Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are so married

November 20th, 2006 // 129 Comments

  1. ALgal

    Tom looks so unhappy. I haven’t seen him smile big since before she got knocked up.

  2. alaskanchicsickle

    I hope those two crazy kids have a happy fairy tale marriage. Yeah, stranger things have happened.

  3. jrzmommy

    I’ve seen better looking heads on pints of Guinness.

  4. wednesdayheartattack

    Her dress is boring. C- for Armani. Although the Church of Scientology probably designed it based on mysterious papers found in L. Ron Hubbard’s old underpants.

  5. Porcelina

    #1 you’re right. He looks like hes thinking ‘dear God, what have I done?’

  6. Anonymous

    Thank God that’s over!

  7. He should have stood on a pile of always makes you look taller.oh yea..i heard he loves the cock.

  8. cozyflannelgirl

    And she’s thinking “CHA CHING!”

    Look how tightly they’re gripping hands. Like both of them are afraid the other one is going to bolt any second now.

    And either she’s standing in a hole or they ‘shopped out the box he’s standing on.

  9. I think it’s funny that they’re both the same height in the photos. She’s obviously scrunching down in the photos (and most likely at Tom’s request!) Jayna

  10. #1

    I hope he is unhappy! I hope he is so unhappy that he succumbs to the negative energy that Xenu directs towards all that is Tom Cruise and happiness. I hope that all worldwide “suppressive people” come together and join hands to increase Xenu’s power against the Tom Cruise! Mwahahaha!!! Send them to the volcanos!! Ahahahahaha!!!

  11. Unmarked_Art

    If I’m not mistaken, Suri’s nanny is totally going to jump off the roof with a rope around her neck any day now and Tom Cruise will be made Ambassador.

  12. Oh, wow! An update! Great job, fish!

  13. CakeGirl

    I am pathetically enthralled by this whole charade. I hope she’s getting paid well for this. Anyone who thinks that baby is his is just as crazy.

  14. slantingthroughdarkness

    Those must’ve been some good drugs he gave her.

  15. Celetina

    I’m a little confused. In the beginning he was the super-smiley one while she didn’t seem to be quite With It, but now that’s been reversed. Or, well, that’s not really it either. She has an attractive smile, but it’s more fitting of a model in a magazine than a radiant, ecstatic bride. Meanwhile, he looks like he’s…not even there. It’s the look people get at staff meetings when they’ve given up on the topic at hand and started thinking about something else. That’s hardly the expression you want to have in one of the most important pictures you’ll ever take.

  16. BarbadoSlim

    there is a “NOT” missing between so and married in the title.

  17. If we can see your knees bending through a WEDDING GOWN, you’re not fooling anybody. She’s going to disappear for a few months and come back with mysteriously shorter shins…

  18. BarbadoSlim

    Nah #10, for that special effect Tom had to call the good folks over at Industrial Light and Magic who collaborated with Lucasfilm to create the new CGI technology to make the impossible seem possible.

    Let’s give ‘em a hand folks.

  19. sexybitch

    Tom Cruise acting like he’s happy to be married?
    Mission Impossible IV!

  20. BarbadoSlim

    Let’s have a peek a what they’re thinking, shall we?

    Katie: So is it, 20 mil if I stick it for 5 years…?

    TC: I love the cock, oh sooooo love cock, I wish I was doing cock right now….

  21. mrs.t

    That there Eye-talian castle looks an awful lot like the grotto at the Playboy mansion.

  22. sexybitch

    It looks like a bad Hallmark card.

  23. jrzmommy

    I give it one more brat and three more years and then Game Over.

  24. DancingQueen

    The look on his face is because he’s final realized that she doesn’t have a cock. You know the one he loves so much.

  25. jrzmommy

    I think old Giorgio Armani needs to retire if that dress is the best he could come up with. I mean, is that a fucking joke? And what is the matter with her big fucking lower lip? Is she Katie Gump?

  26. drphil

    #24 ummm…ok. but what about Tom and Kate?

  27. RichPort

    How big are the fucking lifts he’s wearing? I know she’s slouched over, but fuck, he looks the same height as her. Did the cut off her feet? Fucking peg-legged money grubbing beeotch.


  28. RichPort

    Looking at the picture again, it seems that the got married in the pits of Hell… just as I imagined.

  29. mrs.t

    He’s thinking to himself, “Is the hole deep enough? Does she have both feet in the hole? Is she crouching? Does it LOOK like she’s crouching? Fuck, forgot to smile.”

  30. CourtneyJade

    #1 & #6, whoa whoa whoa! ok, he definitely looks unhappy, but to say that he hasnt looked happy since BEFORE she got pregnant?! come on! everyone knows he’s gay and having a child gives people the impression that he actually had sex with her. her pregnancy was the best news of his life! i’m just trying to figure out if she was artificially inseminated or if someone else knocked her up. the kid could be his, but either way, i think his unhappiness has more to do with having to touch a woman and less to do with the kid.

  31. jrzmommy

    27—ummmm….fuck you. how’s that?

  32. sexybitch

    Giorgio didn’t do too bad a job considering the dress had to be lined with tinfoil to pick up signals from the Mother Ship.

  33. BarbadoSlim

    hahahaha if you take a good look at his posture, and the bottom of his pant legs you can see the cuffs looking pretty high. It’s as if he’s lifting his feet inside his big ol’ clown shoes.

    douchebag shiteater

  34. kate

    BARF. What a sham. And yet, I was oddly fascinated by the whole thing, if for no other reason than to make fun of everyone involved. Its like a train wreck. Vicky Beckham making an ass out of herself, Brooke Sheilds disappointing everyone, first by accepting his apology a couple of months ago instead of telling him to go fuck himself, and then by actually GOING to the wedding. I mean, really. Did she cut his meat for him at dinner? JLo was there? When the hell were they EVER EVER even in the same room with JLo and Skeletor? Try never. Hello PR opportunity.

    I loathe these two nutjobs.

  35. polypam

    CNN said that guests weren’t allowed to dance at the reception because the castle was so old, they were afraid the floor might break. Fun times.

  36. mrs.t

    #31-he made her wear the George Michael mask. And then he fucked her through a Glory Hole painted to look like a male ass. Duh.

  37. NipsyHustle

    so considering that the catholic bishop of that part of italy gave tomkat the “nigga, please” treatment when they asked for a catholic ceremony in addition to their scientology one, doesn’t this mean they are not legally married at all? has anyone heard of them filing for a civil marriage? is there a marriage license anywhere?

  38. kate

    “I think old Giorgio Armani needs to retire if that dress is the best he could come up with. I mean, is that a fucking joke? And what is the matter with her big fucking lower lip? Is she Katie Gump?”

    I KNOW!!! Are you kidding? I could have picked that up at David’s Bridal. Nothing wrong with David’s, but if you’re spending approximately the GNP of a small country on the dress, it should look, I don’t know, not like shit?

  39. BarbadoSlim

    True #38, bullshit ceremony for a bullshit relationship between bullshitters.

  40. kate

    Nipsy- apparently they were “officially” married last week in LA. Or something.

    So they spent 2M on what was ultimately a wedding that didn’t mean anything legally to anyone. Imagine all the people they could have fed with that money.

  41. Comment5

    One would assume that if Armani designs a suit SPECIFICALLY for someone that it wouldnt be 6 inches off the ground. Even if he were’nt wearing lifts the pants would be too short.

  42. Whammer Jammer

    This poor girl. Her life is going to be, or already is, completely controlled by those Scientology wackos. How long before she realizes she’s made a huge mistake? They’ll never let her go, they’ll confiscate her kid. Bad move on her part.

  43. NipsyHustle

    why do i feel like their wedding night involves him violently fisting her ass while sticking dollar bills in her mouth?

    smile on, katie while you’re in italy. you can just see the dollar signs beeming in her eyes. i bet she’s been rimming him and eating his scat every night just to hit this lotto. and she got pregnant faster than micheal jackson gets under a little boy’s pajamas. her parents must be proud of her “ultimate whore” skills. they raised her well.

    tom has that look in his eye that says as soon as “you get home, things are going to change”. we’re going to start hearing tales of how clumsy she is and seeing her walk around in turtle necks in july.

  44. BoognishRising

    ahahahaha. Do you write jokes for a living?

  45. Mya

    i hope you’ll be happy together. good luck, tom & katie!

  46. PunjabPete

    Took them long enough. Now they will take forever planning their divorce…

  47. @46 Mya – While I was reading that mindless drivel, I couldn’t help but wonder, how does your brain generate enough power to make your fingers move?

  48. After the couch jumping incident, Robin Quivers on the Howard Stern Show had the best and probably truest statement.

    She said that men just don’t act that way, and that she thought it was funny that he was trying so hard to convince everybody he was straight but he was doing it in a very very gay way.

    All I can say about the wedding photo is this. Tom, you manged to fuck up your career WITHOUT coming out of the closet. You probably should have taken your millions of dollars, come out of the closet and dated who you liked. Now your career is fucked up, your deal with UA pics is a shadow deal as everybody in Hollywood knows, you’re unahppy because you’ve obviously getting fat and thats the worst part because remember “The gays” like guys to be in shape, so if you’re going to be cheating on Kaite with your body guards it’s time to head back to the gym Kimosabe.

  49. ja5on

    Hmmm…I noticed that Brad Pitt has a small head compared to Angelina, and now I notice Tom has a wee little head next to Katie.

  50. 86

    Love the veil.

    Okay now what for them?

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