Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes already married?

March 16th, 2006 // 47 Comments

cruise-holmes-married.jpgThe National Enquirer is reporting that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes already got married last July in a Scientology ceremony at sea.

Cruise and Holmes, who met a few months earlier, are said to have exchanged rings emblazoned with triangular Scientology symbols during a Caribbean cruise aboard the sect’s ship the Freewinds. (They supposedly wear their rings only at church functions.) Holmes, who once claimed she would remain virginal until her wedding day, wore white, says the tab.

After the ceremony, the couple walked across a tiny bridge


  1. auh2o

    I know she’s an adult and all but it’s still sad to see a cute, relatively innocent girl get sucked into this twisted cult. Would she put up with it if he weren’t famous and they met at a bar and started dating like normal people? By all accounts she was a normal midwestern Catholic girl who was tight with her family. Now the that she’s a Cruise-bot, she’s marginalized from her family. Tom Cruise is a fucking creep. A creepy creep.

  2. DrDanny

    Ok, this one is _really_ optional. TC is a human shit sac, a complete waste of space, and KH is just a dumb bint. No humor here.

  3. B-Bomb

    yawn. i hope they sacrifice their spawn to l. ron hubbard.

  4. hafaball

    What’s a bint?

    But that’s kind of a weird lie…I just thought it was funny how they said guests were celebrating his birthday too, he’s so egotistical. Hopefully they’ll finally make a spaceship and fly away.

  5. Anonymous

    I concur with post #1. The Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes relationship has been frightening from the very start, and it has only gone into a dizzying downward spiral. What’s next?

  6. Ramdonomo

    She IS an adult and CAN make her own decisions. Love or money, this is all on her.

    I just hope she’s happy. And Tom Cruise, before last summer’s weirdness, was a hot and sexy guy. I’d STILL do him.

  7. civilwarsoldier

    Tom Cruise is rich. He will stay rich if everyone keeps going to his movies. If you want to shut him up, boycott. As far as Katie, I never heard of her, before she hooked up with “mavorik”. I’ll take bets on what attracted her…. Can’t be the height problem or the nose.

  8. TheHoffinator

    I dont trust Tom, who knows what will happen when hes around little kids, he said it himself “im dangerous” and for all of you who are wondering when he said that ask kilmer, val has been saying tom is dangerous since 1986. I’m with #7 boycott this freak.

  9. johnnyhongkong

    so it seems like a consensus that ms. holmes is the victim in all of this. I propose an alternate theory which makes cute katie holmes an evil genius:

    just before news broke of ms. holmes herpes affliction, she kissed flyboy cruise, giving him the herpes, which made it impossible for him to be with anyone else but her.

  10. txb

    this is sad. did nicole kidman and their kids have to put up with tom’s crazy ‘religion’? i can’t wait to hear of the new couple’s life after the birth of their first born. zantor will have a made for tv reality show right before his eyes.

  11. christee

    i give their “child” 5 years before it starts having to do church paperwork, and isn’t allowed to see it’s parents. why the hell hasn’t pat robertson prayed for the death of scientologists yet? or have i missed it?

  12. M

    #10) Nicole too is a Scientologist.
    Not sure if he brainwashed her in to the “religion” too though. Then again maybe she just thought of it as a really great life choice.

  13. Juhaina

    Can someone plz explain to me Scientology in simple words. Cuz I googled it up and ended up with very weird results.

  14. Becky

    Scientology (noun): 1) the practice whereby weird actors/actresses look for something to justify their meaningless/pointless life. 2) a pseudo-religion where an elite group of people pretend to be better than everyone else (cross-reference: KABALAH).

  15. jinxie

    #14- you forgot the part where they pay money to “graduate” to the next level in their religion toward “total freedom”. Oh, and about the part how tom cruise beleives he can move inanimate objects with his mind and control the thoughts of others b/c he is soooo high up in the heirarchy.
    #13- you got wierd results b/c it is a totally freaky institution, probably plotted by the enemy space aliens from l.ron’s books.

  16. M@ce

    This is (no kidding) what scientologists believe. Of course, you don’t get this info until you have spent many years in the organization and spent MUCH money to graduate to the level where you’re ready for this crap.

    “Once upon a time (75 million years ago to be more precise) there was an alien galactic ruler named Xenu. Xenu was in charge of all the planets in this part of the galaxy including our own planet Earth, except in those days it was called Teegeeack.

    Now Xenu had a problem. All of the 76 planets he controlled were overpopulated. Each planet had on average 178 billion people. He wanted to get rid of all the overpopulation so he had a plan.

    Xenu took over complete control with the help of renegades to defeat the good people and the Loyal Officers. Then with the help of psychiatrists he called in billions of people for income tax inspections where they were instead given injections of alcohol and glycol mixed to paralyse them. Then they were put into space planes that looked exactly like DC8s (except they had rocket motors instead of propellers).

    These DC8 space planes then flew to planet Earth where the paralysed people were stacked around the bases of volcanoes in their hundreds of billions. When they had finished stacking them around then H-bombs were lowered into the volcanoes. Xenu then detonated all the H-bombs at the same time and everyone was killed.

    The story doesn’t end there though. Since everyone has a soul (called a “thetan” in this story) then you have to trick souls into not coming back again. So while the hundreds of billions of souls were being blown around by the nuclear winds he had special electronic traps that caught all the souls in electronic beams (the electronic beams were sticky like fly-paper).

    After he had captured all these souls he had them packed into boxes and taken to a few huge cinemas. There all the souls had to spend days watching special 3D motion pictures that told them what life should be like and many confusing things. In this film they were shown false pictures and told they were God, The Devil and Christ. In the story this process is called “implanting”.

    When the films ended and the souls left the cinema these souls started to stick together because since they had all seen the same film they thought they were the same people. They clustered in groups of a few thousand. Now because there were only a few living bodies left they stayed as clusters and inhabited these bodies.

    As for Xenu, the Loyal Officers finally overthrew him and they locked him away in a mountain on one of the planets. He is kept in by a force-field powered by an eternal battery and Xenu is still alive today.

    That is the end of the story. And so today everyone is full of these clusters of souls called “body thetans”. And if we are to be a free soul then we have to remove all these “body thetans” and pay lots of money to do so. And the only reason people believe in God and Christ was because it was in the film their body thetans saw 75 million years ago.”

  17. that eternal battery could be useful… where can i get one?

  18. who cares….he’s fuckin nuts

  19. Ultraviolins

    #16–That’s not entirely true. I found an entire set of Scientology books (from Dianetics up to the books like 8-80 to which, in theory, only high-level Thetans are supposed to have access) at a university book sale for $1.00 apiece. Not sure why they were there–someone who deflected? They were all unused and wrapped in plastic. Plus, you can find that passage you wrote by going to a site like Granted, there are theories that scientologists themselves plant half of the information online in an effort to keep people from knowing the “real truth” about them. Whatever, I guess.

  20. meli

    The reader’s digest version:

    A science fiction author made up a religion for fun and people actually started to follow it. It involves space aliens and pseudoscience, which is why they hate real science so much. Also, they have to pay a LOT of money on a regular basis in order to be “Saved,” so to speak.


    Oh, and that picture you used makes me so sad. Katie Holmes really was a sweet girl and she’s a terrific actress. It’s such a waste.

  21. Skinny Buddha

    I kinda like Thetans… they taste like chicken.

  22. ESQ

    Scientologists remind me of that movie from the 80′s “Gremlins.” Just add water to one of them and they keep on reproducing, scary thought.

  23. gammanormids

    Oh Tom…! Everybody knows that rings emblazoned with triangular Scientology symbols ara a girl’s best friend…!

  24. Phoenix

    This is what I found in wikipedia:

    Scientology is a system of beliefs, teachings, practices, and rituals that originated as philosophy in 1952 by author L. Ron Hubbard, and characterized by the Church of Scientology in 1953 as an “applied religious philosophy”. Hubbard defined the word “Scientology” to mean “a study of knowledge

    Some central beliefs of Scientology:

    A person is an immortal spiritual being (termed a thetan) who possesses a mind and a body.
    The thetan has lived through many past lives and will continue to live beyond the death of the body.
    A person is basically good, but becomes “aberrated” by moments of pain and unconsciousness in his life.
    What is true for you is what you have observed yourself. No beliefs should be forced as “true” on anyone. Thus, the tenets of Scientology are expected to be tested and seen to either be true, or not, by Scientology practitioners.

    I know not everything on wikipedia is true but I doubt even wikipedia could make this up. Anyway, each to their own I guess.

  25. miadm2002

    God bless ‘em.

  26. w…t…f…?
    I can’t believe people swallow that crap!

  27. Jayne

    I feel awful for the Holmes family.

  28. OK, heres a question, Tom Cruise has been a scientologist for YEARS. Has given more money to the cult than anybody else, and is very highly ranked. This would mean that he has cleansed more thetans from his body than most anybody else in the world, which is what you’re supposed to do to become a whole person, reagain your health etc… WEll if that is so, and he is mostly cleansed of Thetans, why is he so F-ing crazy?

  29. Crazy people don’t know they’re crazy…

  30. gogoboots

    I’m not sure where this is headed, but it looks totally fucking insane to me.

  31. bella1218

    she should have stuck with chris klein…is that his name? at least he was normal.

  32. jinxie

    last month rolling stone had an article explaining all the weirdness that is scientology.
    most disturbing…poor little katie isn’t allowed to have any “drugs” when she delivers the devil’s spawn… supposedly she isn’t allowed to complain either- just moan- b/c anything else could cause the baby unconscience trauma- ruining his/her life.
    HA- like having a mysoginist father and doormat mom gives the kid any shot… i think the kid would have better odds with a crack whore mom and unknown father. at least then, child protective services can intervene.

  33. BabyBayBayLeigh010

    #12…Nicole is NOT a scientologist (aka psychopath)

    It was speculated that is why they split in the first place….

  34. Tom Cruise needs to have his ass kicked repeatedly by angry thugs who’ve spent at least 20 years in jail. After that, the thugs can spend some “private” time with him, since we know he swings that way.

    Katie Holmes needs to have the baby taken from her AT BIRTH because she’s obviously too stupid to be a good mother and therefore the baby belongs with a family who can care for it responsibly. Anyone who’d allow themselves to be caught up in a cult and impregnated by that freak, is obviously riding low in the IQ totem pole.

  35. bunnyhugger

    # 21:

    i did a little reasearch on scientology…scary, scary stuff.

    strangely enough, AMWAY is very similar. hmmm. do you suppose the body thetans are sqeaky clean and smell like springtime??

  36. christee

    #16, i feel a little feverish, like, maybe…pneumonia! damn you! i wasn’t an ot 24,562,917,003! i’m telling tom, no wait…
    #28, the “rules” and levels of auditing is scientology are changing all the time. that’s why no one ever becomes “fully realized.” could you imagine, though, going through this bullshit for years, only to be told the whole “secret” about space aliens…they’d be better off worshipping santa claus.

  37. jinxie

    #35- hilarious
    very likely, very very likely.

  38. TowelHead


    I can’t believe people swallow that crap! ‘

    That’s what Tom Cruise always says after a woman blows him.

    I’ve always hated him because he has too many teeth. Why hasn’t anyone kicked them in yet?

  39. Pez_D_Spencer

    28 – Well, keep in mind that Charles Manson is a “theta clear”. He’s pretty much batshit insane too.

  40. Dee

    can they get any creepier? that poor alien kid…

  41. txb

    i just had a scary after thought reading everyone’s comments. if the scientology wedding was that weird, how is the birth of their first going to be? mr.superficial please have an insider source for that story. preferably with pictures.

  42. Tink

    This can’t be true, Tom Cruise’s Bday is July 3rd– so it would be a really early celebration

  43. fembot77

    herroo. this is planet jupitor, we are here to take you to heavan on one of our moons. man, they are all quacks!

  44. mamadough

    im surprised the government hasn’t stepped in yet w/this cult crap. are they waiting for a comet to come by, all however many million of them dress alike in their nike shoes and black sweats, and drink the same poisoned kool-aid to join again w/their Xenu and there be a mass suicide? ok, i know i just slammed a bunch of cults together, but damn, is there really any positive ending to this cult shit?

    there can be a lot of complications with birth, and i can see something horrible happening to katie. i wonder how they would cover her death up?

  45. re. #41 — apparently the delivery has some kind of placenta-eating ritual that must take place (I think it’s Tom that eats it). And I am really really really glad I have heard nothing else about it. :)

  46. I know k-fed hate britney. i just had a scary after thought reading everyone’s comments. if the scientology wedding was that weird, how is the birth of their first going to be? mr.superficial please have an insider source for that story. preferably with pictures.

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