Tom Cruise Admits Katie Holmes Left Him Because of Scientology

“What am I doing? Not getting fisted by a futuristic exoskeleton that’s for sure. E-meter?”

Because Tom Cruise believes he’s a levitating space Jesus, he occasionally finds himself in situations where he’s certain he’ll vanquish his enemies with an all-consuming pulsar of justice, but instead ends up looking a crazy person. Situations like suing In Touch for $50 million for claiming he was an absentee father after his divorce from Katie Holmes which has so far only resulted in court depositions being made public where he admits to not seeing Suri for over 100 days, and, okay, yes, his religion technically considers Katie Holmes a suppressive person, but let’s not make a big deal out of it. People reports:

In the wide-ranging, often contentious deposition, Cruise’s attorney Bert Fields was on hand as the star was forced to answer questions about everything from his use of private jets to Scientology.
He revealed that Suri is no longer practicing the religion. Pressed about whether Holmes left him to “protect” Suri from Scientology, Cruise responded, “I find that question offensive. … There is no need to protect my daughter from my religion.”
But asked whether Holmes left him in part for that reason, Cruise said, “that was one of the assertions, yes. … There are many other aspects to the divorce.”
Cruise also was asked about Scientology’s definition of a “suppressive person,” which includes, according to a definition on the church’s website, those who publicly renounce Scientology and therefore lose “fellowship with the Church as well as with other Scientologists.”
Cruise said that description was accurate, but when asked whether the church would consider Holmes to be a suppressive person, he responded: “That is a distortion and simplification of the matter. I don’t want to just give an oversimplification of religious doctrine.”
He acknowledged that his older kids, Isabella and Connor, whose mom is Nicole Kidman, haven’t had contact with Holmes since the split.

Let me just take a moment to say that I’m honestly impressed Tom Cruise actually admitted Scientology was the reason Katie Holmes left him because I guarantee at that moment he was certain he’d be assassinated by Ferellian mind bullets. It’s always Ferellians… That being said, let’s just all take a good, long look at what it means to be considered a suppressive person from, oh I dunno, how about Scientology’s own website?

A Suppressive Person (SP) is a person who seeks to suppress other people in their vicinity. A Suppressive Person will goof up or vilify any effort to help anybody and particularly knife with violence anything calculated to make human beings more powerful or more intelligent.
The Suppressive Person is also known as the Anti-Social Personality. Within this category one finds Napoleon, Hitler, the unrepentant killer and the drug lord.

Jesus Christ, that sounds exactly like Katie Holmes. Tell me more, religion that preaches L. Ron Hubbard was a race car driver on Mars:

The basic reason the Suppressive Person behaves as he or she does lies in a hidden terror of others. To such a person every other being is an enemy, an enemy to be covertly or overtly destroyed. The fixation is that survival itself depends on “keeping others down” or “keeping people ignorant.” If anyone were to promise to make others stronger or brighter, the Suppressive Person would suffer the utmost agony.
Because of this, the Suppressive Person seeks to upset, continuously undermine, spread bad news about and denigrate betterment activities and groups. Thus the Anti-Social Personality is also against what Scientology is about—helping people become more able and improving conditions in society. As anyone can think of many examples of a Suppressive Person, this concept is not limited to Scientology. However, when such a person is connected to Scientology, for the good of the Church and the individuals in it, such a person is officially labeled a Suppressive Person so that others will know not to associate with them.

Mother of God, none of us are safe. Except, oh wait, apparently these Hitler-clones are already in jail or on their way. Thank God.

To be declared a Suppressive Person is extremely rare and results in expulsion from the Scientology religion. This occurs in instances of serious offenses against the Scientology faith and can also occur when an individual is found to be actively working to suppress the well-being of others. This can be done through criminal acts already recognized by society as unlawful or through the commitment of acts deemed Suppressive Acts in the Scientology Justice Codes—which includes the Suppressive Act of publicly renouncing the faith, an act which in Scientology, as well as almost every religion, is grounds for automatic expulsion.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Surely, someone with deeply-held beliefs that involve the ostracization and marginalization of those who run counter to said beliefs should probably not be allowed near children out of fear of indoctrination, and you’re absolutely right. We should have laws against that shit. I’ll talk to Congress.

UPDATE: So three quarters of them just tried to burn me at the stake. What the fuck was that about?

Photos: Getty / Splash News