Tom Cruise gives sex advice

April 13th, 2006 // 198 Comments
cruise-holmes-great-sex.jpg

In the upcoming issue of GQ, Tom Cruise discusses how great his sex life is, saying:

“Sex is about the connection. Great sex is a by-product, for me, of a great relationship, where you have communication and it’s an extension of that. Where it’s just free. And that’s how it should be. It’s spectacular. If you’re not in good communication with your partner, it sucks. (Meaningless sex outside of a relationship) is really horrible and pathetic and lonely.”

It’s about time Tom Cruise gave us advice on how to have great sex. All these years I’ve been wondering how he does it, and now the secret is finally revealed: enslavement! No wait, what’d he say? Communication? But that doesn’t make any sense. How do you communicate with somebody you’ve enslaved? A whip?

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  1. CoJo

    “(Meaningless sex outside of a relationship) is really horrible and pathetic and lonely.”

    Only a horrible and pathetic and lonely and psychotic loser would say something this stupid.

  2. Italian Stallion

    He like’s it to be free huh? I wonder if when he was going to see all those male hookers he caught scientology, cause I hear it’s a nasty STD……

  3. Grphdesi23

    When a problem comes along
    You must whip it
    Before the cream sits out too long
    You must whip it
    When something

  4. Grphdesi23

    Whip it good!

  5. The only thing people want to know about Tommy’s sex life is does he pitch or does he catch?

  6. HappyTimeHarry

    Tom Cruise is making it really tough to enjoy Top Gun and Days of Thunder…

  7. reptilicus

    What he failed to mention was that “if you want to get down, you gotta go to Butt-town”

  8. Akapee

    Like I said before Tom likes the cock

  9. Akapee

    Does that mean she also has a penis? Becos obviously Tom likes tha dick

  10. reptilicus

    enjoy Top Gun?

    If you enjoy soft core homo erotic films…

    http://ruthlessreviews.com/80saction/topgun.php

  11. spatz

    ive been waiting to say this forever.

    tom cruise loves the cock!!! there i said it! now i’m part of the cool kids club. hah

    but on a serious note. does he not realize how queer this makes him sound?

  12. Chrystal03

    Katie must have a dildo!

    Oh….and let me be the first to say…Tom Cruise loves the Cock! heehee.

  13. Jacq

    Strangely, he makes no mention of the reach-around. As far as Tom is concerned, the only thing you need for sex is a throbbing knob.

    What crazy riutal is that a picture of? She looks scared. There’s probably a huge penis inches from their noses like the one from Clockwork Orange.

  14. Chrystal03

    dammit, okay I was the 4th to say it…

  15. honey

    ohhhh.. communication.. i have to tell my man that i was wrong to just bang him over and over again.. now i must begin to communicate- he’ll be so happy now with the correct type of sex.. thank you tom cruise

  16. ET

    “Great sex is a by-product, for me…”

    Fairly certain he said “bi-product” during the interview and the “reporter” interpreted wrong. *shrug*

  17. The Mad Scientologist

    Great sex for the Cruiser = George Michael in a sailor’s outfit “communicating” him to batten down the hatch and raise the mast

  18. reptilicus

    As far as dildos go, I’m sure Tom enjoys the “Thor” model.

    http://www.zoofur.com/images/1.jpg

  19. Iwannabeacelebrity

    How would this ass jockey know anything about good sex or sex with a woman for that matter?? His first two wives were in covers and we all know, he had Ms. (I’m also in the Scientology Cult) turkey basted..!! He should know about pathetic, loser sex is, seeing as he’s truly scamming on guys..think he and Seacrest share hair styling technics???

  20. Carolina

    Not only was the foetus or embryo supposed to be aware of the sensation of intercourse between his parents, or whomever, but the engram could record what they were saying as well. The following case was allegedly remembered by a preclear.

    GIRL: I wonder what they’re doing? (Then a pause.) I hear a squishing sound! (Then a pause and embarrassment.) Oh!

    AUDITOR: Recount the engram please.

    GIRL: There’s sort of a faint rhythm at first and then it gets faster. I can hear breathing. Now it’s beginning to bear down harder but a lot less than it did the first time. Then it eases up and I hear my father’s voice: “Oh honey, I won’t come in you now.” … and my mother [says] “I don’t want you in there at all then. You cold fish.”
    extracted from:
    http://www.clambake.org/archive/books/tsos/sos-03.html
    EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

  21. shell

    I think Tom Cruise has been watching way too much Lifetime TV…oh and he likes the cock.

  22. Devil Is Chrome

    I just wanted to tell HappyTimeHarry that I love him – as well as the ATHF episode he was in. Action bills…

    Tom Cruise is gay. It doesn’t matter that he supposedly impregnated some malleable minded girl, look at those cowboys in Brokeback – they had families too!

    Tom goes to closet, caresses a flight suit: “Goose, I swear…”

  23. Feed_Me_Chocolate

    Yeah, his idea of “communication” with Katie during sex is probably something like this:

    *Katie moaning*
    Tom puts his finger on her lips. “Shh, I forgot to tell you that L. Ron visited me in my sleep, and he said that ‘Silent Sex’ should also be practiced.”

    “Plus, it breaks my concentration when I try to imagine you as a man”.

    Because, say it with me,

    TOM CRUISE LOVES THE COCK!

  24. PapaHotNuts

    I would not be at all surprised if Katie Holmes hangs herself with the umbilical cord.

    Tom made no mention of half-used bottles of KY, shit-stained underwear, persistent anal discharge, swollen red buttocks, a young hispanic boy mysteriously nicknamed “El Grande”, a hyperactive midget covered in mustard, fossilized cum rags, a bug zapper, life-sized cut out of Rosie O’Donnell, and Spudz McKenzie.

    That’s the true essence of sex. When you have those things, you are finally free.

  25. Jacq

    Notice he never specifically mentions that he is having this sex with a woman.

    Katie sports a strap-on. That’s why she’s always standing behind him in pictures, bending over and hugging him. It’s the only way she can make him smile.

  26. snookyookums

    Glib…
    Another instance where Tom thinks he is talking like regular people do.

  27. Is so sick of this preachy TOm Cruise shtick…
    Like, he reminds me of a QVC host selling his formulas for the “perfect little happy life”

    We don’t care Risky-Business!

  28. Iwannabeacelebrity

    The best part is when this kid comes out Samoan and Katie has to go on anti-depressants!!

  29. Akapee

    Ummmmmmm Tom likes the cock

  30. Grphdesi23

    Katie doesn’t look at that satisfied.

  31. snookyookums

    Tom Cruise = omit curse

  32. Chrystal03

    cock likes the Tom

  33. CoJo

    Other than having her strap-on perpetually stuck in Toms ass, I think he makes her stand behind him, bent over, because she is much taller than he is. How do you spell Napolean Complex? T-O-M C-R-U-I-S-E!

    TOM CRUISE LOVES THE COOOOOOCK!!!

  34. Grphdesi23

    *at all….grr

  35. HappyTimeHarry

    Devils is Chrome

    “Sometimes i like to take this knife and go like this, (pulls knife across his chest) to see how hard i can do it before i pass out. hehehe. yeah.”

    Tom Cruise Loves the Big Black C

  36. The Mad Scientologist

    Happy Time Harry – your posts suck. Kill yourself.

  37. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    I thought the Church of Scientology condoned sexual intercourse only if it involved rubbing eachothers brains with cold vaseline in rooms filled with blue neon lights while wearing sterilized vinyl full-body cloaks – and don’t they absolutely condemn the touching, viewing, or discussion of genitals? How do you communicate when you have to remain completely silent through the whole ordeal? Oh well. Better than Mormon sex.

  38. blackfrancis

    “(Meaningless sex outside of a relationship) is really horrible and pathetic and lonely.”

    Tom how you can say that about your male German porn star buddy? He is probably crying himself to sleep as I type. Shame on you sir! First you sue him and now you’re saying he meant nothing to you?

  39. blackfrancis

    #37
    Actually Mormon sex ain’t half bad. Especially with the Bishop’s daughter.

  40. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    Tom Cruise enjoys great sex – especially in the balloon knot.

  41. Chrystal03

    You know I think Tom is having to explain himself because he is a…. “ittle weenie teenie weenie short di*k man”!

  42. HappyTimeHarry

    The Mad Scientologist – Sorry Im not thinking up comments to post about george michael in a sailors outfit playing homo with tom cruise…

    Freudian slip perhaps?

  43. Ez-EEEE

    i think we all know communication has absolutely nothing to do with sex. how many times have you heard, “shut up slut” and then been fuct so good you couldnt walk for days??? countless right? yea me too.
    talking is for sissys and gays.
    *moment of enlightenment*
    oh right its tom cruise.

  44. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    #39 – How can you enjoy yourself when the bitch keeps crying about how she needs you to hurry up because she’s got to finish churning the butter for her 17 siblings, and keeps calling you “Uncle Ezekiel” when you get rough?

  45. Devil Is Chrome

    Oshkoshb-goshdammgosh – you would be surprised at the outrageous number of Mormon sex freaks out there….talk about in the closet!

    Poo-eaters, anal worshippers, hearty misogynists, bondage lovers, plushies, S&M boot lickers, group sex – you name it, Mormon’s are eyeball deep in it.

  46. Akapee

    #36 I agree with you…and you are quite funny

  47. blackfrancis

    #44

    That’s just foreplay buddy!

  48. actually…i think tom having the squirts after anal is the only bi-product of sex that he has ever experienced…

  49. Ez-EEEE

    ya know, i think i could go the whole rest of my life without hearing the words “poo eater” or thinking about what all that entails, and that would make a dandy life for me. as far as the rest of the list in #45…sounds good.

  50. That interview is just one big lie from start to finish.

    We all know Tom Cruise loves the cock.

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