Tom Cruise stopped by Letterman last night where he got to read the night’s Top 10 list which was “Craziest Things People Say About Tom Cruise on the Internet.” Here’s the list that somehow doesn’t contain a single word I’ve ever written causing me to believe there must be other sites on the Internet. – Ha. Just kidding; there’s not:
10. I sleep upside-down suspended in a special bat – like harness.
9. During the filming of Days of Thunder, on a dare, I ate a tire.
8. I still wear those underpants from Risky Business.
7. My real name is Tom Blagojevich.
6. I once Heimliched a koala.
5. Once a month, I take the Universal tour naked.
4. I believe all emotional and psychological disorders can be cured with Vicks Vapo Rub.
3. I’m a power mad ego maniac who’s completely insulated from reality – oh wait, that’s Letterman.
2. After jumping on her couch, Oprah hammer-locked me until I coughed blood.
1. I keep a cell phone in my pants so I can tell friends to call my ass.
In the spirit of things, here’s my own list compiled of unquestionable scientific data. I call it “Top 10 100% Accurate Facts About Tom Cruise That Are So Real Katie Holmes’ Head Would Explode if She Were Actually Allowed Near the Internet or Other Communication Devices”:
1. He auditioned for the role of “Wicket” in Return of the Jedi until Harrison Ford said “There’s something weird about that kid.” They now play golf every Tuesday – underwater.
2. He once funded an expedition to Krypton after seeing Brandon Routh in Superman Returns. This led to his casting in Valkyrie to recover said financial loss.
3. He wishes puppies were made of chocolate.
4. Suri Cruise has the microfilm.
5. If you say his name backwards, Tom Cruise will return to his home dimension until summoned by the starting of David Beckham’s shower.
6. You don’t cruise by Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise tom’s by you.
7. Boxers or briefs? Nope. Diamonds!
8. Has world’s largest collection Matchbox cars – that he drives once every year.
9. Secretly knew about Spencer Pratt since first episode of Laguna Beach. Destiny will bring them together – or a Ferrari full of rohypnol.
10. His real name is neither Tom Cruise nor Thomas Mapother. It’s “Cruise Mapother: Space Fucker.”
Rachel | December 17, 2008 at 4:49 pm
poop
necessaryROUGHness | December 17, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Enough with everything Tom Cruise already…
hi | December 17, 2008 at 4:50 pm
First!
Aja ( the real ) | December 17, 2008 at 4:51 pm
OH MY GOD HE’S COVERED IN ORBS, SCIENTOLOGY IS REAL!!!
Aja ( the real ) | December 17, 2008 at 4:52 pm
OH MY GOD HE’S COVERED IN ORBS, SCIENTOLOGY IS REAL!!!
Aja ( the real ) | December 17, 2008 at 4:52 pm
OH MY GOD HE’S COVERED IN ORBS, SCIENTOLOGY IS REAL!!!
p0nk | December 17, 2008 at 4:55 pm
1. TCLTC
necessaryROUGHness | December 17, 2008 at 5:00 pm
If tom wants to know what bloggers say about him on the internet all he have to do is log to this site!!!
blp | December 17, 2008 at 5:18 pm
That is the face of Satan if ever I saw one. Homosexuality and Scientology. He’s going to the lowest of the low hell dimensions where he’ll get whipped by John Travolta and shit on by the devil himself for all eternity!
blp | December 17, 2008 at 5:22 pm
That is the face of Satan if ever I saw one. Homosexuality and Scientology. He’s going to the lowest of the low hell dimensions where he’ll get whipped by John Travolta and shit on by the devil himself for all eternity!
blp | December 17, 2008 at 5:24 pm
I forgot the part about L Ron Hubbard giving him golden showers. They’ll stop that when they see he enjoys it.
elva | December 17, 2008 at 5:43 pm
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John Blagojevich | December 17, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Wow. Your Top 10 list is just as shitty as Letterman’s.
necessaryROUGHness | December 17, 2008 at 5:50 pm
yeah whats up with that? i was going to request fish make a 10 top ten for tom till i saw that then i shut it!
Susie | December 17, 2008 at 5:58 pm
I think Tom needs to retire soon, I still have no clue why Katie is still with him!
If Katie is smart she will finally divorce him and sell off the diamond engagement ring he gave her to http://www.idonowidont.com and have a life post-tom with adorable Suri.
The top 10 list is hilarious though, I am not sure I want to see his new movie.
Dr. Phil | December 17, 2008 at 6:06 pm
He says there’s no such thing as dyslexia – according to Scientology – and yet he always turns out to be the bottom during anal sex.
necessaryROUGHness | December 17, 2008 at 6:11 pm
Can we get some kelly ripa pics on here? i never thought id be into a mom…
CaptainMorgan | December 17, 2008 at 6:30 pm
I quite liked the ‘Fish list. #5 and #8 made me laugh.
hollywood_hillbilly | December 17, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Douchie, don’t you mean into dressing up as a mom?
Mal | December 17, 2008 at 6:56 pm
looks like it’s raining dandruff.
Gina Girl | December 17, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Tom Frooze!
ummm...yeah | December 17, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Yeah fish…your fuckin list sucks shit.
Remember when you used to be funny?
Jackson'shole | December 17, 2008 at 9:04 pm
Letterman’s top ten list had zero laughs from me. It couldn’t have been less funny, really.
gerard Vandenberg | December 17, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Who wants to get personal with this american loser number one, folks?
ekki_skila | December 17, 2008 at 10:53 pm
FISH’S TOP TEN WAS funny!!
lol, you dont cruise by Tom Cruise, tom cruise tom’s by you!
spencer_douchebag_pratt | December 18, 2008 at 1:25 am
i wasnt in laguna
Hemlock Queen | December 18, 2008 at 2:41 am
Hmmm, he’s still really hot. In a batshit crazy, jumpin on couches kinda way.
I will never volutarily see that shitatistic new movie of his. He can’t act for shit.
STINK | December 18, 2008 at 5:56 am
Tom’s at his best when he’s mocking his douchebag self, but that still isn’t all that.
Aja ( the real ) | December 18, 2008 at 6:40 am
10. ) I am a whore with a moist opening in my furry pelt.
9. ) I am a whore with a moist opening in my furry pelt.
8. ) I am a whore with a moist opening in my furry pelt.
7. ) I am a whore with a moist opening in my furry pelt.
6. ) I am a whore with a moist opening in my furry pelt.
5. ) I am a whore with a moist opening in my furry pelt.
4. ) I am a whore with a moist opening in my furry pelt.
3. ) I am a whore with a moist opening in my furry pelt.
2. ) I am a whore with a moist opening in my furry pelt.
1. ) I am a whore with a moist opening in my furry pelt.
RichPort's Ghost | December 18, 2008 at 8:45 am
TCLTC
jesses469 | December 18, 2008 at 9:20 am
Mister Mxyzptlk, bitches.
dew | December 18, 2008 at 9:32 am
I want some backstory on why Tom’s back-pedaling from his Scientology-induced insanity.
I can’t imagine Tom Cruise having enough wits to humble himself like this voluntarily, even though it’s extremely warranted. I suspect his Scientology puppeteers forced a new manager/publicist on him — and definitely not his sister ROFL.
toolboy | December 18, 2008 at 3:37 pm
I like Fish’s list much better..Helmet pinchers my man, helmet pinchers.
fla | December 18, 2008 at 5:17 pm
right on #13
Davisgothis | December 19, 2008 at 1:26 am
Tom is a real cool guy. He even supports his son Connor in acting. He is one of my favorite actors.
Davisgothis | December 19, 2008 at 1:35 am
I love Tom Cruise
hdd media player | May 20, 2010 at 7:19 am
If ever I’ve seen the devil face. Homosexuality and Scientology. At that hell dimension where he will meet John Travolta and shit himself whipped by the Devil for all eternity is going to the lowest!