Tom Cruise is the master of language

April 20th, 2006 // 158 Comments

In the shocker of all shockers, Tom Cruise isn’t the linguistic expert he claims to be. Despite telling everybody Suri means “princess” in Hebrew, Hebrew linguists have confirmed that it doesn’t.

Suri has only two meanings – one is a person from Syria and the other “go away” when addressed to a female. Hebrew expert Jonathan Went says, “I think it’s fair to say they have made a mistake here. There are variations of the way the Hebrew name for princess is spelt but I have never seen it this way.” Suri can also be translated into a Hindi boy’s name, and it also means “pointy nose” in some Indian dialects and “pickpocket” in Japanese.

The crazy bastard named his daughter “pointy nosed pickpocket.” I take back whatever I said about Tom Cruise, because only a genius of maniacal proportions could come up with that. I just wonder how he’s gonna top it. He’s gonna have to name his next kid “degenerate puppy killer” or something.



  1. Land-Man

    #28, stupidest joke I’ve seen yet.

  2. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    That alien crack is some serious shit. The other day I smoked two moon rocks and I kept seeing these little pickpocket aliens running around poking me in the shins with their pointy noses. Actually that might have been earlier today, now that I think about it…

  3. bella420

    #39- yes it definitly means “my dad loves the cock” in xanuian

  4. Alphabeter

    Tom is from Syracruse, NY.

    Suri Cruise = Syra cruse ?

    Xenu’s child got lazy.

  5. bella420

    meghan harris will you please shut up- last time i checked websters has no influence on the hebrew language. put your helmet back on and go back to eating your own scabs!

  6. Chrystal03

    Yeah #32, I said TCLTC, if you dont know what that means then you’re not cool. So get off my clit!!!

  7. Jacq

    #42 – THE COCK! THE COCK! THE COCK! What do I win?! Cock?!

  8. Carolina

    OK I love cock to…so what??!!

  9. aartard

    #53 – That is SO fuckin’ hilarious!!!!

  10. Land-Man

    #53, no it isn’t. Look me in the eye when I shoot off.

  11. Pilar Cruz

    In Korean, su ri is a mouth lesion. Like herpes.

  12. Fisher55

    In Aruban, suri means “dead cheerleader”

  13. Youph

    “Tom is from Syracruse, NY.

    Suri Cruise = Syra cruse ?

    Xenu’s child got lazy.”

    Hey, idiot, there is no such place as Syracruse, NY. It’s SyraCUSE, now go sit in the corner.

  14. bella420

    #60- shoot off what? your mouth as ususal?

  15. Crafty

    Is it too much to ask that Tom Cruise does everyone a favor and fucking drops dead? Preferably with a cock jammed in every orifice? I mean REALLY.

  16. outrageous.opinion

    Isnt it very strange and ironic that he chose a biblical name?

  17. I love it, you give your kid a name and announce to the press what it means…and don’t even bother to check it out?! What, like there wasn’t ONE Synagogue or Temple or Jewish person within 1,000 miles that they could varify that they weren’t giving the kid a name that when combined with all it’s meanings means “Get away from me you female Syrian Pointy Nosed Pickpocket….classic. He was probably too busy with THE COCK to bother.

  18. Angel_Baby

    I can’t believe how much press this lunatic still gets.

  19. brewdick

    #55 water came out of my nose! funny shit man, funny shit

  20. Angel_Baby

    #44 is TOTALLY correct

  21. Cairde

    Is it just me or does every single “person” in the picture for this article look like evil incarnate? Also, wouldn’t Mr. Cruise have the “tech” to know what “Suri” meant in every language? I mean an OT of his level is supposed to be somewhat of a god according to Scientolody’s bullshit, right? Wait!!! AI’m sorry, Mr. Cruise!!! I didn’t mean that! Don’t kill me with your mind powers!

  22. Feed_Me_Chocolate

    #30 (tits_on_snack), apparently Air-Cock can’t make up his mind how long he should pretend to be. Earlier it was 11″, now it’s 12″. He should really think aboutlabeling those severed penises that he gets off of his black lovers, so that he knows which one to use for which day of the week.

  23. Fipi

    I live in Per

  24. Trotter

    Surinam the equatorial nation where Tom Crusie has set up a huge nudist scientologist enclave. He got the idea when he was visited by the ghost of Jim Jones who inhabits the body of Kirstie Alley when she’s on slimfast. Apparently, he’s built a giant dildo factory, run with slave labor and they are kept in bondage through voodoo. Suri is the new voodoo high-priestess and will keep the dildos coming in ever greater numbers and in huge variety.

    Seriously. My cousin saw a story on it last week on E. Really.

  25. calvertrangel says the meaning of Suri IS Princess.

  26. Libraesque

    I don’t think boycotting MI3 is enough, I think everyone, in any city he goes to promote it should show up wearing a “Tom loves the Cock” t-shirt. How fucking hilarious if an entire crowd of people had them on and it made it onto one of those nightly rag shows HAHAHAHAHAHA

  27. UCSD

    Tom cruise is a cockmaster. Why exactly did he attempt to give his child a hebrew name? Don’t scientologists get their own set of shitty space names?

  28. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    75 – If told you to jump off a bridge, would you?
    The name Suri probably does mean “Princess” or “Angel” or some other gay shit in some godawful language. But if we can’t make fun of Tom Cruise then what are we going to talk about? MeganHarris, NewGuy, Land-Man? I mean how are we going to sit here and waste hours of our lives talking shit about people we don’t even know?! Preposterous!

  29. Feed_Me_Chocolate

    Yes, and I’m sure has a Hebrew linguist on staff. Apparently Tommy Boy thought they were smart sh*t too.

  30. Anie900

    #75, 79 and half ther rest. after some exastive research the “red rose” meaning is right but its iranian… and by exastive i mean like 3min. but the internet NEver lies.

  31. Tay

    Surrey, England has a large Scientology Church.

    Cruise knew what he ws doing. All this “princess”/ “rose” crap is a cover up.

  32. colormeskanky

    Suri = Surrey, which is a region of England where L. Ron lived and where Scientology has it’s UK headquarters.

    Didn’t you just have a feeling Scientology was involved somehow?

  33. sherry-co

    All of you are JEALOUS cuz none of you thought of that name before you named your kids some boring repetitive humdrum names. Now they come up with such a WONDERFUL & BEAUTIFUL name and listen to all of you spew vileness….oh and BTW Jacq has no problem accomodating 12″ of anything..He’s so reamed out hell he’ll probably only beg for more…

  34. suzy

    i thought sorry would be an appropriate name from an asshole like tom cruise

  35. Conductor71

    It hardly matters – by now the Cock Lord will have pulled out his trusty light sabre and sacrificed poor little Pointynosed Pickpocket to Xenu or some other badly drawn cartoon character, the fucking spastic

    but oh!!! how he LOVES that cock

  36. Chrystal03

    @83-Sherry Cola, I dont have any kids but if I did, I certaintly wouldn’t name them Suri..I’d go with Jose, something less common.

  37. Barbara

    That poor kid.

  38. Dr.Rokter

    I’m not jealous of Tom Cruise. If I have a daughter, I’ve already decided to name her Seductra. After my mother.

  39. calvertrangel

    #78 You know if you can get that worked up about what someone you’ll never know would name they’re child maby you should think of turning off the damn computer and getting some form of life.
    No I wouldn’t name my kid Suri but what other people name they’re offspring is not my business and I definetly wouldn’t sit around getting pissed when someone points out something that has nothing to do with me.

  40. atom

    Hmm if you spotted the meaning at that must mean that when she is aprox 4 years old the meaning would be somthing diffrent like “Go away girlie pickpocketeer”…

  41. nursenancy

    SURI is a variant form of SARAH which means PRINCESS or NOBLE in Hebrew. From the Aramaic SARAH means PRINCESS, GUARDIAN ANGEL, GENIUS (Jastrow, Marcus. 1903. A Dictionary of the Targumim, the Talmud Babli and Yesushalmi, and the Midrashic Literature. v.1 Brooklyn: International Hebrew Book. 1627). Variant spelling – SURIE

  42. Conductor71


    oh do shut up Sherry-Co, the nurse will be along in a minute with your sedative

  43. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    #89 – Oops, you just did.

  44. suzy

    oh btw


  45. suzy

    tom cruise loves the placenta

  46. suzy

    damnit… i thought it didnt go through the first time.. stupid computer


  47. Something you actually may find really hilarious about Tom Cruise and regards to this post. The picture found here

    with the caption of “A protective Tom Cruise takes Katie Holmes back from the hospital.

    My roommate wrote it, and I still laugh every time I read it.

  48. Trotter


    What did it feel like when you realized your mother abandoned you? You were what, about 11? Is that about when your foster dad started pouring you glasses of your namesake and putting his coarse, filty fingers in your no-no spot? How long was it before you forsook your given name of Beatrice and told everyone to call you Sherry?

  49. I bet his favorite language is English with a fake Cockney British accent. Get it? Oh man, I’m hilarious.

  50. haha, i laughed at Cockney British.

Leave A Comment