Tom Cruise gives sex advice

April 13th, 2006 // 198 Comments
cruise-holmes-great-sex.jpg

In the upcoming issue of GQ, Tom Cruise discusses how great his sex life is, saying:

“Sex is about the connection. Great sex is a by-product, for me, of a great relationship, where you have communication and it’s an extension of that. Where it’s just free. And that’s how it should be. It’s spectacular. If you’re not in good communication with your partner, it sucks. (Meaningless sex outside of a relationship) is really horrible and pathetic and lonely.”

It’s about time Tom Cruise gave us advice on how to have great sex. All these years I’ve been wondering how he does it, and now the secret is finally revealed: enslavement! No wait, what’d he say? Communication? But that doesn’t make any sense. How do you communicate with somebody you’ve enslaved? A whip?

Source

superficial

  1. chamba

    Communication:

    Katie: Are you wearing a condom?
    Tom: You can’t get pregnant because I’m shorter than you.
    Katie: What about STDs?
    Tom: All clear (Scientology Tested Drugs)
    Katie: Oh, my PR person says I Love You, TC!
    Tom: If you have my child, I will say that I love you too!

  2. Zanna

    Ez-EEE – I’m with you!….you are so right…the best sex I EVER had was when someone said, ‘shut up slut – bent me over pulled my hair and fucked me so hard I couldn’t breath. Oh God, I’m horny as hell now.

  3. Jacq

    If Katie ever gets preggers again, Tom will know she’s cheating. Someone needs to tell Tom to shut up and quit giving free advice.

  4. Akapee

    AUTHOR: Akapee
    EMAIL:
    IP: 151.204.227.63
    URL:
    DATE: 04/13/2006 05:19:38 PM
    AUTHOR: Akapee
    EMAIL:
    IP: 151.204.227.63
    URL:
    DATE: 04/13/2006 05:19:38 PM

  5. krisdylee

    Tommy loves a big fat cock,
    he loves it when he takes a walk,
    he loves it lots here or there,
    he loves it in his underwear,
    he sucks the cock on a boat,
    he sucks it hard, he likes to gloat,
    no matter how he tries to talk,
    we all know tommy loves the cock.

  6. Spacedog

    Tom Cruise is gay as a French horn. A horn being blown by Richard Simmons, who is getting rimmed by Ryan Seacrest, who is getting sodomized by a leather-clad motorcycle gang while Madonna’s “Material Girl” is played on loop.

  7. BarryBonds

    Post #6 must be gay….

    Tom’s sex life is great but not with Katie he was really talking about shoving his meat into Vito from The Sopranos.

    I cant wait to see what Tom’s baby will look like, I just imagine either the baby will be black, or the baby will be a green allien with the words I love cok on hid head.

  8. chamba

    What is it with the name Tom? Every one I ever met has been a bastard (no, wait, that’s his child)–they have been Harry Dicks.

  9. Jacq

    Don’t you also HAVE to get knocked-up each and evry time you have Mormon sex?

  10. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    You guys, word on the street is Tom Cruise may like, or even love, the cock. I’ll have my sources confirm, but I’m pretty sure it’s true, so we can put it on the internet – because it’s true.
    And the only thing better than kinky Mormon sex, is kinky Kaballah sex. No, wait, that sucks (red strings and gefilte fish everywhere – nawt hawt! OMG LOLOLOL! ;}).

  11. chamba

    #59

    Yes, but that usually on happens on Christmas or the husband’s birthday.

  12. chamba

    Great, you know what’s going to happen now? Since we have made fun of him, he is going to be the next U.S. President, the news will be referring to them as “The Royal Family,” and prescription drugs are going to be criminalized. We junxed ourselves in a big way.

    I’m going to go and take my whole bottle now just in case.

  13. So Tom thinks that Communication with Katie…plus having her Ex doing him from behind while having sex with her….is what makes for a great love life.

    For some reason the thought of Tom Cruise covered with Santorum is pleasing to me.

  14. dirtypiratehooker

    Yeah, and the next thing you know, Tom Cruise is gonna start rambling on about how aliens come down from the sky and make us all do bad things!

    …..Oh, wait….

  15. After three 12 hour sessions with her scientology auditor costing $5,000 a piece Katie Holmes also now thinks sex with Tom Cruise is great. After all isn’t Tom an OTIII and therefore posesses knowledge that upon learning would kill us non-believers.

  16. Forget to mention that when I pulled Cruise’s FBI file in 1993 in big bold letters under sexual orientation it said…
    “TOM LOVES THE COCK”

  17. Rugazi

    Tom Cruise is such a homo, he has no right to give advice about anything, he can just die the f-ing homo. I can’t even put it in words how much i hate him and his scientology bum buddys………he’s really horrible and pathetic.

  18. LookAtME

    If Katie is “free”.. enslave me… “Communication makes it better”, oh please Tom, you begging for it from behind does not a conversation make.

  19. MsBachus

    Please make him shut up! MI3 doesn’t open for nearly a month and we will have a summer of THE WORLD according to Tom Cruise. I am so deathly sick of his world view. If his name were Bob Smith he would have been laughed out of the neighborhood bar by now. Tom Cruise is a big jerk who loves the image of himself loving his cock. When does he return to his other planet? Poor Katie. Sweetie, the money ain’t worth it.

  20. Babybing

    The really horrible and pathetic thing is that he acts as if he’s so smart, so insightful, so perceptive, so wise. He’s such a douche bag.

  21. Big Fig

    The mental picture of Tom Cruise having sex with anyone makes me want to wash my eyes with acid. I was never planning on seeing MI3 anyways, so all the fake knocking up women just to promote a movie seems a little desperate……and all that pretending that he isn’t totally smitten with the cock. Because we all know he L O V E loves the cock. Right in the pooper.

  22. colormeskanky

    hm i didn’t know GQ was a gay magazine

  23. maryaries

    Where’s the quote where Katie says how “amazing” sex is with Tom and how “amazing” it is to communicate with him so much? I’m looking for that quote. I’m looking for it and looking for it and then I realize that it doesn’t exist, because she’s not allowed to talk. Seriously, when was the last time we heard this girl say ANYTHING.
    Save Katie.

  24. bigponie

    all you girls posting messages are a bunch of liars, you all wish you could be tom’s slave just like katie is. Tom’s the man.

  25. Figgy

    @74

    … it seems that Tom isn’t the only one around here who likes the Cock.

  26. juicylips

    Tom Cruise is a waste of the 4 seconds it took to make him. Will someone please stick something up his ass so he will shut the fuck up.

  27. bigponie

    #75 you just proved my point

  28. Figgy

    Yes. Because, ooh baby, Tom Cruise is everything a heterosexual girl could want. Insane, posessive, deep enough in the closet that he’s humping the waterheater.

    Run along.

  29. SomeoneSaid

    who’s the zombie in the pic with Tom?

  30. bigponie

    Submit yourself and become the slave bitch that you were born to be. stop denying your destiny

  31. Figgy

    I’ll try to pencil that in, right after giving a crap about your stupid opinion.

  32. Jacq

    Shit. I just walked into the other room and my boyfriend is actually watching Top Gun. Seriously. Fucking douche. I’ve got to get rid of him. And I’m not MeganHarris.

  33. LittleWatson

    #80 “stop denying your destiny”
    That sounds very Sith lord to me. Been watching a little Episode 3 or 5 or 6 lately?

  34. Jacq

    #74 – Ummm, no. I wanted to be the slave to Tom Cruise from Risky Business and Cocktail. Now, it would be straight up scary to be with Tom who loves the cock, belives War of the Worlds isn’t really like his religion (if you’d like to call it that), won’t let you make a peep during CHILDBIRTH, probably won’t let you make a peep during sex/anal rape and seems to want to generally brainwash you. From what I understand she acts like a zombie and hasn’t talk to anyone from HER life since she met him. What in the fuck would make anyone defend pretty much ANYTHING about him? It just makes me wonder if he was crazy like this back when he was in Days of Thunder (no, I don’t mean the year because I’m sure some fucker is going to say well, it was actually made in … I don’t care it’s just to prove the point)? What about the shit other famous people could be into that we don’t know about? I bet Russell Crow likes to milk bulls because they put up a fight.
    In conclusion, no.

  35. St.Minutia

    Figgy & bigponie, I like the cock, too. But I am not an uptight, inarticulate, insane homo Scientologist with diarrhea of the mouth.

  36. bigponie

    look all i’m saying is this. It doesn’t have to be tom in the picture, if a good looking guy flashes a million dollars in your face let’s see how face those panties drop.

  37. TaiTai

    “Tom Cruise Gives Sex Advice.” Yeah, and mental health advice too, since he is such an expert.

    Next thing you know, Paris Hilton will be giving virginity advice, and Ryan Seacrest will be giving “manliness” advice.

  38. [insert gay joke here]

  39. Italian Stallion

    #82 Jacq

    Sounds like your boyfriend and Tom should hang out, if you ask me they might both like the cock. But it’s cool, we’ll leave them home and you can ride the Stallion all night….lol

  40. Star Maker Machinery

    Lies make Xenu cry.

    Btw, if I want to hear about great heterosexual relationships, I’ll call up Ryan Seacrest. I heard he was caught making out with a hot corpse last week.

  41. That guy is so full of himself.

  42. PapaHotNuts

    Tom Cruise’s feet love the SOCK.

  43. lalala_xD

    Oh what the hell. I mean everyone else is saying it.
    Tom Cruise loves the cock.

  44. colormeskanky

    bigponie, if you really think that money can buy a quality woman, you must just be bitter that you don’t have either.

  45. Star Maker Machinery

    Of course Tom and Katie are kindred spirits. Both of their Thetans love anal.

  46. playahater101

    So it took Tom decades and many wives and girlfriends to figure all this out? Maybe he finally found the right fit for himself. His name is Gay Al.

  47. Chrystal03

    #74 My Ponie,

    Nuh huh, wouldn’t lie about Tom Cruise…I would rather lick my own balloon knot than be with that turd cutter. You’re on your own with that one…

    oh and for the record…TOM LOVES THE COCK!!

    P.S. @#79.. LOL, I could have sworn I saw her on Return of the living dead…

  48. Cisi

    Of all the stupid, insane things this man has ever said, this implication that single people shouldn’t have sex is the craziest of all. If it weren’t for “horrible and pathetic and lonely” sex, most of us would have no sex at all. So keep it to yourself and go back to making Katie give you the trombone. But what is the trombone, Cisi, you say? Visualize it, people: to paraphrase a previous post, eating someone’s poo while simultaneously reaching around to pleasure him manually. Ha! Trombone!

    And Jacq – I am still laughing hysterically at your boyfriend. Seriously – best laugh I’ve had all week. Definitely ditch him. He probably makes you turn over for sex, anyway, right?

  49. playahater101

    Oh yeah, I forgot to say Tom loves big dick. Not just cock, but BIG DICK.

  50. TaiTai

    BTW #95, I like your name but every time you post it takes me about an hour to stop humming Joni Mitchell songs.

    Although “Free Man In Paris” probably has a different connotation on this site.

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