Tom Cruise gives sex advice

April 13th, 2006 // 198 Comments
cruise-holmes-great-sex.jpg

In the upcoming issue of GQ, Tom Cruise discusses how great his sex life is, saying:

“Sex is about the connection. Great sex is a by-product, for me, of a great relationship, where you have communication and it’s an extension of that. Where it’s just free. And that’s how it should be. It’s spectacular. If you’re not in good communication with your partner, it sucks. (Meaningless sex outside of a relationship) is really horrible and pathetic and lonely.”

It’s about time Tom Cruise gave us advice on how to have great sex. All these years I’ve been wondering how he does it, and now the secret is finally revealed: enslavement! No wait, what’d he say? Communication? But that doesn’t make any sense. How do you communicate with somebody you’ve enslaved? A whip?

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  1. colormeskanky

    bigponie–
    I said sex alone won’t keep a guy around forever, and I rest my case. Regardless of what men are thinking about when they first meet a woman, after a few weeks when the initial thrill is fading, he WILL start to care what she’s talking about!

  2. colormeskanky

    #136 ahahahahahahahaha

  3. bigponie

    colormeskanky–
    You and Tom would make a perfect couple, I hear his pretty good with the conversation…

  4. colormeskanky

    …but you two would make a better couple, since he loves the cock.

  5. colormeskanky

    …but you two would make a better couple, since he loves the cock.

  6. Jacq

    Stallion, you likey trombone? I am a very talented skin flutist (sp?). I thought we were already playing band – that’s why you always make me sing. I loves me a dirty boy!!LOL

    #149 – Yesterday was sand… today, I get stabby. Ki-im, come out to pla-ay. *clinking bottles*

  7. Spacedog

    I heard that in prison, the inmates pass Tom Cruise around and he doesn’t want protection or cigarettes as payment. True story.

  8. Spacedog

    Stallion/Jacq: Could I watch?

  9. LookAtME

    I always heard is was called a “rusty trombone”

  10. LookAtME

    I always heard it was called a “rusty trombone”

  11. bigponie

    you sound so bitter…
    the cock might do you some good

  12. Dr.Rokter

    The SF guy od’d last night and drowned in his tub. The Tom Cruise story will remain for the entirety of Easter weekend in honor of the ressurection of our Savior. SF bloggers are encouraged to continue their quest to overload the Church of Scientology’s data mining software with continued references to Mr. Cruise’s sexual orientation and his opinions of the male reproductive organ.

  13. colormeskanky

    lol as long as it’s not tom cruise’s

  14. I wouldnt call that giving sex advice, I’d call it common sense. Anyone who has had sex with someone they truly love knows the sex is almost always going to be better then a one night stand deal. I’m not saying one night stands dont rock, the sex usually just isnt as good.

  15. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    Yea, for he has risen, Alle-lu, Alle-lu. Yea. Let us rejoice, for, yea, he riseth anew. I like marshmallow Peeps. Alle-lu.

  16. Jacq

    #158 – Everyone knows I’m an exhibitionist and Stallion’s got something to brag about. Sure. Bring your frinds. And whipped cream.

  17. Jacq

    *friends*

  18. Genevieve

    Fact: Tommy was originally slated for the part of Jack Twist in Brokeback Mountain, and he fought tooth and nail to get that role too, since it’s practically the only way he can bend over for a guy in public without having to come out with denials and lawsuits.

    But he was replaced by Jake Gyllenhaal when Ang Lee realised that Tom Cruise loves the cock – more than he loves to act that he loves the cock.

  19. Italian Stallion

    Is Astro I mean Spacedog a girl? If not, sorry, please no dudes…….

    I’m not Tom Cruise and I don’t love the cock, plus my mommy always told me I was better looking then that dumbass……

  20. Spacedog

    No need to get defensive, Stallion. Operative word being “watch.”
    Jacq doesn’t seem to have any problem.
    Anyway, if I wanted to get with a dude, I’d just ring MeghanHarris.
    Or drink that roofie slushie they pass around at the Scientology “informational session.”

  21. brewerpatriot

    Last!

    Don’t make me do this again. TCLTC.

  22. Jacq

    Spacedog, why did you have to get me jonesing for a roofie slushie? I’m stuck at work for another hour and now I’m going to lose my mind.
    One of my friends claimed that “roofies aren’t shit.” I said, “well, Julie, how do you know?” “Cause I ate one one time.” That’s how I knew she was gay and that I had a friend who gave herself roofies. I’ll post the exciting conclusion to that friendship from home, cause if anyone at work sees what happened, they’ll fire me. She was a wild one.

    Also, I would like to point out that I much prefer talking about crazy stuff and not whatever the hell the story is.

  23. kimanis

    I’m coming in late on this discussion but I had to ask about the proof that Tom is gay….repeating it a thousand times does not make it so……I even read a long time ago that John Travolta is bi, how about that?

  24. CheekyChops

    I wonder when the ATF is gonna set fire to the Scientology celebrity center like they did the branch dividians.

  25. St.Minutia

    Kimmie, kim, now #173 kimanis. I detect a pattern. A really ugly 1978 run down motel curtains kind of pattern.

    Also, TCLTC

  26. St.Minutia

    Kimmie, kim, now #173 kimanis. I detect a pattern. A really ugly 1978 run down motel curtains kind of pattern.

    Also, TCLTC

  27. St.Minutia

    Kimmie, kim, now #173 kimanis. I detect a pattern. A really ugly 1978 run down motel curtains kind of pattern.

    Also, TCLTC

  28. St.Minutia

    Oh no. Now I have tourettes. Can windex cure that too?

  29. He is just so great at it.

  30. Pez_D_Spencer

    Please, people. Stop mischaracterizing the man. For the last time: Tom Cruise used to be in construction. One time – ONE TIME – a reporter asked him about what was the best substance to use in tile and grout work, and Tom innocently stated that he liked caulk.

    It was a simple, honest answer to an easy question, and it is absolutely scandalous the way it gets misrepresented on this website.

    I will, however, grant you that Tom Cruise is crazy. Not in that “Oooh, I wonder what funny thing he’s going to do next” way, but more in that squirting-mustard-in-his-hair-because-oranges-don’t-have-doors way.

  31. St.Minutia

    Pez_D, that’s some funny sh!it. I like caulk, too. When it comes with a manly repair man to squirt it out of one of those little phallic tubes.

  32. Pez_D_Spencer

    Why are they apparently in court?

    Did someone file Good Taste v. Cruise, Holmes & Hubbard et al., or something?

  33. Star Maker Machinery

    “The National Enquirer has found an old copy of a gay man’s magazine with pictures of a very young Cruise posing provocatively. Cruise’s people denied that he had done any such posing, but confirmed once they were informed that issues with pictures do still exists. The magazine, Parlee, caters to an almost exclusively gay male audience in the New York and New Jersey area.”

    http://www.rslevinson.com/gaylesissues/features/main/gl010610a.htm

  34. Star Maker Machinery

    ‘Cause every straight guy poses for gay magazines, right? … um, right?

  35. gogoboots

    He is so gay, he loves the caulk!

  36. Tom Cruise = Cult Puppet

    Does anyone know where I can buy a “Tom Cruise Likes The Cock” T-Shirt?

    Oh Yeah, Tom Cruise liebt den Schwanz.

  37. TaiTai

    You know, I recently read an article about his many quirks, and it said he has an obsessive need to know what time it is, always. He always have to have a timepiece around. Yes, Tom Cruise loves the clock.

    *apologizing in advance*

  38. junebug

    Cruise is right! Those tea rooms are full of Meaningless sex. It’s unfortunate.

  39. outrageous.opinion

    A little OT, but you have to hand it to Nicole Kidmin for her great timing. Telling Tom the kids will not be witness to the alien birth…….. way to go Nic.

  40. Jacq

    EVERYONE LOOK!
    #175 – WOW! You are extremely astute, I might have missed that. Kim, Kim, Kim. Typical bad grammer student that you are, it’s spelled anus. KimAnus, no space.

  41. krisdylee

    Guess this means Tom does not like the pussy. Even super-power pussies, like Osh’s.

  42. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    I use my powers for good, not evil – that is if making peoples’ testicles blow up in their pants as I walk by is “good”.

  43. CruisingForCock

    We have this all wrong. Tom told Diane (last night) that he isn’t gay, it’s his baby and silent birth is BS. He said it. It MUST be true. Damn media.

    #192 That makes me hot. I’m kind of gay for you.

  44. krisdylee

    I have this picture in my mind…

    a hot little brunette, typing away, heaving bosoms hovering over the keyboard, and the feisty vagina being stroked into silence. “There, there, baby, ssshhh, the killing will come later. Sleep now, mama’s here…”

    Did I get it right Osh?

    Oh yeah, TCLTC

  45. krisdylee

    “Sex is about the connection.”

    Yeah, the connection of cock to ass.

    Can you tell I’m bored????

  46. nikki

    HAS ANYONE ELSE NOTICED THAT TOM ONLY DEFINES HIMSELF THRU HIS MOVIES?

    He has NO other reality but the one he has created for himself. when asked by Diane Sawyer about his relationship with his dying father, all Tom could say was that his father had not seen any of his movies. that is what the geniuses at South Park have also picked up on — and in the brilliant “Trapped in the Closet” episode, they had Tom falling apart because L-Ron Hubbard had not seen any of his movies.

    the man is a robot. his reality is his self-definition as “MOVIE STAR”. he has totally programmed himself. which means that even if his natural orientation is to be gay, he will use his 7th level Thetan power to suppress it. it’s incredible that he was able to hand-pick Katie as the stupid fool who could be lured into his lair by promises of a screen test. that’s all it took. i tell you that 7th level Thetan power is impressive.

    the truth about this man will not come out until after his death. he has everything wrapped up and controled for now. i’m sure that even his kids have signed confidentiality agreements.

  47. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    194 – yeah, but I’m a blonde. And I have people to do the stroking for me (read: houseboy).

  48. Iambananas

    Vollyball scene in Top Gun, vollyball scene in Top Gun, vollyball scene in Top Gun… okay, I like Tom Cruise again.

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