Tom Cruise stopped by Letterman last night where he got to read the night’s Top 10 list which was “Craziest Things People Say About Tom Cruise on the Internet.” Here’s the list that somehow doesn’t contain a single word I’ve ever written causing me to believe there must be other sites on the Internet. – Ha. Just kidding; there’s not:
10. I sleep upside-down suspended in a special bat – like harness.
9. During the filming of Days of Thunder, on a dare, I ate a tire.
8. I still wear those underpants from Risky Business.
7. My real name is Tom Blagojevich.
6. I once Heimliched a koala.
5. Once a month, I take the Universal tour naked.
4. I believe all emotional and psychological disorders can be cured with Vicks Vapo Rub.
3. I’m a power mad ego maniac who’s completely insulated from reality – oh wait, that’s Letterman.
2. After jumping on her couch, Oprah hammer-locked me until I coughed blood.
1. I keep a cell phone in my pants so I can tell friends to call my ass.
In the spirit of things, here’s my own list compiled of unquestionable scientific data. I call it “Top 10 100% Accurate Facts About Tom Cruise That Are So Real Katie Holmes’ Head Would Explode if She Were Actually Allowed Near the Internet or Other Communication Devices”:
1. He auditioned for the role of “Wicket” in Return of the Jedi until Harrison Ford said “There’s something weird about that kid.” They now play golf every Tuesday – underwater.
2. He once funded an expedition to Krypton after seeing Brandon Routh in Superman Returns. This led to his casting in Valkyrie to recover said financial loss.
3. He wishes puppies were made of chocolate.
4. Suri Cruise has the microfilm.
5. If you say his name backwards, Tom Cruise will return to his home dimension until summoned by the starting of David Beckham’s shower.
6. You don’t cruise by Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise tom’s by you.
7. Boxers or briefs? Nope. Diamonds!
8. Has world’s largest collection Matchbox cars – that he drives once every year.
9. Secretly knew about Spencer Pratt since first episode of Laguna Beach. Destiny will bring them together – or a Ferrari full of rohypnol.
10. His real name is neither Tom Cruise nor Thomas Mapother. It’s “Cruise Mapother: Space Fucker.”