Tom Cruise is reportedly performing a wedding for his friend, Australian heir James Packer, because Cruise has reached the highest level of “clear” in Scientology. And that may sound like a bunch of gobbledygook to you and me, but it makes perfectly good sense to Scientologists. Probably because they’re so smart. Any organization that would let Tom Cruise perform a wedding clearly knows what’s up.
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Cracka | June 18, 2007 at 12:55 pm
FIRST!!!!
Rachel | June 18, 2007 at 12:55 pm
FIRST??!
terryfunku | June 18, 2007 at 12:55 pm
first
Cracka | June 18, 2007 at 12:56 pm
WOOOHOOO!!!!!
FIRST BABY!!!!!!
NOW I CAN DIE KNOWING I LIVED A COMPLETE LIFE!!!!!
My mom is going to be soooo proud…… Sure I never went to college, and spent that time in a mexican jail… But now its all worth it cause I was first!!!!!
terryfunku | June 18, 2007 at 12:56 pm
correction… first 1/3
Sprite | June 18, 2007 at 12:57 pm
omgsolikegayscientologistscanperformweddings
scientologyislikesoawesomeforbeingallopen
mindedandshit
Mugspot.com | June 18, 2007 at 12:57 pm
yup
Cracka | June 18, 2007 at 12:57 pm
A wise man once said if you aint first, your last!!!
Superevil | June 18, 2007 at 12:58 pm
Can I get a show of hands as to how many people actually care about this sotry?
Jimbo | June 18, 2007 at 12:59 pm
So we go from one freak to another. Can we have a post of Courtney Love next.
wedgeone | June 18, 2007 at 1:01 pm
I thought Tom Cruise reached the highest level of queer some time ago…
free sample | June 18, 2007 at 1:02 pm
Erica Packer as a singer was barely a one hit wonder and I bet his first marriage cost him a bundle to break up.
Nobody but the king of the fax divorce should remarry billionaire Packer. Then in court he can claim they weren’t really married.
What a great legal defense. Come on, your honor, TOM Cruise officiated at the wedding? Can you say prenup nullifier 3x fast?
yukadoozer | June 18, 2007 at 1:03 pm
Oh look. Twin Ferrets. Tom’s head looks like that shrinking head guy from Beetlejuice…
Kamiki | June 18, 2007 at 1:04 pm
Does he get to bumfuck the groom after the ceremony too?
LL | June 18, 2007 at 1:04 pm
It’s becoming “clear” (see how I did that? How droll…) why Scientologists tried to keep their shit secret for so long. The more we learn about their goofy-ass religion, the crazier they look for believing any of it. Seriously, they make all the other religions look sane by comparison. And that is effin scary. I’m beginning to think of Scientologists the same way I’ve come to think of Republicans – that if you call yourself one now, that makes you instantly stupid in my book. I don’t want to do that, but they’ve left me no choice.
And I think Katie is turning into Tom. Pretty soon, she’ll shrink 4 inches and be sporting a 5 o’clock shadow. Then she’ll jump on Oprah’s couch and her transformation will be complete and Suri will have 2 daddies.
DancingQueen | June 18, 2007 at 1:04 pm
I just have to say it… Wait for it…
TCLTC!!!!
mrs.t | June 18, 2007 at 1:08 pm
Didn’t he also try to deliver baby Suri? Now he wants to be a priest?
He has the most severe case of Little Man Syndrome ever documented.
And he’s boring.
Jessica | June 18, 2007 at 1:10 pm
#15 – nice lol I completely agree :D
p0nk | June 18, 2007 at 1:12 pm
How dare he pretend he’s a priest! Only true priest are qualified to perform marriage ceremonies, because they are very spirtual men who’ve devoted their entire lives to God, and they have the highest moral integrity.
Except for the whole raping-altarboys thing.
cc | June 18, 2007 at 1:13 pm
creepy and short
YouRang | June 18, 2007 at 1:18 pm
#19 I think the “raping-alterboys thing” is why he wants to be a priest.
TCLTC
UNWASHEDMASSES | June 18, 2007 at 1:19 pm
If being ordained a priest in Scientology involves fellating ten guys in a glory holed confessional and being able to insert a man’s head up your rectum without the benefit of lubrication, then this is old news. Tom’s been a priest since he was sixteen.
And as for #15, most Scientologists are also Democrats. Says alot about the way their minds are wired, doesn’t it.
Jimbo | June 18, 2007 at 1:20 pm
@19 p0nk – I thought that was one of the bennies of the job?
MGF | June 18, 2007 at 1:21 pm
“By the power invested in me by the state of insanity, I now pronounce you theton and wife…’
jus'stupid | June 18, 2007 at 1:21 pm
I guess he can study his gay ass religion since he hasn’t taken the time to make a decent film in years.
MGF | June 18, 2007 at 1:21 pm
“By the power invested in me by the state of insanity, I now pronounce you theton and wife…’
Bern | June 18, 2007 at 1:22 pm
I’d rather have Pacman Jones do my wedding … maybe someone from his entourage could shoot my “wife” afterward, to save me from the horrible mistake of getting married.
Boba Fett | June 18, 2007 at 1:23 pm
All rise…….Reverend Cruise presiding.
WASHEDUPCOMMENTER | June 18, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Most members of the KKK and other established hate groups are also Republicans. Says alot (actually, “a lot”) about the way their minds are wired, doesn’t it.
TCLTC | June 18, 2007 at 1:29 pm
TCLTC!!!
I wonder how much that billionaire had to donate to the “Church” of $camatology to have Tom “I Love The Cock” Cruise preside over the wedding.
pekpek | June 18, 2007 at 1:31 pm
White Republicans or Democrats are all racists regardless. Democrats are just better at pretending they’re not.
kepkep | June 18, 2007 at 1:36 pm
Except for the fact that Democrats wrote all the recent civil rights laws and then the Republicans rolled them back when they took over the majority, I totally agree.
jus'stupid | June 18, 2007 at 1:36 pm
Tom isn’t racist, he will suck any color penis.
YouRang | June 18, 2007 at 1:36 pm
Wasn’t L. Ron Hubbards entire motivation to create a religion motivated by his desire to fuck young boys? It should be no surprise Tom Cruise heard about this cult and said “I’m all in.”
mrs.t | June 18, 2007 at 1:37 pm
But black Democrats and Republicans are never racist. Nope, never, ever have I met a racist black person regardless of political leanings. That’s right, blacks never have to pretend at anything, because there are no racist blacks.
hollyj | June 18, 2007 at 1:41 pm
Catholics take marriage and family planning directives from a geriatric man who’s never married or had sex. Pentcostals dance around with rattlesnakes. Mormons have to wear special undies. Buddhists believe that the modern Dalai Lama is the reincarnation of the last one (13th). The Taoists utilize Feng Shui because they think how they set their furniture will affect their life. Muslims believe that they must shave their entire body prior to Gihad in order to get waited on by 72 virgins in the Afterlife. Hindus believe that by burning widows alive with the bodies of their dead husbands, you can prevent women from poisoning their mates. Nature worshipers think trees and dirt will take commands from them if they say the write words. Satanists believe in a firey corridor with a menacing ex-angel with horns and a tail sitting on a throne, as seen in cartoons.
Scientology is completely fucked up, but probably not much more than any of the others.
hollyj | June 18, 2007 at 1:43 pm
*right* ..not write
mrs.t | June 18, 2007 at 1:43 pm
mormons have to wear special undies? really? please elaborate, hollyj!
lambman | June 18, 2007 at 1:48 pm
Can we just give Scientology some land, and declair it its own country or something? Cause I really want there to be a way for us legally to bomb the celebrity center
Blackout | June 18, 2007 at 1:50 pm
I want to see Holly’s special undies…and Katies
TigerLilly | June 18, 2007 at 2:01 pm
Peter Pan, didn’t you tell me that Tom was your old boyfriend? I also remember that a Republican priest tried to suck your little Peter when you were younger.
MargeAggedon | June 18, 2007 at 2:11 pm
Why not? Pedophiles in dresses marry people every day and no one seems too concerned about that.
Alex | June 18, 2007 at 2:13 pm
#36
You forgot the most important one and the only one you should give two shits about or disclose doctrine as to find something funny to the secular…what YOU believe.
The Stark Fist of Removal | June 18, 2007 at 2:21 pm
THIS POST WAS CONSIDERED BLAPHEMY AND HAS BEEN REMOVED PER ORDERS OF REVEREND J.R. DOBBS
JumpinJS | June 18, 2007 at 2:24 pm
This figures. We all agree that Tom is nuts. One lone Republican stuck in his parent’s basement makes a stupid dumbass statement about Democrats, then all the Democrats kneejerk and start slinging back. Really mature folks. Yeah, and yo’ mama. Oh snap, I went there! So much for the warning of “Inappropriate comments may be removed”.
That does it. I’m going to Church Of Mary Poppins because everyone knows she’s practically perfect in every way. Either that, or the Church Of Cheese. Because everyone loves cheese. I’m a cheddar person.
Katie's untouched vagina | June 18, 2007 at 2:34 pm
yeah all religions are based on fucked up ideas and led by fucked up people. but Scientology – at least right now – is dominated by the most empty-headed narcissistic celebrities. plus it’s clearly a mind-control treatment for people with psychiatric problems and/or a lack of courage (to be openly gay, for example). so killing all Scientologist would be especially thrilling.
jrzmommy | June 18, 2007 at 2:35 pm
GOD he’s SUCH a short little faggot!
Hagar7 | June 18, 2007 at 2:42 pm
Unfortunately, Scientology has been granted the status of a legitimate religion by the Australian government, so a wedding performed by Tom Cruise is legitimate and binding, as stupid and terrifying as it sounds.
Ooba Gooba | June 18, 2007 at 2:44 pm
#27: AWESOME!! Marriage is a HUGE mistake!
What I want to know is when does ol’ Tom get to speak to the aliens?
mr.mercenary | June 18, 2007 at 2:45 pm
I hate this site because of these dumb punks who keep yelling FIRST