Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes give birth to Suri

April 18th, 2006 // 226 Comments
tomkat-baby.jpg

I must be psychic, because official Tom Cruise day has turned out to be super official Tom Cruise day. According to two inside sources, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes gave birth to a baby girl in Los Angeles today. There aren’t any other details, but I’m sure the name and race will be available soon. Personally, I’m hoping for a Xenunian named “Blorlok the Pretty.” Wait, that’s what they’re called, right? Xenunians?

And in other slightly ironic baby news, Brooke Shields gave birth to a baby girl today as well. Too bad not a single living human being cares. That’s what happens when you don’t jump on Oprah’s sofa and make fun of people for taking medicine.

UPDATE: Looks like the official name of the baby is Suri, which means

superficial

  1. Ez-EEEE

    TC LOVES THE COCK

  2. MissAppropriated

    Congrats Katie and Tom on the birth of their beautiful pillow/belly harness.

  3. Jonboy in SF

    They named her Suri? Mmmm…kay!

  4. newbondsux

    first! alien baby – woo hoo

  5. tits_on_snack

    i knew it!

  6. newbondsux

    damn

  7. InsomniActress

    “Suri with the fringe on top”

  8. lawgrrl

    How super ironic that Tom and Brooke were engaged in a very public battle around this time last year centering on childbirth and motherhood, and the next year their kids are born on the same day.

  9. InsomniActress

    Suri Cruise

    Sounds like a Royal Carribean ship.

  10. InsomniActress

    Twenty bucks says in 20 years the girl is going to be an alcoholic with the nickname “Slurry”.

  11. Iwannabeacelebrity

    That poor kid..not only is her dad gay but her mom’s going to be chock full of anti-depressants. She is one shrink’s couch away from disaster. Good luck there..Suri?

  12. Mary45

    WTF – the name sounds Namibian – did they steal it from Brangelina?

  13. sara1beth2

    Hmmm. Suri/Surrogate. Surrogate-carrying baby for someone you aren’t sexually or emotionally involved with.

  14. Boomstick

    so Cruise AND Shields have a kid on the same day? in the year 2039 our fates will be in their hands when they are locked in mortal combat

  15. radio3play

    did he eat katie’s placenta? barf barf barf barf

  16. ellaminnowpea

    @8 & 16 — Looks like we’ll all see: Karma’s a Bitch!! woohoo!!!

  17. tits_on_snack

    lol #17.
    Just think, guys. He could be eating it riiiiiight nowwww.

  18. InsomniActress

    Let it not escape our attention that Brooke Shields named her daughter GRIER HAMMOND.

    This is possibly the least feminine name I’ve ever seen.

    Grier rhymes with queer, fear, and smear. Poor girl.

    And Hammond? Like “Hammond Eggs”? Grier Eggs and Hammond.

  19. Binky

    I was on a ‘Suri Cruise’ once, but after a while I switched over to Princess. Then one day she said ” Get off me Binky !”
    Which sent me back to the bottle.
    Congrats !
    Maybe this site will go off Cruise-Control!

  20. InsomniActress

    Is it me, or does “Suri Cruise” sound a bit like “Syracuse”?

  21. cranky

    the guys on E said the name meant princess in hebrew…

    i wonder how many eyes/legs/antennae this kid has. lord knows she was in there long enough to mutate

  22. viewaskewniverse

    TIE HER TUBES TOMORROW PLZ. KTHNXBAI!

  23. I think we should take bets on how long Katie is contractual obligated to now stay with Tom.

  24. I think secretly Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields hate each other because they were caught in the closet together during the 80s at a Christmas party. That’s what happens when you get two stars together who have no career….

  25. Iambananas

    I was waiting! Finally!!! I wonder how it went, if Katie is okay… I bet their baby is cute… can’t wait to see the first pics. Don’t know about the name, though… his name is Tom and hers is Katie… think they’d pick a normal name like theirs. Still, it’s cute… a little wired, but cute.

  26. mmmBitch

    Wait for the pictures of Crazy Ol’ Tom dangling his baby over the balcony for the crowds gathered below.

    Oh Tom, you almost make Michael Jackson look normal, and he puts bags over his kids heads.

  27. hakujin

    Suri Cruise, huh?

    Must of been conceived in New York

  28. frozenrayoflight
  29. ellaminnowpea

    duh! of course Katie is okay…she’s still in her trance and she won’t remember a thing about childbirth…in 3 days she’ll be back in the stores….shopping….wandering aimlessly with a giant handbag on her arm…and smiling her frozen smile for the paparazzi…TCLTC with the fringe on the top!

  30. ellaminnowpea

    @30 – darned near pissed myself!!!

  31. tits_on_snack

    The image in my head….
    Katie, “silent birth”, laying in bed and not making a sound. The baby alone, crying by itself, with nobody talking to it or picking it up. While Tom Cruise is eating Katie’s afterbirth.

  32. sherry-co

    What a beautiful couple, and what a joyous day this must be for them as they welcome there precious bundle of joy, Suri, into there lives!! I think you all are jealous!

  33. Tom will be eating good tonight! Placenta. Mm Mm Mm Mm. Toasty.

  34. Sherry-co, shut up! I’m not jealous of them. I’m jealous of you, because I’m not dumb and stupid…but mainly dumb.

  35. Binky

    # 30 You’re right !
    That’s why this superficial site is somewhat reality – based.
    You assume these Hollywood stars are always posh and ‘first-class’ – but the pic proves they eat a lot of ‘left-overs.’

  36. #34

    Tom loves the cock.

  37. Jacq

    Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. Oh my god. I was on MSN and I saw that and ran here and I’m totally out of breath because I’m so fucking fat. I have to take trips when I haul ass. Ok, now I’m going to read the story.

  38. Jacq

    Ok, ROFLMAO :) Fucking hilarious. I bet that it was like Coneheads when she went into labor. Where she flooded the basement apartment and everything? And the noise she made? Hoo-lee-shit.

    ***Transmission: Katie has given birth to the living human fetus spawn.***

    Ummm, should there be 4 horsemen in my yard? And is the sky red at anyone else’s house? Guys?! I’m scared.

    I couldn’t be happier that I DO NOT smoke weed right now, just in case anyone from works hangs around here.

  39. Jacq

    #33 – Sounds totally natural and normal. TOOOOTALLY. LOL

  40. katlady12

    I bet Tom’s dining on placentas riiight this second.

  41. mamacita

    Suri!!!!!!!!! That was the name of one of the lemurs on that computer animated flick “Dinosaur”. That has nothing to do with anything, but I just think it’s fitting that Tom and Katie’s pretend baby shares a name with a pretend lemur on a crappy movie. Anyhoo, Jacq the sky isn’t red at my house, but there are quite a lot of locusts outside.

  42. Keira_Sh!tely

    ok – so Suri is something deep and meaningful in hebrew? But the Gospel according to Tom says you can be Jewish and Scientologist but they are just Scientologists…..so why call their child a Hebrew name??

    its so confusing

    but what the hey

    TCLTC

    and in other news – beards are back in fashion

  43. Jacq

    I love The Superficial so much that I would marry it. I bet that’s never been done before. It could get publicity for Papa’s little proyecto. I’m like a pig in shit right now. Where’s the scatologist when you need her?

  44. Giggles

    Will they ** PLEASE ** go away now?

    I am very happy to honor request for “privacy during this difficult, er, joyous time.”

    (Whatever…those releases are all the same.)

  45. InsomniActress

    Wait, isn’t Tom’s real last name “Mapother”?

    Maybe the kid isn’t “Suri Cruise” at all.

    She might be “Suri Holmes Mapother”

  46. ellaminnowpea

    ..yeah…what a beautiful couple of losers! We’re all jealous of a guy who’s been married twice and knocks up a chick young enough to be his daughter…
    The MOTHERSHIP lands tonight….all ya’ll in LA keep yer eyes peeled!!!!

  47. Jacq

    Ahhh, right there. Love ya’!

  48. Keira_Sh!tely

    oh and Jewish AND Persian?

    sooooooo anti American – like that ho Angelina

    where is Bella1218 when you need her?

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