Tom Cruise is a priest-like thing

June 18th, 2007 // 86 Comments

Tom Cruise is reportedly performing a wedding for his friend, Australian heir James Packer, because Cruise has reached the highest level of “clear” in Scientology. And that may sound like a bunch of gobbledygook to you and me, but it makes perfectly good sense to Scientologists. Probably because they’re so smart. Any organization that would let Tom Cruise perform a wedding clearly knows what’s up.



  1. Tom Cruise

    I now pronounce you husband and wife – you may now fist the priest!

  2. loci

    what a prick

  3. Tom, it muzt really
    suck to be U:
    1)your zhort
    2)pretend to like women
    3) bought the baby from alienz
    4)and lazt..worzt of all..U R
    acting like a (probably) Republican
    priezt,that likez to molezt little
    church boyz..

    how doez thiz help your image?

  4. jrzmommy

    His “friend”‘s name is Packer? Like, Fudge Packer?

  5. LL

    When I was bashing Scientology, I didn’t mean to imply that other religion is cool. I’m an atheist, I think they’re ALL crap. But seriously, Scientology seems a little more loony than the others. TC and JT and all the other pod people can believe whatever they want, but I reserve the right to call them crazy for it. C’mon… Thetans? Clear? Xenu? Auditing? I swear L. Ron just pulled all this out of his ass just to see what would happen. It’s made me consider inventing my own religion. People will apparently believe anything and give you tons of money to tell them all about it.

    As for the Republican comment, not taking that one back. With the party in its current incarnation, I believe you would indeed have to be stupid to vote for any of them. I will acknowledge that plenty of Democrats are idiots too.

    There, all better now.

  6. iburl

    Cruise has reached the highest level of “clear” because all of his huge checks have “cleared”. Obviously the inherited money that the Billionaire who Tom is marrying will also assure that he will reach the highest levels of “clear” very soon. If there are any Scientologist lurkers reading this, I’m curious to know, if I’m wrong that it’s all about money, what level are you and how much money have you given the “church”?

  7. Ms. E

    Ha, dude ahead of me is right about the money thing. But seriously guys, how can you NOT have faith in something that is so obviously real? I mean, the Greeks have their gods, why can’t the scientologists have their alien warriors coming down from the sky? I see Ron L. Hubbard looking up from hell going “ahhh.. my little puppets”. What a bunch of freaks.

  8. iburl

    church | ch ?r ch | noun

    a building used for public Christian worship : they came to church with me.
    o (usu. Church) a particular Christian organization, typically one with its own clergy, buildings, and distinctive doctrines : the Church of England.
    o ( the Church) the hierarchy of clergy of such an organization, esp. the Roman Catholic Church or the Church of England.
    o institutionalized religion as a political or social force : the separation of church and state.
    o the body of all Christians.


    Jesus has 0% to do with this cult, so how in the world do they get away with having a cross on their symbol and calling themselves a church? Seriously.

  9. woodhorse

    Mr. Angry Jones: for some reason this post of Tom reminded me of your artful rendition of Rosie O’Donnell and it also reminded me that you forgot to add a cigar and her quoting (in a balloon) “Money for nothing and your chicks for free” — Tom Cruise resembles your depiction of Rosie quite a bit.

    But when #25 refers to his “gay ass religion”, this is truly an insult to gay people (Perez not withstanding) so – IMO – my comparing Tom to a gay woman is OK but calling gay people Scientologists is crossing the line.

  10. PrettyBaby

    People who have been on here awhile–Just think back to Tom’s cock to cock hug with Steven Speilberg that was posted on the Fish. I will never, ever EVER forget that.


  11. cosmetologist

    What’s up with her trying to dress like Jackie O, or is she just trying to look older because Tom is starting to look like a wrinkled up, kitchen witch.

  12. cosmetologist

    He is a stupid High-school drop-out and a stupid cultist. The way you get to Clear is registered by the same machine that Psychologists use for bio-feedback treatments.

  13. woodhorse

    Katie Holmes should have her own Reality Show: “How bizare would you go to have money?”

  14. moozer

    Has anyone noticed Katie is transforming into Victoria Beckhem? She no longer smiles with her toothy grin, dresses more sophisticated and now the hair is like VB. This is not the same girl on Oprah oh so many moons ago…..

  15. bungoone

    60, thanks for that. all that money spent on therapy, down the drain!

  16. yukadoozer

    hahaha i remember the kitchen witch.

  17. Darth Hater

    @64 Maybe she thinks turning into Posh will make TC morph into Becks so she can be married to a straight, relatively normal man instead of a midget homo cultist.


    #36, wow, do I hate that relativist stuff. I’ve actually read the 1972 edition of The Fundamentals of Thought: The Basic Book of the Theory and Practice of Scientology for Beginners, by L.Ron himself, and no matter how irrational the world’s religions might seem or be, to compare their scope and history, their mission and purpose, to something as puny intellectually as Scientology (read it and see) is to paint a distorted picture of both. Relativism just seems like nihilism to me. Where are the distinction-makers? Is Scientology a religion or a cult? The use of sophistry, of sentences that turned round on themselves, the changing meanings of fundamental words like “spirit” and “freedom” throughout the book, made me think it IS a cult. Reading that book made me think of Orwell’s 1984 “Freedom Is Slavery”, “Ignorance Is Strength”…

    Oh, sorry, I got carried away. Tom Cruise has a small penis. There, I feel better now.

  19. Danklin

    What the FUCK is he doing to Katie Holmes? Jesus, this girl use to be attractive.

  20. Lowlands

    While reading this very important and interesting post i suddenly remember these wise words of this monch i met.I was standing with him on the top of a mountain,overlooking the valley.He said to me;’religion is for cowards,we’ve to face that we’re lost.’ This is a true story and the monch was Sauron.

  21. #58 – Relax I have a plan greater than thou knowest…

    Yes, it is true that the whackiest of the whacky reside in COS but you have to remember that you Christians have become quite boring to me and Dad… You used to have vim and vigor. Why, Dad or I could throw you a burning bush and you silly hairless apes would be all affluter for centuries… Do you have any idea how long I did my “water into wine” bit? Seriously, that sold for YEARS. I mean, it isn’t much more than the milk into a newpaper bit ow isit!!! Now you guys just don’t believe anything you see… I could move the Golden Gate bridge and you still wouldn’t buy it… You would just start looking for Chir Angle or David Copperfield or some other freako. So sue me for having fun but I just could not help myself… If it makes you feel any better, remember that bit I did with Joseph Smith in Utah? Yep. That was a gag too… What can I say… Heaven is boring on Mondays… I won a Hunskee of Gabriel for that one. He said you meat puppets surely weren’t that stupid… Little did he know…

    Jesus the Ever Loving Christ Almighty…

    PS. Free trip around the universe with stops at all ringed planets for anyone who kills Paris, Lyndsey, or Britney.

  22. woodhorse

    Lowlands, that was very poetic. So much to learn in life, so little time.

  23. for those of you unfamiliar with australian billionaires; james packer is possibly the best looking man in history.

  24. tonycatman

    Educate me please.

    Why does everyone think Tom Cruise is a poof?

  25. Midgetfister


    I’ve been trying to be first for such a long time, and I’ve finally made it!

  26. Sauron

    Let all hope go.We don’t know anything about the game of life and death.

  27. Nelson Mandela

    Fuck I hate Tom Cruise

    ..and Katie Holmes

    ..and James Packer and the thing he’s marrying.

    What a despicable display of wealth, and another laughable attempt at trying to prove that Tom’s (sshh) ‘not gay’. Make sure your wife is with you. Where is that brain-washed child you married? Ahh..there she is. You know, your glazed-eyed wife might have an army of PR people trying to make her look like your little homemaker, but you don’t fool ANYONE. Try the old routine of convincing yourself that we’re all simply jealous of your money. Reality is, you’re just an old queer who throws millions of dollars at freaky people who believe the dumbest shit this planet has ever known. We know *exactly* what you are Tom Cruise.

    Great *cough* religion *cough* you have there, Pumpkin.

    Hail Xenu. Or Xena. Or Scrappy-Doo. Whatever.

  28. fuck Tom Cruize and
    that fake shit Katie,

    like all that money,
    Katie was worth marrying
    someone who hatez sex with
    women..the only way U could
    go any lower iz to be Brittney
    fuckin Spearz.

    and if that baby iz any part of
    either of them, then it waz made
    in a glazz bowl with fairy duzt!

    U threw all your young yearz away
    for money, Katie, guezz what? can’t
    get them back, azzhole.

  29. Dee

    Very creepy little man…looks even creepier beside Katie. The fact that he gives all his money to a cult created by a science fiction writer basically sez it all. The real SAD thing is now there is a kid in the picture. No-one is sure who’s kid, but he has the money to choose a woman with certain look and to buy a certain sperm, doesn’t he. Weird little dude.

  30. Chris

    I pronounce you Mr. & Mr. Fudge-Packer!

  31. Danklin24

    #78, nice song, nigga

  32. Rachel

    the aliens made us all, didn’t you know?

  33. 81=don’t think I’m
    a nigga, but a couple
    more dayz in the zun
    and who knowz…lookin
    pretty dark theze dayz,
    itz fuckin hott here!

  34. yuck foo

    Ewwwww, James Packer looks like Lurch

  35. wonder how many juicy big red throbbing dicks have been sucked by him. Hey Tomcat, you need to get together with me and my buddies next weekend and stop pretending to be straight. Everyone knows that your gay. The Tomcat is out of the bag. Let’s get it on.

  36. WakeUpWorld

    I’m a Scientologist and I’ll tell you that this crazy story about Xenu is total crap. Some people in the press keep saying that this Xenu story is what Scientologists believe. This is such garbage and it’s a story repeated over and over and is intended to keep people from looking into what Scientology actually is. So why would some in the media intentionally try and keep people away from Scientology you ask? Because most media is well paid by the pharmaceutical industry. They see Scientology as a threat to their profits because it is. Scientology has many, many answers that work and are practical. Let’s look at 1 example of how the psychiatric drugging industry is hurt by Scientology technology… Let’s assume you know someone who has been depressed for several months or even years. Did you know that with Scientology you can literally snap him out of his dark days and make him feel happy again, sometimes in less than five minutes. How could this be? Because Scientology helps and works like nothing else before it. There is no need to be on a psychiatric drug everyday for the rest of your life. This is just one of thousands of solutions Scientology has and it would take literally books to tell you all it has to offer and can do. Give a Scientologist just a few minutes of your time and you’ll quickly realize what a sham psychiatry and the psychiatric drugging business is. It’s OK to be skeptical about Scientology, but don’t assume that what you’ve been told about it is actually true. Just ask yourself would all these celebrities be involved in it if didn’t help them and others tremendously?


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