Tom Selleck Allegedly Steals Water From A Fire Hydrant

“First, you get the mustache. Then you get the water. Then you get to go swimmmming!”

California is in the middle of a historic drought, but its dense population of rich assholes have made it abundantly clear that water rationing doesn’t count for them and is a gotdamn “war on suburbia.” Which is why times like these call for a hero to stand up against the rising scourge of socialism, look it straight in the eye, and then steal a bunch of water from a fire hydrant. And that hero is Tom Selleck. Via Page Six:

Calleguas Municipal Water District wants Selleck to pay at least $21,685.55 for investigators it hired and court costs. Other damages would be determined later, according to the complaint.
The water district claims it’s documented seven times when a commercial water truck filled up at a Thousand Oaks fire hydrant before taking it into “the Hidden Valley area where the Selleck property is located,” between Sept. 20, 2013, and Oct. 3, 2013, according to the complaint.
After a cease-and-desist letter was sent to Selleck and his wife on Nov. 26, 2013, the same water truck again swiped water for the actor on Dec. 16, 2013, according to the lawsuit.
The same white water truck made similar water runs again on March 23, 24, 25 and 26 of this year, the civil complaint said.

In Tom Selleck’s defense, the people who would’ve died when a fire truck pulled up only to find the hydrant empty were probably poor and therefore deserved their fate. This is America after all, and that’s what you get for sucking off Uncle Sam’s teat and expecting him to magically provide you with free water on the taxpayer’s dime. Hell, Tom Selleck practically did you a favor liberating you from the bondage of public water. You should write him a Thank You card.

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Photo: Getty