Tom Cruise has no sense of humor

March 17th, 2006 // 154 Comments

*tom_cruise_south_park.jpgTom Cruise got Comedy Central to cancel Wednesday night’s South Park episode about Scientology by warning that he’d refuse to promote Mission Impossible 3, insiders say. Since Paramount is banking on MI3 to make money this summer, and Paramount is owned by Viacom, which also owns Comedy Central, the tactic worked. The South Park episode – which pokes fun at Scientology and shows Cruise, John Travolta and R. Kelly – was mysteriously pulled at the last minute.

Well thank goodness Tom got the episode pulled; otherwise people might start thinking Scientology was weird or something. I don’t know at what point Tom became such a jackass, though it’s a well known fact that short people are intrinsically evil and must be destroyed. Hey, it’s right there in the Bible, right after the part where Jesus flies around around the Earth to reverse time and save Lois.



  1. Jay from the Bay

    #99 Well, in that case…Tom and E.T. sitting in a tree, F.*.C.K.I.N.G…

  2. j4psKor3anscHiNk5,OhMy!

    I suggest people have a look at this article

    Reveals quite abit of the illegal activities Hubbard was involved.

    More reference:

  3. moonh8sun

    first off

    ive been reading up on scientology lately
    insane that anyone that reads anything about this cult would even consider jumping into it

    there is a website called factnet that exposes cults and their uses of torture and the effect it has on its victims

    really fucking disturbing to read

    second always loved katie can’t believe she is falling for this
    hoping she can get out and away from this before its too late

    and third
    found on
    matt and treys official response to this

    good for them
    they aint laying down

    form variety~~~~~~~~>

    While the “South Park” creators didn’t directly comment on Comedy Central’s decision to pull the episode, they issued an unusual statement to Daily Variety indicating the battle is not over.

    “So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun! Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!”

    The duo signed the statement “Trey Parker and Matt Stone, servants of the dark lord Xenu.”


  4. xaputa

    Quoting –> “FACTNet name the entire South Park TV Show Staff our FACTNet Person(s) of the Year for 2005.

    Damn…it should have been us…

  5. Ficklemeelmo

    Tom Cruise is the new Brando. When is this crazy fucker going to get fat, buy an island and go away?

  6. bunnyhugger

    jay, that may have been the funniest thing i’ve seen today
    (i think i just wet myself)!!

  7. lomies

    This makes no sense to me. Don’t these people work with something called contracts? Contracts are what keep people from doing whatever the fuck they want.

    So I suppose Tom can just waltz into Comedy Central headquarters tomorrow and threaten not to promote MI3 if everyone doesn’t bend over and lick his ass. This has got to be a case of Tom sucking the right person off.

  8. bunnyhugger

    of course, according to the same “variety” artical, tom’s people deny all.

    as much as i’d hate to be their kid, i’d hate to be the person that cleans up after him, even more. makes cleaning up after the circus elephants look like a picnic.

  9. Aimlessway

    Of course he has no sense of humour. Remember the water gun incidence?

  10. BarbadoSlim

    HAIL XENU!!!

  11. cat

    tom cruise has tried to censor the media? “this time you have gone too far, tom cruise. now you must die.”

    * post martial art movie with bad dubbing link here showing CHUCK NORRIS kicking weeny tom cruise ass*

  12. cat

    p.s., tomcruise does not like the cock. he loves it.

  13. Don'tPanic

    Thank you to everyone who posted a link to the episode, I have not seen it yet, and that’s where I’m going right now….FUCK YOU TOM CRUISE.

  14. paige

    #20 – talking to yourself again?

  15. bellabsue

    I know at one time all the founders and head “church aliens I mean leaders were all in jail for various reasons (tax avasion for one). That includes L. Ron’s widow. I guess they don’t pay taxes on Tom’s planet Analovust. I honestly don’t know how John Travolta is going to play a cross dresser in his next film and the church be alright with that. I no longer support either of their films and haven’t for a couple of years. I would also state that I don’t support their fellow scientologists jenna elfman (dharma & gregg) and lisa marie presley. However, their “work” already sucks so that goes without stating.

  16. krisdylee

    That crazy Scientology is scaring the living bejesus outta me… What the fuck are these people up to? What’s really scary is that some really smart people fall pray to this bullshit, and when they finally wake up, they are too intimidated by the higher-ups to break away… Yikes…..

  17. j4psKor3anscHiNk5,OhMy!

    Scientology only offers a false hope of reality that shows you a window for which there is resemblance of insanity. The most brilliant of men and women can fall susceptible of sex, drugs, and false hope Scientology provides. I suggest everyone read up on it and decide for yourselves where you stand upon this issue of Tom Cruise and power hugry “scientologist.” Remember, control someone’s faith and dreams, you control their lives.

  18. Pez_D_Spencer

    104 – so an anti-scientologist group named a group of people that include a prominent scientologist as their people of the year? That’s odd…. Kinda like Ukranians for Stalin, or a Bosnian Salute to Arkan’s Tigers.

  19. gammanormids

    Big deal… people have already seen it once, or downloaded or even tape it for God’s sake. If he wants us to stop thinking he is a loony, he will never do that…
    This is just a tantrum, whatsoever, my kids’s tantrums have more argument.

  20. Pez_D_Spencer

    112 – That is simply not true. Tom does not like the cock, nor does he love it. He just holds it in his mouth until the swelling goes down.

  21. Evangelia

    i don’t even watch south park regularly, but i gotta see this one.
    tom cruise pulled this stunt to draw attention to scientology, OBVIOUSLY.
    the thetans…is that a frat full of hot guys? no wonder tom is so into thetans!

  22. aura

    That episode sounds like it would have been funny. I hope that after MI3 is done with promotions… South Park will take their revenge. They’ll be even better equipped later on, because Tom Cruise gets crazier & more annoying with each passing day.

  23. Internet, I believe you’ve been pwned and a couple of half-assed cartoonists from Colorado have once again played you like a violin for their own economic gain. When will you learn?

  24. LinguisticAnthro

    #123, why would you say everyone was “pwned?” (A loathsome, idiotic pseudo-word, to be sure.) Because Comedy Central and Tom Cruise are denying this story? Did it not occur to you that they have economic reasons for denying that this occured? Comedy Central is under orders from Viacom, and Tom Cruise is covering his ass.

  25. BarbadoSlim

    when you read this
    it appears that they, comedy central, not only agreed to not air the episode they also told Matt and Trey to refrain from making any public statement that would publicly humiliate mr. cruise.

    Ps:mr. cruise thinks that cock is COOOOoooool..

  26. gsprescueguy

    Well, so much for freedom of speech and expression Tommy-girl.

    Thank you for preaching you socialist prick on your own platform, but if someone else wants a forum, you use your pseudo power to scare your bitches about a movie that will probably be about as good as the first two.

    Boycott his movies? Boycott his life!

    Thank you to superficial for not restricting our freedom of speech, but look out, there might be a microscopic, closet queen, looking to do it for you.

    Tom, Scientology is a cult not a religion.

    Katie, run away.

  27. magickal

    I honestly am going to go to church tomorrow and light one of those little candles and pray that Tom will die soon.

    And, who gives a crap about MI3??? Or anything that weasly little bastard does? He is the slime that lies between two wrinkles in a baboon’s ass. He is the epitome of everything that is wrong with this world. Because of Tom, the terrorists have won.

  28. HughJorganthethird

    Hey wasn’t he in the movie Risky Buisness?

    I thought I recognized him.

  29. Dee

    i hate him more and more everyday…lets hope he self destructs soon…must be a Napolean complex with this dumb troll.

  30. SerialCeleb

    South Park should do an episode where isaac hayes is sucking tom’s dick in the closet, complete with slurp noises and tom telling isaac he did well by quitting the show.

  31. I thought this had already been shown? It’s been available to download for a couple of months now.

    Watch the episode, it’s absolutely hilarious – they say the words “Tom Cruis won’t come out of the closet” about 30 times in a couple of minutes.

  32. #124 – I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that this rumor is being circulated only days before Season 7 goes on sale (Tues); Just like it was pure happenstance that somebody whispered to the British press about this same episode and fears of a lawsuit, a mere week before SP episodes were made availble for purchase from iTunes.

  33. LinguisticAnthro

    Looks like we found the Tom Cruise fan, and his name is discreet_chaos.

  34. Anie900

    that episode IS funny as hell… good stuff

  35. gogoboots

    I don’t get him, he’s just plain weird, as if the South Park episode would change our minds about Scientology. In fact, it would have been better for him to just ignore it, like he does sanity.

  36. gogoboots

    That was a fuckin’ great episode. The whole out of the closet thing was hilarious!

  37. I don’t care about Tom Cruise, but I’m disappointed that Isaac Hayes left the show. Chef!

  38. URalllosers

    Tom could buy and sell all you idiots. Katie is hot. Scientology is totally real, and none of you are going to get beamed up to the mothership when the prophecy is fulfilled. So there!!!

  39. AnnoyingPseud

    I hate Tom Cruise and his GoBrite, unnaturally huge Chicklet smile he flashes to cover up the fact he’s braindead. I’m totally boycotting his supid movies as he sucks the big one acting wise. Katie’s big fat honking herpetic lesion was featured prominently on a tabloid I saw at the checkout this week. I can only pray she sucked his shrivelled little boy cocktail weeney and gave him a nice case of lesions on th tiny flap of skin. And those things hurt like a son of a bitch, at least the ones I get on my lip do, so imagine what it feels like down there! Buwha!!! I get all tingly thinking of TC with oozing, itchy, weeping lesions on his dick.

    No wonder he hasn’t any sense of humor left. Those dick sores really sap a guy of his funny boner.

  40. mamacita

    O.K., you guys have GOT to watch this video on youtube. It is hilarious!!! It’s Tom Cruise’s psychotic visit to Oprah voiced over by “Isaac Hayes”. Check it out.

  41. #138, Hmm, well if the fact that Tom could buy and sell all of us makes him right. Well then how about this. Donald Trump, Biill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, etc… could all buy and sell them. Since being able to buy and sell seens to be your way of judging people being right, then I guess, they are more right than him….and guess what, none of them are Scientologists. Oh Gosh! What will Tom do?!?!? Katie might need to use a bigger strap-on to calm him down.

  42. mamadough

    so it has been decided that he’s an over-zealous, censoring prick. i think everyone should boycott his shitty movie, therefore making him and viacom loose out on some money. that’s what they get for censoring anyone, those assholes.
    south park rocks hard. i hope they have an episode where chef (God love him until now) kills tom by getting him in the ass and his body ruptures apart. indeed.

  43. bunnyhugger

    #1, i forgot to mention.

    the public IS revolting.

  44. christee

    katie doesn’t have “herpes.” it’s all in her head.
    even though scientology is a massive lot of horseshit, i have decided it’s also the perfect way to get back at someone who pissed you off. monica jenkins, if i have the address right, you’ll be hearing from some verrry special people. i mean thetans. i mean, really, verrry special. bitch.

  45. gatsby2216

    Well I think that all religions are basis for the butt end of jokes. There is none that is left untouched…what’s the deal. If Scientology was a founded, respected religion of some sort. THE ROOT WORD WOULD NOT BE “SCIENCE” OOPS. That means now we have angered all the highly educated Scientists around the world…great. Here we go…another merry-go-round.
    Just like the world…..always going round.

  46. christee

    #145-ditto. and, it wouldn’t have been founded in 1952. seriously, there are a lot more stupid asses in the world than i previously believed. and, if anyone is interested, i have a cult, er, religion that follows the teachings of the tooth fairy. see, you wear these “wings” that represent the ability to prevent oral decay (b/c it is our faith that all dentists are evil, and they only want your money). and, we wear this “tiara” that gives us special mental abilities. for further information, please send 50g’s to “toothyology, bumfuck, la.” the post man knows…oh yeah, he knows.

  47. URalllosers

    #140 thanks for the link! Always appreciated! Tom truly is better than all of you. It’s undeniable. Of course, aren’t they all…celebrities I mean.

  48. Well, you coulda at least mentioned in your article that is was a re-run that was canceled…

    I don’t watch South Park so I thought this was new news, hehe…

  49. mystical

    I laughed my ass off with the “out of the closet” bit. Tom is such a jackass. I want to see the episode again.

  50. Gavin

    Being a person of the 90′s I would like to add the suggestion that Tom follows the good example that was set up just for him by Kurt Cobain… I was just caught up to speed on this scientology junk by a coworker today. We had a good laugh about it. Sounds more like the plot to an episode of Transformers or something…

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