Tom Cruise is building a bunker to protect against aliens

September 28th, 2007 // 95 Comments
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I almost let this one slip by. Almost. But it is The Daily Mail and they wouldn’t run it if it wasn’t true right? Tom Cruise fears that galactic ruler Xenu is planning a revenge attack against Earth, so he’s building a bunker to keep him and his family safe. The Daily Mail reports:

“Tom is planning to build a US$10 million bunker under his Telluride estate.”
“It’s a self-contained underground shelter with a high tech air purifying shelter.”
The facility is said to have enough room for ten people – including wife Katie Holmes, 17-month-old daughter Suri and his adopted children Isabella, 14, and Connor, 12.

I want to believe aliens are the reason Tom built a bunker, but it’s time to face reality: the bunker is for Katie Holmes. He probably feels bad about locking her in the closet so he’s upgrading her living conditions. But, hey, protecting her from Klaatu or whoever? Space aliens? That’s a good reason too.

superficial

  1. mkell

    I so want this to be true!

  2. WTF?

    I’d still fuck him.

  3. Scientology is hilarious.

  4. Superevil

    Only 2 weeks late on this one.

  5. Yes, please let it be true. I’ll stand outside with a voice changer shouting “I am Xenu! I have come for revenge! Where is Tom Cruise? I want him first, that little shit made me a laughing stock!”

  6. mkell

    Well, he did say he almost let it go.

  7. 12:51

    maybe it would be like that one movie from blast from the past and he would dissapear for 25 years

  8. I hate celebrities

    Scientology will turn ya ugly.

  9. adeliza

    That’s right Tom, don’t build a bunker in case there is a chemical weapons attack. Dont build a bunker in case of a nuclear missle strike.
    Yeah Man! Build a bunker ’cause them aliens are gonna come and get ‘cha!

  10. I hate celebrities

    and superfish are ya sure he isn’t building the contaiment facility up his nose cause he could fit 20 people in that there schnooz or Rosie O’donelle. She loves the crazy little bastard.

  11. judy

    He sure is cute for a wacko!

  12. Ajo

    Grand kudos on the old school movie reference. Klaatu barada nikto, indeed.

  13. Knew he was crazy! hanging out with aliens! lock yourself up, Tom. http://www.hollyweirdreport.com

  14. El-Coyote

    He just needs a big place to store his ego….

  15. Matt Lauer

    Any room for me and Brooke?

  16. MrSemprini

    Tom Cruise Hates Farts
    Tracking Down Offensive Gas Passer
    Sep 27, 2007

    There’s a stink brewing on behind the scenes of Tom Cruise’s WWII flick, Valkyrie.

    …Tom Cruise, had asked that everyone working on the film observe one minute of silence in honor of the heroes of war they were about to portray.

    When, during the minute, someone passed gas, Cruise stormed off the set in a rage, and he is now on a hunt to have the unknown fartmonger fired.
    The crew recorded the moment of silence and Cruise wants to review the tape to find the gaseous culprit. Obviously this man has too much time on his hands.

  17. A Refugee from Xenu

    Tom is wise. I have personal experience with the savagery and cruelty of Xenu. His galactic secret police are everywhere and Xenu is planning an assault upon the Andromeda galaxy which will consume most of the resources of the Milky Way.

    Sooner or later Xenu’s engineers will arrive here, and when they do, they will take pretty much everything. My only question is, will Tom’s bunker be enough? I think it and your planet in general could stand a good deal of augmentation.

    And so, I am requesting asylum from your planet. I have arrived virtually without resources but I can help with the construction of force fields, new weapons, starships, wormhole generators, physics and math that your people do not yet possess, etc. It should enable you to hold out a bit when Xenu’s forces arrive and help you obtain a better settlement than you otherwise would.

    Tom, if you read this, please contact Mr. Superfish and tell him arrange a meeting. I am serious.

    Sincerely,

    A Refugee from Xenu

  18. Cute? You’d still fuck him?

    Where the hell have you been dating?

  19. Guy

    His hair SUCKS

  20. Lexoka

    Wow, I always thought he was in it for the money or something… apparently he *is* completely crazy.

  21. Dee

    it’s too bad he missed his ride on the spaceship that was behind the hale-bop comet in 1997. Would have saved us all 10 years of looking at and listening to this weird little creep!

  22. Please stop mocking Tom, this is serious. He won’t take my open letter seriously if it is surrounded by mockery.

    Again, I beg of you, please show Tom all the respect you can. I know you don’t believe me, but believe your own eyes. Tom has great power which he ordinarily does not display, but watch the video and see for yourself.

    Tom, I am at your service.

    Sincerely,

    A Refugee from Xenu

  23. TS

    Looks like there are a bunch of women (or men perhaps) with midget fetishes in here?

  24. PrettyBaby

    No one’s gonna say it?!

    Alright then I will…… TCLTC, from his bunker…..hiding from Xenu…….. devising plans to bomb pharmaceutical companies….. using Eskimo semen to impregnate his Slave, er …. I mean Katie.

  25. I think I’ll make my own bunker and invite Juliet Lewis, she’s crazy but hot.

  26. uberfrau

    TCLTC!

    And one more time, so no one forgets!!

    TCLTC

  27. Awww, Not This Crap Again!

    But I thought Tom was one of THEM? Isn’t he, like their poster boy or something? Surely they wouldn’t want to hurt HIM?! You would think that when “Xenu and Co” arrive they would want us to take them to “our leader” (Tom)?! LOL :o)

  28. Oops, i crapped my pants!

    I heard that he refers to the project as the “pound me in the ass room.” Sure he’s been pounded in the ass in every room of every house (also every hotel room) he’s ever been in, but this room will be dedicated to intense ass play only. As in don’t go in there unless you plan to ram something in Tom’s ass.

  29. Taylor

    #14 good one..

  30. Wedaneus

    Tom’s hair looks like roadkill.
    God damn it, WTF is up with him nowadays? I just want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him till he comes to his senses and starts making good movies again.

  31. Taylor

    He looks a wee bit Hitlerish

  32. IWONKY

    All sceintologists are completely apeshit.

  33. IWONKY

    Just look at Tom’s face in that pic – he’s gone completely APESHIT!!!!!

  34. Matthew

    I say it once I say it again…. FREE KATIE

  35. ssdd

    What a fucking lunatic….. I guess next he’ll buy everyone a black jogging suit, a pair of nikes and tell them their going to take a ride on the Hale-Bopp comet.

  36. JaneaneTheAcerbicGoblin

    Hail, Xenu!

  37. Faggot

    isn’t klaatu a beatles reference?

  38. #37

    To give you an idea of how many people frequent this and never post, “klaatu” just had over 5000 indexes on Google in the last 5 minutes.

  39. TOM CRUISE

    Obviously, you people have never spent time absorbing the wisdom of the Star Chamber or seen the rolling, amber colored tides of the Manitou Parsac.

    It’s easy to mock what you dont understand, but until you’ve douched with Niacin and dined from the feet of Non of Zegna, you will never be qualified to judge us.

    Perhaps you should ride in my aircraft, where i will soar to heights of 30,000 feet, then drop immediately to 7,000 feet, depriving you of oxygen the way i was deprived when i first rode on the Scientolocraft. Only then will you come to understand our point of view. I thank Arg Espectus everyday for bringing me to him and you will too.

    By the way, NONE of you are invited to my bunker when they come to terraform this planet to suit their lithium, helium atmospheric needs.

  40. Scientology is Truth

    Refugee is correct. That you people are not aware of the intergalactic malice that awaits are race is a pity. For all of us. BUT at least we got W to protect us.

  41. Tom Cruise won’t come out of the closet…That’s why Katie’s in there.

    God, he’s not even amusing anymore. If he wasn’t Tom Cruise, he’d be in a rubber room by now.

  42. Zing!

    That little homo has been fucked in the ass so many times he shits like a supersoaker. Astronomers classified his asshole as an independent galaxy. Explains all the alien shit.

  43. jacknasty

    Is Scientology actually considered a religion in America? I mean in terms of taxes and such? Because really, I don’t think for-profit member driven organizations created in the 70′s should be given all the tax breaks that real religious institutions get

  44. jacknasty

    ps. that’s a really great haircut if you’re 7 and retarded

  45. cookie monsta

    fuckin scientologist nut job… next thing you know there will be 40 suri’s, boy ones and girl ones, and it’ll be no wonder red heads are bred out of existence.

  46. MeanMofo

    It is true, Xenu’s coming back just like those two burritos I ate yesterday…I only hope Xenu fits down the toilet!!

  47. ubee0173

    yeah, everyone’ll be really sorry when xenu shows up… but didnt harry potter defeat him? when tom cruise is murdered by someone in a shitty alien costume, remember, it was xenu. i had NOTHING to do with it….

  48. emily

    and i thought britney was a fuckin wackjob!

  49. His hair reminds me of Jim Carrey. Can’t remember what from, maybe Dumb and Dumber. Or when he was a kid in Eternal Sunshine.

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