Tom Cruise does Letterman Top 10

December 17th, 2008 // 37 Comments

Tom Cruise stopped by Letterman last night where he got to read the night’s Top 10 list which was “Craziest Things People Say About Tom Cruise on the Internet.” Here’s the list that somehow doesn’t contain a single word I’ve ever written causing me to believe there must be other sites on the Internet. – Ha. Just kidding; there’s not:

10. I sleep upside-down suspended in a special bat – like harness.
9. During the filming of Days of Thunder, on a dare, I ate a tire.
8. I still wear those underpants from Risky Business.
7. My real name is Tom Blagojevich.
6. I once Heimliched a koala.
5. Once a month, I take the Universal tour naked.
4. I believe all emotional and psychological disorders can be cured with Vicks Vapo Rub.
3. I’m a power mad ego maniac who’s completely insulated from reality – oh wait, that’s Letterman.
2. After jumping on her couch, Oprah hammer-locked me until I coughed blood.
1. I keep a cell phone in my pants so I can tell friends to call my ass.

In the spirit of things, here’s my own list compiled of unquestionable scientific data. I call it “Top 10 100% Accurate Facts About Tom Cruise That Are So Real Katie Holmes’ Head Would Explode if She Were Actually Allowed Near the Internet or Other Communication Devices”:

1. He auditioned for the role of “Wicket” in Return of the Jedi until Harrison Ford said “There’s something weird about that kid.” They now play golf every Tuesday – underwater.
2. He once funded an expedition to Krypton after seeing Brandon Routh in Superman Returns. This led to his casting in Valkyrie to recover said financial loss.
3. He wishes puppies were made of chocolate.
4. Suri Cruise has the microfilm.
5. If you say his name backwards, Tom Cruise will return to his home dimension until summoned by the starting of David Beckham’s shower.
6. You don’t cruise by Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise tom’s by you.
7. Boxers or briefs? Nope. Diamonds!
8. Has world’s largest collection Matchbox cars – that he drives once every year.
9. Secretly knew about Spencer Pratt since first episode of Laguna Beach. Destiny will bring them together – or a Ferrari full of rohypnol.
10. His real name is neither Tom Cruise nor Thomas Mapother. It’s “Cruise Mapother: Space Fucker.”

superficial

  1. Rachel

    poop

  2. Enough with everything Tom Cruise already…

  3. Aja ( the real )

    OH MY GOD HE’S COVERED IN ORBS, SCIENTOLOGY IS REAL!!!

  4. Aja ( the real )

    OH MY GOD HE’S COVERED IN ORBS, SCIENTOLOGY IS REAL!!!

  5. Aja ( the real )

    OH MY GOD HE’S COVERED IN ORBS, SCIENTOLOGY IS REAL!!!

  6. p0nk

    1. TCLTC

  7. If tom wants to know what bloggers say about him on the internet all he have to do is log to this site!!!

  8. blp

    That is the face of Satan if ever I saw one. Homosexuality and Scientology. He’s going to the lowest of the low hell dimensions where he’ll get whipped by John Travolta and shit on by the devil himself for all eternity!

  9. blp

    That is the face of Satan if ever I saw one. Homosexuality and Scientology. He’s going to the lowest of the low hell dimensions where he’ll get whipped by John Travolta and shit on by the devil himself for all eternity!

  10. blp

    I forgot the part about L Ron Hubbard giving him golden showers. They’ll stop that when they see he enjoys it.

  11. elva

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  12. John Blagojevich

    Wow. Your Top 10 list is just as shitty as Letterman’s.

  13. yeah whats up with that? i was going to request fish make a 10 top ten for tom till i saw that then i shut it!

  14. Susie

    I think Tom needs to retire soon, I still have no clue why Katie is still with him!

    If Katie is smart she will finally divorce him and sell off the diamond engagement ring he gave her to http://www.idonowidont.com and have a life post-tom with adorable Suri.

    The top 10 list is hilarious though, I am not sure I want to see his new movie.

  15. Dr. Phil

    He says there’s no such thing as dyslexia – according to Scientology – and yet he always turns out to be the bottom during anal sex.

  16. Can we get some kelly ripa pics on here? i never thought id be into a mom…

  17. CaptainMorgan

    I quite liked the ‘Fish list. #5 and #8 made me laugh.

  18. Douchie, don’t you mean into dressing up as a mom?

  19. Mal

    looks like it’s raining dandruff.

  20. ummm...yeah

    Yeah fish…your fuckin list sucks shit.
    Remember when you used to be funny?

  21. Jackson'shole

    Letterman’s top ten list had zero laughs from me. It couldn’t have been less funny, really.

  22. Who wants to get personal with this american loser number one, folks?

  23. ekki_skila

    FISH’S TOP TEN WAS funny!!

    lol, you dont cruise by Tom Cruise, tom cruise tom’s by you!

  24. spencer_douchebag_pratt

    i wasnt in laguna

  25. Hemlock Queen

    Hmmm, he’s still really hot. In a batshit crazy, jumpin on couches kinda way.

    I will never volutarily see that shitatistic new movie of his. He can’t act for shit.

  26. STINK

    Tom’s at his best when he’s mocking his douchebag self, but that still isn’t all that.

  27. Aja ( the real )

    10. ) I am a whore with a moist opening in my furry pelt.

    9. ) I am a whore with a moist opening in my furry pelt.

    8. ) I am a whore with a moist opening in my furry pelt.

    7. ) I am a whore with a moist opening in my furry pelt.

    6. ) I am a whore with a moist opening in my furry pelt.

    5. ) I am a whore with a moist opening in my furry pelt.

    4. ) I am a whore with a moist opening in my furry pelt.

    3. ) I am a whore with a moist opening in my furry pelt.

    2. ) I am a whore with a moist opening in my furry pelt.

    1. ) I am a whore with a moist opening in my furry pelt.

  28. jesses469

    Mister Mxyzptlk, bitches.

  29. dew

    I want some backstory on why Tom’s back-pedaling from his Scientology-induced insanity.

    I can’t imagine Tom Cruise having enough wits to humble himself like this voluntarily, even though it’s extremely warranted. I suspect his Scientology puppeteers forced a new manager/publicist on him — and definitely not his sister ROFL.

  30. toolboy

    I like Fish’s list much better..Helmet pinchers my man, helmet pinchers.

  31. fla

    right on #13

  32. Tom is a real cool guy. He even supports his son Connor in acting. He is one of my favorite actors.

  33. I love Tom Cruise

  34. If ever I’ve seen the devil face. Homosexuality and Scientology. At that hell dimension where he will meet John Travolta and shit himself whipped by the Devil for all eternity is going to the lowest!

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