Tom Cruise got Xenu’d in the anus

By: The Superficial / May 10, 2010

During his divorce from Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise was apparently “audited” by Scientology member Marty Rathbun who has since defected and started a blog detailing the various fuckeries of L. Ron’s pyramid scheme. On Friday, Marty blogged that Tom’s confessions became a source of entertainment for Scientology head David Miscavige:

Well, my suspicions about DM’s real purposes for recording Tom’s confessions have been confirmed as warranted. I have recently learned from a very reliable witness that DM regularly held court with others in his personal lounge in the roadside Villas at the Int base, and while sipping scotch whiskey at the end of the night, Miscavige would read Tom’s overts and withholds from my reports to others, joking and laughing about the content of Tom’s confessions. My witness is unimpeachable in my eyes as his account contains too many accurate details from someone who had zero reason (or ability) for being anywhere near Tom’s folders, videos and reports direct to DM. I also know he was a regular, preferred guest at DM’s scotch night caps during that period.

I’m going to be completely honest here: I would shoot each and every one of you in the face just to read one page of those documents. That’s how badly I want to know the origins of Nicole Kidman’s perma-grin.

Subject: “Tiny Dancer” Confession File 2001.10.5.

cont from page 4…

TD: She saw the penis.

Audit: The whole penis?

TD: The whole penis.

Audit: What did you do?

TD: By that point I had already covered it in mayo, oregano, tomatoes. Pretty much the perfect sandwich, you know what I mean?

Audit: How did she react?

TD: Well, let’s just say I saved a bundle on Botox that year. High five!

Auditor’s Note: Subject began weeping uncontrollably before taking the fetal position inside a coffee cup and humming Kenny Loggin’s “Danger Zone.” Session to be concluded at a later date.

TAM CRUISE IS AWSOME!“

Addendum: Apologies, subject hopped across keyboard when I turned my back.

Photos: Splash News