Tom Cruise got Xenu’d in the anus

May 10th, 2010 // 27 Comments

During his divorce from Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise was apparently “audited” by Scientology member Marty Rathbun who has since defected and started a blog detailing the various fuckeries of L. Ron’s pyramid scheme. On Friday, Marty blogged that Tom’s confessions became a source of entertainment for Scientology head David Miscavige:

Well, my suspicions about DM’s real purposes for recording Tom’s confessions have been confirmed as warranted. I have recently learned from a very reliable witness that DM regularly held court with others in his personal lounge in the roadside Villas at the Int base, and while sipping scotch whiskey at the end of the night, Miscavige would read Tom’s overts and withholds from my reports to others, joking and laughing about the content of Tom’s confessions. My witness is unimpeachable in my eyes as his account contains too many accurate details from someone who had zero reason (or ability) for being anywhere near Tom’s folders, videos and reports direct to DM. I also know he was a regular, preferred guest at DM’s scotch night caps during that period.

I’m going to be completely honest here: I would shoot each and every one of you in the face just to read one page of those documents. That’s how badly I want to know the origins of Nicole Kidman’s perma-grin.

Subject: “Tiny Dancer” Confession File 2001.10.5.

cont from page 4…

TD: She saw the penis.

Audit: The whole penis?

TD: The whole penis.

Audit: What did you do?

TD: By that point I had already covered it in mayo, oregano, tomatoes. Pretty much the perfect sandwich, you know what I mean?

Audit: How did she react?

TD: Well, let’s just say I saved a bundle on Botox that year. High five!

Auditor’s Note: Subject began weeping uncontrollably before taking the fetal position inside a coffee cup and humming Kenny Loggin’s “Danger Zone.” Session to be concluded at a later date.


Addendum: Apologies, subject hopped across keyboard when I turned my back.

Photos: Splash News

  1. tor


  2. cuntychops


  3. He is looking better these days good on him better off alone

  4. frankinSloth

    wow… the HOMEPAGE theme for superficial looks like somebody ate a bowl of annoying and then puked it up online.

  5. RoboZombie

    $cientology to release the lawyers in 3…2…1

  6. Drundel

    Wow, as much as I think Scientology is a joke, that is pretty damn harsh.

  7. captain america

    ……his ANUS must be GIGANTIC today?

  8. v-tard

    Dear Marty Rathburn,

    Although it is possible to hold out for a million dollar tell-all dirty-laundry book deal, you would do the world a great service if you forwarded your knowledge to Wikileaks.


  9. bar room hero

    Scientology = the biggest crock o’ shit.

  10. alex

    i hope for Rathbun’s sake, they have nothing on him

  11. Andi

    Tom is a gaybob fucker from another planet, Katie is brainwashed and Scientology is the biggest load of shit ever!
    ‘Nuff said!
    You know those Scientology head honchos are laughing all the way to the bank for all the celebrities they’ve suckered into forking over their big $$$$$

  12. Tom Cruise has surprised the audience at a recent charity event when he took the stage to make his wife Katie Holmes.She chosen to perform a striptease for her: "What hope Lola, Lola Gets New York Post quoted a member of the public says.

  13. Tom cruise is my all time favorite star. I must say he has a charming personality.

  14. Tom Cruise has played many important roles in his career and he is one of the most popular actors in Hollywood. I must say that He is a very talented actor but off screen he comes off as a bit weird. He is looking better these days good on him better off alone.

  15. ? _ ? ? .o ?
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    ? ? /?\/?\ _ ? __ ? _ ““““““““““““““““““““

    Doctors test three mental patients. The first one: “3 x 3 is equal to a few” patients: The “274″; doctors asked the second: “3 x 3″ A: “Tuesday”; a doctor then asked the third patient answered: ” 9. ” Dr Chan said: “very good. How do you come from?” Patient A: “It is not simple, with 274 divided by Tuesday.”

  16. i like Tom Cruise very much ! thans for your post ! i hope see more here !

  17. marc

    he is so funny tiny…and dumb

  18. Christina G.

    I finally figured out what is wrong with Suri. She’s autistic, and they are making her condition worse by spoiling her. Katie looks like she’s losing her mind lately. I hope they’ve got her on suicide watch.

  19. Donkey Punch

    I work in film and tv and know several scientologists. They believe gay people are a sickness and scientology can cure them. Having said that I completely understand why they say both Cruise and Travolta are homosexual and in the cult to be “cured”. It makes sense.

  20. I do wonder what Scientology is holding over Cruise and Travolta’s head. Honestly, they don’t seem stupid enough to really believe that shit.

    Even the nuts on youtube don’t seem that stupid. They defend it like someone has a gun pointed at them. Also, they look like major pedos.

  21. Navigates along the familiar return avenue the jungle which and pavilion interstation harasses shouts does not walk back and forth tonight’s cloud and rain , but you are the department are also memory which hidden leisurely goes to the history I are weary boatman

  22. Tommy gun

    Poor Katie. Imagine being forced to wear a strap on.

    I hear she is going to get a lot of money though.

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  24. Tuppy

    Has anyone else noticed that there aren’t any pix of Cruise and Tila Tequila together? Cross dressing, anyone?

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