims_25

    #76: I think that is a great plan!

  32. Chrystal03

    You know whats funny? #127 feels the obligation to check back on what we said and how dare she call us trailor trash, I live on a welfare park..THANK YOU!!

    Sherry-Co is so stupid, she saw a sign that said “do not walk, so she ran across” …oooh woot woot!!!

  33. Conductor71

    #127

    Sherry-co, glad you found the time to post in between rigging internet magazine polls

  34. SaSsY

    I’m just soooooo happy for this… you guys just made my day… MADE MY DAY…

    SASSY OUT!

  35. oxx

    “suri” means “dead” in Estonian. Or rather “had died”. Nice name, Tom! :S

  36. CheekyChops

    #50; you say that like its a bad thing.

  37. Phoenix

    Did you know that he wanted Isabella and Connor there in the delivery room and he and Nicole had a major argument over it? So everyone should remain quite during birth so the fuckin alien won’t get traumatised but it’s okay for two kids who actually understand what’s happening to see and hear everything. Not traumatic at all.

  38. mamacita

    Tom Cruise will give his first post-baby interview to some shitty reporter, like Nancy O’Dell or something. He knows that she sucks so much and she’ll be so thrilled to interview him that she won’t ask him any of those pesky questions dealing with ‘reality’ and ‘sanity’. My projected transcript of said interview:

    Nancy O’Dell: So, how’s the baby? How are you and Katie? How’s LIFE Tom?

    Tom Cruise: We’re all so happy! The baby is amazingly gifted. She’s only 2 weeks old and she can already walk, feed herself, drink from a cup, AND sacrifice her own goats!!

    Nancy O’Dell: Alright. So, um, how’s Katie recovering?

    Tom Cruise: She’s recovering fine!!! Wonderfully!!! Well, she’s got me to help her!! I’m awesome!!! I’m completely impotent when it comes to having sex with women, I’m a brainwashed member of a cult, I like to brainwash new people to get them to enter the cult, I like walks on the beach, I looooove placenta, and I’m extremely small!!! Aren’t I a great catch? Aren’t I?? AREN’T I????????????????????????

    Nancy O’Dell: Uhhh…….ok! Good, good!! Well, what’s the baby’s full name?

    Tom Cruise: Suri Duri Cruise. I may rearrange the letters of my last name to rhyme with Suri Duri. I like rhyming because it’s a form of symmetry. Symmetry is very important to me.

    Nancy O’Dell: (growing increasingly flustered) Wel, um, uh, so how did the Scientology birth go?

    Tom Cruise: You’re one glib bitch, Nancy. You DARE to ask me that?!!! You are GLIB!!!! GLIB!! GLIB!! GLIB!! GLIB!! GLIB!! (where every instance of the word glib is punctuated by a knee to the face from Tom)

    Body Guards enter: Ma’am you’re gonna have to remove your face from Tom’s knee. You’re in his bubble. He doesn’t like people in his bubble.

    When it’s all said and done, Nancy’s face will be broken, her ribs cracked from the kick that the body guards delivered in an effort to remove her from Tom’s bubble, and, well, let’s just say that Tom RUINED HER SHIT!!! Tom will be crying copiously in the corner while simultaneously laughing maniacally and muttering “glib bitch” under his breath every 2.43 seconds.

    Remember, I called it.

  39. Technically wouldn’t it be:

    “Go away pointy nosed pickpocket” ?

    Something to ponder

  40. christee

    sherry-co, k-fag, newguy, whoever the hell you are: fuck off! if i see the phrase “reamed out” one more time, then i will personally hunt down your TRAILER (p.s.-learn to spell, cunt!), disconnect you from the internet, remove tom’s cock from your ass, beat you with it, and hand it back to him. run along now, i think your mommy is calling you.

  41. katie

    ok so i just looked it up on babynames.com

    means “wealthy” in armenian

    “go away” in hebrew

    “mother of the sun” in sanskrit

    either way, it doesnt mean princess in hebrew, it means go away. which, i hope this little alien baby does.

  42. Libraesque

    If that’s true about her parents being on vacation, I think it’s pretty obvious they are making a very loud statement that their daughter did not give birth on Tues. There is NO WAY a parent would miss the birth of their first grandchild. She gave birth in January, (the first week in January she was photographed with a flat stomach) and the kid is Chris Kleins. She’s shopping at Barneys and 15 minutes later she “gives birth”, and 20 minutes later they’re photographed leaving the hospital…yea ..right

  43. Libraesque

    Oh, sherryco, you know who’s a loser? Your bud TC, for having a BASTARD child,(oh wait he doesn’t care because it’s not his DUH!) he should be ashamed of himself

  44. Jacq

    Everyone simma’ down now. Her parents will be there when she gives birth to her first HUMAN baby. Right now they are on the Sherryco all inclusive Landfill Resort Vacation. There are plenty of dirty needles to go around, so no pushing. Unless you want to shove Sherry. **Ding Ding Ding!** I think #123 is onto something.

  45. #91 no Sarai is a varient of Sarah, not Suri.

    #88 Dr. Rokter. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  46. Trotter

    @138
    A week later:

    Nancy Grace is interviewing Tom regarding his suit against Access Hollywood, NBC and Nancy Dell. He

  47. Zed

    TO ALL CONCERNED:
    Please note that while it is true that sherry-co tampered with that foolish poll, 14,000 votes is not even worth discussing. The number could have been so much higher if we wanted it to be.

    Suri does not see the problem. Why do you? Suri rules, you don’t. Case closed.

    Furthermore, Suri wants you to know that sherry-co and TC are not typical Scientologists, and, on her return to the Scientology Center, sherry-co will be beaten silly until she comes to her senses. She needs to learn to keep that big mouth of hers shut.

    On the other hand, we won’t beat TC–he’s given us lots of $$. Money talks, what can I tell you? Suri needs the money, so screw you.

    Hail Xenu! Join the Scientology expedition before it is too late! Hurry!
    Suri rules on Earth!

    The Suri Team Leader

  48. WishDoll

    Actually, in the Hungarian language, Szuri (pronounced the same way as Suri , as in Hungarian s = sz) means injection/shot.But used in a cute way.

    Congratulations, Tom Cruise.

  49. “Mulder, why are you examining that picture of Tomkat’s newborn?”

    “Because it has a bithmark that looks curiously like the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.”

  50. Lindz_Blowhan

    all i know is it’s hard for people to understand you when you’ve got a dick in your mouth all the time….maybe he was simply telling Katie he was SORRY that he loves the cock so much and she liked the sound of it.

    TCLTC (though it need not be reiterated, it’s funny so why not)

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