Tom Cruise is building a bunker to protect against aliens

September 28th, 2007 // 95 Comments
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I almost let this one slip by. Almost. But it is The Daily Mail and they wouldn’t run it if it wasn’t true right? Tom Cruise fears that galactic ruler Xenu is planning a revenge attack against Earth, so he’s building a bunker to keep him and his family safe. The Daily Mail reports:

“Tom is planning to build a US$10 million bunker under his Telluride estate.”
“It’s a self-contained underground shelter with a high tech air purifying shelter.”
The facility is said to have enough room for ten people – including wife Katie Holmes, 17-month-old daughter Suri and his adopted children Isabella, 14, and Connor, 12.

I want to believe aliens are the reason Tom built a bunker, but it’s time to face reality: the bunker is for Katie Holmes. He probably feels bad about locking her in the closet so he’s upgrading her living conditions. But, hey, protecting her from Klaatu or whoever? Space aliens? That’s a good reason too.

superficial

  1. TCLTC

    Anyone else would have been put in a straightjacket long ago.

  2. xman

    I hate this guy. I really think he takes it in the ass

  3. he looks like he has got down syndrome with tat hair cut.

  4. gerard Vandenberg

    This is the most fucking way to betray people!! Using your “mental dependable” wife and her child. You know how the world can witness your TRICKERY? You “forgot” to put down your sunglasses. The kid wants to see her father LIVE, just his face…DADDY? A little kid of that age doesn’t know what that strange black thing on your nose is. The most personal part is when a dad looks a kid straight in the eyes. Now, that isn’t possible!!
    Without your knowing you are telling the whole world your celebrity-status is more important to you than anything else. DAMN SCIENTOLOGY-ASSHOLE!!

  5. betenoir

    Klaatu, barata, nektu!

  6. XENU

    I AM XENU!!! And let me tell you, you are ALL FUCKED.

    Bunker? HA. I laugh at that shit. I’m going to break down that bunker and fuck Tom in the ass while Katie watches. Katie will bow down before XENU before the night is done, for I, XENU, am the galactic overlord and master of the universe.

    Oh, and #17? I got your fucking number. My hench aliens will be coming to see you soon.

    ALL HAIL XENU! ALL HAIL XENU!

  7. carx

    wow…
    he’s going to spend $10 million on a bunker to protect him (plus his “i swear i’m not gay, look what i have” family) from an evil alien space lord that only exists in a fantasy novel.

  8. gigi

    Eh, screw all that! bunker/shmunker…… the burning question is: when he’s with Rob Thomas is he the top or bottom??.

  9. Bmose

    @12 you forgot Dort. I guess he needed the bunker because Stan’s closet as kind of cramped.

  10. ya

    how many times can i say wtf now? Our actual celebrities, not that i like to give tom the credit but whatever, our actual celebrities are going nuts and building underground bunkers while ppl like that grl who got the tit jobs and nose job are walking the red carpet? WTF? WTF? Tom Cruise sucks at life.

  11. herbiefrog

    not sure what he’s waiting for…
    …we’re already here

    hey tommie…
    burying yourself in a bunker
    just saves us the cleanup job

  12. He’s still a putz.

  13. kokoko

    Think hair is wig maybe he go bald? maybe need stop scientolooney….

  14. Xenu The Almighty

    Tom…you can run but you cannot HIDE. I saw you on Oprah jumping up and down and doing cartwheels and shit all on her furniture in front of millions, like someone that had mexican jumping beans wedged up his ass. But I..Xenu The Almighty have something that will cure THAT. When I find you, I’m going to stick a nice hot laser beam up your scientologic ass. Perhaps it will help you to grow a little and not have to rely on a step-stool the next time you attempt to lick your slave’s…oops I mean your wife’s salted pussy.

  15. Sundance

    Damn this guy is fucked up.

  16. Tom Cruise

    People, people, people, you have no idea of the danger that you’re in! Look at post #17, 22, 39, 40, 56 and 64! This is serious! You are in mortal danger!

    And Sundance, don’t call me fucked up! I know the history of psychiatry and I can take care of myself, with the help of scientology of course. And everyone stop saying TCLTC! No one knows what that means anyway.

  17. A Refugee from Xenu

    Tom! Thank the True & Blessed Powers that Rule The Galaxy! You’re here! I have so much to tell you!

  18. Tom Cruise

    To the bunker then! And when we get there, we’ll get a couple of card tables, some bed sheets, blankets, covers and pillows together and we’ll build a fort! We’ll have a fort within the bunker! A fort within a fort even! How about that!!!

  19. A Refugee from Xenu

    Oh crap . . .

  20. evilqueen

    being an actor and joining the Scientology has makes him CRAZY definitely. Poor Suri. if he build a bunk, people would think he’s an REAL alien.

  21. starscanfrighten

    Don’t care whether this story is true or not.
    The guy’s a douche.

  22. Real Estate Agent

    He may be crazy as a loon, but his house is sure interesting. Check the pics in the linked article Superfish provided.

  23. Lori

    Haircut is definitely Hitlerish.
    Does he think we don’t know his hairline is receding???

  24. Ok kids, first of all Tom’s hair (which does look wiggish) is for his next movie. Secondly, we’d all be weird if we grew up the way Mr. Cruise did. I mean how does Tom Cruise know what’s real? and add ScienCultOlogy to the mix and yeah we’d be odd too. He’s still a great actor- mostly.
    For you all at The Superficial: Klaatu barada nikto!

  25. Katie Holmes

    Please stop insulting Tommy! He’s providing protection for me and the kids with the new bunker and the fort within a fort.

    Xenu is real! I saw his picture in a Scientology comic book for adult instruction in Scientology; Tommy and I were reading with a flashlight when we were in a blanket and pillow fort.

    I have to go now; I’m making a Xenu statue out of Play-Doh to take to show and tell for my next Scientology meeting!

  26. jasper von sausagewater

    LOOK AT THAT FUCKING HAIR!!!!!!!!

    He’s doing the hideous Paul Simon toupee thing, or the Ralph Wiggum

  27. Real Estate Agent

    I found the house just by looking at the pics in the linked article and searching Google Earth; only took about 5 minutes. Fish, that was fun; show more celeb houses!

    I’d put the latitude and longitude coordinates, altitude and street name(no street address, sorry, Google Earth wouldn’t show it) here but I think Fish would delete my post.

  28. WakeUpWorld

    I’m a Scientologist and I’ll tell you that this crazy story about Xenu is total crap. Some people in the press keep saying that this Xenu story is what Scientologists believe. This is such garbage and it’s a story repeated over and over and is intended to keep people from looking into what Scientology actually is. So why would some in the media intentionally try and keep people away from Scientology you ask? Because most media is well paid by the pharmaceutical industry. They see Scientology as a threat to their profits because it is. Scientology has many, many answers that work and are practical. Let’s look at 1 example of how the psychiatric drugging industry is hurt by Scientology technology… Let’s assume you know someone who has been depressed for several months or even years. Did you know that with Scientology you can literally snap him out of his dark days and make him feel happy again, sometimes in less than five minutes. How could this be? Because Scientology helps and works like nothing else before it. There is no need to be on a psychiatric drug everyday for the rest of your life. This is just one of thousands of solutions Scientology has and it would take literally books to tell you all it has to offer and can do. Give a Scientologist just a few minutes of your time and you’ll quickly realize what a sham psychiatry and the psychiatric drugging business is. It’s OK to be skeptical about Scientology, but don’t assume that what you’ve been told about it is actually true. Just ask yourself would all these celebrities be involved in it if didn’t help them and others tremendously?

    HTTP://WWW.WHATISSCIENTOLOGY.ORG

  29. McLashen

    isn’t xenu a lesbian swordswoman? if so I for one welcome our lesbo muscley overladies

  30. Tom Cruise loves COCK

    #78

    “Just ask yourself would all these celebrities be involved in it if didn’t help them and others tremendously?”

    Are you implying that celebrities are intelligent?

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

    Illogical fuckwit.

  31. A development of enormous importance took place upon the set of Tom Cruise’s latest movie. It seems that a moment of silence was spoiled by one of the crew members:

    “Tom Cruise was left furious after a crew member on his latest film set passed wind during a minute’s silence.”

    The name Rage Against Farts links to the article which contains the above line.

    Here, though, is a marvelous tribute to Tom Cruise and his new movie:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6dm9rN6oTs

  32. Tom Cruise loves COCK

    #78,

    After getting the side-splitting laughs out of my system, it’s apparent that you are actually implying that scientology is good for something and attempting to prove your assertion by adding that since celebs join scientology then it must be good.

    That is a logical fallacy.

    Just ask yourself would all these celebs be driving drunk, DUI, without panties, getting plastic surgery, making complete fools of themselves in front of cameras etc etc if it didn’t help them and others tremendously?

    If L. Ron Hubbard was such an honest man then why did he lie about his military service? Why do scientologists continue to lie about his military experience even after his military records indicated he lied?

  33. bored at work

    Thank you to all for a good laugh at work! # 78 you complete nut job, wasn’t Elron Hubbard convicted for fraud? How the hell can anyone believe in a religion a sci fi writer “discovered” a few decades ago? All the crap about thetans and engrams, for anyone who hasn’t worked it out, is a load of bullshit some guy made up to make money. Tom Cruise believes because he is thick as a brick and they (the scientology mob) pander to his ego. How many other religions would let a whack job like Tom be a spokesperson? Also 78 #, if you can cure everyone with depression and other mental illnesses, why don’t you run off to the nearest mental hospital and cure everyone? Or does it cost money to be cured by you? Dickhead, dickhead, DICKHEAD. I have depression and was hospitalised a few months ago after the death of a relative. Strangely enough, once they put me on antidepressants I started to lift and am now back at work and working my way back to normality. But there was no sign of scientologists anywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Tom, you are a strange little motherfucker and I wish you would stop acting because you can’t. Mayve you should become a professional bunker builder or maybe you could advise people of the coolest decor to have in their own needless bunker. Hairdressing is probably now not a good option.

  34. Lulabelle

    All of you dummies who hate Tom should all get together and DIE. I LOVE Tom and always will. I hate Katie because SHE is porking him and not ME. I am a better lay than her, and I guarantee that I could drain Tom’s balls completely dry in one night. And, I wouldn’t make an ugly fang toothed mongoloid baby like she did either. Tom, I am here, naked, with my legs spread. Mount me. Thrust deeply. Squirt like a firehose. I want you.

  35. skull

    “Lulabelle”….. You must be an ugly fat whore if you are in love with that slope shouldered midget, Tom Cruise. And, why would he ever be interested in a hunk of cellulite flab like you? He could never have sex with you, because your love hole is so stretched out, he could drive his Hummer in there! I suppose he could pork one of your sweaty rolls of blubber. After Tom pumped his load into the fold, I wonder how long it would sit there, since you never bathe or shower. Why don’t you get an old splintered broomstick, write “Tom” on it, and then F yourself to death? Whore.

  36. emptyhandkiller

    Hey, SKULL – Why are you picking on Lulabelle, just because she is a fat, horny whore who wants to sample Tom’s pimple prick? Hey! Wait a second… I know… Skull, YOU want Tom, don’t you!!!!! You would love to make little circles around his puckered anus with your tongue…. you would love to do chinups on his stiff hog….. you would love to suck on his yam bag while Tom whacks off into Katies’ coffee mug… But MOST of all, you want to seal your mouth around Tom’s A hole. Then you would just wait there, until Tom’s bowels expell a Scientology wonder fart! You would joyously inhale that foul gas and swallow it. Perhaps in a day or two, that fart would work its way thru your system, and then YOU could fart it out! Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

  37. Lulabelle

    emptyhandkiller and skull, I HATE retarded halfwits like you. How DARE you insult me and my dreams about Tom? Neither of you hairy chimpanzee looking homos will ever understand sex between a man and a woman, because your idea of ultimate pleasure consists of pumping the turd encrusted fart hole of the diseased queer in front of you at the gay baths. You stuff your own scab covered meat stick into annonymous poop holes for your pleasure. Why don’t you all KILL YOURSELVES? And, you say that I am fat? I bet both of you have saggy pot bellies that drag on the ground as you wander about, searching for a fresh turd hole to pump. You are both hateful little trolls who should be executed.

  38. bored at work

    I think we are getting off the subject here. Lulabelle, settle down. I think he is gay anyway so maybe move your lust to some other worthy celebrity. To get us all back on track, everyone should go and watch ten minutes of “The Last Samurai” of “Vanilla Sky” and then you would remember just how crappy an actor he is. Or the Oprah interview. And Lulabelle, what are you doing googling “Tom Cruise sucks” anyway? That’s how I got here – so many sites! Tom Cruise DOES suck, I think if you Wikipedia him before Katie ‘edits’ it you would see that this is an actual fact.

  39. Lulabelle

    To “bored at work”…. I hope your boss discovers you posting your nonsense during company time and throws your A** out the door! Then, when you are starving and homeless, you will start selling your scrawny anus hole to other street bums for a nickel a pork. I hope you get AIDS the very first time. You are NOT going to convince me that Tom is gay. I will ignore all your lies and attempts to discredit him. All I dream about is Tom Cruise on top of me, his massive manhood imbedded in my vagina, and it is ramming in and out at high speed. His muscular legs driving his pelvis hard and fast. His arms clutching me in orgasmic desperation. His foot long tongue jammed down my throat. We orgasm simultaneously, and he tells me he loves me. Shove THAT down your lying throat, bored!

  40. bored at work

    Lulabelle that is both eloquent, romantic and completely tapped. I am sure that when Tom reads this site your revolting description of your, for lack of a better term, ‘lovemaking’ he will be overcome with lust and straight away do the dirty on Katy for the opportunity to embed something in your vagina. PS even if Tom isn’t gay, he is married. PPS Gross, gross, gross. If you are joking, ha ha, but if that is actually a dream of yours, you really have stripped away the romance of it and made it into two dogs fucking.

  41. Lulabelle

    bored at work – No, I DON’T like your nonsensical version of “love making”. I have always preferred animal sex…. wild, savage, crazed. And do you think I care about that ugly whore Katie? Of course not. She can watch Tom and me do it! Maybe she will learn something about pleasing a man, instead of lying there like a piece of driftwood with a knot hole in it. Tom will leave her the instant he is done climaxing inside me. Just because you pork your gay lovers’ anus through a hole in a sheet of plywood, doesn’t mean everyone else is an awkward, inept lover like YOU. When I masturbate, I always pretend Tom is plunging his love meat deep into me, and when I orgasm, I imagine Tom’s jigger sized load is whitewashing my insides. How do you like THAT, creep? I HATE you.

  42. bored at work

    Lulabelle you complete psycho – I am a straight woman and do not fantisise about midget closet-contained control freaks having rape-like sex with me while their wife watches. I’d say that that was a bit weird. Honestly Lulubelle, can you really imagine Tom reading your entries and thinking “that’s so hot”. It would be more like “OK, here is another person I need to sue and have kept 30m away from me at all times. Scientology is the best heil Hitler!” So keep that in your little deranged ming Lula -smells!

  43. Lulabelle

    bored at work – How am I supposed to know that you are a female? You frigid little SLUT, you probably have sex exactly like that stupid whore Katie, lying on your back, completely rigid, teeth and fists clenched, eyes shut, just waiting until your smelly drunken idiot lover pumps his goo into you and goes away. Then you call your equally stupid girlfriends and tell them how you “pleased” your man. And, don’t tell me what Tom finds attractive. Boring sluts like you are a dime a dozen, while I offer Tom incredible sex anytime he wants it. I get it! You are JEALOUS, aren’t you!! You are mad, because you have no idea how to have great sex with a man. You can only fantasize making a man like Tom shudder with ecstasy, while I am going to DO IT! And, you mock Tom’s Scientology! You don’t know anything about it, while I have read and re-read the book in preparation for being with Tom. I hate you.

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  45. Matt B

    Just goes to show that a belief in Scientology invites a lot of disturbing religious delusions, which can seriously damage the lives of vulnerable people (e.g. John Travolta’s disturbing behaviour after the death of his son). Tom Cruise and his multitude of scientology disciples must have very weak intellects. A belief in Scientology requires the kind of mind which is suspended in a kind of terror at the universes indifference to human affairs and suffering. Scientology, like all religions and pseudo science, reduces life down to something acceptable for the vulnerable among us to grasp, as Christianity has done throughout the past 2000 years of its formidable history. Religious believers like explanations, even crazy explanations such as Scientology, to avoid the terror of the existential moment and an awareness of the apparent meaninglessness of life. This unconscious fear ultimately arises (as Freud has explained) from a fear of death. Scientology, like all the other unhealthy forms of religious belief, really needs to be destroyed.

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