Holy Shit, Tom Cruise Really Did Buy Hot Donna With His Space Money

April 17th, 2014 // 27 Comments
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When you’re the Planetary Prince-Regent of Adamanthium 7, you get only the finest quimmelwidgets to galactic shazzlebang your norfbong. It’s practically your birthright. Which is why the rumors are true that Tom Cruise has chosen fellow Scientologist Laura Prepon to be the new slave-bride he makes people believe he has heterosexual relations with under the cover of darkness. Page Six reports:

P.R. reps for the two denied any romance in November after the actors were spotted enjoying a cozy dinner at the Manor Hotel in Los Angeles.
However, my source on the Left Coast says Cruise and Prepon are still seeing each other, but they are being extremely careful to keep it secret. “It’s the buzz on the set of her show,” the insider told me.

When asked how many weeks he’d keep this one locked in the engine room of a slave ship, Tom Cruise laughed then asked, “Why? Did she get out?” while secretly wondering if he forgot to check the padlock. Later, his guards would seal all the exits, and it’d be 18 weeks until any of us saw our families again. But we weren’t the same people they remembered. And probably never would be again…

Photos: Getty


  1. She probably gets 10% off salvation for her bearding duties. Fucking $cientology.


    • jim15

      …10% and they’ll return one of the black-mail tapes they made of her durring one of her ‘audits’ (aka confession).

  2. Chris K

    He’s just working his way through That 70′s Show until he has Fez all to him self.

    • Swearin

      Ashton Kutcher got into Kaballah for a minute because Demi told him to. One fancy dinner and a guest pass to the women-slave quarters later and Tom could have him, too.

  3. Laura’s face has successfully made the transition from pretty to handsome. I can understand why Mr Cruise might be genuinely attracted.

  4. Ugh. Black hair is not for you, Donna.

  5. She meets all the requirements to be his new slave-girl.
    She was the female lead on popular TV show. Check.
    She’s secretive about her personal life. Check.
    She’s been topless on camera. Check.

    Sound familiar? Enjoy the tits now, guys. When Tom’s done with her, it’s flapjack city.

  6. JC

    Every time another hot actress ends up in Scientology–regardless of whether or not it’s as Cruise’s beard–my penis dies a little bit inside.

    • Swearin

      You should talk with Tom Cruise. Chances are good his space powers can bring that back to full and upright life.

  7. Laura Prepon Cleavage
    Commented on this photo:

    I would still bang her from here to Xenu and back again

  8. Laura Prepon Cleavage
    Commented on this photo:

    She can take a ride on my DC-8 till I Teegeeack all over them big o’ Thetans

  9. What the he’ll is wrong with her? Is she getting career advice from Topher Grace?

  10. Max

    It amazes me that people actually believe that kind of totally ridiculous nonsense. Oh, sorry, I thought you said she was a Christian.

  11. I’ve been wanting her to go back to red for a long time, she looked fucking awful as a blonde, but I’m really feeling this brunette thing. Of course she’s a cult member, so it’s all pointless.

  12. malaka

    can we have pictures of her butt please??

  13. The Dude

    What a HUGE surprise all these nut jobs will have when they figure out the cult is just a money making scheme……oops it’ll be to late

  14. Well that’s just great now who’s gonna tell me about how we evolved from clams and who had smoked on the DC 8′s

  15. Paul

    Hot to become unhot in 3 seconds:

    1) Be a Scientologist
    2) Date Tom Cruise

  16. Just this once

    Oh, I had no idea she was even a lesbian.

  17. DONNA NOOOO!!!!!!

  18. Isn’t the guy who played Hyde a Scientologist? Yeah, I’m blaming Hyde for this.

  19. Laura Prepon Cleavage
    Lisa McPherson's corps
    Commented on this photo:

    Xenu’s spooge really is good for your skin.

  20. Stupid

    She looked terrible as a blonde, and now she looks terrible as a dark brunette. Go back to being a beautiful red head!

  21. Laura Prepon Cleavage
    Mel Gibson's Shrink
    Commented on this photo:

    Hot Donna needs to go back to being a ginger.

  22. Batman

    I bet this is why she is not returning to Orange is the New Black. I dated a girl who’s father was a Scientologist and high in the totem pole. You basically pay money to become seniority in there and get some weird fancy name, like the grand something something… It is also a easy way to break into acting since many people in Hollywood are Scientologist and it gets you the in card. Thing is the way she described her dad and the whole thing is it is a bunch of crazy narcissist who they they control things such as the rain or life just by thinking, sort of like the secret but even crazier. They also lock you into a white room and talk to you until you agree to their beliefs and join. Very weird shit. I would say that it is pretty much a Hollywood Cult started by Ron Hubbard

  23. whatever

    oh, wow, she will be partnered with the king, make millions and rise up high in the cult, nobody will be able to talk to her, she will be a goddess, and woe will she ever make a mouse sound of discontent she will be sent away from humanity to do librarian work for all eternity in some dark dungeon away from civilized society, that is how high she will rise, IT’S AN HONOR!

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