I must be psychic, because official Tom Cruise day has turned out to be super official Tom Cruise day. According to two inside sources, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes gave birth to a baby girl in Los Angeles today. There aren’t any other details, but I’m sure the name and race will be available soon. Personally, I’m hoping for a Xenunian named “Blorlok the Pretty.” Wait, that’s what they’re called, right? Xenunians?
And in other slightly ironic baby news, Brooke Shields gave birth to a baby girl today as well. Too bad not a single living human being cares. That’s what happens when you don’t jump on Oprah’s sofa and make fun of people for taking medicine.
UPDATE: Looks like the official name of the baby is Suri, which means
Ez-EEEE | April 18, 2006 at 7:28 pm
TC LOVES THE COCK
MissAppropriated | April 18, 2006 at 7:28 pm
Congrats Katie and Tom on the birth of their beautiful pillow/belly harness.
Jonboy in SF | April 18, 2006 at 7:28 pm
They named her Suri? Mmmm…kay!
newbondsux | April 18, 2006 at 7:29 pm
first! alien baby – woo hoo
tits_on_snack | April 18, 2006 at 7:29 pm
i knew it!
newbondsux | April 18, 2006 at 7:29 pm
damn
InsomniActress | April 18, 2006 at 7:29 pm
“Suri with the fringe on top”
lawgrrl | April 18, 2006 at 7:30 pm
How super ironic that Tom and Brooke were engaged in a very public battle around this time last year centering on childbirth and motherhood, and the next year their kids are born on the same day.
InsomniActress | April 18, 2006 at 7:30 pm
Suri Cruise
Sounds like a Royal Carribean ship.
MeganHarris | April 18, 2006 at 7:31 pm
Is it human?
InsomniActress | April 18, 2006 at 7:32 pm
Twenty bucks says in 20 years the girl is going to be an alcoholic with the nickname “Slurry”.
Iwannabeacelebrity | April 18, 2006 at 7:32 pm
That poor kid..not only is her dad gay but her mom’s going to be chock full of anti-depressants. She is one shrink’s couch away from disaster. Good luck there..Suri?
Erienne | April 18, 2006 at 7:32 pm
its a girl-
http://msnbc.msn.com/id/12376298/
Mary45 | April 18, 2006 at 7:33 pm
WTF – the name sounds Namibian – did they steal it from Brangelina?
sara1beth2 | April 18, 2006 at 7:33 pm
Hmmm. Suri/Surrogate. Surrogate-carrying baby for someone you aren’t sexually or emotionally involved with.
Boomstick | April 18, 2006 at 7:36 pm
so Cruise AND Shields have a kid on the same day? in the year 2039 our fates will be in their hands when they are locked in mortal combat
radio3play | April 18, 2006 at 7:40 pm
did he eat katie’s placenta? barf barf barf barf
ellaminnowpea | April 18, 2006 at 7:40 pm
@8 & 16 — Looks like we’ll all see: Karma’s a Bitch!! woohoo!!!
tits_on_snack | April 18, 2006 at 7:40 pm
lol #17.
Just think, guys. He could be eating it riiiiiight nowwww.
InsomniActress | April 18, 2006 at 7:41 pm
Let it not escape our attention that Brooke Shields named her daughter GRIER HAMMOND.
This is possibly the least feminine name I’ve ever seen.
Grier rhymes with queer, fear, and smear. Poor girl.
And Hammond? Like “Hammond Eggs”? Grier Eggs and Hammond.
Binky | April 18, 2006 at 7:41 pm
I was on a ‘Suri Cruise’ once, but after a while I switched over to Princess. Then one day she said ” Get off me Binky !”
Which sent me back to the bottle.
Congrats !
Maybe this site will go off Cruise-Control!
InsomniActress | April 18, 2006 at 7:43 pm
Is it me, or does “Suri Cruise” sound a bit like “Syracuse”?
cranky | April 18, 2006 at 7:43 pm
the guys on E said the name meant princess in hebrew…
i wonder how many eyes/legs/antennae this kid has. lord knows she was in there long enough to mutate
viewaskewniverse | April 18, 2006 at 7:43 pm
TIE HER TUBES TOMORROW PLZ. KTHNXBAI!
sweepea | April 18, 2006 at 7:44 pm
I think we should take bets on how long Katie is contractual obligated to now stay with Tom.
ILovePapaSmurf | April 18, 2006 at 7:45 pm
I think secretly Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields hate each other because they were caught in the closet together during the 80s at a Christmas party. That’s what happens when you get two stars together who have no career….
Iambananas | April 18, 2006 at 7:46 pm
I was waiting! Finally!!! I wonder how it went, if Katie is okay… I bet their baby is cute… can’t wait to see the first pics. Don’t know about the name, though… his name is Tom and hers is Katie… think they’d pick a normal name like theirs. Still, it’s cute… a little wired, but cute.
mmmBitch | April 18, 2006 at 7:46 pm
Wait for the pictures of Crazy Ol’ Tom dangling his baby over the balcony for the crowds gathered below.
Oh Tom, you almost make Michael Jackson look normal, and he puts bags over his kids heads.
hakujin | April 18, 2006 at 7:47 pm
Suri Cruise, huh?
Must of been conceived in New York
frozenrayoflight | April 18, 2006 at 7:47 pm
here is the first picture of Tom eating the placenta!
http://s27.photobucket.com/albums/c187/nurseflamingo/?action=view¤t=cruefete6.jpg
ellaminnowpea | April 18, 2006 at 7:49 pm
duh! of course Katie is okay…she’s still in her trance and she won’t remember a thing about childbirth…in 3 days she’ll be back in the stores….shopping….wandering aimlessly with a giant handbag on her arm…and smiling her frozen smile for the paparazzi…TCLTC with the fringe on the top!
ellaminnowpea | April 18, 2006 at 7:50 pm
@30 – darned near pissed myself!!!
tits_on_snack | April 18, 2006 at 7:51 pm
The image in my head….
Katie, “silent birth”, laying in bed and not making a sound. The baby alone, crying by itself, with nobody talking to it or picking it up. While Tom Cruise is eating Katie’s afterbirth.
sherry-co | April 18, 2006 at 7:53 pm
What a beautiful couple, and what a joyous day this must be for them as they welcome there precious bundle of joy, Suri, into there lives!! I think you all are jealous!
Obadiah | April 18, 2006 at 7:53 pm
Tom will be eating good tonight! Placenta. Mm Mm Mm Mm. Toasty.
Obadiah | April 18, 2006 at 7:54 pm
Sherry-co, shut up! I’m not jealous of them. I’m jealous of you, because I’m not dumb and stupid…but mainly dumb.
Binky | April 18, 2006 at 7:55 pm
# 30 You’re right !
That’s why this superficial site is somewhat reality – based.
You assume these Hollywood stars are always posh and ‘first-class’ – but the pic proves they eat a lot of ‘left-overs.’
Sister Morphine | April 18, 2006 at 7:56 pm
#34
Tom loves the cock.
Jacq | April 18, 2006 at 7:56 pm
Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. Oh my god. I was on MSN and I saw that and ran here and I’m totally out of breath because I’m so fucking fat. I have to take trips when I haul ass. Ok, now I’m going to read the story.
Jacq | April 18, 2006 at 8:02 pm
Ok, ROFLMAO :) Fucking hilarious. I bet that it was like Coneheads when she went into labor. Where she flooded the basement apartment and everything? And the noise she made? Hoo-lee-shit.
***Transmission: Katie has given birth to the living human fetus spawn.***
Ummm, should there be 4 horsemen in my yard? And is the sky red at anyone else’s house? Guys?! I’m scared.
I couldn’t be happier that I DO NOT smoke weed right now, just in case anyone from works hangs around here.
Jacq | April 18, 2006 at 8:03 pm
#33 – Sounds totally natural and normal. TOOOOTALLY. LOL
katlady12 | April 18, 2006 at 8:05 pm
I bet Tom’s dining on placentas riiight this second.
mamacita | April 18, 2006 at 8:06 pm
Suri!!!!!!!!! That was the name of one of the lemurs on that computer animated flick “Dinosaur”. That has nothing to do with anything, but I just think it’s fitting that Tom and Katie’s pretend baby shares a name with a pretend lemur on a crappy movie. Anyhoo, Jacq the sky isn’t red at my house, but there are quite a lot of locusts outside.
Keira_Sh!tely | April 18, 2006 at 8:07 pm
ok – so Suri is something deep and meaningful in hebrew? But the Gospel according to Tom says you can be Jewish and Scientologist but they are just Scientologists…..so why call their child a Hebrew name??
its so confusing
but what the hey
TCLTC
and in other news – beards are back in fashion
Jacq | April 18, 2006 at 8:07 pm
I love The Superficial so much that I would marry it. I bet that’s never been done before. It could get publicity for Papa’s little proyecto. I’m like a pig in shit right now. Where’s the scatologist when you need her?
Giggles | April 18, 2006 at 8:07 pm
Will they ** PLEASE ** go away now?
I am very happy to honor request for “privacy during this difficult, er, joyous time.”
(Whatever…those releases are all the same.)
InsomniActress | April 18, 2006 at 8:08 pm
Wait, isn’t Tom’s real last name “Mapother”?
Maybe the kid isn’t “Suri Cruise” at all.
She might be “Suri Holmes Mapother”
ellaminnowpea | April 18, 2006 at 8:10 pm
..yeah…what a beautiful couple of losers! We’re all jealous of a guy who’s been married twice and knocks up a chick young enough to be his daughter…
The MOTHERSHIP lands tonight….all ya’ll in LA keep yer eyes peeled!!!!
Jacq | April 18, 2006 at 8:10 pm
Ahhh, right there. Love ya’!
Keira_Sh!tely | April 18, 2006 at 8:11 pm
oh and Jewish AND Persian?
sooooooo anti American – like that ho Angelina
where is Bella1218 when you need her?