Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes to wed in summer

April 4th, 2006 // 65 Comments

cruise-holmes-summer-wed.jpgTom Cruise told Germany’s leading tabloid Bild yesterday that he plans to marry Katie Holmes in the summer after she gives birth to their baby and the release of his movie Mission Impossible III.

superficial

  1. CheekyChops

    Poor Katie drank the Koolade.

  2. boo

    dude, Mister Superficial, i hate to point it out, but fix your typos.

  3. Yes Tom, first the film, then the baby, then marriage. Way to go on those priorities. Crap movie, bastard baby, sham marriage. Nooooo, you’re not a crazy little homo midget, not at all.

  4. heifferzzz

    Come on editor, he obviously needs two pilots so one can fly the plane while the other gives him some sweet manlove… & then they swap… & then they’re like, ‘fuck it’ & put it on auto & have a threesome because TOM LOVES THE COCK!!

  5. heifferzzz

    Come on editor, he obviously needs two pilots so one can fly the plane while the other gives him some sweet manlove… & then they swap… & then they’re like, ‘fuck it’ & put it on auto & have a threesome because TOM LOVES THE COCK!!

  6. Saying “I won’t let this woman get away” sounds like he’s holding her captive. I’d suggest it was a Freudian slip, but we all know what Tom thinks of Freud.

  7. gsprescueguy

    “I won’t let this woman get away.”

    Hmmm…..Sounds a little, dead body in the basement, serial killerish, don’t ya think?

    Katie, run away.

  8. sweetcheeks

    Glossed Over — such wit! I do love a clever burn. Especially after reading things like “manlove, gay, gaygaygaygay tomcruise likes penis gay.” It’s like reading the musings of a 11 year old boy. All it’s missing is a fart joke and boogers. You, GlossedOver, are the only one who made me laugh.

  9. LRonHubbaHubba

    The American dream:
    Closeted, 5’3″ alien-watcher brainwashes and impregnates normal girl from Iowa.

    Boycott MI3!!

  10. Mr. Fritz

    first-the-baby-then-the-film-then-in-summer-we-want-to-get-married-i-wont-let-this-woman-get-away-he-sounds-like-a-kidnapper-ive-never-liked-this-douchebag-and-ive-boycotted-all-of-his-movies-why-couldnt-tom-do-a-brandon-lee-on-the-mission-impossible-iii-movie-set

  11. Dark Procrastinator

    They should do Mission Impossible IV based on his life. Impossible to imagine ..

  12. playahater101

    You know he had one of the other freak scientologists get her pregnant after they fed her some drugged chocolate mousse like in Rosemary’s Baby. Just so he could make sure he wouldn’t let her get away. And now he’s playing it off like it’s his baby.

    I read that he is waiting to marry her until there is a solid prenuptual agreement. Probably something along the lines of “In the case of divorce, Tom gets control of the child and you get nothing except a broken career and stretch marks”. Sounds like true love to me!

  13. krisdylee

    2 pilots, a fast plane. Old Tom wanted to sit in the cockpit. No, wait, he IS a cockpit. hahahahahahahaa

  14. playahater101

    He looks a little looney in that picture, too. I’m sure he has her holed up in the Scientology center while he is gone to make sure she doesn’t come to her senses and run back home to her family.

  15. Maeve97

    I thinks it’s really weird how Tom always refers to Katie as “this woman.” Like, “this woman is magnificent,” etc. It’s like she’s an object or something.

  16. MystressJade

    Is it me or does that pic look like Katie’s head is cut off? It’s kind of like “The Omen” when the photographer sees his own demise in a picture he took of himself….

    Creepy….Run, Katie….

  17. katie

    this guy is like the george bush of the acting world. totally delusional and out of touch with reality. not to mention they are both misogynists.
    shes just as stupid as he is. shes a crap actress, ugly, and now a robot. congrats you dumb beeeyatch

  18. trish

    I love Tom’s priorities. Like the whole “first baby, then movie, then ‘lifelong’ commitment to brainwashed ninny”.

    OR like being in GERMANY to do a movie promoting talk show while the ‘love of your life’ could go into labor at any moment. Yeah, because with two pilots on standby, the flight from Germany to California is so short that you won’t miss any of that good silent labor.

  19. if-its-pink-i'll-take-it

    RUN KATIE, RUN!!!!!!!!

  20. Italian Stallion

    First the baby, then the film, then we will build a spaceship and fly into the sun….
    That would be cool although it sounds like risky business…..

  21. Craig & "em"

    So…I’m looking at Tom’s wig and waiting for it to jump in the air, and then it all started to make sense!
    Tom Cruise is really the lead singer for THE WAY OUTS! You know…the scientology band from The Flintstones that gave us these great lyrics:
    (sing along if u remember)

    “There’s a place where I can go
    And that’s where I wanna be
    I’m sayin’ good-bye to you, good people,
    For I’ve found a place for me!
    (Yeah yeah yeaaaaaaah…)

    Gonna go way out…WAY OUT!
    That’s where the fun is, way out…WAY OUT!
    That’s where the sun is, way out…
    WAY OUT!

    Where I wanna be,
    For there’s a place for me-e-EEE!”

    I’m no genius, but that must mean that they’re giving birth to the Great Gazoo!
    Dum Dums!

  22. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    Tom Cruise to-do list.
    1. Finish taping “Wetten Das”.
    2. Force female Katie to spawn birth-matter.
    3. Pilates followed by Soy Martinis with Travolta at Suki’s.
    4. Remember to ask Travolta what “Wetten Das” is.
    5. Send female Katie’s consultant Blackberry message to assure the female is remaining silent and is not contaminating the birth matter with touching or breastfeeding.
    6. MI-3 press-conference to appear with female Katie to remind public/ media that we are in love and have produced baby spawn.
    7. Love some cock.
    8. Send jet to fly over female Kidman’s house and drop 500 copies of Risky Business from the sky (ha ha).
    9. Attend weekly bathhouse meeting in lubricated preparation for uniting with the great leader.
    10. Purchase ass-plugs to prevent leakage from last night’s unity with great leader.

  23. Cruise reiterated his statement reguarding Miss Holmes by saying ” I won’t let this woman get away…even if I have to have the Scientology elders whack her.”

  24. BigJim

    These wack job scientologists (lower case “s” intentional) are everywhere. Check this list of celebrity scientologists: http://home.snafu.de/tilman/faq-you/celeb.txt

    You have to scroll down a bit through the updates, but then it gets to a list that is scarily long.

  25. txb

    people have you forgot that he was once married. why would he be in a rush to marry a girl he controls and ruined publicly and privately? he’s on top of the world- in his own little head. can’t wait for the updates.

  26. maryaries

    I love the way the rest of the world of celebrities go through that first relationship of being so cute and public about being a couple and then the bad breakup occurs and then they “know better” and they keep it to themselves so that they can retain some sense of normalcy. Tom Cruise doesn’t have to hide anything, see? Because it’s all perfectly NORMAL and ABOVE BOARD and HETEROSEXUAL and everyone can know every details because it’s FOR REAL, OK?!
    I can’t wait until his kids are old enough to talk to the press.

  27. bjpack

    Not many people know this but before he ended up with Katie Holmes, Tom had selected Whitney Houston as his Scientological mate. She was to leave Bobby Brown and join the cause. In the end, she said no. Let’s just say that Katie’s room is wallpapered with pictures of Whitney’s bathroom. It is a sad story and there won’t be a happy ending.

  28. MizScarlett

    I saw the clip of Little Big Man on that German TV show, where he made his manly entrance on a motorcycle. I’m surprised he didn’t parachute in and slam through the ceiling. Sorry, Asshole, no macho posings will ever hide that you’re King of the Cocksmen.

    O For a Cruise-free World! The only bigger schmuck than Tom was L. Ron Hubbard, and at least he has the courtesy to be dead.

    Cruiser is just the last in a long line of old queens dallying with young, well-paid, stupid, stupid and sometimes pregnant actresses, in a pathetic attempt to convince himself he’s not 100% Cockhound.

    I wish he’d stop making movies (or, as he calls them, “films,” like he’s Fellini)and I with he’d stop referring to poor, robotic Katie as “Kate” or “that woman” and I wish no one would ever have him on their show again. And don’t get me started on his spawn.

    Yes, #10, Boycott MI3, indeed. Cruise must be stopped, like Hitler.

  29. tits_on_snack

    “Tom Cruise’s wig..”
    LMFAO.

  30. NJGirl83

    Ugh….a little Tom Cruise..

    It makes me laugh when I think of a baby with tom cruise’s head..but also makes me scream in terror.

  31. lebowski

    Ummm, I don’t wanna sound queer or nothin’, but thinking about Tom Cruise doing the Risky Buisiness dance with 5 inch platform shoes w/ golfish in the heel makes me chuckle.

    He’s short. And gay.

  32. Conductor71

    If anyone could possibly explain Tom Cruise to himself, he would surely do the decent thing and stab himself to death with a rusty screwdriver

  33. Maybe the baby will look like it’s father…..”Sample #275 from Freezer #7″

  34. Trotter

    That baby. We all know it will burst out as some hideous chimera, like the half-alien, half-human thing in “V”. And it will be suck cock just like daddy.

  35. Maybe the baby will look like it’s father…..”Sample number 275 from Freezer number7″

  36. The nurse at the fertility clinic said that Tom was the only father ever to forget to bring in a semen sample, run out back to the alley and return with three different samples in his mouth.

  37. Zed

    Tom, you’ve got the order all wrong! It’s:

    1. sign multi-million-dollar “Thetan wife contract”
    2. mesmorize the “innocent one” named Katie using Kool Aid and cool wrap-around sunglasses
    3. bring on the turkey baster!!
    4. baby delivered 1 to 1.5 years after insemination in traditional Scientology silent birth ceremony. Doctors, nurses, and Thetan wife must use extra-heavy-duty duct tape over mouths and use only understandable hand movements. No shushing allowed!
    5. hold a super-duper giganto wedding to legitimize the baby and to “prove” to everyone that you are not gay.
    6. Buy new wig. Make sure it’s not gay.
    7. Officially end “acting” career, to the joy of millions. Early retirement coincides with #8.
    8. Head out of “Earth zone” in a Scientology spaceship. On board: Tom, turkey baster, Thetan wife Kate, Baby Xenu, stepkids, and all other Scientology celebrities and friends/relatives, to live in eternal happiness on a far-away-planet known as Hubbardworld.

    We cannot wait for #8, Tom. We CANNOT wait. Will it be soon?

  38. Zed

    Tom, you’ve got the order all wrong! It’s:

    1. sign multi-million-dollar “Thetan wife contract”
    2. mesmorize the “innocent one” named Katie using Kool Aid and cool wrap-around sunglasses
    3. bring on the turkey baster!!
    4. baby delivered 1 to 1.5 years after insemination in traditional Scientology silent birth ceremony. Doctors, nurses, and Thetan wife must use extra-heavy-duty duct tape over mouths and use only understandable hand movements. No shushing allowed!
    5. hold a super-duper giganto wedding to legitimize the baby and to “prove” to everyone that you are not gay.
    6. Buy new wig. Make sure it’s not gay.
    7. Officially end “acting” career, to the joy of millions. Early retirement coincides with #8.
    8. Head out of “Earth zone” in a Scientology spaceship. On board: Tom, turkey baster, Thetan wife Kate, Baby Xenu, stepkids, and all other Scientology celebrities and friends/relatives, to live in eternal happiness on a far-away-planet known as Hubbardworld.

    We cannot wait for #8, Tom. We CANNOT wait. Will it be soon?

  39. Zed

    Tom, you’ve got the order all wrong! It’s:

    1. sign multi-million-dollar Thetan wife contract
    2. mesmorize the innocent one named Katie using Kool Aid and cool wrap-around sunglasses
    3. bring on the turkey baster!!
    4. baby delivered 1 to 1.5 years after insemination in traditional Scientology silent birth ceremony. Doctors, nurses, and Thetan wife must use extra-heavy-duty duct tape over mouths and use only understandable hand movements. No shushing allowed!
    5. hold a super-duper giganto wedding to legitimize the baby and to prove to everyone that you are not gay.
    6. Buy new wig. Make sure it’s not gay.
    7. Officially end acting career, to the joy of millions. Early retirement agrees with you–your early retirement agrees with everyone else too!
    8. Head out of “Earth zone” in a Scientology spaceship. On board are Tom, turkey baster, Thetan wife Kate, Baby Xenu, stepkids, and all other Scientology celebrities, to live in eternal happiness on a far-away-planet known as Hubbardworld.

    We cannot wait for #8, Tom. We CANNOT wait. Will it be soon?

  40. Zed

    God, I hate when that happens.

  41. I blame the other post that has a video ov Star Jones falling down for all the repeat posts happening today. You can’t have a shockwave like that without suffering some consequences.

  42. Craig & "em"

    CONTINUATION OF TOM CRUISE’S STATEMENT

    T.C:
    “Trust me…she’s tried before! She’ll never do THAT again. Just ask my first wife Linda.”

    REPORTER:
    Who?

    T.C:
    “Exactly”

  43. Craig & "em"

    CONTINUATION OF TOM CRUISE’S STATEMENT:

    T.C:
    “Trust me…she’s tried before. She’ll never do that again. Just ask my first wife Linda.”

    REPORTER:
    Who?

    T.C:
    Exactly!!

  44. maiira

    “I won’t let this woman get away”??

    That sentence quite literally made me shudder. That douchebag is getting creepier by the day.

    FREE WWEETY!

  45. hafaball

    I’ve said it before, but i’ll say it again, can all you retards stop puting “First!!” …or if you do at least put something else, so you don;t look so fucking dumb…

    Oh yeah…Tom Cruise..umm, I just hope he doesn’t eat the baby

  46. Tracy

    “I won’t let this woman get away… and to be sure, I’ve fitted her with a radio-controlled white cotton unitard to be worn under her clothing at all times. Sure, it’s ugly and uncomfortable, but it’s effective. If she goes outside the compound, she gets a gentle little shock in the wazoo to remind her who’s boss.”

  47. boredatwurk

    I honestly wonder if Mission Impossible 3 will do well at all. Tom Cruise doesn’t seem to have many fans left.

  48. No_Angel

    Oh, poor ‘amazing’ Katie and poor little baby. If there were any justice in this world the psycho-babbling TC’s of the world would be just shrivel up and disappear with every stoooopid word that falls ever so slowly from their fake-white perfect teeth mouths.

    Priorities? “Film” before baby before wedding? Fucking LA. When does it slide off and become its own island of weirdness?

    And while I’m ranting about stoooopid TC, does anyone think that MI:3 or 4 or whatever the hell it is really deserves a designation of “film” instead of just plain old summer find-some-AC-it’s-too-hot-to-play-outside movie?

    Idiot.

  49. nbk

    Holy shit, BigJim (#25), where did you find that website? That list of celebrity scientologist is never ending. And as I scroll down it is just creeping me out more and more.

    Hmm, very disturbing.. very…

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