Tom Cruise gives sex advice

April 13th, 2006 // 198 Comments
cruise-holmes-great-sex.jpg

In the upcoming issue of GQ, Tom Cruise discusses how great his sex life is, saying:

“Sex is about the connection. Great sex is a by-product, for me, of a great relationship, where you have communication and it’s an extension of that. Where it’s just free. And that’s how it should be. It’s spectacular. If you’re not in good communication with your partner, it sucks. (Meaningless sex outside of a relationship) is really horrible and pathetic and lonely.”

It’s about time Tom Cruise gave us advice on how to have great sex. All these years I’ve been wondering how he does it, and now the secret is finally revealed: enslavement! No wait, what’d he say? Communication? But that doesn’t make any sense. How do you communicate with somebody you’ve enslaved? A whip?

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superficial

  1. Tom Cruise giving sex advice? That’s like Dane Cook trying to tell people how and why he is really funny to the 50+ demographic.

  2. Dee

    for the love of all that is sacred….when will this freak shut the f*** up….??

  3. Carolina

    #101 – That doesn’t make any sense!!
    And for crying out loud….Don’t you EVER write Dane Cook in the same paragraph you are writing about the COCK LOVER….

  4. bigponie

    #94 I never mentioned anything about buying a quality woman, let’s face it there’s not alot of quality women (or men) out there. I think katie has a low self esteem, she’s obviously let Tom take control of her life and decisions, unlike nicole (who Tom couldn’t control) left his stupid ass.

    As far as my comment in #86, most woman (not all) would drop there panties if a good looking man dangled a million dollars in front of her face. I didn’t say that she would neccesarily have sex with the man, but on the other hand that pun-tang is the best weapon a woman has in snagging a high profile man….

  5. DivaG81

    Ok, so seriously Tom Cruise is totally gay…but why can’t he just come out of the closet?!?! for real…I realize even with movies like Brokeback it’s still taboo for Hollywood leading men to be gay – but what does he have to prove anymore? He’s set for life with all the money he’s got from old films, etc….how could you repress yourself that much? Having sex with him as Katie Holmes would be like having sex with a weird gay midget:(

  6. colormeskanky

    NO, bigponie, “pun-tang” is not the “best weapon” a woman could use when snagging a high profile man. Famous men can get sex pretty easily, so the best way to start an actual relationship would be to temp him something more elusive, such as good conversation, an interesting personality, intelligence, etc. There’s no need to reduce women to their bodies; we have much more to offer than that.

  7. Larry

    Tom Cruise. Yeah, whatever.

    Meanwhile, I just pleasured myself to the More Cowbell Girl. Tom Cruise’s sex life has nothing on mine.

  8. Trotter

    63 – Santorum.

    Xenu curses you for using the sacred word in vain.

    Speaking of veins, do you think Tom likes big veiny cocks or big cocks without big, throbbing veins?

  9. #86

    I’m a straight female and I can honestly say that if Tom Cruise came anywhere near me, million dollars or not, I’d find the first sharp object I could find and jam it in his eye ball.

    Then I’d right on his forehead “Tom Cruise loves the cock”.

  10. I meant “write”.

    D’oh!

  11. sometimesboy

    @75…don’t get me wrong…i like the cock too…but i’m not down with mr. c….

  12. Tom Cruise is gay???

    Richard Simmons is gay???

  13. Tom Cruise is gay???

    Richard Simmons is gay???

  14. domino

    Guys, I’ve been thinking about this, and I’ve made a startling realisation.

    This may be controversial, but I can’t help thinking…

    maybe Tom Cruise loves the cock?

    There. I said it.

  15. TheTruthHurts

    Tom is obviously getting it from someone else..

    WHEN IS GEORGE MICHAEL COMING OUT ABOUT TOM AND HIS RELATIONSHIP?!

    Ahem.

  16. sid

    YEAH! The More Cowbell girl!

    I love her pout!

    Even the ads around here are fun.

    Tom loves the cock.

  17. ReelWorld

    I have totally lost respect for Cruise. In the last five years or so he’s gone from what I deemed as a “semi-intelligent actor” to an outright looney toon. I read that he’s hoping his baby with KH will be the reincarnation of L Ron Hubbard!

  18. playahater101

    I agree. I have lost a lot of respect for Tom Cruise. He just irritates me now.

    That whole comment he made about how sex with someone you aren’t in a relationship with being pathetic? Yeah, how many groupies you think he’s banged in his days? I’m betting quite a few. I’m sure he’s had plenty of meaningless, anonimous gay sex, too. He’s a hypocrit.

  19. Ramblebrook

    so are they having a traditional Iranian marriage where the woman has no rights? I thought this was America in 2006, then again I also thought Tom Cruise was a respectable actor until a few years ago.
    Tom Cruise lives for a good Clevand Steamer followed by a Dirty Sanchez.

  20. DonLes91

    120!

  21. prideofchucky

    Haven’t Tom’s last couple of movies have been really horrible and pathetic and lonely?

  22. ranesing

    OK, let me get this straight: Tom communicates and has awesome sex with the one he loves the most.

    This means that he talks to himself when he is doing himself, right?

  23. mamacita

    This is SOOOO funny. It’s like he ONLY talks about shit that he doesn’t know anything about. Good sex, mental health, entertaining movies. Next thing you know, he’ll be telling people how to be reallllly tall. Fuck Tom Cruise. He’s one glib bastard. Glib, I tell you. Glib, glib, glib.

  24. tracyp

    Just wondering, if by a freak chance that TC doesn’t love cock and he and KH are doing the nasty (gross, but ok) does she have to remain silent while HE communicates?

  25. tracyp

    Just wondering, if by a freak chance that TC doesn’t love cock and he and KH are doing the nasty (gross, but ok) does she have to remain silent while HE communicates?

  26. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    Let’s all pound the tables with our fists and chant protests until the editors put up a new article. Ready? “We need a new pic! Tom Loves the dick! We need a new pic! Tom loves the dick!…”

  27. Magus

    Tom Cruise giving sex advice …

    now we need Jenna Jameson and Ron Jeremy giving advice on how to remain a virgin and how chastity is the best thing ever

    ( and have them introduce some male pornstars to Xenu )

    and, by the way, Tom loves the pinga

  28. Magus

    Tom Cruise giving sex advice …

    now we need Jenna Jameson and Ron Jeremy giving advice on how to remain a virgin and how chastity is the best thing ever

    ( and have them introduce some male pornstars to Xenu )

    and, by the way, Tom loves the pinga

  29. Jacq

    Good morning Superficials, I am sure it’ll be a little quiter around here today since Kim and Megan are probably busy nursing wounds and eating kittens!!

    I am dutifully reporting that I have, in fact, had to call it off with toolbag boyfriend. The Top Gun thing really damaged the relationship, but I knew it was over when he caught Stallion and myself mid-coitous. My leg was wrapped around my head, which made BF mad because he DOES make me roll over each and every time. I thought he was the one, but oh well, shit happens. Good thing that Stallion’s dangerously handsome, plus he’s like 8 inches, ya’ll. The only thing that I will have to get used to is the ATM.

    I’m more interested right now in hearing more about how LL made Jessica Simpson cry.

  30. CoJo

    I’m so over TC. He is sooo veering into Michael Jackson Crazy Land. Just like MJ, if TC didn’t have money, he’d be in an effing straight jacket.

    Well as far as TC goes, he would probably end up dead from getting his ass kicked in sideways for being such a fucking self-rightous cock-sucker. That’s right. I said it. COCK-SUCKER!

    TOM CRUISE LOVES THE COCK!!!!

    NEXT STORY PLEASE!

  31. SoupaSarah

    I hate Tom Cruise. I bet hes a one minute man and i bet Katie gets no pleasure from his tiny matchstick cock. I really hope her baby comes out black, not only would that stop the baby being related to knobwank Cruise but it’d be well funny. :D/

    I heard that Scientolgy believes sept 11th was caused by Psychiatrists… :|. And to think, some people believe Scientologists aren’t nutters…

  32. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    Everyone knows that 9/11 was caused by scatologists and two of the hijackers were trained in aviation by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Oh, and the WTC imploded from the inside from a series of bombs that were planted there by the Dixie Chicks, those terrorist sluts.

  33. DonLes91

    After numerous posts, curiousity finally got the better of me and I had to go and google “scatologists” to find out what they do and I gotta say, EWWWWWW! THAT’S JUST FUCKING NASTY!

    And TCTC.

  34. Libraesque

    This guy should not be allowed to speak, what a jackass….on that note be sure to watch him tonite, he’s on some special where someone grills him about Katies father hating him. OOOHHH and can I highly recommend season one of the Ben Stiller Show, he does a spoof/medley/musical of Tom Cruise movies, and he’s wearing bedazzled undies in the Risky Business one, I pissed myself laughing. I guess everyone in Hollywood has known about HIs Gayness for a long time

  35. krisdylee

    I love the cock….

    See, Tom, it’s easy!!!

  36. delibird

    meh he is just jealous that other people can get sex with out having to lock their lovers upn in a dungeon.
    He probably tried the single life but wasn’t tall enough to make it on to the stools at his local gay bar

  37. Nimuë LaMer

    Comment number 56 bears repeating:

    ” Posted by Spacedog on April 13, 2006 05:20 PM

    Tom Cruise is gay as a French horn. A horn being blown by Richard Simmons, who is getting rimmed by Ryan Seacrest, who is getting sodomized by a leather-clad motorcycle gang while Madonna’s “Material Girl” is played on loop.”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!

    Thomas has an unusually strong prediliction for all things phallic.

  38. #108 Trotter. In answer to your question, I would say that Tom most likely liked Big cockes covered with Bulging Veins. Since he likes it bareback and usually from two or three at a time, the veins simulate the studs and bumps of a rough rider condom “”Not just for HER Pleasure anymore”"

    Then Tom has Katie come in with her special Santorum Clean up kit to repair the damage. “”Hey, when you’re paying somebody millions to date you get your moneys worth, make them clean up after you’ve just been pounded by three streetpunk hustlers you’ve just hired to pound your ass” Katie just takes more valium and pretends she’s somewhere else…much like the audience will do while watching MI 3.

  39. bigponie

    in response to #106 colormeskanky

    What world are you living in!! Do you really belive that conversation is the best weapon a woman has, well let me give you an insight of (most men) thinking pattern. When a woman meets a nice man and start a conversation with him the man is not remotely interested in anything that woman has to say because that man is already picturing in his mind what that woman looks like naked.

  40. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    139, and 106 – I use my vagina to hold up liquor stores and banks, protect my home, hunt wild game, and sometimes I just like to shoot skeet. My tits and ass are more suitable for explosions and mass executions.

  41. bigponie

    #140 more power to you

  42. Marceelf

    Tom hates when Katie’s mouth herpres pop out, it makes it so much harder to pretend he’s slipping it to Chris Klein. “Touch me like Chris touched you, Katie. What? He never touched you, off to the spaceship, bitch.”

  43. Fawlty

    I heard Tom Cruise loves something, but can anyone tell me what it is? I think it had to do with chickens?

  44. carrie bradshaw

    There is only one way to destroy Tom Cruise, and that is for no one to pay money to see his movies. It is my fondest wish that Americans join hands across the country and unite together to refuse to see MI3. You have to hit him in the one place where it’s going to do the most damage and that, my friends, $$$. Money=power. If his movies don’t make money, he loses his power.

  45. cardio

    #98 – trombone!! ROTFLMFAO! Never heard that before!

    Of course that makes sense since, not only does Tom love the cock (or so I’ve heard), but he also loves snowballing and, of course, Hot Carl.

  46. gogoboots

    I’m not sure why he’s giving this “great sex advice” but it sounds like something he came up with in his early 20′s.

  47. gogoboots

    I’m not sure why he’s giving this “great sex advice” but it sounds like something he came up with in his early 20′s.

  48. Italian Stallion

    Jacq no need to worry about the ATM, I was just reading about the Trombone, and Stallion likey. If your scared of the ATM you could always pertend like we are in a band……

  49. boogaloo

    Hey Jacq – did you ask if kimmy could come out & play yet? We could hide in a fort and throw sand at her.

  50. ESQ

    If it came down to having meaningless sex with Tom Cruise and my hand, my hand would win hands down period. Pun intended.

    Tom Cruise has way too much to say about everything, even on topics he knows nothing about, especially keeping meaningful relationships with women…which brings me to say:

    Tom Cruise should be taking it in the ass if he isn’t already.

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