Tom Cruise Never Said He Was Surprised By Divorce, Tom Cruise Knows Everything

Earlier in the week, Tom Cruise was quoted as saying he was surprised by his divorce from Katie Holmes and that sometimes “life is a challenge” and you need to have a “sense of humor.” Which sound like safe, bland quotes about a not-too-recent divorce until you realize you’re dealing with a man whose religion literally views him as a flying, omnipotent Space Jesus, so naturally his rep is now saying they never happened. People reports:

But, contrary to quotes circulating online attributed to the interview, Cruise didn’t talk about his divorce last year from Katie Holmes or muse about life being “tragicomic.”
A rep for the actor maintains those quotes were fabricated or taken out of context, and the interviewer, Steven Gaetjen, says he never asked Cruise about Holmes or the divorce.

“Just to be clear, Mr. Cruise not only knew Ms. Holmes had been secretly plotting a divorce, but before the thought even crossed her mind, he foresaw these events, murdered her father and has been assuming his place since 2008. So not only was he advising her legally the whole time, he did it so well he completely fucked himself in the custody agreement. ‘You are all but pawns on Tom Cruise’s chess board,’ he just told me telepathically. ‘Mmm, I love men’s butts.’ he also said which I’ve just been informed I wasn’t supposed to repeat. — Yes, Mr. Cruise, right away.” *jumps off bridge*

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