Holy Shit, Tom Cruise Really Did Buy Hot Donna With His Space Money

When you’re the Planetary Prince-Regent of Adamanthium 7, you get only the finest quimmelwidgets to galactic shazzlebang your norfbong. It’s practically your birthright. Which is why the rumors are true that Tom Cruise has chosen fellow Scientologist Laura Prepon to be the new slave-bride he makes people believe he has heterosexual relations with under the cover of darkness. Page Six reports:

P.R. reps for the two denied any romance in November after the actors were spotted enjoying a cozy dinner at the Manor Hotel in Los Angeles.
However, my source on the Left Coast says Cruise and Prepon are still seeing each other, but they are being extremely careful to keep it secret. “It’s the buzz on the set of her show,” the insider told me.

When asked how many weeks he’d keep this one locked in the engine room of a slave ship, Tom Cruise laughed then asked, “Why? Did she get out?” while secretly wondering if he forgot to check the padlock. Later, his guards would seal all the exits, and it’d be 18 weeks until any of us saw our families again. But we weren’t the same people they remembered. And probably never would be again…

Photos: Getty