Tom Cruise hugs from the crotch

July 17th, 2006 // 93 Comments

Tom Cruise presented Steven Spielberg with The Golden Hugo Award at the 42nd Annual Chicago International Film Festival on Saturday. And because he’s Tom Cruise he had to give Spielberg an awkward crotch hug instead of the socially acceptable chest hug. Does that make him gay? Of course not. The homosexual intercourse he has with men does. But not the hug. The hug just proves he enjoys touching his balls to another man’s balls. And why wouldn’t he? He’s Tom Cruise. And I don’t want to live in a world where Tom Cruise doens’t love the feel of balls.


  1. Nikk The Templar


  2. jane's eyre

    Have a corndog, Zanna, and you’ll feel better.

  3. missmermaid



    Coffee just shot out of my nostrils- ow ow OW!


  4. missmermaid

    I bet TC’s suits all have flaps on the bum like old-fashioned longjohns, so he doesn’t even have to get fully undressed when he takes it up his chocolate starfish.

  5. jFp

    Real men never get this close to each other unless there is a naked woman in the middle.

  6. It’s actually a scene from their latest collaboration. Tentatively entitled, “The Man Who Liked Shoving Gold-Plated Things Up His Rectum,” the powerful film chronicles the true life story of little Timmy McBunghole. McBunghole, long dead of AIDS, was a pioneer in the use of the gay ruse known as “bearding”, wherein a blatantly queer man marries a supposedly straight woman in an attempt to be more socially accepted and keep his deviant lifestyle under wraps. This particular shot is when McBunghole (Cruise) is about to come clean (out) before already wise family and friends. In a shrewd casting choice, Cruise’s long-suffering wife in the film is portrayed by his real life love and mother to his invisible child, Kate Holmes.

  7. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    You guys, if Tom Cruise was gay, then why would Suri have so much hair? I mean, she has SO MUCH HAIR!

  8. Mr. Fritz

    Since MI3 bombed, Tom Cruise needs a sugar daddy. He needs someone to keep him in dildos for the rest of his life. I wonder if Katie gets turned on by this type of grinding.

  9. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    If you hug Lindsay Lohan like that you better be wearing pants made out of Kevlar.

  10. sillyrabbit

    TC is actually PULLING the package in closer to him with his right hand. Down and to the right; the video should be gone through slow motion here a la Zapruder.

  11. DancingQueen

    Now it totally makes sense why his movie was called “Cocktail.”

  12. bigponie

    tom: are you ready steven?

    steven: yes tom, I’m ready

    tom: then unzip your pants real slow so no one will notice…

  13. francesfarmer

    It will take weeks for Spielberg to wipe that stink off of him, I bet he secretly likes Tom Cruise warm furry crotch though

  14. Artemis


  15. tom : “steve-o, you know i love you, man.”

    steven : “uh, (awkward laugh), yeah, tom, i know, i, uh, love you too, man.”

    tom : “no, i mean i really love you. do you feel that…that’s my cock and balls. my cock and balls love you to, steve-o…and that’s not gay, that’s just real.”

    steven : “um…ok, tom, thanks man,” (trying to pull away)

    tom : “hey, listen…i’m gonna need you to shove this award thingy up my bum…”

    steven: “um, tom, people are kinda staring, i think they want me to make an acceptance speech.”

    tom: “look at me, steven, right here, look…they’re all glib…”

    steven: “um, ok, tom…”

    tom: “i’ll be right back stage, you and me, steve-o…bring the award thingy…love you, man.”

    …and scene…

  16. He’s just helping Speilberg wipe some soup off his crotch that he accidentally spilled backstage….carful Tom, if you wipe too much that “Other” stain will appear.

    Dude, this guy is gayer than the audience at Cher’s farewell tour.

  17. Italian Stallion

    @50 Can we stop talking about this *sniff* *sniff* It was hard enough for me to bring it up on my own. I did always wonder why when I would tell girls I want a hug, they would actually hug me. Later I learned the term Blow Job but they would just giggle and run away………………..

  18. HA, its nothing we dont already know TOm HAHA

  19. I think that Tom has a right to be gay and be married if he so chooses. Just not to a woman. LOL

  20. spatz

    sherry co stays up nights and dreams that even she, one day could be crotch-hugged by TC.

  21. Justin Igger

    why yall sayin tom cruise is gay, i don’t think he gay. but what do i know affer all i am Justin Igger.

  22. Spielberg looks terrified, and Tom Cruise looks like a predatory raptor straight out of Jurassic Park. Scary stuff indeed.

  23. Libraesque

    OH!! BARF! It looks like Spielberg has a BIG OL’ hard on too, creeping up his left side.AAKKKK! SSLTC too

  24. francesfarmer

    OK I know this is way off topic but this is just too fucking funny not to share, and who knows when we’ll get another MJ thread

  25. hopeless_screenwriter

    @67 My therapist suggests that I stop hiding behind my past trauma’s and I agree I feel so much better lately sharing my childhood molestations. I too “sniff” was a bit traumatized when I learned the difference between ‘Hug’ and ‘Head’. If I just look at a frozen banana it makes me gag. Looking at the trophy brought me back. Thanks for listening.

    @62 Thanks for bringing me back as well. But it was more like, “Turn around slowly and close your eyes…you will get a big surprise.”

  26. chelleann66

    TCLTC AND balls

  27. BoognishRising

    This Justin Igger shit is getting tiresome.

  28. Sir Psycho Sexy

    29. He keeps it, in part. It’s inverted to construct a ‘vagina’.

    77. Is anyone amused by Vanilla Ice doing negro jokes? Igger is the new lametard.

  29. Is it just me or does the Oscar thingy look disturbingly like a dildo?

  30. musashi42

    Is that a Dong Master 3000 he’s holding?

  31. hopeless_screenwriter

    I’m last….. ha….last, last, last, last, last, last, yeah hooo. Hello? Anyone. Anyone. Last sucks.

  32. Vas Deferens

    Now, if I did not know who these two guys were and you showed me this picture, I would presume that after this image was taken the next logical step was that the old man with the beard got that gold dildo in his asshole.

  33. MonkeyBoy

    They are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, they’d like to hear it.

  34. bakismaki

    Haaa Haaa that pic is so ambigiously gay duo.

  35. Shelley Bonnechance

    Spielberg looks like he’s got some bad engram mojo comin’ in. aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh….

  36. Nameless

    Now Tom, what did I tell you about hugging crotch to crotch hm?

    I seriously do feel that they’re happy, I mean look at their faces. Even if I was looking for the most horrible, degrading, shit loading, three some on the face of this earth, I’d never be able to come between that.

    At least he’s not afraid of public displays of emotion.

    Nice one Tom.

  37. hopeless_screenwriter

    I’m last again… ha, ha, last, last, last. Yippee!!!!

  38. pinochio

    Tom: Stev.. I miss doin that thing with you…

    Steven: well, you know honey, I would if your penis will just grow.

    Tom: I will! I will make it GROW!

    Stev: and it would be a lot easier if you are as tall as K-
    Tom: You’ve been doing it with KEVIN?! Oh you bad, bad man! Boo hoo…

    Stev: well, I meant Kate, you remember your wife, Kate?

    Tom: ….oh.. Right, hmm you know, Kevin is kind of good, maybe we can do a threesome together.

  39. spiderwomen

    you are jealous. it’s almost funny, but mostly sad so i hesitate to laugh. sleep well.

  40. ATX

    All men under 5’4″ tall like to bump dicks with other men. Didn’t you know?

  41. Joey bag o' donuts

    These two tube tarzans need to take Hugo the Dildo and get a room. Why is Robin Williams standing in for Spielberg?

  42. primaleyes

    What are those two guys so happy about? They made the pile of crap known as ‘ War of the Worlds ‘… which is enough reason to cry!

    I wish I could get paid to make garbage!

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