Tom Cruise Never Said He Was Surprised By Divorce, Tom Cruise Knows Everything

April 11th, 2013 // 14 Comments
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Earlier in the week, Tom Cruise was quoted as saying he was surprised by his divorce from Katie Holmes and that sometimes “life is a challenge” and you need to have a “sense of humor.” Which sound like safe, bland quotes about a not-too-recent divorce until you realize you’re dealing with a man whose religion literally views him as a flying, omnipotent Space Jesus, so naturally his rep is now saying they never happened. People reports:

But, contrary to quotes circulating online attributed to the interview, Cruise didn’t talk about his divorce last year from Katie Holmes or muse about life being “tragicomic.”
A rep for the actor maintains those quotes were fabricated or taken out of context, and the interviewer, Steven Gaetjen, says he never asked Cruise about Holmes or the divorce.

“Just to be clear, Mr. Cruise not only knew Ms. Holmes had been secretly plotting a divorce, but before the thought even crossed her mind, he foresaw these events, murdered her father and has been assuming his place since 2008. So not only was he advising her legally the whole time, he did it so well he completely fucked himself in the custody agreement. ‘You are all but pawns on Tom Cruise’s chess board,’ he just told me telepathically. ‘Mmm, I love men’s butts.’ he also said which I’ve just been informed I wasn’t supposed to repeat. — Yes, Mr. Cruise, right away.” *jumps off bridge*

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, WENN


  1. FattyFatty2X4

    Can you say “Homo”?

  2. In the pantheon of stream of consciousness Tom Cruise thought, you’re going to have a hard time topping “punched a lake” from the other day.

    That said, somewhere there is a wedding cake missing a top.

  3. Cock Dr

    Hate t-neck sweaters.
    Even this well preserved gay man can’t rescue the look.

  4. the last part down there, the part with tom cruise killing katie’s father…. yeah, that’s 10X more creative and believable than space opera.

  5. Tom Cruise Turtleneck Oblivion Premiere
    Commented on this photo:

    “Just a pinch between my cheek & gums keeps Xenu away for hours at a time!”

  6. Tom Cruise Turtleneck Melissa Leo Oblivion Premiere
    Commented on this photo:

    “Melissa, may the Founder bless you for being the only working actor crazier than me.”

  7. Tom Cruise Turtleneck Oblivion Premiere
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    Tom’s management team wishes he would react differently when people nearby shout “Who wants to be a summer cabana boy on Fire Island?”

  8. Tom Cruise Turtleneck Oblivion Premiere
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    “Mr. Cruise! Are you aware your wardrobe was stolen from the corpse of George Peppard?”

  9. Tom Cruise Turtleneck Oblivion Premiere
    Douche McGee
    Commented on this photo:

    Dat ass…?

  10. Sure he didn’t quite give the answers he’d have liked. He gets distracted when you ask him if he saw it coming.

  11. Nicole K.

    All joking aside, we ought to feel sorry for Tom. Groups like Scientology and The Order of the Solar Temple take advantage of the weak minded. That being said, ain’t Karma a bitch Tom.

  12. Tom Cruise Turtleneck Melissa Leo Oblivion Premiere
    Commented on this photo:

    This is me Jack Herpes. I’m good to go.
    Melissa i will give you one dollar to eat your placenta….
    and in case you are a dude who looks like a lady I will fuck you into oblivion for free here on the red carpet just for some free movie publicity, Yeehaw!

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