Tom Cruise is a priest-like thing

June 18th, 2007 // 86 Comments

Tom Cruise is reportedly performing a wedding for his friend, Australian heir James Packer, because Cruise has reached the highest level of “clear” in Scientology. And that may sound like a bunch of gobbledygook to you and me, but it makes perfectly good sense to Scientologists. Probably because they’re so smart. Any organization that would let Tom Cruise perform a wedding clearly knows what’s up.



  1. Cracka


  2. Rachel


  3. terryfunku


  4. Cracka


    FIRST BABY!!!!!!


    My mom is going to be soooo proud…… Sure I never went to college, and spent that time in a mexican jail… But now its all worth it cause I was first!!!!!

  5. terryfunku

    correction… first 1/3

  6. Sprite


  7. Cracka

    A wise man once said if you aint first, your last!!!

  8. Superevil

    Can I get a show of hands as to how many people actually care about this sotry?

  9. Jimbo

    So we go from one freak to another. Can we have a post of Courtney Love next.

  10. wedgeone

    I thought Tom Cruise reached the highest level of queer some time ago…

  11. Erica Packer as a singer was barely a one hit wonder and I bet his first marriage cost him a bundle to break up.

    Nobody but the king of the fax divorce should remarry billionaire Packer. Then in court he can claim they weren’t really married.

    What a great legal defense. Come on, your honor, TOM Cruise officiated at the wedding? Can you say prenup nullifier 3x fast?

  12. yukadoozer

    Oh look. Twin Ferrets. Tom’s head looks like that shrinking head guy from Beetlejuice…

  13. Kamiki

    Does he get to bumfuck the groom after the ceremony too?

  14. LL

    It’s becoming “clear” (see how I did that? How droll…) why Scientologists tried to keep their shit secret for so long. The more we learn about their goofy-ass religion, the crazier they look for believing any of it. Seriously, they make all the other religions look sane by comparison. And that is effin scary. I’m beginning to think of Scientologists the same way I’ve come to think of Republicans – that if you call yourself one now, that makes you instantly stupid in my book. I don’t want to do that, but they’ve left me no choice.

    And I think Katie is turning into Tom. Pretty soon, she’ll shrink 4 inches and be sporting a 5 o’clock shadow. Then she’ll jump on Oprah’s couch and her transformation will be complete and Suri will have 2 daddies.

  15. DancingQueen

    I just have to say it… Wait for it…


  16. mrs.t

    Didn’t he also try to deliver baby Suri? Now he wants to be a priest?

    He has the most severe case of Little Man Syndrome ever documented.

    And he’s boring.

  17. Jessica

    #15 – nice lol I completely agree :D

  18. p0nk

    How dare he pretend he’s a priest! Only true priest are qualified to perform marriage ceremonies, because they are very spirtual men who’ve devoted their entire lives to God, and they have the highest moral integrity.

    Except for the whole raping-altarboys thing.

  19. cc

    creepy and short

  20. YouRang

    #19 I think the “raping-alterboys thing” is why he wants to be a priest.


  21. If being ordained a priest in Scientology involves fellating ten guys in a glory holed confessional and being able to insert a man’s head up your rectum without the benefit of lubrication, then this is old news. Tom’s been a priest since he was sixteen.

    And as for #15, most Scientologists are also Democrats. Says alot about the way their minds are wired, doesn’t it.

  22. Jimbo

    @19 p0nk – I thought that was one of the bennies of the job?

  23. MGF

    “By the power invested in me by the state of insanity, I now pronounce you theton and wife…’

  24. jus'stupid

    I guess he can study his gay ass religion since he hasn’t taken the time to make a decent film in years.

  25. MGF

    “By the power invested in me by the state of insanity, I now pronounce you theton and wife…’

  26. I’d rather have Pacman Jones do my wedding … maybe someone from his entourage could shoot my “wife” afterward, to save me from the horrible mistake of getting married.

  27. All rise…….Reverend Cruise presiding.

  28. Most members of the KKK and other established hate groups are also Republicans. Says alot (actually, “a lot”) about the way their minds are wired, doesn’t it.

  29. TCLTC


    I wonder how much that billionaire had to donate to the “Church” of $camatology to have Tom “I Love The Cock” Cruise preside over the wedding.

  30. pekpek

    White Republicans or Democrats are all racists regardless. Democrats are just better at pretending they’re not.

  31. kepkep

    Except for the fact that Democrats wrote all the recent civil rights laws and then the Republicans rolled them back when they took over the majority, I totally agree.

  32. jus'stupid

    Tom isn’t racist, he will suck any color penis.

  33. YouRang

    Wasn’t L. Ron Hubbards entire motivation to create a religion motivated by his desire to fuck young boys? It should be no surprise Tom Cruise heard about this cult and said “I’m all in.”

  34. mrs.t

    But black Democrats and Republicans are never racist. Nope, never, ever have I met a racist black person regardless of political leanings. That’s right, blacks never have to pretend at anything, because there are no racist blacks.

  35. hollyj

    Catholics take marriage and family planning directives from a geriatric man who’s never married or had sex. Pentcostals dance around with rattlesnakes. Mormons have to wear special undies. Buddhists believe that the modern Dalai Lama is the reincarnation of the last one (13th). The Taoists utilize Feng Shui because they think how they set their furniture will affect their life. Muslims believe that they must shave their entire body prior to Gihad in order to get waited on by 72 virgins in the Afterlife. Hindus believe that by burning widows alive with the bodies of their dead husbands, you can prevent women from poisoning their mates. Nature worshipers think trees and dirt will take commands from them if they say the write words. Satanists believe in a firey corridor with a menacing ex-angel with horns and a tail sitting on a throne, as seen in cartoons.

    Scientology is completely fucked up, but probably not much more than any of the others.

  36. hollyj

    *right* ..not write

  37. mrs.t

    mormons have to wear special undies? really? please elaborate, hollyj!

  38. lambman

    Can we just give Scientology some land, and declair it its own country or something? Cause I really want there to be a way for us legally to bomb the celebrity center

  39. Blackout

    I want to see Holly’s special undies…and Katies

  40. TigerLilly

    Peter Pan, didn’t you tell me that Tom was your old boyfriend? I also remember that a Republican priest tried to suck your little Peter when you were younger.

  41. MargeAggedon

    Why not? Pedophiles in dresses marry people every day and no one seems too concerned about that.

  42. #36

    You forgot the most important one and the only one you should give two shits about or disclose doctrine as to find something funny to the secular…what YOU believe.


  44. JumpinJS

    This figures. We all agree that Tom is nuts. One lone Republican stuck in his parent’s basement makes a stupid dumbass statement about Democrats, then all the Democrats kneejerk and start slinging back. Really mature folks. Yeah, and yo’ mama. Oh snap, I went there! So much for the warning of “Inappropriate comments may be removed”.

    That does it. I’m going to Church Of Mary Poppins because everyone knows she’s practically perfect in every way. Either that, or the Church Of Cheese. Because everyone loves cheese. I’m a cheddar person.

  45. Katie's untouched vagina

    yeah all religions are based on fucked up ideas and led by fucked up people. but Scientology – at least right now – is dominated by the most empty-headed narcissistic celebrities. plus it’s clearly a mind-control treatment for people with psychiatric problems and/or a lack of courage (to be openly gay, for example). so killing all Scientologist would be especially thrilling.

  46. jrzmommy

    GOD he’s SUCH a short little faggot!

  47. Hagar7

    Unfortunately, Scientology has been granted the status of a legitimate religion by the Australian government, so a wedding performed by Tom Cruise is legitimate and binding, as stupid and terrifying as it sounds.

  48. Ooba Gooba

    #27: AWESOME!! Marriage is a HUGE mistake!

    What I want to know is when does ol’ Tom get to speak to the aliens?

  49. mr.mercenary

    I hate this site because of these dumb punks who keep yelling FIRST

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