Tom Cruise Hasn’t Seen Suri In A Year
“Mommy, why is Daddy running away? He was just walking over here.”
“What? Why is he- aw shit, he can see my tits. That was Mommy’s fault, baby. Mommy’s bad.”
Thanks to Going Clear – Which I still haven’t watched because I suck. – Tom Cruise’s blood is in the water, and apparently Katie Holmes is a goddamn shark because here’s TMZ somehow reporting that Tom hasn’t seen Suri in over a year:
Tom Cruise said he wasn’t able to see his daughter for months because he was shooting “Mission Impossible 5″ in London, and he was counting the hours before he came home to little Suri. But we’re told he was off work for 2 weeks after shooting wrapped, yet never saw her.
Sources connected to Katie Holmes tell TMZ … it’s worse than that. They say Tom has not seen the 8-year-old in almost a year. Tom’s rep previously denied that and said the actor has seen his daughter plenty, but on the down low to shield her from cameras.
But our Katie sources say that’s not true … that he’s just not been a part of her life.
According to TMZ, Scientology still maintains that Katie Holmes isn’t a suppressive person, so that pretty much confirms she is one and explains all of this. Fortunately, my only concern is the poor little girl who just wants to see her dad which is why I’ve prepared this CoS-friendly script for Tom Cruise to communicate to her what’s happening so he doesn’t have to conjure up human emotions he fired into space from the bow of a slave ship.
Hello, Suri, I’m famous movie actor Tom Cruise. Please take a seat.
[Wait for child to sit. Use telepathy if necessary]
As you no longer know thanks to my power to bend human memories to my whim, I haven’t been around in a while, and there’s a very good reason for that. You know how you’re afraid of ghosts? Well, there’s a bunch of tiny, little alien ghosts inside of you that won’t come out until your mother spends thousands of dollars letting strangers hook you up to two soup cans. Love you!
[Levitate out of the room abruptly to avoid further contact with SPs. Proceed to auditing.]
This blog post will self destruct.