Tom Cruise Wants Oprah To Help Him Yell At Leah Remini

“Mr. Cruise, we’ve run several diagnostics on our earpieces and none have shown the problems you claim to be having, but as per your request, I shall remain onstage and gently whisper the translation into your ear.”

The last time Tom Cruise went on Oprah, it didn’t go well. Actually, it was the beginning of everyone realizing just how deep into Xenu’s b-hole Tom Cruise had burrowed, so it’s kind of a curious choice to stage his defense against the claims in Leah Remini’s memoir. Via Life & Style:

His top choice to conduct the televised conversation is Oprah Winfrey. “He’s worried that a more hostile journalist would try to paint him an bad light,” an insider tells Life & Style.

Ah, right. He doesn’t want a “hostile” journalist. I mean, I know why Oprah will jump all over this like it’s Gayle King in chocolate panties. It’s fucking expensive to launch and run an entire television network into the ground. But does Tom Cruise not know about the Internet? If he just wants an open forum to spout a bunch of bullshit nobody believes that will do no nothing but generate GIFs for a day or two, we’ve had that in place for years. It’s easy, Tom, you just record yourself on your laptop (that’s the mechanical book with all your naked wrestling movies in it), upload the video to YouTube (that’s a website where people have their own channel doing things like showing off their groceries, or popping zits), and voila, the whole world will be able to see it. What’s that? No, Tom, no. Literally no one has ever had to choke out a woman chained to David Miscavige’s desk and release her thetans back to the X1-Klaptru realm to get their laptop to turn on. That’s not a real thing.

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