I almost let this one slip by. Almost. But it is The Daily Mail and they wouldn’t run it if it wasn’t true right? Tom Cruise fears that galactic ruler Xenu is planning a revenge attack against Earth, so he’s building a bunker to keep him and his family safe. The Daily Mail reports:
“Tom is planning to build a US$10 million bunker under his Telluride estate.”
“It’s a self-contained underground shelter with a high tech air purifying shelter.”
The facility is said to have enough room for ten people – including wife Katie Holmes, 17-month-old daughter Suri and his adopted children Isabella, 14, and Connor, 12.
I want to believe aliens are the reason Tom built a bunker, but it’s time to face reality: the bunker is for Katie Holmes. He probably feels bad about locking her in the closet so he’s upgrading her living conditions. But, hey, protecting her from Klaatu or whoever? Space aliens? That’s a good reason too.
mkell | September 28, 2007 at 1:40 pm
I so want this to be true!
WTF? | September 28, 2007 at 1:42 pm
I’d still fuck him.
Barry LeFarge | September 28, 2007 at 1:42 pm
Scientology is hilarious.
Superevil | September 28, 2007 at 1:43 pm
Only 2 weeks late on this one.
blpressure | September 28, 2007 at 1:44 pm
Yes, please let it be true. I’ll stand outside with a voice changer shouting “I am Xenu! I have come for revenge! Where is Tom Cruise? I want him first, that little shit made me a laughing stock!”
mkell | September 28, 2007 at 1:45 pm
Well, he did say he almost let it go.
12:51 | September 28, 2007 at 1:45 pm
maybe it would be like that one movie from blast from the past and he would dissapear for 25 years
I hate celebrities | September 28, 2007 at 1:45 pm
Scientology will turn ya ugly.
adeliza | September 28, 2007 at 1:47 pm
That’s right Tom, don’t build a bunker in case there is a chemical weapons attack. Dont build a bunker in case of a nuclear missle strike.
Yeah Man! Build a bunker ’cause them aliens are gonna come and get ‘cha!
I hate celebrities | September 28, 2007 at 1:48 pm
and superfish are ya sure he isn’t building the contaiment facility up his nose cause he could fit 20 people in that there schnooz or Rosie O’donelle. She loves the crazy little bastard.
judy | September 28, 2007 at 1:48 pm
He sure is cute for a wacko!
Ajo | September 28, 2007 at 1:49 pm
Grand kudos on the old school movie reference. Klaatu barada nikto, indeed.
hollyweirdreporter | September 28, 2007 at 1:50 pm
Knew he was crazy! hanging out with aliens! lock yourself up, Tom. http://www.hollyweirdreport.com
El-Coyote | September 28, 2007 at 1:52 pm
He just needs a big place to store his ego….
Matt Lauer | September 28, 2007 at 1:52 pm
Any room for me and Brooke?
MrSemprini | September 28, 2007 at 1:55 pm
Tom Cruise Hates Farts
Tracking Down Offensive Gas Passer
Sep 27, 2007
There’s a stink brewing on behind the scenes of Tom Cruise’s WWII flick, Valkyrie.
…Tom Cruise, had asked that everyone working on the film observe one minute of silence in honor of the heroes of war they were about to portray.
When, during the minute, someone passed gas, Cruise stormed off the set in a rage, and he is now on a hunt to have the unknown fartmonger fired.
The crew recorded the moment of silence and Cruise wants to review the tape to find the gaseous culprit. Obviously this man has too much time on his hands.
A Refugee from Xenu | September 28, 2007 at 1:58 pm
Tom is wise. I have personal experience with the savagery and cruelty of Xenu. His galactic secret police are everywhere and Xenu is planning an assault upon the Andromeda galaxy which will consume most of the resources of the Milky Way.
Sooner or later Xenu’s engineers will arrive here, and when they do, they will take pretty much everything. My only question is, will Tom’s bunker be enough? I think it and your planet in general could stand a good deal of augmentation.
And so, I am requesting asylum from your planet. I have arrived virtually without resources but I can help with the construction of force fields, new weapons, starships, wormhole generators, physics and math that your people do not yet possess, etc. It should enable you to hold out a bit when Xenu’s forces arrive and help you obtain a better settlement than you otherwise would.
Tom, if you read this, please contact Mr. Superfish and tell him arrange a meeting. I am serious.
Sincerely,
A Refugee from Xenu
Alex | September 28, 2007 at 1:59 pm
Cute? You’d still fuck him?
Where the hell have you been dating?
Guy | September 28, 2007 at 2:00 pm
His hair SUCKS
Lexoka | September 28, 2007 at 2:04 pm
Wow, I always thought he was in it for the money or something… apparently he *is* completely crazy.
Dee | September 28, 2007 at 2:06 pm
it’s too bad he missed his ride on the spaceship that was behind the hale-bop comet in 1997. Would have saved us all 10 years of looking at and listening to this weird little creep!
A Refugee from Xenu | September 28, 2007 at 2:12 pm
Please stop mocking Tom, this is serious. He won’t take my open letter seriously if it is surrounded by mockery.
Again, I beg of you, please show Tom all the respect you can. I know you don’t believe me, but believe your own eyes. Tom has great power which he ordinarily does not display, but watch the video and see for yourself.
Tom, I am at your service.
Sincerely,
A Refugee from Xenu
TS | September 28, 2007 at 2:12 pm
Looks like there are a bunch of women (or men perhaps) with midget fetishes in here?
PrettyBaby | September 28, 2007 at 2:17 pm
No one’s gonna say it?!
Alright then I will…… TCLTC, from his bunker…..hiding from Xenu…….. devising plans to bomb pharmaceutical companies….. using Eskimo semen to impregnate his Slave, er …. I mean Katie.
blpressure | September 28, 2007 at 2:20 pm
I think I’ll make my own bunker and invite Juliet Lewis, she’s crazy but hot.
uberfrau | September 28, 2007 at 2:26 pm
TCLTC!
And one more time, so no one forgets!!
TCLTC
Awww, Not This Crap Again! | September 28, 2007 at 2:29 pm
But I thought Tom was one of THEM? Isn’t he, like their poster boy or something? Surely they wouldn’t want to hurt HIM?! You would think that when “Xenu and Co” arrive they would want us to take them to “our leader” (Tom)?! LOL :o)
Oops, i crapped my pants! | September 28, 2007 at 2:55 pm
I heard that he refers to the project as the “pound me in the ass room.” Sure he’s been pounded in the ass in every room of every house (also every hotel room) he’s ever been in, but this room will be dedicated to intense ass play only. As in don’t go in there unless you plan to ram something in Tom’s ass.
Taylor | September 28, 2007 at 3:06 pm
#14 good one..
Wedaneus | September 28, 2007 at 3:06 pm
Tom’s hair looks like roadkill.
God damn it, WTF is up with him nowadays? I just want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him till he comes to his senses and starts making good movies again.
Taylor | September 28, 2007 at 3:07 pm
He looks a wee bit Hitlerish
IWONKY | September 28, 2007 at 3:08 pm
All sceintologists are completely apeshit.
IWONKY | September 28, 2007 at 3:11 pm
Just look at Tom’s face in that pic – he’s gone completely APESHIT!!!!!
Matthew | September 28, 2007 at 3:25 pm
I say it once I say it again…. FREE KATIE
ssdd | September 28, 2007 at 4:03 pm
What a fucking lunatic….. I guess next he’ll buy everyone a black jogging suit, a pair of nikes and tell them their going to take a ride on the Hale-Bopp comet.
JaneaneTheAcerbicGoblin | September 28, 2007 at 4:35 pm
Hail, Xenu!
Faggot | September 28, 2007 at 4:36 pm
isn’t klaatu a beatles reference?
Alex | September 28, 2007 at 4:41 pm
#37
To give you an idea of how many people frequent this and never post, “klaatu” just had over 5000 indexes on Google in the last 5 minutes.
TOM CRUISE | September 28, 2007 at 5:03 pm
Obviously, you people have never spent time absorbing the wisdom of the Star Chamber or seen the rolling, amber colored tides of the Manitou Parsac.
It’s easy to mock what you dont understand, but until you’ve douched with Niacin and dined from the feet of Non of Zegna, you will never be qualified to judge us.
Perhaps you should ride in my aircraft, where i will soar to heights of 30,000 feet, then drop immediately to 7,000 feet, depriving you of oxygen the way i was deprived when i first rode on the Scientolocraft. Only then will you come to understand our point of view. I thank Arg Espectus everyday for bringing me to him and you will too.
By the way, NONE of you are invited to my bunker when they come to terraform this planet to suit their lithium, helium atmospheric needs.
Scientology is Truth | September 28, 2007 at 5:05 pm
Refugee is correct. That you people are not aware of the intergalactic malice that awaits are race is a pity. For all of us. BUT at least we got W to protect us.
eXtasyStef | September 28, 2007 at 5:10 pm
Tom Cruise won’t come out of the closet…That’s why Katie’s in there.
God, he’s not even amusing anymore. If he wasn’t Tom Cruise, he’d be in a rubber room by now.
Zing! | September 28, 2007 at 5:15 pm
That little homo has been fucked in the ass so many times he shits like a supersoaker. Astronomers classified his asshole as an independent galaxy. Explains all the alien shit.
jacknasty | September 28, 2007 at 5:22 pm
Is Scientology actually considered a religion in America? I mean in terms of taxes and such? Because really, I don’t think for-profit member driven organizations created in the 70′s should be given all the tax breaks that real religious institutions get
jacknasty | September 28, 2007 at 5:27 pm
ps. that’s a really great haircut if you’re 7 and retarded
cookie monsta | September 28, 2007 at 6:16 pm
fuckin scientologist nut job… next thing you know there will be 40 suri’s, boy ones and girl ones, and it’ll be no wonder red heads are bred out of existence.
MeanMofo | September 28, 2007 at 6:41 pm
It is true, Xenu’s coming back just like those two burritos I ate yesterday…I only hope Xenu fits down the toilet!!
ubee0173 | September 28, 2007 at 7:44 pm
yeah, everyone’ll be really sorry when xenu shows up… but didnt harry potter defeat him? when tom cruise is murdered by someone in a shitty alien costume, remember, it was xenu. i had NOTHING to do with it….
emily | September 28, 2007 at 7:49 pm
and i thought britney was a fuckin wackjob!
blpressure | September 28, 2007 at 8:07 pm
His hair reminds me of Jim Carrey. Can’t remember what from, maybe Dumb and Dumber. Or when he was a kid in Eternal Sunshine.
nat | September 28, 2007 at 8:17 pm
wtf